The search for a family
by Linneagb
Summary: Boxing day in Khao Lak, Thailand 2004. The perfect vacation turn into a living nightmare when the ocean turn into a monster all around. And there is Sandy Cohen searching his wife and son. And eleven year old Ryan Atwood, missing his mum and brother but stuck in hospital with a hurt leg. But maybe they can work together to find out who got to live, and who died. AU.
1. The water

**Gosh, I have to stop getting new ideas for stories. I already have too many haha. But I had this idea yesterday and I just had to start it.**

Water all around me threw me back and forth, up and down until I had completely lost orientation about which direction would lead me towards the surface, breathing and air. Instead it felt like I was just pushed down deeper into the roaring water that had taken everything that had seemed so perfect just a minute ago. Back when this was a vacation to the paradise of Khao Lak in Thailand with myself, mum and Trey.

 _Mum and Trey_

When the water had come closer and closer and someone had shouted something. The next thing I could remember was running up the street, not quite knowing where I was going. But away from the ocean that seemed to have turned into a monster behind and all around us.

I couldn't help to try and shout. But was reminded of the water all around me when something flew by and missed me by what couldn't have been as much as even a millimeter.

The last thing I could remember of my family. Or rather, the parts of my family that had been enough for me to be able to be called family was as we had been running. Running, running, running. Then there were so many people and I had stumbled, or been pushed- I couldn't quite remember what had happened.

But when I had gotten onto my feet there were new people around me. And no sight of my mum or brother.

 _Where were they?_

And then the water had caught us all into a living nightmare.

I couldn't help but hiss when I felt something hitting my leg. But didn't have time to think about that before I felt my lungs being filled with not air, but water. I started coughing, but that only made more water fill my lungs.

I forced my mouth closed, but the damage was already done and my lungs burned like fire. I tried to get some picture about where I was, and where mum and Trey were. But being thrown around in the water and everything around me being blurry I couldn't even tell up and down.

Only half an hour ago our trip to Thailand had been to paradise and a new start for us all- myself, mum and Trey. Away from dad.

But as my instincts of trying to breathe kicked in and I breathed in even more water…

I just had to realize that instead of a new beginning. It had made it all come to an end.

 **Random fact**

So well. This is set during Boxing Day 2004, at the day of tsunamis hitting loads of places around Asian's coasts. Later chapter will go on afterwards. But you might have noticed the name of the place- Khao Lak in Thailand. I have never actually been there myself (I am desperately afraid of flying). But the tsunami of course made big news in Sweden as everywhere else. And just Khao Lak is mentioned in many of the documentaries that had been made about Swedes in the tsunami. Because at the moment there were many Swedes having their vacation just there.

 **Of course, neither this chapter nor anything else in the story are or will be anything to dishonor anyone who died during that terrible day.**


	2. The boy

**Thanks to Tif S and Dixie. f. 9 for reviewing.**

 **I added a cover photo. As you probably do understand it is not from an actual tsunami. It is zoomed in at a picture from a rapid. Then there's just the title of the story and my name- I hope you like it.**

 **From now on the story is told from Sandy's point of view. If there are changes at anytime I will let you know.**

"Excuse me."

It could have been just as well as five minutes or five days since the first wave hit. I had just lost all views of space and time where I ran around on a hospital in Khao Lak, Thailand. On higher grounds than the beaches where the waves had hit.

"Excuse me." I tried again and laid a hand on a nurse's shoulder to show her I was talking to her. "My name is Sanford Cohen. I'm looking for my wife Kirsten and our son Seth. No?" I could see the answer to my question on the puzzled look on her face. "Well thanks anyway.

"NO." The nurse suddenly interrupted me and as I let go of her and looked me straight into the eyes. "No English. No English." She said in a thick Thai accent. "No English. She English." She pointed to another nurse. "She English." She repeated her words and then pointed to herself. "No English."

The Thai nurse ran away from me again. And the woman she had pointed to disappeared into the crowd. I tried to keep my eyes on her blonde ponytail and followed running. But with the crowds all around, crying loudly, someone screaming, someone screaming and crying with joy for finding their family members alive and then.

"HEY." I shouted, the loudest I could. "YOU. NURSE."

I could only hope this one had heard, understood my words and knew I was talking her. Of course, to her I could have been talking to anyone. But she did stop in her tracks and turned around for long enough for me to catch up with her.

"My name is Sanford Cohen." I repeated. "I'm looking for my wife and my son…"

"We have loads of people looking for their friends and family." The nurse interrupted me annoyingly calm. "We're just about to put up a board and put up photos and any information that would help you find your family."

"Please." I pleaded. "Just here me out." I followed the nurse as she hurried through the crowd. "My wife is blonde, about this tall." I showed with my hand. "Her name is Kirsten, she's wearing ehrm… jeans shorts and ehrm… bikini top." I just rambled anything I could think of that would help me find my family. "our son Seth is eleven years old. He's wearing a… Wearing a text with a shirt… no, shirt with a text that says I'm from California." The nurse finally reacted and turned to me. "What? Have you seen him?"

"Eleven years old? That text?" She obviously knew something. "Come with me."

I just had to follow the nurse through the crowded hospital. Eleven year old boy with a California-T-shirt. It had to be him. How many of those could there be around here and knowing it was him I could feel a relief stronger than ever filling my chest.

"Here." The nurse led me into a room that at first seemed empty, then when I ran into I almost fell right over by the abrupt stopping. There was one kid in there, at first I thought that Seth might have been in here and gone away. But the kid was around eleven years old, and he was wearing a T shirt with the text "I am from California".

"Is this your son?" I heard from the nurse, weirdly sounding. As if I heard it from the other side of a wall. "Sir, is this your son?"

"No." I barely managed to squeeze out of my dry throat. "No. It's not him. I don't know this kid."

In disappointment I fell back against the wall and sunk onto the floor with my head in my hands. I hadn't exactly planned to do so. And my whole body and mind was screaming at me to get up and keep on searching.

But that pain…

I looked up when I heard the boy heaving and throwing up. At first I meant to either return to the position where I had my head in my hands and self-pitying to max. Or get up again, get out of the room and continue with my searching. Then, just as I was on my way to get up a thought hit me.

 _What if this had been Seth?_

Seth always hated throwing up, just as much as he hated being all alone. Just as much as he would have been out of his mind with fear if I and Kirsten had been taken away from him in a strange place. So if a stranger would have been sitting nearby. Disappointed to max by Seth not being his son, would I have wanted the stranger to get up and comfort him? Or just leave him be?

"It's okay kid." At last I got onto my feet, walked over and sat down on the only bunk in the room next to the boy who was still heaving with every breath. "It's okay." I patted his back, dirty salt water blended with sour bile and scattered onto the floor. And I felt more helpless than ever when I saw the boy trying to fight against the nausea. "No, don't try to swallow it. Just try and relax and let it out. And then this will be over in no time." I patted his back again and he seemed to obey to my words. Then lurched forward yet one more time and threw up again. "It's okay."

When I patted his back again the boy coughed and spat. But didn't throw up anything more before he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and then leaned back against the wall while I tried to think of something- anything to say.

"Are you from California?" I gestured towards the boy's shirt and he nodded. "Where from?"

"Chino."

"Oh. I know that. I've never been there but I live in Orange County, Newport. So that's not too far away." The boy shook his head and looked away from me. "My son's got a T shirt just like you. And he's about your age so when I heard about you I thought it might be Seth. Are you feeling any better now?" The boy hesitated, then nodded slightly. "I'll get going then. Good luck." I stood up and turned towards the door to leave.

"WAIT." The boy shouted after me, I stopped in my tracks and turned towards the boy again. "I need to search for my mum and brother. But I can't exactly… I can't… move around actually." He gestured towards his right leg that was covered in blood-stained bandages. "Maybe, if it's not too much trouble I could come with you and help you find your family and you can help me find mine."

"I don't know." The boy slumped again. "I can't just take a child, an underage with me and go. Or well, under normal circumstances I couldn't and…" I hated giving him this answer and could see the disappointment in his eyes. "Hold on. I'll go find someone to ask."

I didn't have to go far, when I turned around the same nurse from before stood in the door, and I could see on the look on her face that she had heard every word that we had said.

"During normal circumstances yes." She answered. "But these circumstances are anything but normal. And as long as you both say it's alright then you can go with him. Do you have an ID?" Not until now I noticed I somehow still had my wallet, and I pulled it up and pulled up my ID card. "Sanford Cohen… perfect. Wait here a second. I'll be right back."

The nurse disappeared again. I tried to smile at the boy who fought to get up, then almost fell when he put his weight on his hurt leg.

"Wait." I hurried over to him and supported him. "Is that better?" He nodded and took a few steps with my support. "That works." I stopped so I could put my wallet back in my pocket. Then noticed a folded picture in the small part for bills.

"Oh…" I pulled the picture up, with my wife's and son's faces smiling brightly towards the camera it made a big lump rising in my throat. "I didn't even know I still had this… Oh well." I put the things back in my pocket. "Yes?"

"Pull these on." The nurse came back with a pair of grey sweatpants for the boy and helped him get them on over his hurt leg and ragged shorts. "It will cover up your leg so people don't stare and it might help keeping infections away. Good luck Sanford Cohen and… you." I took a grip around the armpits of the boy again and together we made our way out of the hospital and out to the parking lot- now where on earth would we go from here?

"Are you looking family?" I heard someone with a thick, Thai accent shout. "Are you looking family?" I looked around and saw two Asian men sitting in the front of a pickup truck. "People here…" One of the men pointed towards the back flatbed of the truck. "Looking for family too. We drive around hospitals. Get up if you looking family."

I froze for a second, then quickly lifted the boy up and hurried over to the truck suddenly feeling as if there was a rush matter of life and death. There were already one man, one man, three women and one younger girl- about somewhere in her younger teens on the flatbed and the man helped me to get the boy up before I crawled up myself and the lid to the flatbed was closed and locked just after me.

"Who you looking for?" One of the women asked, she was holding onto a paper sheet and a pencil. Obviously taking the names of everybody these people were looking for. "Who you looking for?" While the car started moving she turned to the woman and girl- seeming like mother and daughter. "Names?"

The three women started talking quickly in Thai to each other and I turned in the other directions. Looked away from the pickup and on all the people walking, sitting or lying on the sides of the street. Hoping that somewhere in the groups see Kirsten's blue eyes or Seth's dark curls. But no, no nothing.

"And you?" I flinched when the woman with the sheet of paper and pencil called for my attention. "Who are you looking for?" I hesitated before I as much as knew the words. "Who are you looking for?"

"I'm looking for my wife Kirsten and our son Seth." I pulled out the folded, ragged picture from my pocket again. "My name is Sanford Cohen." I looked down on the boy next to me. "Your turn."

"I'm looking for my brother Trey Atwood and my mum Dawn Atwood." The boy leaned to the side and if I hadn't known better I would have thought he was on his way to fall asleep. But despite his position with half lying down I could see his eyes opened while he glared around him. To have something else to think about I took the picture of my wife and son again and only looked at it with thoughts spinning in my mind so bad I couldn't have found any words if I tried.

"God I love you guys." Were the only words I could think of and I whispered under my breath. "I just wish I knew where to find you."

"Does anyone have a phone we can use?" One of the women that had been quiet until now suddenly asked and looked around. "Maybe we can reach someone of our family members? I know most phones were probably washed away but if you got to keep your wallet…"

"No." I answered dryly. "The phone is long gone. Or I would have tried to call ages ago. I just wish I could…"

"Here." Before I finished what I had said about finding Kirsten or Seth, an elder, grey-haired man held me his mobile phone. "Try calling your wife, or your son. Try it."

Carefully, as if it might all disappear if I do it too fast I took the phone in my hand and shakily held it while I dialed the numbers and sent a grateful look to the man in front of me.

"Come on…" I whispered to the phone when I could hear the signals towards my wife's phone go by towards my ear. "Come on, pick up."

One after one the signals went by. Time and time again. Then suddenly the phone clicked of someone picked up and I tensed and looked up.

"Kirsten?"

 _The number you're trying to reach cannot be found. Try again later or leave a message after the tone._

I slumped again and hung up. A message? A freaking message while my heart felt like it was getting ripped to pieces of worry.

"Thanks for the borrow." I handed the phone back to the man but he pushed it back towards me. "I tried to reach my wife. My son doesn't have a phone yet."

"Then try to call home. They might have heard something. Call whoever you know has a phone and let them know you're safe. If they have heard what has happened they are just as worried for you as you are for your wife and son." I could only stare down on it as if I had forgotten how to use it. "Go on. I'm not taking it back until you've called."

Slowly, and with shaky fingers I dialed another number. Then held the phone towards my ear again and listened to the signals going by.

"Sophie Cohen?"

"Hey mum. It's me."

"OH THANK GOD, SANDY." I had never heard that panicking, high-pitched tone in my mum's voice before. "We saw it on the news. Are you okay?"

"I- I… I'm okay." I stuttered and my voice was breaking more and more by every sound. "B-b-but Kirsten and S-S-Seth…."

I couldn't finish the sentence, my voice broke and I had to support my head in one hand when I started trembling with sobs running through my body.

"I don't know where they are…" I forced myself to say when I could finally find my voice again. But still my voice trembling and hacking with sobs. "There was another wave and then I… I tried to hold on but they just disappeared." I broke down again "I can't find them."

"Sch honey." I could hear on the other end of the line. "It's only been a couple of hours. I'm sure you'll find them and they'll be safe and sound. And then, as soon as possible you can come home and come home safely and to your families again. Okay?"

For a moment I just wanted to shout back at my mum. Tell her that she wasn't, or hadn't been her. Tell her that she didn't see the wave coming and God knows what floating by. She wasn't there when the second wave came up behind me and I just hoped that this time that sound meant something else. And she didn't know the way I had held onto for dear life in Kirsten's and Seth's hands only to feel them slipping away when the water hit us. So how could she be there and be sure my loved ones were safe when she didn't see what could have killed them.

"We're on our way to Newport. We'll go to Kirsten family's and then… Then if one of us hears anything…. Hold on, Lucien is on the phone with Caleb. Lucy have they heard anything from Kirsten?" I heard someone talking on the other end but not quite enough to hear what they were saying. "No, not anything."

Instead of screaming right out so the whole of Khao Lak would be able to hear it, I sighed deeply and with eyes closed I leaned my head backwards and pulled myself together and then changed the subject.

"I found a kid in the first hospital I was searching." I looked down on the boy next to me who seemed half asleep where he sat. "I… I'm just thinking now that I don't even know his name. He's searching for his mum and brother. But he's got a hurt leg so he needed some help with getting around so we... we are searching together. He reminded me of Seth. I just couldn't… I just couldn't leave him… he's a child. I just couldn't leave him by himself and hope for the best."

"You're a very good person Sanford Cohen." Mum said shakily. "And I hope you know that whatever happens we are all so, very proud of you. I wish all the best for you and whoever this boy is but don't forget yourself taking care of him and searching. It won't help anything if you collapse before anything else." I could feel a lump rising in my throat again. "Wait, Dora wants to talk to you. I'll just pass my phone over to her."

"No mum wait." I interrupted before she had the time to pass her phone to my sister. And that when I saw the look in the eyes of the woman who had mentioned calling family members. "There are more people who wants to use one phone. So I have to hang up now but just…" I swallowed when I could feel a new lump rising in my throat. "…Just tell Dora and Lucien that I love them very much. And I love you too. I have to go now, bye."

Before mum could answer I had hung up. I wasn't so sure I could stand hearing her voice one mre time without breaking down and giving up on this all.

"Thanks for the borrow." I handed the phone back to the owner. "Sorry for taking so long."

"Don't say you're sorry. Telling your loved ones that you're safe was what borrowing was for." The man handed his phone to the woman. "I think we're almost at another hospital where we can start searching again. And I think everybody are on their way to put up boards with photos with anything that will help us find our families. Oh yes, here we are." The car turned into the parking lot of another hospital. "Time to go then."

"We go again in two hours." The driver shouted to the group while we opened the lid to get down from the truck. "If you not here we leave you."

"Are you ready?" I asked the boy who came more or less sliding with his hurt leg still stretched out ahead of him. "Come here." I helped him down from the truck. "Is it going alright?" He nodded and with my support limped towards the hospital's doors.

Earlier I might have been too chocked to even notice. But I suddenly realized how many people there were around and how one almost had to push people out of the way to find our way around. And when we came inside it was even worse.

Now how on earth was I supposed to find anything in this?

"Don't worry Cohen's." I mumbled, more to myself and right out in the air than for anyone hearing me. "I'm not giving up until I've found you."

 **Sandy and Ryan are, as well as many others looking for their families. None of them has found them yet but at least Sophie and Sandy's little sister and brother knows he is safe. They are on their way to Newport to spend the time with Cal and Hailey so everybody will know if they find anything. And there are loads and loads of people, some unhurt, some hurt, some alive, some even dead. Now among who of these are Dawn, Trey, Kirsten and Seth?**

 **Young Ryan is portrayed by Carson Lueders, the man is portrayed by Gary Oldman. Sandy's siblings who are mentioned are Lucien and Dora and are portrayed by Hugo Weaving and Susan Boyle.**

 **Random fact**

"Wearing a text with a shirt… no, shirt with a text that says I'm from California." It was wrong from the start because I actually wrote it wrong at first. And while I was on my way to delete it, I thought that it would make sense if Sandy was confused and chose the wrong words. I actually kind of liked it, even though it's just a tiny little detail.


	3. The people all around

**Thanks to Tif S, Dixie. f. 9 and GleeJunkie007 for reviewing.**

 **I know I only updated yesterday last. But I just can't wait to show you more of what happens and will happen and then this happened.**

"Now I think about it…" I suddenly came up with something when we were back at the car after the first hospital and started going through the streets of Khao Lak again. "You never told me your name. And I don't think I ever told you mine either. I'm Sandy." I held my hand opened so the boy could shake it. "Sandy Cohen."

"Ryan Atwood." He shook my hand. Then glanced over to the British man on the other side of the flatbed.

"Clifford Garver." The man answered before we had gotten the chance to ask. "You can call me Cliff. Everybody does." He glanced towards the Thai woman with the paper sheet and pencil. "Hey. Can I have a paper and borrow the pencil please?" The woman took a second to understand what he had said, then nodded and handed him a paper sheet and pencil. "Thank you. Who did you say you were looking for?" He looked to me and I was starting to get an idea about what he wanted to do.

"My wife Kirsten and my son Seth- their surname is Cohen." The man nodded and I saw him write down more names- obviously for someone he looked for because he didn't ask anything else.

"And who are you looking for?" He looked to the woman next to him, but she didn't react. "Excuse me. If you tell us who you are looking for then maybe we can help you search." She still didn't react. "Oh well…" He turned to the younger girl and her mum. But they both seemed to be asleep. "Are you searching for any family members?"

"No." The woman that had the papers shook her head and pointed. "My family live the mountains. We safe. I come here help." Cliff ripped the piece of paper he had written on off the rest.

"Here." Cliff reached the piece of paper to Ryan. "When you search for your family, try shouting out these names too every once in a while. So we can help each other. Who was it that you were looking for?"

"My mum and brother. Dawn and Trey Atwood." Cliff nodded and wrote the names of his family members and reached it to me.

"Maybe somewhere they have a pair of crutches or something so you two can go in different ways. I'm looking for my wife Julie Garver. Our daughter Christina Garver-Bailey. And then her husband Jonathan Bailey." Cliff let hear a deep sigh- the millionth today as he wrote down the names of my and Ryan's family members, folded the last piece of paper and put it in his pocket. "Thanks for the borrow." He reached the pencil back to its owner. "God…" Cliff rubbed his face in a distressed move. "It seemed just two seconds ago I was down at the beach waiting for Chris and Johnathan and… I hadn't seen them in a while and they hadn't told me. Then suddenly they are there and Chris was just… as you can see mum and dad. You are going to be grandmum and granddad and that very soon." I could see Cliff was fighting the tears away. "And we were so happy." He cleared his throat. "That was Christmas Eve. And then we had Christmas yesterday of course and we have this tradition with doing celebrations for my birthday on Christmas Day so we sat up… We slept in and were on our way down towards the beach and then…" Cliff swallowed when he thought about the wave. "Sorry. I have a way with talking."

"Don't worry about it." I replied while Cliff was still fighting the tears. "What are we supposed to do? Sit here and just be quiet? We have so far… But it's nice getting to know you. So was your birthday yesterday? On Christmas Eve?"

"Nope." Cliff sighed again. "It's today actually… Happy freaking birthday Clifford Garver."

I was about to wish him a happy birthday too. But I just didn't quite feel like it. Not after everything that had happened.

Then we looked up when we could hear the young, Thai girl with her mum on the other side off the flatbed clear her throat as if she wanted our attention.

"My name is Hathai." The young girl said in a Thai accent but good enough English for us to understand, her mother seemed to only speak and understand Thai. "My mum's name is Kanya." Kanya said something in Thai to her daughter and she nodded. "If it's not too much trouble, we could also have each list of those you three are looking for. I heard you talking." Cliff nodded and Harthai said something I didn't understand to the woman with the papers and pencil. She reached another piece of paper and the pencil. "My brother's name is Udom and my dad's name is Chakrii and our last name is Chamnansatol." Cliff nodded and added the names on all of our lists.

Hathai listened when the driver said something. Then nodded and turned to us.

"There is a hotel a few blocks away from here. They have made it into a temporary hospital. They just had to do it like that. Then we might have to stay for the night. The driver and his friend will get us something to eat."

"Eat?" I repeated under my breath. "How are we supposed to eat or sleep until…"

The thought suddenly hit me with full power that I might not become one of those who got to meet my family again. Never hold any of them in my arms, kiss or even talk to them again. Never, ever.

"No." I said out loud. And then didn't notice I had until I saw Cliff and Ryan looking weirdly at me. "Sorry. I was just far gone in my own world."

"We stay here." The driver shouted back at his group before I had the time to explain myself anymore. "My friend get dinner, you look. Then stay here. Tonight…" He looked back, put his hands together and leaned his head against the back of one hand to show that he needed to sleep. "…Tonight, dark. No see."

It was already quite late and dark. And while I also had to support Ryan with every step he took and keep an eye on him so he didn't hurt himself it was hard to see long at all. It was quieter now than what it had been earlier. The hallways of the hotel were crowded with extra beds and mattresses and people laid all around. There laid at least one person asleep on every bed and mattress. Many parents and children, sisters and brothers and couples laid together on one and there were more people lying directly on the floor. Then there were even more people running around like Ryan and myself trying to find their family and friends, and someone else running around with bandages and painkillers and God knows what else.

Outside the hotel I tried to look away. But couldn't fail to notice the sheets that had been blood stained and laid over something barely dared to think about what it was. And then grieving family members and friends who sat around together- or on their own.

"Here." When I and Ryan came back to the car after checking through the whole hospital Hathai held Ryan a pair of crutches. "I got you these. I hope they're good." Ryan let go of me and reached for the crutches. He seemed relieved for the privacy. "A bit too big."

"They work." Ryan put the crutches to the ground and tried to jump. "Thanks."

The man who'd been riding in the shotgun seat and the woman who had taken everybody's names had been away but now come back with a bunch of Styrofoam bowls with plastic lids and handed each of them to us all along with plastic spoons.

Food? Were we supposed to eat now?

Then, before we had been able to get the lids of the plastic bowls suddenly a blood- freezing scream startled all of us while the younger woman who hadn't said a single word yet crawled over the edge of the flatbed and half ran half stumbled over to the bodies of one man and one little boy at the most three or four years old before she collapsed onto her knees by them.

Kanya and Hathai got down from the flatbed and followed the woman. Kanya kneeled by her and laid a hand on the woman's back while the blonde pulled the body of the child close to her while crying loudly and didn't seem to notice anything around her.

Kanya looked up on her daughter and said something. Hathai nodded, turned and walked over to the driver and said something I couldn't understand. The young woman that had been riding this car with us earlier now still laid by the bodies of what must have been her husband and son. She hadn't been able to keep upright with all grief pressing her down.

But her screaming sobs still echoed all around.

 **Hathai is portrayed by Niana Guarrero (Who's from the Philippines but she works)**

 **Random fact**

If you have seen that movie you might have noticed already by the first or second chapter. But some scenes in the story, and the whole story actually is inspired by a movie called "The impossible". Which is a real-life story about a family who's gone to Thailand during Christmas in 2004 and then the waves hits and you know. If you haven't watched it then you should. It is amazing.


	4. The family members

**Thanks to Tif S, Dixie. f. 9 and GleeJunkie007 for reviewing.**

"Clothes."

I hadn't been thinking I would be able to fall asleep that night. But somehow I must have done it anyway. Because I flinched awake when the friend of the driver came and threw a pile of clothes onto the flatbed.

"I find clothes. Stores, just take. Take what you want."

At first I couldn't understand what he had said, at least not before everything from yesterday came crashing onto me again. Waking up, going towards the beach and then that noise, Ryan, Cliff, Kirsten and Seth…

I looked down on the clothes I'd been wearing since before the wave. I hadn't gotten a chance to switch them and I hadn't cared about it either. Now when Hathai was searching through the pile to find something new to wear I seemed to wake up and grabbed two ridiculously ugly T shirts with wide yellow and white stripes.

"Here." I handed the smaller one to Ryan, which would still be too big for him. "Did you get any sleep?"

Ryan didn't say anything, but shook his head slightly. I felt a gust of worry pass by. However this catastrophe would pass by the children would be hit worst. Children like Ryan.

"How old are you actually? I don't think you told me that?"

"Eleven." Ryan mumbled. Then leaned back in an exhausted move, he already had the sweatpants that nurse had given him to cover up his hurt leg. "Twelve in March."

"Just like my Seth then." I couldn't help but admit while I switched my holey shorts into another pair of sweatpants and watched Cliff grab a long sleeved sweater from the pile. "Although he'll be twelve in June so he's a bit younger than you."

Ryan just shrugged.

"Not much of a talker are you?"

He only looked up at me and the answer was obvious. I wasn't even sure why I had said anything at all. And as the car started moving again I would afterwards remember knowing it was only a bit past six in the morning. Even though I'd never remember how I found out.

(Cliff's still working cellphone actually)

Suddenly Hathai flew to her feet. She was screaming something, again and again but I just couldn't get out the words. Well, mainly because I understood Thai just as little as I had earlier today. But this was something different, and obviously Kanya had seen something too because she had started crying while Hathai had gone to shouting the same over and over again, pointing to something or someone I couldn't see before the truck finally stopped and Hathai jumped down from it and ran over to a boy in the crowd.

"UDOM."

The only word of it all I could understand was Kanya shouting for her son while she, with Cliff's help managed to climb down from the flatbed and shakily ran over to him.

I could see in the corner of my eye how the driver let go of the wheel and leaned back. To wait for some news from the two Thai's that had followed us through the whole trip. But all the while I couldn't take my eyes off the three in front of me, hugging and crying. Then talking- even though I couldn't tell a word from the other.

Udom said something suddenly and Hathai just slumped. I guess we all knew the news she had gotten with the expression she wore when she walked back to the truck to give us the news about what they'd do now.

"This is my brother Udom." Hathai said and wiped tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. "He's saying that my dad died in the wave. But I… You go on. We need to be with our family now." She backed away from the truck and my stomach dropped slightly.

When the driver started the motor again my mind started filling with what would happen if I, like Hathai and Kanya found only a part of my family. What if I found Seth but not Kirsten? Could I and Seth make a life without his mum and my wife?

And what if I found Kirsten but not Seth? I had always heard that the worst thing that could happen to a human being was for her or him to lose their child?

I swallowed the lump in my throat and forced the imagined pictures in my head away. Not think about that now. If any time, I could think like that if it would prove it would become like that.

And with that I stepped off the truck and helped Ryan down by the next hotel we stopped by, and so it continued. This one, another one, then another one as the day passed by.

"Kirsten Cohen, Seth Cohen, Dawn Atwood, Trey Atwood, Christine Garver-Bailey, Jonathan Bailey, Julie Garver."

And again and again and again.

And those boards that had been put by the entrances with photos and names.

"Can you see something you recognize?" I asked to my two friends standing by one, just about to leave for the next place. "Anything?"

Both Cliff and Ryan shook their heads "No". And once again we climbed up on the flatbed of the truck we were on and continued over the roads of the Khao Lak and Thailand that just two days ago had seemed like the perfect summer paradise.

"We go home." The driver turned back and watched us when we returned from another hotel without being able to find anything of interest. "One more hotel today. Then back to the hospital first. Then we go home." He gestured to himself and his friend. "And we no longer be with you." He turned back to the steering wheel and turned the car on.

"And we'll be on our own." Cliff stated and in a frustrated move hit his head backwards. "I'm not giving up that easily. If that's what it takes then I'll start from the beginning and do it all over again."

The driver pulled over by another hotel that had been made into a temporary hospital for victims of the tsunami wave. How many of these were there actually?

"I'm not giving up until I find my family." I told Ryan and Cliff while we walked up to the main entrance and ignored the sheets covering bodies that laid around before I opened the door for the others. "And if I find mine first I am not leaving your sides before you've found yours too."

Cliff shot me a slight smile, Ryan didn't respond at all. But when we split and went in three different directions shouting the names of our loved and lost over and over it wasn't with the energy it had had before. Something seemed to have been lost along the way.

But no, I wasn't ready to give up just yet. Never ever!

By the time we arrived back at the hospital we had started at only yesterday, it was afternoon and about to get darker. We all knew that if we didn't find them here today and right now. We would have to find somewhere to spend the night and then get on in the morning.

I knew perfectly well we all would have kept on searching ever second both day and night. But it would get dark and hard to find anything at all. And if everybody else were sleeping at night, then who would be there to answer our calls?

"You go that way." Suppressing a given-up sigh I pointed to Ryan who had gotten the hang off how to get around quickly with the crutches. "You go that way. I'll go here…"

By now I had memorized all the names that were, and we didn't need Hathai's family anymore so with heavy steps I walked into one apartment. Also this filled with hurt people and bodies covered with sheets.

"Kirsten Cohen, Seth Cohen." I shouted and hoped that it could be heard far and that maybe- just maybe I'd get an answer. "Trey Atwood, Dawn Atwood." With a deep sigh I continued. "Julie Garver, Jonathan Bailey, Christina Bailey- Garver."

I waited for a moment and continued through the hallways. With another deep sigh I just wanted to quit. But a promise was a promise and no way was I giving up so quickly. Then there wasn't a thought why I took it from the other side when I shouted the names again. But maybe if I hadn't…

"Christina Bailey- Garver…."

I never got further.

"Yes?"

I span around. For the first time in what felt like a million years I got an answer to my shouts. From a young woman who sat on a hospital bed. On either side an older woman and a man about her own age. And in her arms a baby. With that tiny and innocent looks only newborn babies had.

"Christina Bailey- Garver?" I stumbled over to the bed shakily. "Julie Garver? Jonathan Bailey?" They all nodded. "And little…."

"… _as you can see mum and dad. You are going to be grandmum and granddad and that very soon"_

"S-s-s-stay here." I stuttered while I tried to remember which direction from the main entrance Clifford had gone. "Do not move anywhere. I just have to… have to… CLIFF." I ran through the hospital, back to the entrance and in the opposite direction to what I had been in earlier. "CLIFF. CLIFF. CLIFFORD GARVER."

At last, suddenly I spotted him reading names out loud and searching around for his family. He did seem to be all in his own world and didn't hear me shouting until I ran straight up to him. And then when he saw me I didn't know what to say.

I just couldn't help it but, suddenly a big smile formed on my lips while I showed Cliff to follow me and then ran through the hallways again. It would have to be somewhere, somewhere around here and…

"Dad." Christina more or less breathed when Cliff and I came running up to her bed. "Dad…" Cliff didn't bother to run up to his daughter, wife or son-in-law. It didn't seem like he could keep himself upright before he kneeled and put his head in his hands breaking down in sobs. "But dad…" Julie and Jonathan seemed frozen, Christina with the little baby in her arms got up and led her father to first stand up, then sit down on the foot by her bed. "It's okay. It's okay we're safe. We're all safe."

Cliff only sobbed even worse while he didn't seem to know if he should talk to his wife, his son-in-law or his daughter, and finally ended up with his thumb carefully towards his grandchild's head stroking the thatch of dark hair slightly.

"Congratulations grandpa." Cliff was still sobbing when Christina carefully placed the baby in his arms. "Meet Gabriel." Cliff sobbed worse than ever. "Now. As his last name will be Bailey we wanted something alike Garver for his first name… Gabriel means God is my strength and Gabriel the angel is said to be serving as the angel of mercy, joy, judgment, truth and dream… And life. And I'm not crazy religious or anything but I thought it was a nice meaning and… and life… angel of life and…" Cliff sobbed worse than ever. "He could have… we could all have… And the angel Gabriel's element is… is water. So everything just seems to…." Cliff tried to place little Gabriel back in his mother's arms. "No dad. Look. Your shaking is putting him to sleep." Cliff couldn't help but laugh through the tears. "How does it feel to share your birthday with your first grandchild?"

"But the wave… did the wave?"

"I was having contractions that morning already." Christina carefully stroke Gabriel's thatch of dark hair. "But I didn't want either of you to have to share your birthday so I was trying to ignore it but…" They all held their breath when Gabriel moaned slightly, but he just moved in his sleep slightly and stayed asleep. "…If he had been born prior to the wave. I don't know what could have happened. But he wasn't, he was born right after and… and they have done some tests and there is absolutely no signs of him having any injuries at all. Nothing. So many people here have been hurt but he's… he's okay."

"He's perfect. Absolutely perfect."

Then I realized, that standing here watching this, at least for now happy family I had almost forgotten about my own- and Ryan's. And when I turned to keep on searching suddenly that blonde boy was right ahead of me.

"Have you found anything?" Ryan shook his blonde-haired head. "Nothing. I haven't seen any of mine neither but Cliff…" I glanced backwards towards Cliff who still held little Gabriel in his arms, but looked up at me and mimed "Thank you". "…Talk about happy ending and…"

I never made it to the end of the sentence before I heard the shouts. And they were not more than a few beds away from the Garver-Bailey's. But still seemed so far away.

"DAD."

"SANDY."

When I heard those two voices I recognized so well at first I just couldn't believe it. Not here. Oh if I had only stayed here from the start.

It felt like a million years between when I turned and saw them running towards me and when they were finally right there with me.

Despite the tears rising in my eyes, when I turned around I couldn't do else than recognize Seth's dark curls when he ran into my arms and ended up sobbing towards my shoulder while I just felt that I had him. I had him right here. As well as Kirsten who had the biggest black eye I had ever seen which I hit when I tried to reach forward to kiss her.

"Ow."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." When Kirsten pulled away and put her hand over her bruised eye I pulled one hand away from Seth's back and stroke the side of her face carefully. "I'm sorry. I was here from the start if I would only have stayed…"

 _Then I, Ryan and Cliff would never have went around searching for all of ours' family members._

"Dad. My ribs are broken. The way you're holding me like that hurts."

"Oh. Sorry." I leaned down so Seth could stand on his own two feet. Then let go and ran my hand through his wild curls. "Are you okay?" He nodded and held up his arm, which was in a big cast. "Is it broken?" He nodded again. "If I know you right then you think a cast is quite cool."

Seth just shrugged, normally he would have thought so. But I guess something like what had happened to all of us would change anything.

"Are you okay…" Finally I was able to kiss my Kirsten. Hard and feeling her bruised face beneath my palm. "Nothing broken?"

"Nothing broken. Just bruised." Kirsten ran a hand over the big black eye she had gotten. "Now when we're all together… God. I can't wait to go home."

And not until then I remembered.

"No. No I can't go home right now. Not yet." I struggled to find the words. "When I was here I found a boy… another boy who I thought was Seth. But it turned out it wasn't but then… I wondered if it was you Seth. If it was you and a stranger would I have liked for the stranger to help you get around- he has a hurt leg so he couldn't get around on his own. But I helped him… we have searched what feels like all of Thailand, I and Cliff…" I looked back on Cliff who sat on his daughter's hospital bed with his new grandchild in his arms and tears streaming down his cheeks. "And Ryan have went around to search for you and for Cliff's family and for his mum and brother and… Ryan? Ryan?"

The boy had been right behind me when I had watched Cliff and his family get together. I knew I had seen him there and then. Then I had heard mine shout for me and forgotten all about him. And when I walked back towards Cliff and his family all I could find was a pair of crutches. Which I picked up and in panic looked around.

"RYAN?"

Not until now I realized that Ryan was more than just another kid I had been searching around Thailand with.

I had found my family now. But there would be no way I would leave this kid alone until he had found his too. Not even if it so took a million years and travelling around the whole world.

"RYAN?"

"MUM." I recognized the voice shouting and turned to see Ryan partly stumbling, partly limping and partly jumping on his left leg around the beds of the hospital with panicked blood-freezing shouts. "MUM, TREY, MUM, TREY, MUM, MUM, MUM."

"Ryan." I grabbed the crutches and with one tear-filled look towards my wife and son walked after Ryan who had stopped on one spot and looked around. "Ryan?"

"MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM"

The last shout of Ryan's had me freezing where I stood. So had the silence that seemed so thick when Ryan waited and hoped with all he had that there would be an answer there never was. And while I started moving again towards the boy I hoped so too. Hoped with all of me that there would be an answer.

"Ryan?"

Then just as I caught up with him and called his name. I could see his eyes roll back as he went limp and collapsed in my arms.

 **Hathai's dad is dead, but her brother is alive and well and she and Kanya left. Oh and they have some new clothes to wear. Ryan's leg is still covered up by those sweatpants and he's still using crutches. Then Sandy finds Cliff's family. Including Cliff's daughter who was pregnant the last time they saw each other and now has a baby named Gabriel.**

 **Then… Kirsten and Seth. Seth has a few broken bones but Kirsten only has bruises. But still… No sign of Dawn or Trey. And the chapter ends with Ryan just collapsing.**

 **Cliff is portrayed by Gary Oldman, Julie by Gillian Bevan, Christina by Gemma Arterton and Jonathan by Ben Barnes. Young Ryan is portrayed by Carson Lueders and young Seth by August Maturo.**

 **Hathai and Udom are portrayed by real-life-siblings Niana Guerrero and Ranz Kyle. (Who are actually from the Philippines but never mind) And their mum Kanya is portrayed by Tamlyn Tomita (Who's actually from Japan but never mind)**

 **Random fact**

In the story both Ryan and Seth are eleven years old. And just like in the series there are only a few months in between them. While in reality, with the portrayers- Carson is more than six years older than August. I just couldn't bother to find new ones as both Carson/ Ben Mckenzie and August/ Adam Brody looks so much alike and I was too lazy to put more time to it.


	5. The infection

**Thanks to Tif S and Dixie. f. 9. For reviewing.**

" _He's burning up."_

 _My voice sounded weird, as if I heard it from the other side of the wall.I helplessly looked around on the nurses and doctors that had started gathering around Ryan and lifted him from my arms and up on a stretcher talking quickly in Thai between each other._

" _HE'S BURNING UP. WE NEED ICE, WATER, ANYTHING."_

 _My mind was spinning and it didn't seem anyone heard what I was thinking. If I could have thought clearly at this moment I would have known it wasn't so simple as for ice and water to cool him down. But something must have caused it._

 _Someone grabbed the piece of the fabric of his sweatpants with both hands and ripped it so to the point the whole slack was ripped in two pieces. And just like so many things we had seen the last day and a half, that sight would probably haunt me during the rest of my life._

 _The bandages that had been around Ryan's hurt leg since before were ripped off. But it had to be done quickly and with pulling hard- the straps had stuck to his skin and the wounds with dried blood. There were several large gashes all from his knee and down to his foot and around several of them the skin had blackened, and it wasn't from blood or dirt._

 _I wasn't an expert in medical knowledge. But several of the large gashes were infected- badly._

" _He needs surgery…" The blonde nurse that had let Ryan come with me earlier came up to me and spoke quickly to be able to go with the others while they got the sweatpants off fully, revealing more large, deep gashes. "…We need to remove the pieces of infected skin off for the infection not to spread." She looked back on a doctor shouting something in Thai to her. "Have you found his mum?" I shook my head. "If anyone asks then you're his guardian. Follow me, okay?"_

I flinched back from the flashbacks when someone handed me something. What it was I barely knew when I looked around in confusion and barely knew up from down.

"Here." Cliff was standing right ahead of me holding a Styrofoam box of the kind you find at restaurants. "We went out to eat. My family and I are all okay. But I figured you guys might need something too."

I could still see them in the corner of my eye. But to know they were there I just had to first turn my head to see them fully, and then lift my hand to stroke first Seth, and then Kirsten's cheek slightly.

And once again there was a gust filling up all of me in gratefulness that we were here and we were all safe.

"Here." Cliff shook the box again. "Don't worry. I haven't poisoned it or anything. They're just egg rolls." I opened the box and then held it out for Seth to take first. "And…" Cliff then handed me two glass bottles of cola. "I hope that's enough for you three."

"It's perfect. Thank you." I could barely find the words and could only see the door in which Ryan's stretcher had been pushed through along with doctors and nurses who were shouting loudly and quickly in a language I had heard so much but still couldn't understand. "How are you? How is your family? Oh, sorry. Cliff. This is my wife Kirsten and our son Seth. Kirsten and Seth, this is Cliff who has been with me and Ryan to search for his family."

"We're all fine." Cliff looked as if he was so tired he could collapse at the spot. But still some happy sparkle was glittering in his eyes. "Even little Gabriel. We have been able to leave the hospital so we're going to find and buy some plane tickets for Heathrow as quickly as we possibly can. I just wanted to come and check with you how you are? How are you? And Ryan?"

"I'm alright." I said, finally taking an eggroll myself when I could see Seth and Kirsten had eaten themselves. They were more important. "Ryan is…" I nodded towards the door he had gone through. "… I hope I can stay with him until we find… until we're back in Newport at least. But the wounds on his leg were badly infected they needed to start surgery to remove it or it would get worse and start spreading and…"

Suddenly the door to the surgery flew open and out came the blonde nurse that we had talked to earlier. I flew onto my feet and couldn't even find the words to stutter something only so I could know what was going on.

"The wounds on Ryan's leg were badly infected." She repeated what I already knew. "We had to remove big parts of the skin and the flesh and even pieces of muscle below for him to be able to keep his leg at all. But they think it's best if he goes to Newport as soon as possible to get better care. And we're going to send him now, in a small, private plane that will go straight to Newport." I nodded and could feel my blood streaming in my ears.

Could I ask her… If it was going to Newport anyway.

"I have talked to them a bit…" She started- not even saying who "they" were. "And they're saying that if you can come right now and come with us to the airport. Then you can go with the same flight."

"Oh." I almost shouted. "Oh thank you." I barely knew what I was doing when I pulled the young nurse into a tight embrace. "Oh thank you. I…. Just… just two minutes. Cliff. Do you still have that phone?"

Cliff must have sensed what was coming. Because he was already holding his phone and handed it to me. I shakily pressed the numbers to my mum's phone while I quickly counted in my head how long the flight would take, and what the time difference in between Khao Lak and Newport was.

"Sophie Cohen?"

"Mum." I didn't give her a chance to say anything else before I continued. "We're okay. We're all okay. Seth and Kirsten are right here with me…." I could suddenly hear a bang on the other end of the line. "Mum? Are you okay?"

"It's me." I did recognize my brother Lucien's voice taking over. "Mum's okay, she just lost her balance. Hailey and Dora are taking care of her. What was it that you said? Are Seth and Kirsten okay?"

"They're okay." I repeated. "Seth he… I don't have time to go into detail. We are getting on a plane now. Like, right now. It's going to be a while…"

"We'll go straight to the airport." Lucien interrupted me. "We're coming now."

"No, listen to me." What I was thinking was starting to make sense more and more. Although everything still seemed to be spinning. "It's going to be another almost twenty four hours. We're not going to be there until earliest tomorrow ni… tomorrow morning. Morning in local time. So, stay where you are and I'll find a phone when we get there. I'm telling you. Do not move…"

I looked up to see Ryan on a stretcher being pushed back into the hallway and the nurse signing that she needed my attention.

"I have to go now. Sleep. That will make time go by faster. I love you all. Bye. Thank you."

I quickly handed the phone back to Cliff and then embraced him.

"Thank you for all your help. We'll stay in touch, yeah?" I gestured to the phone. "So, what will happen now?" I turned to the nurse.

What did happen was…

We all got into an ambulance. My family in the front with the driver, I in the back with Ryan, the nurse and a doctor who was coming with us too. Ryan was unconscious, his leg was bleeding and bandaged but would so stay so I tried not to look at it. We went to the airport, and got in one of the smallest planes I had ever seen. It had three lines of seats with two seats each on either sides. In the back was an open space where Ryan's stretcher was put and fastened with special bests and the mask he had over his mouth and nose and the IV bags with blood (I tried to look away from that too) had special hangers over the window.

And then, suddenly we were in the air. With Khao Lak, that had been ripped into pieces by nature's powers flashing by down below us while we rose higher and higher and higher.

Up, up, and away.

"I'm Sandy by the way." Kirsten and Seth had fallen asleep in the seats in front of me. The blonde nurse who sat by me seemed to have a hard time keeping awake. "This is my wife Kirsten and our son Seth. We were just taking some time off with a last-minute trip over Christmas and New Year's after months of just working, working, working."

"I'm Brittanie." She said. "I'm a nurse. I went to Khao Lak for a while to see if maybe I could get a job here because…." She hesitated. "Well. I'm Brittanie. I don't actually work in Khao Lak but when the wave came they needed all the help they could get and there I was. I just finished College." She leaned down and started digging in her backpack. "There." She pulled up a photo of herself, and four people who were obviously her sister, brother and parents. "That's my family."

I smiled at the photo. Brittanie must have been younger than her sister and brother but I never thought of asking. She took the photo back and put it back in her backpack without looking at it a second time.

"Do they know you're safe?"

"I never got the chance to call them." Brittanie leaned forward and seemed to fight to keep her eyes open.

"Sleep if you want to." I said and ignored the fact that my head pounded with exhaustion. "I'll stay awake and keep an eye on… things."

"No." Brittanie pulled up a can of cola from her backpack. "Since when do I have this?" She shrugged and opened it. Only to have it all come spurting out on the both of us. "I'm sorry… I don't even have any tissues or anything… No. Thank you." I handed her the cola bottle I had gotten from Cliff but never opened. "Are you sure?... Caffeine… No. I think I'd like one medical staff awake at all times." She nodded backwards towards the doctor that had fallen asleep before the plane's wheels had left the asphalt. "You sleep. You look exhausted."

I hesitated, as a dad I always wanted to make sure the younger were safe and felt good at all times. And Brittanie couldn't have been much over twenty. But my eyelids were starting to close. So with a grateful nod towards the young girl I leaned my seat backwards .And then, while the now still, deep, Blue Ocean was taking over and destroyed land had disappeared down below us and the plane, my head fell to the side towards the window in exhaustion as I fell asleep.

 **Cliff, Brittanie, Sandy, Kirsten, Seth and Ryan are now all on their way home.**

 **Ryan fainted. Parts of the skin, flesh and muscle on Ryan's leg had to be removed due to infection. That nurse's name is Brittanie. She is young and have barely finished college. But thought she might go to Khao Lak and see how she liked it there.**

 **Random fact**

It will probably never be mentioned exactly how long it takes to fly from Khao Lak to Newport. I can't find how long it would takes without landings. But I'll try and make it make sense. Even though it's never even mentioned who that freaking plane belongs to (It's based on the ending scene of "The impossible") But damn it, who cares. They're going home.


	6. The welcome home

**Thanks to Tif S and Dixie. f. 9. For reviewing.**

 **I think I forgot to put it in the note earlier- Brittanie is portrayed by Lili Reinhart.**

"OW"

It couldn't have been more than a split second after I fell asleep when I flinched awake and quickly, in confusion looked around when I heard someone shouting and whimpering in pain.

"OW."

"Ryan." I tried to get onto my feet, held back by the seatbelt- as fast as I could unbuckled it and then ran over to the young boy and Brittanie who seemed to be trying to do something about it. "Ryan, sch, sch. It's okay. It's okay. Sch." I ran my hand from his forehead and through his fringe and hair. "He's got a temperature again."

"You don't think I know that?" Brittanie fizzled at me and with shaky hands pulled up a bottle with something I couldn't see what it was. "I… I'm sorry can you? I didn't mean to… Can you… Please… This is not strong. But it will put him out until we are at the hospital."

"OW." Ryan shouted again, he was obviously barely conscious but the way… the way he reached for his leg and grimaced trying to sit up. "OW OW OW. MY LEG. MY LEG." He tried to sit up again. "OW."

Delirious in pain and fever Ryan ignored my tries to hold him down.

"Sch." I tried, as gently as I could trying to press him back towards the bed. "Sch, sch, sch. You need to stay still kid. Stay still. There. It's okay." With that whatever in the syringe Brittanie had pushed the needle into his arm and pushed it into his system. "It's okay." I rubbed my thumb over his forehead and over his hair once again while I could see him relaxing even if ever so little. "It's okay. Yeah kid. That's nice, isn't it?"

Still fighting to keep his eyes open and whimpering in pain Ryan slumped back against the bed. I loosened my grip on his shoulders but as of now it didn't matter. He couldn't fight against it when the medicines took over.

"What do you think?" I turned to Brittanie. She was checking his leg but held a piece of a blanket in between me and the leg so I couldn't see. "Does it look bad?"

"Yes." She laid the fabric down on Ryan's left leg again and rubbed her eyes. "He's going to need more surgery."

"BRITT. MR. COHEN." We both looked up when we heard the pilot shouting. "YOU NEED BACK IN SEATS. BELT ON. LANDING."

"We can't be landing yet?" I felt a gust of fear. Where we crashing in the middle of the ocean on the top of everything that had happened? "We only just started. What's happening? Seth."

I hadn't been noticing when I ran over to Ryan. But Seth was awake too, in difference to when I had fallen asleep and was looking up at me with big, scared- looking eyes towards me, towards Ryan, then towards me again.

"Hey." I walked over and kneeled by him and reached to put my palm towards his cheek. "It's okay. It's okay." Seth nodded. "Does it hurt somewhere?" I brainstormed- then remembered how motion sick Seth had gotten when we flew to Thailand what felt like a million years ago. "Do you feel sick? Do you need a sick bag?"

Before he had answered I reached for one in front of him. He only shook his head when I held it to him and left it unopened in his lap.

"I want to go home dad. I want to be home right now."

"It's okay." I tried to ignore the broken tone in his voice and there were tears in his eyes. "It's okay. We're almost home now."

"SIR. GET BACK SEAT. LANDING."

"We can't be landing yet." I stroke Seth's cheek one last time. "It will be okay. Okay?" Seth nodded, but there were still tears rolling down his cheeks. "I have to get to my seat. Just a second." I hurried to the seat behind him and buckled the belt. "We can't be landing yet. Can we?" Brittanie was just getting into her seat. "What's going on? Why are we…"

"You've been asleep for hours." Brittanie interrupted. "We're getting close to Newport now. Kirsten and Seth have been awake a bit on and off but you and Akara…" Brittanie nodded towards the doctor on the other side of the small aisle. "…You've been asleep all the time."

"And you?"

I suddenly remembered what she had told me right before I fell asleep. About that she wanted at least one medical staff awake at all times. So if that doctor had been asleep through the whole journey…

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about that."

To put it in words- Brittanie undeniably looked like a skeleton. Pale as a sheet and dark circles around her eyes.

"How many days has it been since you slept?"

"I said I'm fine."

I tried to think of something to say. But noticing the angry tone in her voice and the way she glared at the doctor who had slept all the way I figured it might be for the best if I just didn't and got to my own business- such as waking up my wife.

"Kirsten…" I leaned over when the plane had started bumping downwards every once in a while. "Kirsten." She moaned and drowsily turned her head towards me. "We're almost there." She nodded and rubbed her eyes. "Are you okay Seth?"

"Yeah dad. I feel fine."

I drew a deep breath, I felt more relieved than was probably normal for my son not getting motion sick like before. But after everything that was quite a relief not to have to deal with that too. And as the plane bumped downwards piece by piece I leaned back in my seat and could do nothing else than to wait.

"AND WE'RE ON THE GROUND AGAIN." Seth shouted in relief and smiled back towards me when the plane's wheels hit the asphalt by Newport's airport. "Almost home."

I stood up, but not until we were on the stairs from the plane down on the asphalt I noticed how stiff I as. After sleeping for eighteen hours in that plane chair my legs barely bent enough and I could have fallen and tumbled down the rest of the stairs. My neck hurt and my head was pounding in tiredness.

What wouldn't I have given for a ride home, a warm shower and a soft bed to sleep in now?

"What's going to happen now?" I limped over to Brittanie and the doctor who met up with some paramedics that would take him to the hospital. "My name is Sandy and I've been…" I looked to Brittanie and remembered what she had told me. "I'm his dad."

I could see on the guys from the ambulance that they did not believe me for one second.

"I'm going to make sure to talk to someone about you and Ryan." Brittanie caught up with me and said. "I've never been so sure about making a right decision as I was when I saw you and Ryan get on that truck. And I can see you care for him… By the way. I didn't mean to fizzle at you like that."

"Don't worry about it." I promised her. "We're all tired and hungry and then we get angry, ain't nothing wrong with that. Are you here from California by the way?"

Before I got an answer we were inside and something else caught my attention.

Despite what I had told them over the phone just yesterday. The first few we saw coming into the airport was my mum, brother and sister, and Kirsten's sister and dad. For a moment we just stood there as if we were waiting for something.

"I know what you said." Lucien said at last. "About not coming to the airport. But we couldn't just sit around and wait."

As if to speak about how happy and grateful we were that they had actually come here Seth suddenly ran forward and threw his arm around the nexk of his Auntie Dora- these two were best friends so it came as no surprise anyway.

"Dor. Take it easy, Seth's got some broken ribs. You guys." I hugged mum and Lucien with each arm. Tears were burning in my eyes, but I forced them away before I let go and then embraced my little sister. Seeing in the corner of my eye how Kirsten and Hailey hugged and Cal stood a bit to the side and didn't seem to know what to do.

"I gotta go." I quickly let go of Dora and backed away. "You go home. I'll find a way to get there. I'm coming soon. For now I need to be with Ry…"

"No." When I turned around Brittanie was standing right there stopping me from taking another step. "Go home. Get a hot shower and a change of clothes. Eat something, get some sleep."

"I just slept for…"

"In. A. Bed." I was interrupted and didn't know what to say. "Look. I'm ninety nine percent sure Ryan is going to need more surgery. And whether he will or not he will be out for hours. Visiting hours don't close until ten P. M. And now is…" Brittanie looked to her clock. "Thai time… ehrm… she looked around and found a clock on the wall. "It's not even six in the morning. Go home. I'll come with Ryan. I'll talk to someone and make sure they'll let you see him. Then I'll make sure someone comes in contact and…" The Thai doctor that had been with us shouted for her and she shouted something back. "Look. I have to go. Go home. Get some rest."

There was nothing else for me to do while Brittanie jogged away after the doctor, the paramedics and the stretcher that Ryan was put on. Ryan still only seemed half conscious but I could hear him whimpering slightly in pain and wanted nothing more than to run up to him just to comfort. Promise him that it was going to be okay. And make him believe me, whatever it took.

"Come on bro." When Lucien caught up with me and laid his hand on my shoulder. "She's right and… boy. You do need a shower." I couldn't help but roll my eyes at my brother- always brother. "We can give you a ride home. We'll all stay with you guys for a bit. Come on."

I looked from the doors towards the ambulance where Ryan and the others were just leaving, then towards my brother and the rest of my family who were all waiting for me to come along. Then at last I got moving in my stiff legs, laid my arm around Kirsten's shoulders and walked out to the parking lot.

Without a thought that we might be too many to fit into mum's car.

"I and dad can walk…" Hailey said. "It's not that far. Bye Keeks." The sisters hugged tightly. "Get some rest now, okay? Come on dad."

I couldn't help but just stare when I saw Cal embrace his daughter tight too. I had seen Kirsten hug Hailey and their mum loads of times. But it seemed so unlike Caleb Nichol to hug his daughter- to hug anyone. He hadn't even at his wife's funeral eight months ago.

"Let's hope the police don't see us." Mum said just as I turned to the car, Kirsten got into the back seat on the other side of Dora from where mum made Seth crawl up in Lucien's lap and pulled the seatbelt around them both. "And not a word about this to anyone." She got into the driver's seat. "Sandy, front seat. Get in. And off we go."

Most of the journey from the airport and to our home was spent in silence. What was there to say? I didn't know what to say, even if I during short moments felt I wanted to say something. And it didn't seem nobody else did either. When I turned to check on the other's Lucien was holding tight onto Seth. And I just didn't feel like worrying for what might happen if we crashed right now. And with that I turned around and looked out my window and on these houses we had passed oh so many times before.

But never would have known what to feel when we were passing here today.

"Lucien and Dora." Mum started as we neared our driveway. And I could hear on her voice she was taking the control of things. "You two stay in the pool house. I will stay inside the house in the guest room but if you guys want more privacy or anything else you just have to tell me. Luce, help Seth so he can get a shower without destroying that cast of his and Dora. I'll just check some things and then I'm going to need you to take a trip to the store to get some things. Sandy and Kirsten- get a shower you too. Damn it, you smell."

I was on my way to say something. Opened my mouth, then closed it again. Such every-day things as deodorant or sweat just hadn't as much as passed my mind during the last couple of days. Then I remembered all that dirty water, the heat, the hospital…

"Thanks." I said at last. "Is that okay with you others? Dora to the store, Lucien helps Seth out in the pool house and Kirsten and I can both shower in the bathroom by our bedroom. Mum, first check what Dora needs to pick up from the store and then…"

"I'll figure what needs to be done San. You don't have to worry about anything."

I sent mum a grateful look, I didn't really feel like being in charge of anything right now and the way she had done it…

"Here we are." Mum pulled up the hill by our driveway. "Welcome home."

I didn't even know what to say. But felt closer to tears than ever when I stepped out of the car and helped Seth to come out of Lucien's lap.

"Why am I doing this?" I had opened the back of the car. "We don't have any bags or anything." I closed it with a bang and forced the memories of wherever our stuff had ended up away. "Oh well. It's just stuff."

And then, Kirsten and Seth walked ahead of me. And I followed them into the house while mum, Lucien and at last Dora followed me.

Just a minute ago all of this had felt like a million miles away. But looking around and then taking a deep breath for what must have been the first time since God knows how long. Then I finally, when Dora closed the door after us I felt that after everything we had been through we were here, alive and okay.

And as of now- we were home.

 **The Cohen's are back home. The nurse from Thailand, Brittanie went to the hospital with Ryan and was going to make sure people know that Sandy can meet Ryan later on. Ryan is probably going to need more surgery. First just a bit of small things, shower, food… maybe some more sleep but we'll see about that.**

 **Random fact**

I wanted to get this up today as it's the thirteen years ago since the tsunami.

I would have liked to put it up on the minute the right time. Which was 10. 31 A. M in Thailand. But since I'm in a different time zone that would have meant I would have to get up only to put the chapter up at like four thirty in the morning. So I didn't really feel like that and waited with starting the chapter until today.

I also wrote most of the chapter watching "The impossible". Go watch that movie guys. It is amazing.


	7. The trauma

**Thanks to Tif S and Dixie. f. 9. For reviewing.**

 **Happy new year everybody.**

When we walked from the hallway and further into a house I started feeling weirdly sedated. As if I was physically in here. Back in Newport and in my house. But mentally back in Khao Lak and seeing all the damage and death that had been made.

"How long has it been since any of you last ate?"

I tried to figure the answer to mum's question but my mind was working too slowly. A picture of a cola and some egg rolls from Cliff Garver right before we left Thailand. Another picture of a Styrofoam box with some food on the flatbed of a pickup van when I barely knew if I was able to eat at all.

"Dora." Mum put a shopping list in my sister's hand before I'd been able to answer. "Go to the store and get these things. Do not change anything on the list. It's just a few items but we'll have to do more shopping tomorrow or the day after and do it more exactly. Go now. And you, you and you." Mum turned to me, Kirsten, Lucien and Seth. "Shower, now. Lucien help Seth cover up his cast with a plastic bag. Then go into the pool house. You two can shower together. And do-it-now."

I and Kirsten only looked to each other as if we had forgotten what English words meant. Then I finally woke up and laid my hand on Kirsten's back and led her into the bathroom where I let go of her and turned my back to turn the lights on.

When I turned towards the shower again I felt more distressed than ever. Kirsten had stepped into the shower. But forgotten about something- she was still wearing those jeans shorts and a T shirt.

"Kirsten."

"Come in here."

Without waiting for an answer Kirsten turned the water on running. And then, once the water hit her and started running down her hair she first hissed. Then she took the expression as if all feelings had just simply ran off while she only stood lax in the shower and let the water run over her.

"Kirsten." I stepped into the shower, I too with all clothes still on. "Kirsten?"

I didn't know what made me do it. I just knew I needed to do something. And I needed to do something for my wife. So without another word, now with water running over the both of us I leaned forward and tenderly touched the bruise around Kirsten's eye with my lips. Then did the same at one bruise on her chin, and another on her neck before I continued down towards her shoulder, her arm, her elbow and down towards her hand on one side. And it wasn't until I raised to continue on the other that I noticed there weren't just water from the shower streaming down Kirsten's cheek.

"Hey." I embraced her bruised and sore body as tightly as I dared and laid one hand on the back of her soft, blonde hair. "It's okay now. It's okay…. It's…"

Kirsten, this woman I know who had just always been so, very strong was sobbing as if her heart was breaking.

And I could do nothing else than to hold her like that, stroke her hair and her back just to prove that whatever happened now or in the future I would still be here. I couldn't even say anything because it was only when I heard what I said I realized that I was wrong. This wasn't okay. None of this was okay.

"We're home now." I said at last. "We're safe. I've got you."

I silent. None of what I said sounded like enough and it all just sounded wrong. So for a moment I just held Kirsten while she sobbed towards my T shirt under the pouring water.

"I'm just putting some clothes for you here right inside the door"

I flinched when the door opened and (without opening the door so much she could actually she us) mum opened the door and pushed in a pile of clothes through the door. Then closed it again. Not until then I realized that we were still wearing clothes and would need something to wear afterwards too.

"THANKS MUM... Come here." I took a step back. Not that I wanted to but this could go on forever and things needed to be done. "Arms up."

The water had made the cotton fabric stick to her skin. But while Kirsten weakly held her arms up I pulled the shirt off and threw it in a corner of the shower. The thought only flashed by that as soon as all of these fabrics had dried off I'd set them on fire.

When I looked up again I saw quickly I recognized the grey and white pattern on her bikini top. It was the one she had bought only two days before we went to Thailand. Somehow it must have stayed on through the wave.

I helped getting that top of too. Then when Kirsten herself bent down to get a pair of shorts off I concentrated on getting my own T shirt and sweatpants off. Then threw everything in the same corner as the first T shirt before I took the showerhead.

"Lean your head back."

I couldn't have said why. Maybe it was something to do with how I had run around trying to find her and Seth. But I couldn't take care of myself and let Kirsten do hers. Instead I told Kirsten what to do as if I was talking to a little child. Then started running my fingers through her long, blonde hair while I washed it. And tried not to watch the water turning grey with dirt before it hit the floor.

Kirsten had bruises and scrapes all over. I carefully washed each of them at a time. Got a bunch of alcohol wipes from a first aid kit and then tried to shut out the noise of Kirsten's hissing whenever one of those wipes hit an open wound.

"Now then." I turned the water off at last, reached out for the biggest and softest towel in a cupboard that I wrapped around Kirsten. "Better?" Kirsten nodded. "Good. Mum put some new clothes by the door."

"Don't you need to get washed out yourself too?"

I looked down on myself and my body. I had been so concentrated on getting Kirsten cleaned off and to feel better I had forgotten. And drips of water had created patterns in the dirt on my body.

"Give me one second." In difference of when I did Kirsten I washed my hair and body as quickly as possible without leaving half dirt on myself. If I did I would only get dirty water all over the house.

Coming out of the bathroom, Dora had come back from the store was the first thing we could see. Mum was standing by the stove in the kitchen making something. But coming into the kitchen the first thing we really registered was Seth sitting there, wrapped in a towel and dripping wet. Lucien right by him, trying to comb out Seth's curly hair with a small comb he had found somewhere.

It wouldn't have bothered me. Walking around in a soft, warm towel and getting water everywhere was probably Seth's favorite thing to do. Lucien was a hair dresser and carried his bag full of combs, hair brushes and about a million things I barely knew what they were called- everywhere he came just in case he'd need it.

What bothered me was the panicked look in Seth's eyes and his bottom lip trembling as if he was on his way to crying.

"Mum, dad." He had been slumped on the chair but looked up when we came in. "The water in the shower. The water, the ocean. It made me think about the wave. And suddenly there was water everywhere? All around. Just like in the wave."

Lucien seemed weirdly concentrated on the comb in one hand, Seth's curls, one by one in the other and his job. But I knew my brother- I knew the way he swallowed and how Seth's words was ripping him into pieces too.

"Oh Seth."

"I showered anyway." Seth said with his voice breaking worse than ever answering his mum. "But the water made me remember everything. And then I just screamed… I just screamed."

Tears were rolling down my son's cheeks. He wasn't sobbing. Only crying in that heart wrenching, silent way that made me want to rip the whole world into pieces for whatever had done this to him.

But knowing I couldn't do that, knowing there was nobody I could blame and no one I could put all my anger on I only froze for a second. Then, at the exact same moment as my wife went over to our son at the same time and embraced him tight. Each one of us holding each arm around the two others.

My eyes were dry. Maybe I should have cried, with my son whose tears were rolling down his cheeks, onto his skin to at last drip onto my shirt. Or with my wife who knowing her, I knew she was trying with everything she had not to cry. Not very successful her tears were rolling so they ended up in Seth's hair.

I had heard somewhere years ago, that the best thing one could do after a tragedy. Out of every kind, was to cry- most of all cry together with the ones you loved more than anything. But I couldn't. Even though seeing Seth's and Kirsten's tears hurt more than anything else ever could I couldn't. And my eyes were still dry.

"Come here Seth." When we finally let go of each other mum came over and laid an arm around his shoulders. "I think you need some rest."

"I just slept for the whole flight back to Newport."

"Yes. But you've been under a whole lot of pressure during the last few days. You can eat something when you wake up again but now you need all the rest you can possibly get. You too Kirsten." I followed when mum lead my wife and son into my and Kirsten's bed. "You can be in here too Seth. Only for a bit so you don't have to be alone just now."

"The Nana is in charge."

Normally I would have laughed at what Seth commented. But I just didn't really feel like laughing now. And my smile ended up more of a halfhearted grimace before I decided to just follow the others into the bedroom where Kirsten as good as collapsed on her side of the bed and then tiredly rubbed her forehead.

"Do you have a headache?" Mum actually did seem like the only one who knew the tiniest things to do and she felt Kirsten's forehead. "I don't think you have a fever. Is there anything I can get you Kirsten? An Aspirin or some water?"

"No." Kirsten exhaustedly covered her eyes. I hurried over to the windows and lowered the blinds and then turned off the light. "Thanks Sandy. Are you okay Seth?" Mum had made the bed with some pillows and a blanket in between mine and Kirsten's side. And in difference from his mum he didn't seem to have any intention on falling asleep. Even though his eyelids were closing by themselves.

"It's okay." I ran my hand over his forehead. Maybe he'd gotten ill from everything. No- he wasn't warm. "You can sleep if you want to. Nana's right. We all need all the rest we can get."

"Dad." Seth tiredly looked up at me. His thick, brown hair and hazel eyes only barely visible from under the covers. And the way he looked at me sent a gust of distress through me- if I could take all of this away from my son! "Could that kind of wave happen here?"

I hesitated for a moment. The way Seth looked up on me had me wishing so bad I could tell him no. But I didn't want to lie to him. So I decided to just stay as calm as I possibly could and tell him the truth. Even though it might scare him.

"You know, these kind of waves, they're really rare. And they are made when there's a big, great earthquake far out at sea. But when it happened this time. Nobody knew what would happen because it haven't happened before. They thought there was an earthquake and that would be it. But if there would be one again. One outside here. People would know, and they would know what would happen. And therefore we would have time to get away from the water and onto higher grounds where the water couldn't reach us."

"But so many people lost all of their stuff. Houses and hotels. All of the stuff we brought there. It's all gone. Clothes and your phone and mum's phone and everything."

"Seth Ezekiel Cohen." I said calmly and forced back the shiver in my voice. "Those are just things. They're just material. They can be replaced." I pushed my hand through his hair one more time. Then left my hand lying towards his hair, with my fingers wrapped in the curls. "You cannot."

Kirsten turned on her bed and reached out to hold onto Seth's hand. Seth then turned away from me. And wrapped tight together both of theirs breaths turned slower as they fell asleep. I could do nothing else for them, so as quietly as I could not to wake them up. I stood up and left the room.

"Come here Sandy." Mum called me from the kitchen. "Food is ready?"

"Food? Have you been cooking?"

"It's only some chicken and rice." Mum started putting up on a small plate when I came into the kitchen. "And water. Don't forget the water." She filled up a glass and then turned to me. "Start off with this small portion. If you're still hungry in a while you can have some more. But I think it's best to start off with something that will be easy for the stomach to handle after everything."

I raised an eyebrow. I barely even got what she was telling me. Still I watched her take knife and fork from the kitchen drawer and walk towards the table before I protested.

"I gotta go to the hospital and see Ryan. He might be out of surgery soon. And I don't think anyone will have gotten contact with his dad yet. I gotta…"

"You gotta eat." Mum put the plate she had put up on on the table with a bang. "Sit down. Take your fork and eat. Now."

She hadn't changed a bit since I was little. Not even the words she used had.

And neither had the fact that no matter that I didn't feel like eating. I still took my fork and automatically chewed the smallest bites I could possibly take. While I also knew that mum wouldn't let me leave before every crumble of the food that had been there was gone on the plate.

I didn't know what made me do it. But with the plate and glass still on the table I just needed to get away. I knew Dora was right in the living room watching TV and mum and Lucien were talking so without telling anyone I took the kitchen door outside, passed the pool and glanced over the view over the ocean.

I and Kirsten had decided to move to Newport to be close to Kirsten's mum Rose when she got ill. But the view was like ninety percent of the reason we had moved to just this house. So close to the beach one morning I could just decide to go down and surf or take a swim. I could go jogging and decide to take the beach-route.

" _What happened to the water?" As we neared the beach in Thailand we could see how there was as if a wall of water nearing land. "Mum? What is going on?"_

Yet now the whole ocean seemed to be pressing towards my chest so to the point I couldn't breathe at all.

I stumbled into the pool house and sank to my knees behind the kitchen island. If no one had seen me go into the pool house they wouldn't be able to know I was here so I could expect to have some time of my own. Nobody would have to see me breaking down.

"Sandy?"

I should have known.

Far away, as if I heard it from the other side of the wall I could hear two pairs of feet's footsteps towards the floor. During a second I rose, laid my hands towards my sighs and tried to get up. Which only sent me into a new round of wild sobbing I sunk back into the position where I had my face buried in my hands and couldn't see who came.

"I'll get mum."

At least that was Dora's voice. I would have wanted to shout at her not to. Not to get mum, shouted at her to go away. Let me cry in peace. That this wasn't something mum, or anyone could fix. But I couldn't even raise and turn my head to see her. Let alone breathe for long enough to say anything at all.

" _SETH." Somehow I broke through the water. "KIRSTEN." Not half a second later I was being pulled down under again and hissed so my lungs filled with dirty water._

"Sanford." Mum's voice got me back to reality when she kneeled in front of me while I sobbed worse than ever. "Sch, sch, sch." She laid her arms around me in a mother's embrace. And I could feel Lucien and Dora embracing us both from either side. "It's okay. You're safe now. You're home."

 _Finally being able to grab onto a palm tree and holding on for dear life I did my best to look around. But where exactly was around? By all the water roaring around us in a million miles an hour everything looked the same._

"San? Can you hear me?"

" _KIRSTEN?"_

"It's okay."

" _SETH?"_

Memories from that dreadful day and how I'd been shouting for anything, or anyone familiar to me were flashing by. For the moment more real to me than mum's, Dora's and Lucien's arms around me in this very now.

" _KI…"_

I hadn't even noticed I had felt sick. But mum must have seen it coming before me because when I lurched forward and threw up time and time again. The bile burning in my throat making matters worse about the flash backs.

 _When my whole body screamed for oxygen the reflexes had me breathing in. Then feeling my lungs being filled with dirty salt water and God knows what else._

The heaving had turned into dry heaving that just wouldn't stop. Not even figuring how I could possibly keep sitting up and not collapsing on the floor my stomach kept painfully cramping and I couldn't even catch my breath.

" _Se…" At the same moment I was through the surface and trying to shout for something I was pulled down under again. My throat and lungs burning with the water it was strange how I couldn't feel the pain or hear anything around._

At last, still panting and sweaty I collapsed on the floor by the trash can. I was already on my knees so it wasn't a long way down to the floor. But then I was left, panting and shaky on the floor- without any intention of ever getting up again.

" _Excuse me. My name is Sanford Cohen and I'm looking for my wife Kirsten and our son Seth."_

"I'm sorry." I panted at last, returning to reality. "I didn't mean to…"

"Don't say you're sorry San." Mum kept her arm around my shoulders and pulled me tight. "You've got nothing to be sorry for. Something terrible happened to you. And it's going to come out and be dealt with in Lord how many ways. But you have no reason to be sorry for any of them. Now come on, we'll get you inside and you can go to bed with Seth and Kirsten."

"I just slept for the whole flight from Khao Lak to Newport. I've got to go to the hospital. Ryan is all alone."

"And you've been severely traumatized during the last few days. Ryan won't have left until tomorrow. Now, you need all the rest you can possibly get. Go brush your teeth and then bed!"

"I don't even have a toothbrush. I brought one with me to Thailand. I won't ever see that one again."

"I had a feeling this might happen." Mum let go of me and searched through the grocery bag Dora had left on a chair. "So I asked Dora to buy a bunch of more tooth brushes."

"Talking about Dora…" I slowly pushed myself up into sitting position. "Where is she? I know she can't stand seeing or hearing or even smelling people throwing up. It makes her throw up herself."

"I sent her and Lucy into the house again when I noticed you started heaving. Like I said- I had a feeling this might happen. And there's absolutely no reason to feel sorry or embarrassed for it." Mum supported me while I got up on shaky legs. "Now come on. Bathroom first, then let's get you in bed."

Mum didn't move an inch from my side making our way from the pool house and past the pool. Taking one step at the time leaned on mum I couldn't help but to turn my head and look over the ocean, remember the sounds and once again being threatened to come back to what was then.

"It's okay Sanford. One step at a time."

This time mum's voice and her arm around me kept me in reality's here and now. And with that, slow and heavy steps we made our way into the kitchen together. Mum handed me a new toothbrush from the grocery bag that laid in the kitchen still and waited outside the bathroom while I brushed my teeth, then washed my toothbrush with soap and washed it all off, then again, then again, then again.

As if all of this was going to go away with the sour taste of bile.

At last I threw the toothbrush in the trash and with slow, heavy steps again supported by my mum got myself to the bedroom and then collapsed on the bed next to Seth. Thank God my side of the bed was the one closest to the door. I wasn't so sure I could have made it a single step more when I fell towards the sheets. Panting at first, then rolled over to my side and gripped the fabric of my T shirt over my still cramping stomach.

"Here." Mum had gone for a few seconds, now came back and I could hear she had some things with her that she put by the bed and on the bedside table. "You've got a bucket and a glass of water here if you need it." I nodded slightly towards the pillow and felt mum gently pushing away my hand from my stomach before she started rubbing her hand up and down my T shirt towards my stomach. "Remember I used to do this when you were little?"

"You shouldn't have to do it now."

"Shush. Even if you so are a hundred years old, you'll still be my little boy."

I couldn't help but smile slightly and gave a short, mostly forced laugh. I would wish I hadn't though- the movement had my stomach cramping again.

"Ow." A small whimper escaped my throat. "Oh God."

"Sch. Sch. It's okay." Mum tried to calm me down calm me down while she continued rubbing my stomach as on a little child. "Just try to relax."

I tried to smile at my mum. Which was unsuccessful. Then closed my eyes and tried to relax.

"No mum." When I could hear her moving, even though half asleep I just couldn't help it. "Can you stay?" I could almost hear her smiling. "Only for a little, little bit."

"Of course I can. But try to sleep now Sanford."

I tried, well I actually really tried falling asleep. What could be any better? But I guessed there was something that just needed to be said because I simply couldn't. But without opening my eyes there was just something that needed to be said.

"Mum?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry I just left."

After all of these years and I hadn't told her that once. And this happens and I just had to.

"You didn't just leave Sanford. You went to go after your dreams. Now, I love you and as your mother there is nothing I want for you more than that."

It took me a few seconds to sort out and understand what she had told me. Then, at the words "I love you" I couldn't help but smile

"Mum?"

"Sanford Cohen. I swear if you're not quiet to sleep in ten…"

Like before- not even the words she had used had changed in forty years. I knew what was coming. I didn't have to listen to it. So half asleep and mumbling half into the pillow I raised my voice one more time before I zoned off.

"I love you too."

 **Then. That's it. The first chapter of 2018. I've been trying to get all of my stories updated. Only dancing in the rain and the moment I needed the most left. Oh, and the rest of the A/N left on this chapter.**

 **They're home. But traumatized. Sandy is trying to stay strong and be there for the others. Which ends up in him breaking down with crying and flashbacks. Seth was sent right back into the wave by the water in the shower and Kirsten is terribly bruised up. Although Sandy is doing what he can to make the best of it. Then Sophie, and of course Lucien and Dora are there for Sandy. It ends with the Nana actually. And after all- even if he'd so be a hundred years old he'd always be her little boy.**

 **And Lucien is a hair dresser. Doesn't really add anything to the story I just thought I'd mention it.**

 **Random fact**

I have almost finished the chapter and have got three options for the title of the chapter. Either "The Trauma" (That one's not exactly rocket science) "The little boy" (Referring to both Seth and Sandy and Sophie saying Sandy will always be her little boy.) And now I don't even remember the third option… Nope. Cannot remember.

Now I have another option. "The mummy's little boy" That's cute.

Well whether I remembered that third/ fourth one or not, I have had to choose one of them when you guys read this. I hope I chose the right one.


	8. The nurse

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9. And breather89 for reviewing**

It was early in the morning when I woke up and was barely aware of who or where I was. Then slowly, not yet opening my eyes I stretched and rolled over in bed. Wait? Hadn't Seth and Kirsten been here when I fell asleep?

And wasn't mum here too?

I opened my eyes and sat up looking in all directions still in confusion. At last I took the glass of water from my bedside table and slowly drank it while seeing the bucket by my bed had the memories of my breakdown and everything else coming back.

With a held back moan I got onto my feet and picked up the empty bucket to take it back to the bathroom. Then slowly, every piece of my body aching after everything I made my way through the house. First to the bathroom, and then to the kitchen where I could hear the others' voices.

"Hey kid." I ruffled a bit in Seth's hair and leaned down and kissed Kirsten's cheek. "My dear… Now mum." I stood up again and faced mum who had a plate with more rice and boiled chicken. "Now… I know we did. But did you get any sleep tonight?"

"Lucien and Dora are still asleep. They're in the pool house."

"I wasn't asking about Lucien and Dora. I was asking if you have slept." Mum's glare at me was perfectly enough. "Okay. You took care of everybody. Now it's your turn." I took the plate from mum's hands and put it on the table. Then laid a hand on her back and gently lead her through the house and up the stairs. "You are not allowed to come downstairs again until after at least eight hours sleep."

Well, just like mum I could also use the same words I had thirty years ago.

"The visiting hours starts now at eight." I sat down by the table and shoved a few bites of rice and chicken into my mouth. After those few bites I got up from my chair again. "I'll go and see how Ryan's doing." I had expected Kirsten to starting to fuss. Maybe I didn't have to get up just as quickly as possible. But she seemed to sense how important this was- maybe we all did understand more than ever after everything. And with that, with a slight nod towards the both of my younger siblings as they came inside the kitchen, I was through the house and out the door.

Passing by these streets I had passed so many times before I tried not to think about what had happened since I passed them in this direction before. One picture after the other came flashing by but I forced them away. The road- I needed the focus on the road.

Hospital, paid parking, where would be my biggest chance of finding someone? Finding Ryan? At last I walked into the emergency room and up to the desk where I caught the attention of a receptionist.

"Excuse me. I arrived here with the plane from Thailand yesterday. There was a person with me, Ryan Atwood. Do you know where I can find him? Oh… And I'm Sandy Cohen. He knows who I am."

"Sandy? Sanford Cohen?" I nodded to the nurse that had caught my attention from the other side of the reception glass. "I think you know someone named Brittanie Jacobs am I right?" I nodded again. "Come with me."

Something in the nurse's voice gave me a feeling something unexpected had happened. That it was worse than it had seemed at last. And all the way while she lead me through the ER. I could hear my heart beating in my chest until she opened the door to a room for one who was staying more than just coming in and then going home.

"Good morning." On the only bed in the room, after everything she looked paler and more tired than what I had seen her before. Also kind of lonely was Brittanie. "What happened?"

"Nothing."

"That was not nothing." The nurse was still standing in the room. "I have to go and get something. Please- the both of you. Stay here."

I turned back to Brittanie who rolled her eyes again and then sunk back towards the mattress that had been raised in that end so she could sit up despite the weakness in every move that she made and her whole figure.

"I told the ones upstairs about you. You can go and see Ryan any time you like." I nodded thanks. "Feels good to be home yeah? It's been three days and a bit since the wave." Brittanie sighed deeply. "That and the month and a bit I spent in Thailand feels like a lifetime… Ryan did need more surgery by the way. The infection in his leg had spread."

She was interrupted when the door to the room opened and the same nurse that had showed me in here came back with something to eat and drink.

"Here." Brittanie sighed deeply at the sight of the sandwich and the glass of water that was put by her. "And you…" The nurse looked at me. "Can you stay here and make sure she eats? And doesn't just try and trick us and throw it all away like she did last night?" The nurse sternly look at Brittanie who sighed again and rolled her eyes. "None of that young lady."

She seemed mildly impressed by whatever was going on. Yet too tired and weak to fight. I laid a palm towards her arm and stroke it slightly with my thumb- anything to try and give as much comfort as possible while I asked again.

"What happened?"

"I don't even remember." Brittanie moaned and every little move seemed stiff and painful. "I do know I was at pediatrics and told them about you and Ryan. I was going to check wherever if I could get a plane ticket for wherever. But then I was so confused and then I can't remember anything else. When I woke up they told me I'd collapsed. That's the first time they tried to make me eat that nurse mentioned. It wasn't that I was trying to trick them… I just didn't feel like eating. And then I fell back asleep and woke up only ten minutes or so before you came. I do know though they hooked me up to an IV. I don't remember what fully but I think I was dehydrated or something."

"How long exactly had it been since you ate or slept before you came here?"

If what I was feeling for wanting to take care of this young girl who didn't seem to have anybody else in the world right now was anything close to what mum felt when she wanted to take care of me I did get all of her fussing.

"I don't know… some time before the wave I think. It hasn't exactly been the first thing on my mind…" She took the sandwich but instead of eating started breaking it into pieces. " I just want to go home." Brittanie kept glaring towards the door into the hallway. "Then of course. Before I was as much as alive again. Someone had searched through my bag in search for whatever. And contacted my dad and now he's obviously on his way here and I can't move an inch before he is."

"That will be good then." I tried even if ever so weakly. "There's nobody that can know you better than your own parents. Have you had any way to contact him yourself yet? Or your mum? Or anybody else that you know? Do you have a phone? Oh… Yeah… My phone was washed away in the wave too so I'm afraid I can't help you much on that part."

"I wasn't even in the wave. But wherever that phone ended up it wasn't with me. I guess I dropped it somewhere in all the rush with so many badly hurt patients coming in at once."

Maybe It wouldn't have been possible for someone who hadn't been there. But I could see Brittanie was trying to keep the memories of pictures of everything she had seen the last few days away. On the tense expression on her I could also see that despite all concentration she could possibly use- she wasn't succeeding very well.

"When do you think he'll get here?" I asked to at least give her something else to think about. It wasn't much- but only watching her was so helpless. "Is there anything I can do? Get him from the airport or something?" Brittanie shook her head. "Are you sure? Where are you from by the way? Are you from anywhere nearby?"

"New York."

"Oh… Well then it does take a while to get here." I leaned back in the chair and tried to think of something else to say. But everything just seemed so weak and stupid for today. But before I had the time Brittanie had started talking on her own. Just casually, it seemed at first at least.

"Have you heard about hotel four bees in New York City?"

"Yeah…" I hesitated slightly. "I think I've heard about it. We were going to stay there once but the prices were a bit too expensive. What about it?"

"My dad owns it."

I raised an eyebrow while a memory of a circle surrounding four bees flashed by. Along with a four word slogan. All words beginning with a B.

"Better benefits beyond beautiful, right?" Brittanie snorted while she kept on breaking her sandwich into smaller and smaller pieces. "Stop that. I know you don't want to but you've got to eat." She sighed and put a piece in her mouth while glaring at me. "I know."

"Those are the words on the plaque. But the actual B's are Beverley, Benedict, Brooklyn and Brandon."

"The names of your parents, sister and brother?" Brittanie gave a slight nod while I counted again and again. Had I missed something? "And what about the fifth B?"

"I wasn't born when he started it. Mum and dad were quite young when they had the twins. Dad wanted to prove to his family and friends he could make a good living despite that…. They didn't exactly plan to have another one seven years and a whole new-started hotel later but then… there I was. And their fun four bees plan didn't exactly work. I guess it wasn't that bad though. I never fit in much anyway. Mum and dad are very, very successful and I don't know how many millions of dollars they own. Brandon and Brooklyn wants to follow in their footsteps. I'm… There was nothing else I ever wanted to do than to be a nurse. I knew it since I was five. It's not exactly the most glamorous or well-paid but while everybody wanted to be gold medalists or famous singers or actors I just…" Brittanie sighed deeply and took another small piece of her sandwich. "But I thought that if I went to some random country on the other side of the world from New York then it would be good enough… for me. For my parents… For mum, for dad."

"Britt." I interrupted. "Believe me. I am a parent myself and if there is one thing every parent knows it is that that there is nothing your children could do or say or be that would make you love them any less than what you would if it wasn't. So don't you believe that they love you any less because you aren't a millionaire or famous. They love you. And only you."

I wished I could have promised her. But knowing way too well what kinds of parents there were in the world, and from everything I had seen as a lawyer. I just couldn't. And the thing was. When the young woman in front of me started talking again she was absolutely right.

"Look! You don't know me. And you don't know my parents. And you don't know what my mum said when I was just about to leave for Thailand. And you don't know anything so you just… can you just…"

"Britt?"

Brittanie was interrupted and silent when the door flew open. And I turned just to see a group of four people- all with the same, blonde hair as Brittanie hurried into the room.

"Mum?"

Only by that one, short word I could hear. And only during a split second Brittanie just seemed so absolutely given up. As if there was nobody in the whole world who cared for her- and she didn't expect them to now either.

I stood up and backed away, while for a few seconds Brittanie and the rest of her family seemed to be frozen where they stood (or sat in Brittanie's case). Then the mother broke from the group, hurried over to her youngest daughter and embraced her tight.

"Oh Britt. Those terrible things I told you when you left. I've regretted them every second since you left. And every day I hoped that you would call and say you wanted to come home. And then we saw about the tsunami on the news and… and… and… I don't know what I would have done…" Tears were streaming down Mrs. Jacobs's cheeks and for the first time since I knew her, Brittanie grimaced and tears started silently falling from her eyes, down into her mother's shirt.

For a couple of minutes I barely knew up from down. I just stood there and watched as Brittanie first crying into her mum's shirt. Then let go, pushed her covers off and stood up on weak legs to then have her whole family embracing each other from each direction while I waited.

"I just wanted to…" When they let go I just felt I had to say something. "…I've met Brittanie during the last few days. She has been amazing." Brittanie gave a weak smile. "The best there could have ever been and taken decisions in a second that would have been hard for people twice as old as her. If you want to be a nurse then you should go for it Brittanie. You'll do it amazingly and you…" I gazed over the whole family. "You should be very proud of her. Now if you excuse me. There's somebody else I have to go and see."

And it broke my heart that Ryan most likely didn't have the opportunity to lie on his bed and wait for his family to arrive. Although maybe he had heard something from his mum or brother by now. And his dad I still had heard nothing about…

"Sandy. Wait." When Brittanie shouted just as I reached out to open the door I turned again feeling terrible over every second here kept Ryan alone. "There's something you should know before you go and see Ryan. When we got here he had to have more surgery. The infection had spread in his leg and through the bones. They had to amputate."

 **This chapter was kind of boring. Sorry. Mostly talking and the same over and over again. But anyway, now you know a bit more about Brittanie and where she comes from. It seems to have changed her too after everything and even her family who weren't even there. Although maybe she's just as given up as God knows who.**

 **But then… Ryan again. They had to amputate his leg due to infection. That's no good.**

 **Brittanie's family are portrayed by Naomi Watts, Owen Wilson, Lucas Till and Britt Robertson. And yes. I like choosing portrayers for my characters.**

 **Random fact**

Like I said. I like choosing portrayers for characters. But if you didn't see- there is the one where I got Brittanie's name from (Brittany "Britt" Robertson) And Naomi Watts, who's got the role as Maria- one of the main characters in the movie I talked about that is set in Khao Lak during the tsunami catastrophe and gave me the idea to this story. Owen Wilson and Lucas Till are just random on the other hand.


	9. The boy and the other boy

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9. And Tif S for reviewing**

"Hey." I walked up to the desk in the pediatric ward. "I'm looking for Ryan Atwood. He came in here yesterday and had surgery. My name is Sanford Cohen."

"Well Sanford Cohen. The word has been going around you're on your way. So much time had passed by I was starting to doubt I would ever see you. Down the hallway, third door to the left."

"Down the hallway, third to the left." I repeated. "Thank you for your help."

Down the hallway it wasn't hard to count to three. And hurrying to meet Ryan I only knocked a few, short times and then opened the door.

Wrong!

"Oh." I looked to the small girl on the only bed in the room and then to what must have been her dad next to her back and forth a few times. They both looked at me as if they had seen a ghost. "Oh. Sorry. I'm obviously a bit disoriented. Whoa." I turned and walked almost straight into a nurse. "Sorry… Ryan Atwood was supposed to be down the hallway third door to the left but…" I pointed backwards to the door that had now closed behind me. "…That's not Ryan."

"Down the hallway." The nurse grabbed my arm gently and led me to the end of the hallway where she turned to the left. "Then one, two, third door on the left." Without knocking she opened the door. "You're welcome."

In difference from this room Ryan shared with three other boys. One of whom was sleeping, one with a Gameboy that he was playing and the third was packing his things to go home it seemed like. Ryan's bed was furthest away from the door, and in the corner of my eye I could see the other three watching me while I passed them.

"Hey." Ryan ignored me coming sat up and caught the nurse's attention. "Have you heard anything new? From my mum or my brother?"

"No. Sorry honey." She answered him. "Nothing. We'll tell you the second if we do." Ryan sunk back towards the sheets. "But don't give up yet. The communication between Thailand and the rest of the world is a bit slow right now from everybody trying to reach their families."

"Dude." The guy with the Gameboy snorted and turned to Ryan. "You need to chill out. That's like the fifth time you ask. They won't get any news faster because you keep nagging them." Ryan more or less flew up sitting and seemed to want to fight the guy- I couldn't blame him. But grimaced, gave a short shout and fell back towards the sheets holding his leg- or more, what was left of it.

"Easy." I laid a hand carefully on Ryan's shoulder. "Just try to relax kid." Ryan was grimacing and still whimpering and twitching in pain. "Should I go and get someone? Maybe they can give you some more painkillers."

"Dude." The guy with the Gameboy spoke again. "I wouldn't bother. It's not even eight a. m. and he's had enough painkillers to put out an elephant."

"SHUT UP."

I hurried to my feet and with one move pulled the curtain around the bed around us so we would get some privacy and get away from the boy that seemed to have nothing better to do than to pick on his roommate. In a freaking hospital!

"Are you okay?" Ryan was trying to sit up but fell back again so I leaned down under the bed and tilted the headboard so he wouldn't have to fight so much. "Has that guy given you trouble before?"

"We've been in the same room for twelve hours, none of us has been able to move so…" Ryan shrugged and gave me a meaning glare. "How have you been doing?"

"I'm alright. My little sister and brother are living with us for the moment and so also mum who makes sure both she and Lucien and Dora takes care of me, Kirsten and Seth. It's already driving us crazy."

I silent when I realized what I was doing. A memory flashed by of running around on that hospital in Thailand. Before I met Ryan and what felt like alone in the whole world- here I was moaning about having enough of the ones who were there for me.

"What about you? Have you heard anything from your dad?"

"THEY CANNOT REACH HIS DAD WHEN HE WON'T EVEN TELL THEM HIS NAME."

Ryan flew up again, then grimaced with his hands on his leg and fell back towards the sheets with that angry fire still burning in his eyes.

"Easy kid." I stood up and laid my hand on his shoulder in a calming gesture. "Easy. You'll be okay. I'll go talk to him."

I didn't have any idea about what to say. But I did know that I couldn't let this guy pick on and getting into Ryan's business without having anything to say in the matter. And with that matter I pushed the curtains out of my way and walked over to the boy's bed.

"Hey. Sandy Cohen." I greeted. "What's your name?"

"I don't care and none of your business."

The boy didn't even look up on me. But even though pressing the buttons in the heck of a speed he seemed to be in the real world enough to hear what I said. Kids these days…

"So." I checked the charts by the foot of his bed. "Clark huh?"

"My whole life."

"Very funny." I said ironically. The boy only glared up at me for not even half a second, then turned to his Gameboy again. "Any certain reason for eavesdropping? Was there something you would have wanted to hear?"

"What could that have been? Why would I? But we're like ten meters from each other without anything but a curtain and space in between. So it's a bit hard NOT to hear."

"Well. That you're right about." I gave a deep sigh. "Look kid. I get it. Spending the holidays in the hospital sucks." Clark looked sternly down on his Gameboy and didn't say a word. "If there's anything you need. Tell me, or one of the nurses or a doctor. Don't go and cause trouble for Ryan. Maybe you could be friends and spending the time in hospital won't be so bad after all."

"What do you know about that?"

"You've got a point. I don't know about that. But even though it's a bit hard to imagine now. I have too been young and I know exactly how annoying people can be when you can't get away from them."

This time Clark didn't even look up at me, he didn't say anything neither. Just kept on pressing the buttons on his Gameboy. I stood up again- guess it meant our conversation was over. Then slightly patted his leg while I went back to Ryan's bed. Where Ryan sat up and had his head turned to look out the window. He didn't seem to hear me coming back. And did have a thoughtful look on his face that I hadn't noticed before.

"A penny for your thoughts. Can you see much from there?" I walked over to the window, and only to have somewhere for my hands than in my pockets I lifted my hand and ran it towards the curtain and then to the wall next to the window and looked out. "Parking lot. Wow. White walls, hospital smell, boring or rude roommates and no better view than this." I suppressed a sigh, Ryan still didn't say much. "If you want to. I could get a wheelchair and we could go down to the cafeteria. Or outside. I think it would do well for you. To get moving a bit and get some fresh air. Do you have a jacket or a sweatshirt or something that can keep you warm?"

"I don't mind." Ryan fingered with the fabric of his blanket. "You can go if you want to. I'll stay here."

I bit my lip. The silence was just as awkward as it could possibly get. But Ryan didn't seem like much of a talker and I didn't want to be too fast forward.

"I talked with Brittanie" Wait… he had been unconscious most of the time she was there. "You know, that nurse from Thailand. She told me about the surgery they had to make." Ryan was still staring out the window, without making any intention to show me he had even heard what I said. "So, how do you feel?"

"It doesn't matter how I feel." Ryan barely mumbled still not looking at me. "I can hate it ever so much. It's not like it would make a new leg grow."

That threw me off for a bit. I could hear myself stuttering something. Not even stuttering, only making a couple of noises before I silent all and realized that there was nothing to say anyway.

"You know though." I started at last and changed the subject. "If you tell me his name and everything I could get in touch with your dad. Someone's got to do it. Maybe it's better I tell him rather than just some other secretary. You can't keep him secret forever. But believe me, I know what you think about your parents when you're eleven. And even more when you're thirteen or fifteen. But he probably hasn't even heard that you're back here, safe at least. And then, don't you think we should let him know?"

"I don't think he'd care much for it."

"What?" Ryan had only barely mumbled and I hoped I had heard it wrong. "Why would you think something like that? Ryan, he's your dad."

And there were all kinds of dads in this world. So what did I know about Mr. Atwood when Ryan didn't even seem to want neither me nor anyone else about his freaking name.

"You don't have to be afr…"

"Hey guys." I was interrupted in the middle of a word when Kirsten and Seth came around the curtain. "They let you two in too huh? What were they thinking?" I gave Kirsten a quick hug and ruffled in Seth's hair. "Ryan. I don't think you… This is my wife Kirsten and our son Seth. Kirsten, Seth. Well you two have… kind of met Ryan."

They kind of had, only he had been more or less unconscious at all times.

"We've heard so much about you." Kirsten said politely. "You…" She silent- what was she supposed to say? Ask if he had heard from his family yet. "Well. Sandy. We're going to do some shopping. Almost all our things were lost in Thailand. And we're going to go buy some phones at first so we won't have to go back and forth between here, home and into town to talk to each other." Kirsten sat down next to me while Seth seemed to be trying to start an awkward conversation with Ryan. "I know he didn't have one before and we weren't going to buy one until his birthday this summer. But I'm going to buy one for him now, today." I nodded agreeing. "I want him to be able to reach us after everything that's been going on. Okay?"

I nodded agreeing again. If I knew Kirsten right for a bunch of more things than we had planned. But I too would think that priority one right now would be for us to be able to reach each other even when we weren't in the same room.

"Can you go get the phones first and then come back here when you bought those phones? Just so we can reach each other during the day too?" Kirsten nodded and I recognized the look in her eyes. "Yeah. You were already planning that. Of course."

"Well. I think faster than you… Maybe we should get something for you too?" Kirsten asked Ryan. "Do you need anything? Clothes? Something to spend your time with stuck in here?" Ryan just shrugged. "What do you like? Wearing or anything?"

"I don't know." He sighed. "Music I guess. Journey and Queen. Those kind of bands." Ryan froze and seemed to remember something. "But really, you don't have to get me anything Mrs. Cohen. I'm alright. Really."

I tried to give Ryan a meaning look. Something that would mean "That's going to make her buy even more." But of course, he didn't know Kirsten so he wouldn't know until someone told him.

"Let's go Seth."

Kirsten caught Seth's attention. Both of the boys seemed quite relieved their awkward kind of conversation was over and then. Once again trying to think of something else for Ryan to do than to sit there on that bed and feel sorry for himself. Not that he didn't have a reason but anyway.

"Be back in a second. You know what?" I walked up to Kirsten and made sure to speak so quietly Ryan wouldn't hear. "Get more, whatever you think but get him a jacket. Make sure to get him a jacket. I don't care of what kind just… a jacket so he can go outside when he feels better. Okay? A jacket. Geez. How many times in the last minute did I say the word jacket? Jacket, jacket, jacket. Do I need to write a note?" I backed through the door out in the hallway. "Or can you remember that? Jacket?"

Kirsten just smiled and shook her head at me. I walked over to the reception desk and caught the attention of the receptionist.

"Do you have a piece of paper and a pen or pencil?"

"Do you think I need a shopping list to buy a jacket? He's about the same size as Seth. So it shouldn't be too hard." I nodded and thanked the receptionist and then kissed my wife.

"I believe you. But I'm going to try and get a phone number, or even just a name so I can get in touch with Ryan's dad. And my memory isn't like yours." I held up the paper I had gotten. "See you later. I'll be here until you get back."

"We'll know where to find you."

I wasn't very willing to admit it. But I slowed down my pace while walking back to Ryan's room. At first I tried looking around to find something to talk about when I got back. Then it didn't feel right. Like a hospital was too private to look around like that in and I stared into the floor until I was back in Ryan's room and behind the curtain.

"Kirsten loves shopping. You can bet, that just because you told her you wouldn't need anything she's going to come back with all clothes you need for ten years forward, three boxes of Christmas candles and a lamp. You don't have to worry about the money or anything. If you come up with anything you need…" I didn't finish the sentence, only gestured to him and he nodded. "Hey. Your brother Trey's older than you is he?" Ryan nodded.

"Why?"

"Nothing."

Something told me Ryan wasn't used to getting what he wanted. Maybe not even what he needed. For costs maybe, Chino wasn't exactly the richest community. If Trey was older than Ryan, Ryan maybe would be used to going dressed in hand-me downs even if there was something else that he wanted more. Whatever he wanted.

"About your dad then." I finally took the chance to do what I knew would have to happen sooner or later. "Do you know his phone number so I can call him?"

"No."

"I can't call him or you don't know his phone number?"

"He doesn't have a phone."

I looked up on Ryan when I heard the given up tone in his voice. Something that told me that it wasn't just about a phone or being able to reach his dad.

"An address then? I can go talk to him? Chino right?"

Ryan still wasn't looking at me. Not telling me a word as if he actually didn't want me to know. As if he actually didn't want me to find his dad and tell Mr. Atwood his son was in hospital. As if Ryan actually didn't want Frank to come and see him.

Oh God. Why couldn't I see this? It was clear, wasn't it?

"Ryan." I waited for a second, then continued when Ryan looked up and into my eyes. "I, we are not going to give up and leave you if your dad comes along. Or your mum or your brother either. If you still need or want us by your side then we'll be there. So don't you worry about that. Whatever happens I promise you, you won't have to be alone."

I stroke Ryan's shoulder when it seemed he wanted to do nothing but cry. But he didn't cry. He just sighed deeply and pointed to the small paper and pencil I was holding to note what he told me.

"My dad's name is Frances Atwood- he goes by Frank mostly. He lives in Chino. Oakwell Road number twenty one."

"Yeah. I think I've heard about that. Not the house in particular of course but the block."

Some memories flashed by about the name of that street. Something about drugs, alcohol and guns. Stolen cars and robberies. I shook my head, that must have been at least fifteen years ago when I was new at the job and a stealing of an old lady's handbag seemed like the worse. And of course, only because something was going on somewhere on a street it wouldn't been it would be in just that house and for Ryan's dad.

Right?

 **Well. Sandy now went to see Ryan in the hospital. He is in a room with three other kids, one named Clark who is kind of a jerk. But of course, hospital over the holidays does suck- even more than the rest of the year of course. Now Kirsten is going out to buy phones, then buying whatever else they need, also a jacket for Ryan. And when they come back Sandy will go to Chino to reach Frank. Now this will be interesting.**

 **Random fact**

Honestly. Ryan isn't the easiest character to get into character when writing. Especially since in this, he's much younger than in the series. I hope I'm doing alright anyway… all of those glares!


	10. The fathers

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9. And Tif S for reviewing**

 **There is a new edit in the collection for this story. For Clark. The link to the collection is on my profile. Clark is portrayed by Mace Coronel.**

 **I know I just put up a chapter last night but- I just had to write this too.**

Later the same day as I had been to the hospital and met Ryan again I was driving up the roads towards Chino. These parts of California I did try to stay out of as much as much as I could. It did remind me of where I'd been born and grew up. But it seemed like a different world than from where I was now and I didn't want to see anything that reminded me of it. At least not stay there more than for driving through. Like I had to do now.

"Twelve…" I checked the numbers on the houses and mumbled them to myself, finally driving up Oakwell road. Odd numbers on one side, even on the other. "Fifteen… eighteen… Twenty one." I pulled over in front of what must be the right house and pulled the brakes. "Here we go." I stepped out of the car, walked around it and hurried up the porch steps before I knocked on the door.

During waiting I looked around a bit. The front porch was small, and there were plastic bags and empty bottles lying everywhere. One old bike was thrown in the middle of the yard and the whole neighborhood stunk.

I knocked on the door again, harder this time. But still there wasn't a sound from inside and I knocked again, hard. Before I suddenly heard a bang from inside and then heavy footsteps.

"What?" Just as I was about to leave Mr. Atwood finally opened door. Then stopped in the door with one hand still on the door handle and the other (which was also holding a glass bottle with whatever in it) on the door frame as if he couldn't for his life imagine to let me in or at all move from the door during this century.

"Frances Atwood?"

"Frank. And I don't want to buy anything."

Before I'd had the chance to say anything or stop him Frank had shut the door in my face and left me standing on the porch again. I sighed deeply and knocked on the door again. Knowing that even if I wanted to give up I couldn't.

"I said I don't want to buy anything."

"I'm not selling anything."

"Get lost then."

When Mr. Atwood tried to shut the door again I kicked out and stopped the door with my foot. Mr. Atwood glared at me (I could see where Ryan had gotten that from if nothing else). But at least didn't tug it again.

"I have to talk to you about your son. I met him in Thailand after the tsunami. I figured you might want to know he's safe. And maybe you'd like to visit him in the hospital."

"After the what? Visit him in the what?"

I felt a frown form in my forehead. Hadn't he heard?

"Mr. Atwood. Have you watched the news or read the newspaper during the last couple of days?"

 _Or even went outside the door?_

"Nope. Why? What happened? Is there something I should "

"There was an earthquake… There has been tsunamis…" Mr. Atwood raised an eyebrow. "Big, monster- waves. They come in towards land and cause great, big floods. Around the coast of Asia. I and my wife and son were in a place called Khao Lak in Thailand. Your wife and sons were too. I met one of them when I was looking for my family after the wave. He's now back here at the hospital in Newport. Mr. Atwood. I don't… It's important so… Maybe we can go inside and we can talk for a bit. I don't really want to stand on the porch and tell you about… things."

"Sure." Frank didn't exactly happy about it. But he did back away from the door to let me in. Then drank from his bottle while I passed him and led me into a small kitchen. "Sit." He pulled up a chair and hit it right over. "Oh damn. Not again." He picked it up again, hit the leg of it slightly and then sat down. "Sit. There's another chair there. That one's not broken."

"Well then. My name is Sanford Cohen. Sandy you can call me…"

"If you came here to tell me about your name you can leave again. I am not interested."

"No. I came here to tell you that your son is in hospital. There were earthquakes out in the ocean outside Asia's coast lines a few days ago. Which caused these huge, monster-waves. A lot of people were hurt and I lost my family in it. When I was looking for them I found your son and we started going around searching together. He has a hurt leg so he couldn't move on his own. I found my family. And just about then your son collapsed due to infections in his leg. He had surgery as well as it was possible to do there. Then they flew him to the hospital in Newport to get better care and I and my wife and son could get on the same flight. Now he has had more surgery and will be staying in hospital. Since both his mum and brother got lost in the wave I have taken care of him as if he was my own son. But he needs one of his guardians… parents. And he gave me your address so I could come here and tell you that he is in hospital and he's back here and safe."

Mr. Atwood only watched me for what must have been several minutes with the tip of his bottle still to his lips. Putting everything I had said together and then, at last breathed in to speak and said something.

"When can I go visit my son then? When can I go visit Trey?"

I realized I had never said it wasn't Trey who was in the hospital here. I had just mentioned him as his son or brother.

"No wait… You got me wrong. It's not Trey in the hospital, it's your other son- Ryan."

"So... Where is he? Where's Trey?"

"Trey got lost in the wave. Dawn too. We… I and Ryan and another friend of ours ran around in the hospitals trying to find them but we couldn't. Then the wounds on Ryan's leg got infected. They had to do surgery and then took him back here to get better care."

Once again Mr. Atwood silent and frowned. Then slowly put what I had said together and drank more from his bottle. Obviously ignoring the fact that he was already drunk and it wasn't even noon.

"So… Trey's missing. He was in the wave the Sue-whatever you called it. And Dawn is missing too… Do you think that they… they might not even be… alive… Do you think they might have been killed? Trey's not a very good swimmer."

"A lot of people died in that wave. I don't think it mattered much who were good swimmers or not. Yeah… a lot of people died. But a lot of people lived too and it's only been a couple of days so we can't give up hope yet that Trey and Dawn might come back."

Mr. Atwood frowned and looked thoughtful. I could almost hear the way his alcoholic-ridden mind had to go on and on to understand what I had just told him and what it meant.

"So, you're saying you don't know where Dawn and Trey are… But you do know that Ryan's safe and in town. In the hospital while Dawn and Trey might not even be alive. Have I gotten this right?"

"Yes."

"Ryan is safe and Trey's missing?"

"Yes."

Mr. Atwood frowned and drank more from his bottle. And there was something in the way he looked at me that sent shivers down my spine. As if there was something in it- something evil.

"Shame."

I couldn't tell he didn't scare me. But of course, that was a way to say it too. But wait… Ryan safe, Trey missing and then shame? Well… Maybe he just meant it was a shame that Trey was missing- of course that's what he meant.

Well I could try to fool myself if nothing else.

"I was thinking that if Ryan has got things… clothes or anything that he could use to pass by time here. Then I could bring it with me to the hospital and no one will have to go back and forth between Newport and Chino several times to get the things."

"I think they took most things with them when they left." Frank stood up, but swayed and stumbled back and forth when he walked out of the room. "Just a minute. I'll go check."

When Mr. Atwood had left the room I took the chance to look around. It was dirty and dusty. It stunk of dust, mold and alcohol. Everywhere stood beer bottles and cans. It didn't seem as if this place had been cleaned for the last year or so.

"Here." Mr. Atwood came back into the kitchen and threw me a filled up plastic bag. "That's all of Ryan's things I could find. Now. You've got the things. I know what happened bla bla bla." He lit a cigar. I got the point.

"I guess I'll leave then." I pulled a paper sheet out of my back pocket. "Here is the phone number to me, to the hospital. The number on Ryan's room, stuff like that." I threw the paper on the table. "Whoa."

Mr. Atwood had rudely grabbed me and pulled me with him through the kitchen and threw the hallway where he pushed me out the door so hard I stumbled outside and then fell down the porch to end up on my back on the ground.

"And don't come back." Before I had the chance to look up Mr. Atwood threw something at me and slammed the door behind him going into the house. I took what at first seemed like a big piece of fabric, then held it up in front of me and realized it was a jacket. And with that I got up, checked my shirt sleeves (I had ripped up holes when I fell backwards and one of my elbows had a bleeding wound.)

Now, what else could go any worse?

I got the plastic bag from the ground and went back to my car in relief. One thing was for certain though. If I didn't have to for Ryan's sake- I wouldn't want to return here in a rush.

I threw the plastic bag and jacket in the shotgun seat. There was no reason for me to stay. Nothing I could do for Ryan anyway so I backed out of the driveway as quickly as I could and drove down the road with concentration on everything but the road ahead of me.

Wave, water everywhere, Ryan, surgery, amputation, Clark, Frank… Kirsten and Seth. Everything I loved! Everything I cared for! It was all spinning in my mind and made my head feel like it would either shut off or explode.

I didn't return to reality until I accidentally drove straight into a crossroad against a red light. And even then I didn't notice until I heard the blasting honk to a car that almost drove straight into me. And stood on my brakes not to hit another one- hard.

I couldn't stand in the middle of the crossroad for any time so I hit the gas again and drove into the side of the road where I braked and then turned the car off. The sounds of the blasting car horns were still ringing in my ears and my heart beating so hard I could feel the blood streaming through them.

Sitting right there, at the side of the road everything made me want to break down crying all over again. Even though I barely knew why- damn it! What hadn't that wave taken with it? Energy, feelings, strength, concentration? I had met drunks through work millions of times before but right now. After like twenty minutes at Mr. Atwood's I just wanted to either cry or lay down and sleep.

At last I turned the key and shifted the gear to start driving again something in the shotgun seat caught my eye. And when I turned I saw that the bag I had been standing there had tipped over and out had fallen a ragged old teddy bear.

"Hey." I reached out and took it. "Where did you come from?" The teddy bear was of the kind that you could get at any supermarket, brown, soft and with a blue bow around its neck. Big thatches of its fabric fur was long gone and its brown glass-eyes had a calm and thoughtful look to them looking up at me. "Are you Ryan's? Well. I better take you back to him." I snorted at myself and put the teddy bear away. "My God Sandy Cohen. Talking to a teddy bear? Have you lost your mind?"

Well maybe I had! Because when I put the teddy bear back on the shotgun seat I made sure it was comfortable. And then stretched out and pulled the seatbelt over its stomach.

"Now. Don't take that off. You'll go through the windshield if I have to brake like that again." I started the car and steered out back into the road. Then sat silent for several minutes before I said something again. "Do you know something that fascinates me? How children carry around on stuffed animals like you. Like every single step they take that stuffed animal is in their hands. And even when they're older. They just mean so much. And they end up having gone through so much together…" I stroke a part of the teddy bear's head the fur was off. "You and Ryan must have been together through a lot huh?"

It was almost like I could hear the teddy bear answer me yes.

"Now. Can you tell me something? Can you tell me what big, mean Frank has done to you? Did he ever hit you? Or kick? Or push? He did push me but I had only been there for a little while. You do know. That if someone does something like that it is very important that you tell an adult. Someone else, like a teacher or someone else you trust. Someone that could do something about it?"

I wasn't a teacher- but of course, what could I do about it? The time would come when Ryan was leaving the hospital and most likely going back to Chino.

But no- if this drunk, rude, obviously quite violent bastard I had seen today was the way Frances Atwood usually acted. Then there was no way I was going to send Ryan back to him. He had already been through way too much as it was.

"Oh Teddy. I kept my eyes on the road moaning to that bear again. What can I do to make this better for Ryan? Can you tell me that?"

 **Sandy has now met Frank. Who is not in prison like he is in the series- but he's a drunk and quite rude. He does pull Sandy with him and then push him so hard Sandy actually falls- and that's an adult full-grown man. So what couldn't he do to a child?**

 **Random fact**

I love the idea of Ryan having an old teddy bear. And the only idea I like more than that idea is that Sandy does talk to it as if he was talking to a human being- so cute!


	11. The care

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9. And Tif S for reviewing**

 **There is a new edit in the collection for this story. For a kid named Hector. He'll be in the story in the future. He's portrayed by Finn Wolfhard. Two more characters not in the polyvore comes with him- Hector's parents, Elena and Kevin are portrayed by Julianna Margulies and Matthew Fox.**

"Here." I held up the plastic bag Frank had given me coming back into Ryan's hospital room. "Whoa…" I looked around. "…Sleeping guy went home I see." Ryan nodded slightly. "But right now Clark has taken over his spot as sleeping guy." As on a given signal Clark turned over and mumbled something in his sleep. "Well, on the way the bag fell over and this fell out." I held up the stuffed bear. "Is it yours?"

"Yes."

"Does it have a name?" I handed the bear to Ryan who carefully took the bear in his hands and ran a thumb over it's ragged and partly furless head. "Usually these things gets their names. Seth has a plastic horse named Captain Oates."

Ryan hesitated for a bit, As an eleven year old boy I figured admitting you had an old stuffed animal that still had a name wasn't on the top priority list of things you do so I had decided to let it go and laid the bag Mr. Atwood had sent with my by the foot of the bed.

"Is there anything you need?" Ryan shook his head silently. "Anything new on your mum or brother?"

"No."

For every time there was the same answer about Dawn and Trey Atwood it just felt like someone throwing a punch towards my stomach. And even though it had yet only been a few days since the wave. Suddenly I just felt like I couldn't even say that and that they might be safe somewhere still. And instead the thought that came up was that they also might not.

I patted Ryan's shoulder as if that would make anything better, then sat down and placed the bag with whatever Mr. Atwood had sent with me for Ryan on the bed next to him. Only trying to think of something that I could say.

"It's a beautiful day outside."

Really Sandy? I mean come on!

"A bit cold but still nice. Maybe we should get out of here for a bit. So you can come out of this room and get moving for a bit. We don't have to go anywhere, we could just go down to the restaurant and…" I noticed the tray that stood on Ryan's bedside table- it didn't seem to have been touched much. "…get something that will be tastier than whatever that is supposed to be." Ryan just shrugged.

 _Come on kid, tell me what I can do for you._

I shook my head and those words away. If it would only have been so simple! And yet I knew I couldn't give him anything that mattered. Like news about his mum or brother or a promise that his dad would come and see him.

"You should go outside." A nurse had come into the room and heard me without me noticing, so went over to Clark while he kept talking to me and Ryan. "It helps the blood flow in your leg to get up and move. And the quicker the better. Some fresh air wouldn't be a bad thing either. Even if it's just for a couple of minutes. I can get a wheelchair for you and I trust Mr… Cohen was it?" I nodded. "To take care of you in the best way possible. Besides, it's time for this one…" He glanced to the sleeping boy next to him. "Anyway, there'll be a lot of coughing and gagging and phlegm and moans during the next half hour or so. So I think Clark here would appreciate some privacy. It's also not a very pretty sight."

I raised an eyebrow, then looked down on Ryan. At least this nurse had gotten him to hesitate- more than what I had done at least. Even though he looked about as questioning as I felt about what was going on with Clark. And that before he looked up towards me and waited for me to decide what he was supposed to do now.

"You're in charge kid."

"Fine." After just another moment of hesitating Ryan carefully pushed himself up. "Why not?"

I could think of quite a few reasons of why not. But ignored it and forced my lips sealed while the nurse got the wheelchair that would be needed for Ryan to get anywhere at the moment. Ryan himself reached for the things his dad had put in the bag and pulled up the jacket so at least it would keep him somewhat warm.

"Now." The nurse had disappeared for a moment but soon came back with a wheelchair. "You will need some time getting used to your new… situation. And of course it will take some time before the wound has healed and everything. You might have trouble moving at all now at the very beginning but it will get easier and easier and you'll learn more and more how to get around with one foot and crutches. But for now, use the chair okay?" The nurse turned his head when Clark started coughing at the other side of the room. "Mr. Cohen can help you get into the chair can you?"

The nurse didn't let wait for it before he turned towards Clark. Who was now drowsily sitting up, coughing so he gagged and his whole body shook. I shook my head and forced myself to look away and to Ryan.

"Of course." I bent over him and got one arm under his leg and one under his back while he wrapped his arms around my neck. "Are you okay?" I carefully lifted Ryan down into the wheelchair, he winced again, but nodded at my question and reached for the blanket on the bed to lie it to cover up his legs, or more- what was left of them. "Let's go then."

I hesitated for a moment to see how he wanted to do this. Then, when he looked at me I walked over to get behind him. And then pushed the wheelchair with Ryan on it out of the room and through the hallway, into the elevator and soon we were outside at the backyard of the hospital where it wouldn't be as many people walking by as if we sat down by the main entrance at the front. And thinking that Ryan probably wouldn't have liked as many as possible about what I had been met by at his dad's I wanted to give him that privacy.

"I went to talk to your dad." I sat down on a bench right outside the doors so I reached Ryan's height. Then hesitated for a bit before I continued. "Does he drink a lot?"

I already knew the answer to this question. I had seen enough of it in my years as a lawyer before to know alcoholism when I saw it as clear as on Mr. Atwood. I wouldn't have had to ask. Ryan only kept his regular callous state and shrugged anyway.

I had seen so many different types of reactions and personalities working as a lawyer. Everything from "no comment" to someone throwing fits as if they expected not to be punished for what they had done if they just acted up or ran away far enough.

Yet nothing had ever frustrated me so much as seeing Ryan like he was right now. The way the wave seemed to have taken all kinds of reactions and feelings away from him along with most of his left leg. Maybe he had always been this callous to when people had talked about his home situation, of course. But I hadn't met him then, and he was eleven years old. And kids this age didn't act like this unless something, or someone had hurt them and then told them to, or not to tell.

"Ryan. I'm not going to get into this if you don't want to talk about it. But I have seen quite a few cases of families where one or more of the adults are alcoholics. And one thing I want you to understand is that no matter what happened, and no matter how much of that your dad drinks you have done nothing wrong. And it is not your fault."

Ryan didn't answer, he didn't make any intention of showing me he had heard. I at last looked away towards the street a bit away where an ambulance was just pulling up and stopping. Then just watched as an old woman on a stretcher was lifted out and quickly pushed on the rolling bed into the emergency room during quick instructions and what was happening from the paramedics to the doctors and nurses of the ER. And I guess I heard it, yet I didn't.

I and Ryan must have sat like that only watching but lost in our own thoughts for at least half an hour without saying a word to each other. And I barely even remembered he was still there until in the corner of my eye I could see his changing his position and then winced in a way as if he might not have meant to. But was in too much pain not to let it slip out.

"Does it hurt?"

"It's nothing."

Nothing? Really? Most other people I knew- any age would be screaming so loud the whole town could hear at all the pain that he must have been in. And I barely noticed it, but I had done something like raising an eyebrow- and Ryan had noticed and sighed.

"It's just a bit sore."

"Come on." I stood up and grabbed the handles of the wheelchair again. "I think you need to get back to your room." Ryan didn't respond. "And I think Kirsten and Seth might be back any minute with whatever things they bought."

Just as if it was meant, at the exact moment I had helped Ryan get back into his bed and covered up his leg with the blanket the door to the room opened and Kirsten and Seth came in.

"Hey…" Ryan looked towards the things they had brought. "…I told you. You really wouldn't have had to get anything for me."

"And what did I tell you" I sighed jokingly. "What did you get guys?"

"We got you these, figured you might need something to pass by time in a place like this." Kirsten handed Ryan a box with a portable CD player, a pair of headphones, two CD's and a copy of Harry Potter and the sorcerer's stone. "I hope you like them."

"Now that book is great." Seth pointed to the book. "It's about a kid named Harry Potter. Well obviously since he's in the title of the book. But he's like an orphan and left at the doormat of his aunt and uncle's when he's a baby. And then at the day when he turns eleven he finds out he's a wizard and…

"Don't spoil the whole plot to him Seth." Kirsten interrupted. "It's been… well, everywhere since it came out. We hope you'd like it and…" She picked up a smaller plastic bag of the biggest one and laid it on the bed next to Ryan. "Some clothes. But I think we'll have to leave you to yourself to check it out because Sandy, we promised your mum we'd be home for dinner about now."

"You go. I'll be there in a minute… Now. What would you think if I brought something when I come back? Something that tastes better than…" I shot to a cup of green jell-o on the bedside table that had been at the very same spot before I went to Chino. "…that?"

"Sounds alright." Ryan took one of his new CD's and put it in the player. "But you don't have to if you don't want to. It's not that bad I just… I just don't feel very hungry."

As if to show he didn't want to talk he put the headphones in the CD player and checked on the back of the CD case which songs were on the disk. I got the hint and couldn't help but smile before I left the room and drove back to our house. I knew my wife, and if I wasn't wrong (which I wasn't) I would most likely come home to at least a couple of bags of new things for me too. Even though I couldn't even have brought half of all the clothes I owned to Thailand and therefore still had loads left.

"We bought some for you too dad." Of course! When I came into the house and the kitchen Seth reached me a plastic bag from one store. "We hope you like it." I smiled forcedly, then stuck my hand down the bag and firstly pulled up a piece of clothing, dropped the bag with the rest on the floor in between my feet and then tried to take an actual look of what Seth and Kirsten brought back for me after their shopping tour and first pulled out a jacket. That looked unbelievably much like the one I had brought with me to Thailand.

"This is great." I held up the jacket in front of me, then pulled off the sweatshirt I was wearing and started pulling the jacket on.

"You're bleeding dad."

"What?" I stopped in the middle of the movement and looked to where Seth was looking on my scraped elbow. "That's nothing." I pulled the shirt closed and pulled the zipper up. "There? Perfect. It looks as good as exactly the same as the old one. Great."

"What happened?" Just as I had the time to get the jacket off for being inside mum grabbed my arm and started wiping the dried blood from my elbow. "For real, Sanford?"

"I tripped on some stairs." Well, I did. I could just leave the part out that I had also been pushed. "Oh. And I told Ryan I'd bring some food when I go back to the hospital so he'll have something except for all of that tasteless hospital junk- yuk!... Ow." I pulled my arm away when she hit a sore spot. "That's enough."

"Don't be a baby." Mum threw the tissue in my face. "I'll make something that you can take with you. But now it's dinnertime for you."

"You know." I could hear on my brother's voice that he was going to say something he didn't actually want to but felt he had to. "I'm not telling you not to do it Sandy, because I know you really care about the kid. But if you go there too much people might start wondering about why. And they might think it's weird and start you know… assuming things. And getting him these gifts, I know you mean well and everything. But I don't think it will look good if someone might think that you're doing this for your own good or to… hurt Ryan in some way."

"Lucien…"

I was on my way to protest, quickly going through what had happened the moment at the hospital after the wave until now. Then realized exact how much of that time I and Ryan had been by each other's' sides.

"Don't say that Lucien."

"No." I interrupted my sister. "Lucien's right. And I am going to have to know exactly how right sooner or later anyway. Most likely." I stood up and hesitated about what to do for a moment. "I have to… I just have to think for a moment."

I felt my shoulders slumping when I left the table and continued through the kitchen without looking back. With heavy steps I continued into mine and Kirsten's bedroom, closed the door behind me and then heavily sunk down onto my side of the bed and put my head in my hands.

Something in that water that had splashed heavily through the whole town of Khao Lak had taken something with it. Something more than all of those lives and bodies, something more than buildings, cars and things. And something out of me- it didn't feel like I had been able to think a single thought clearly since being sucked into that dirty, roaring water on boxing day morning.

"Sandy?"

I didn't look up, but I could hear someone coming to my room and then the door. And recognized mum's voice when she started talking. Even though I didn't look up or let her continue before I continued myself.

"It feels as if… It feels like I am walking on a thin line with cliffs to fall down off on either side." I didn't move my hands from where I held them towards my forehead. "Believe me mum…" I finally sat up and moved to the side so there would be place for mum to sit too. "…I met the kid's dad today. And if Ryan's mum or brother doesn't come back… this man isn't fit to caring for a child on his own unless he changes. And I will not be able to just sit around and watch if that means Ryan's at risk of getting hurt." I sighed deeply. "And I can't tell you why I just care so much for him all of a sudden. Maybe because at first, when he was described to me I thought it would be Seth but… I do care for him. Just as much as I had if he was too my own kid. And that ain't going to change."

I put my head back in my hands, I could sense mum moving and then felt her running her hand over my hair. As if that would do anything to help right now. But of course- she was a mother.

"After everything you went through together only since the moment you met and were back in Thailand it really isn't strange you care for him like you do San. And I know that you know that. You have both seen each other at the other's worst. And now when you've found Kirsten and Seth and is back home you wouldn't want to leave his side until he has too. Now that's only logic and I know you. So I know that's the way you're going to react to this. Even if someone had asked me two weeks ago I could have told them that this would be the way you were going to do this." I couldn't help but snort and smile. "But whatever happens now and however it does then remember we are all behind you, and if you want what's best for Ryan. Then we do too. Now come on. Come and eat and I'll make some ready so that kid can have something better to eat than that horrible hospital junk."

 **I'm not sure this is good. And a character I find quite hard to write is Sophie, since she's in the series so little after all. I hope it all makes sense anyway. Anyway, who would act like themselves after the kind of trauma they've all been through?**

 **Random fact**

The idea of that Sandy might get accused of something after coming to Ryan's help so much at first came from a comment from someone that'll probably be in the next chapter. And I wasn't so sure to use it because I don't want it to be inappropriate or something. But then I thought that with Sandy and Ryan spending so much time together when Sandy isn't Ryan's parent or guardian even now when they're back in California- someone would think it was weird sooner or later.


	12. The boys and the men

**Thanks to breather89 and Dixie f. 9 for reviewing.**

 **And especially BIG THANKS to Umbrella0326 for getting caught up and reviewing every chapter.**

When I returned to the hospital a couple of hours after leaving it the last time it was with a plastic bag with a plastic bowl and spoon. And upon that a sippy cup with apple juice. Mum's creation- it was the same as always.

"And they're pink." I told Ryan, as if he couldn't see for himself when I picked the things out of the bag, lifted the lid of the bowl and handed him the spoon before I rolled the bedside table closer to him. "Don't worry about it. It is exactly the same as she'd let me and my brother use when we were little. She still forces us to use it to this day actually. It's also the exact same food as she'd make for us when we were ill. Carrot soup with apple and ginger, and a sippy cup with apple juice. You can take that lid of the cup if you want to. It was always easier to eat when it was cold and one didn't have to chew it. Upon that the ginger will help if you're feeling nauseas."

"I'm not nauseas." But he just turned away his head and fingered with the chord to the headphones Seth and Kirsten had gotten for him. "I just don't really feel like eating. Thanks anyway though."

"Try to eat a little bit." When he wouldn't take it I laid the spoon on the table. "It will do well for you. I have to go and see someone else." I patted Ryan's shoulder a bit. "I'll be back in a little while."

Not to have to feel the pressure of me watching him eat I left the room and walked up the hallway again, then took the stairs and hurried down to the ground floor and through the hallways. I wasn't even so sure how I could remember every path. It just all went on automat until I walked up the hallway and saw who I was looking for being pushed out of the room in a wheelchair with her family coming after her.

"Going home I can see." Brittanie nodded and smiled slightly. I looked her up and down. For the first time since I met her she was wearing her own clothes in form of a Christmas shirt with Rudolph the red nosed reindeer instead of nurse's or patient gowns.

"Yes. And I keep telling my family members I can walk on my own. I don't need a wheelchair." The youngest in the family glared up on the rest. "Take care of yourself then I guess. How's Ryan?"

"Ryan…" I hesitated. "Well, Ryan… physically. He seems to be okay while… Well, I'm trying to do my best but…"

"Nothing on his mum or brother?" I shook my head. "It's not too late yet. I just heard from a friend an hour or two ago that she's hurt yet safe and will be fine. Anyway, it was nice meeting you. But I'm really homesick right now. Longing for my bed, pillow and my stupid stuffed gorilla."

"We should have thought of bringing Marilla the gorilla when we came here." Brittanie's dad said and stroke her hair. "But when we got that phone call and saw it on the news it just went so fast. She told us about you too… I just have to say thank you Mr. Cohen."

"Thank me? What did I do? I'm the one who should say thank you. Listen, I know you took a huge risk watching me and Ryan walk off like that. I was just a well- meaning stranger but I could have been anyone and you didn't know nothing about that." Brittanie just shrugged. "So thank you." Without any further hesitation I leaned down and hugged her. "Hold on… come here." I walked over to the reception desk. "Excuse me? Do you have a pen and paper…" I was given what I needed and quickly scribbled down my phone number. "Here. Keep in touch, okay? If you need anything… we're only like a billion miles away but…" She took the paper and put it in her bag. "Send me a text when you can… Now. Before I start crying or something." I turned and tried not to think about everything that wouldn't have been if Brittanie hadn't been at the exact right place at the exact right moment.

For me I didn't care much, but who knows where Ryan would have been.

"Sandy?"

"Yes?" I turned once again back to the young nurse when I could hear my name behind me. Then couldn't fail but notice the way she was biting her lip in hesitation. "What? Oh believe me, as a lawyer- and with my family. There is nothing you can say that will surprise me or should make you feel embarrassed."

"If…" She started, but hesitated again. Then drew a deep breath in and continued with a slight smirk. "If I call you up ten years from now, and introduce myself- Brittanie Jacobs. Will you remember who you're talking to?"

It took me a few moments to understand what she had said with the words that she had used. Then, just as I was about to answer she shook her head and continued herself.

"I just remembered I asked someone, an old teacher I think- ironically enough I can't remember her name. When I was like five, six. And I always kept wondering… I think I asked quite a few times but… I guess that isn't something you ask as you grow up. Sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."

"I think…" I interrupted. "…That as long as the tsunami, or Ryan, or Thailand or anything else that is now referring to what happened is still making an impact of my life. I wouldn't be able to forget you if I tried, Brittanie Jacobs. Now, if it was the other way around 'hello this is Sandy Cohen.' Would you remember? It is actually kind of interesting to know."

"I wouldn't be able to promise you anything." Brittanie's brother answered just as she was about to and smirked teasingly down at his youngest sister. "She's very forgetful sometimes."

I couldn't help but to give a short chuckle, Brittanie just rolled her eyes- sibling rivalry at its best! But her mum, who was pushing her wheelchair and them all seemed to sense the conversation was over while I backed away, then turned towards the stairs and they turned in the other direction towards the doors.

Then, just as I turned in the end of the hallways Brittanie turned in the chair herself. And just as she was still near enough for me to see she opened her mouth to mime something.

"I will."

She was so far away I could easily have gotten it wrong. But as we both turned around each corner and left the emergency room hallway. Whoever knew if we'd ever see each other again? Yet, while I walked back up the stairs towards the children's ward I felt several pounds lighter than I had been just a few short minutes ago.

I was on my way through the hallway when some nurses were pushing a rolling bed past me and then into the same room as Ryan was in. They were followed by a couple, the man with his arm around the woman's shoulders who was breaking down in tears. The boy on the bed was unconscious.

"Elena." Just as I came into the room again the nurses who'd been pushing the new boy's bed into the room left and I could tell there was a discussion going on in between the man and the woman who kept crying. "I know what you're thinking but you just have to see fact. Hector does need more help than what we can give him. And I think you know what we should do?"

"I'm not going to do it Kev." The woman, obviously named Elena answered with a shaking voice. The man gave her a stern look. I was trying not to listen or watch them but when I walked over to Ryan it was hard not to. And I saw the man giving the woman a stern glare. "I'm not."

The man- "Kev" gave a deep sigh, and only looking down on the boy he obviously wanted to say something more. But he bit his jaws hard together and no one in the room said anything. I didn't because Ryan was eating from the soup bowl when I came in, and he was still- I didn't want tto interrupt now he was finally eating something.

"What you have to see Elena is…"

"I AM NOT PUTTING MY SON IN A HOME KEVIN. AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY. I AM HIS MOTHER."

"It's not about that. What I mean is that Hector might need more help than what we can give him at this point."

A silence fell over the room. A silence that seemed awfully thick despite Elena's constant sobs and sniveling and Kevin sighing and stepping back and forth with a look on his face as if he didn't know if he should be angry or not. And then with what…

"Mr. And Mrs. Ebbett?" A nurse was suddenly in the room and called for the attention of the couple by us. "Can you come with me and talk to the doctor?" Mr. Ebbett stood up from his chair and laid an arm around his wife's shoulders, she seemed more hesitant about leaving her son alone for a moment. "It's okay. It will only be a moment."

"Can't he come in here?"

The nurse looked around the room, she seemed a bit insecure looking to me, then Ryan and Clark. Then she hesitated and chose her words well before she finally said something. And I could tell that what she said wasn't the answer she wanted to give.

"I think it would be for the best if you would come with me actually."

Mr. And Mrs. Ebbett looked to me, as if they were trusting me to keep this room calm and keep their boy safe. I just nodded back, and Mrs. Ebbett tenderly kissed her son's forehead before she walked away after the nurse and followed by Mr. Ebbett. I looked to young Mr. Ebbett for a moment, but he didn't move or show any intention of being alive at all (except for his chest raising and lowering under the blanket as he breathed) so I turned back to Ryan again.

"You liked that. Didn't you?" He had grabbed the plastic bowl and spoon and was scraping out every little drop. "You know a great thing about my mother?" Ryan kept on scraping the bowl but still shook his head slightly. "She is freaking amazing at cooking. Especially if she does it together with my sister. I and my brother and my wife…. Not so much. Therefore I and Kirsten live mostly on bagels and takeout food. Then when mum's here she makes a million of portions of everything she makes and puts it in the freezer so we'll have to heat up in the microwave after she's gone away again. So if you want to, and you liked that. I can bring some more of it tomorrow or some time."

 _Anything. Just as long as he'd eat._

"You can do that if you want." Ryan finally put the bowl and spoon down. "It was really good. Thank you, and tell your mum thank you too. And Kirsten and Seth for the things." He held up the Harry Potter book Seth had gotten. "This was really good. I can hardly put it down. I've read almost half of it already."

I couldn't help but smile, laughing at all had just seemed so far away after the wave. But I couldn't help to remember that Seth had read while both eating and watching TV until he had last until the last page in the order of the phoenix. And now could hardly wait for the sixth to come out.

I had laughed at it then at least…

"Are you tired of hospital food?" I suddenly noticed Clark was watching us but he just shrugged. Guess he had smelt the ginger in the soup. "I'll come back tomorrow. I can bring some for you too then if you want to. Do you like carrot and apple" He nodded. "And ginger?"

"Everybody likes ginger." Clark gave me a glare as if "everybody knows that" "But you don't have to. I just… well, like you said. One gets a bit sick and tired of that tasteless, dry hospital food."

"I'll bring some extra then. And then you can have it if you want it then. Have we got a deal?"

"Sounds like a deal." Clark shook his head slightly but I could also see a slight smirk. Then he frowned. Although he looks like he could need some soup. Or anything to eat for that matter." He nodded towards the new boy. "Hey, Hector? Are you awake? Can you hear me?" Hector didn't move an inch or show that he had heard at all. "Nope. Then I can talk… he is very skinny. He looks like a skeleton."

I hadn't seen it before, but at Clark's mention I did turn towards Hector, still unconscious. Clark was right. By the tips of his dark tresses in his face his cheekbones were clearly visible. Most of him was covered by a sheet but towards his stomach laid one of his hands and his sleeve had been rolled up- even behind the needle and all of that I could see the bony figure of his lower arm, wrist and hand. He couldn't have been more than twelve, maybe thirteen years old. But even in his sleep- he just looked so tired with sunken in cheeks and dark circles around his eyes.

"I wonder what happened to him." Clark questioned. "Some people ends up looking like that from different diseases or side effects from medicines. Others ends up looking like that from… dieting… ending up with eating dis…"

In the middle of Clark's word (it wasn't hard to guess what he was about to say though) Hector started moving and moaning. And that just as Mr. And Mrs. Ebbett came back into the room and his mum ran straight over to him.

"Hector?" She ran a hand over his forehead and down his hair. A mother's typical move to secretly feel for a temperature. "Sweetheart, can you hear me?" The boy moaned slightly, but didn't open his eyes. "You're in hospital sweetie… Do you remember what happened?"

"You should know something." Clark was suddenly over by Ryan's bed, walking but seeming stiff and weak. "Nothing can ever be kept secret in a hospital room like this. And I know you're trying not to listen to what they say or watch them. But believe me, I have tried. It's downright impossible." He sunk down on one of the chairs next to Ryan. "So, what happened to you actually? And who are you?" He asked me.

I and Ryan looked to each other hesitatingly. I didn't know what to say and it seemed Ryan didn't either. Of course we knew everything that had happened and why I was here. But what was we supposed to say, and where were we supposed to begin.

"It's quite a long story." I said at last. "But if you go through something together. Something hard or something very happy for that matter. Then the person that's been there through everything ends up meaning a lot to you. Even though you might not have known each other for long at all…" I hesitated for a moment. "Do you want to tell us why you're here? You don't have to of course, but if you want to…"

"So you're one of those who goes "I'll tell you if you tell me" sure. I have cystic fibrosis. I've had it all my life and will have it for the rest. I'll probably need a lung transplant at some point. By Christmas there's always some bug going around school and I always catch it and end up with a pneumonia or something. I've been at hospital every Christmas since I can remember. Now, it's your turn."

"Well those what you call stupid fruits has KEPT HIM ALIVE for the past few months. So if you've got nothing better to do then go off and buy some. A whole truckload if they've got." Hector moaned. "It's okay Tori. I'm here. I'll make sure everything gets better."

Neither I nor Ryan had had the time to answer before Mrs. Ebbett had raised her voice on the other side of the room. Loud enough to interrupt all of us and we all silent again. At least I, with no intention to start eavesdropping.

"Hey kid. Hector was it?" Clark seemed to get tired of only listening and waiting for an answer from us and left the chair by Ryan's bed. "I'm Clark Maguire and this is Ryan." Clark gestured behind him and then turned towards me. "And that's Sandy but I'm not so sure what he's doing here."

Clark looked quite weirdly to me, as if he still wasn't ready to trust. He then turned back to Hector and Mrs. Ebbett and I turned back to Ryan and collected the things I had brought with me to bring that soup.

"Don't let him pressure you into something you don't want to do or say." I patted Ryan's shoulder and stood up while Clark turned to Elena Ebbett. "Like he just said. This is something he's lived with all his life." I gestured towards him. "This is new and fresh." I stood up and took the things I had brought. "I'll bring some more of this tomorrow. I have to go home and sort some things out right now. But I'll be back tomorrow."

I hated lying to him. I wasn't going to do anything at home except for lay down on the couch and watch the news. Whatever they would say about the tsunami today that I didn't already know. But I just had to know more…

I didn't even know what they looked like. But maybe if I could catch a glimpse of Trey or Dawn Atwood. I could come back in the morning with those final news that Ryan was waiting so desperately for.

I half laid on the couch through the rest of the day. After everything that had happened there were news all the time on one channel or the other. And one face after the other of people being introduced and asked about who they were missing passed by.

And not once did someone by the name Atwood turn up on the screen. Despite having sat in that sofa until so late at night I had at last fallen asleep where I was instead of going to bed.

When I turned up at the hospital in the morning, I was stiff from sleeping on the couch. But in my hands was at least each bowl for the boys, and of course- each sippy cup with apple juice. How could I had forget?

And how could I forget the feeling that I had let Ryan down from not seeing his mum or brother on the news?

I was about to ask Ryan if he had heard anything. But the look on his face when I came into the room was enough, and I silently started handing out the bowls, spoons and cups between the boys. Who for the first time didn't seem to get on each other's nerves. Clark was concentrated on his Gameboy, and Ryan on his book.

"Hey Sandy." Clark hopefully looked up at me as I neared his bed and pulled a green plastic bowl out of my bag. "Phew. Thanks for not bringing me the pink one. Thanks…" I pulled up the sippy cup. "Well…" He grabbed the lid and pulled it off, then tried it. "Thanks. This is really good."

The boys kept eating and I pulled up my phone to try and learn where each button would lead me. The problem with all new phones. Then, just as they had finished their meal and I was starting to wonder if we should go outside something happened, the door flew open. And into the room came a man I recognized way too well.

"RYAN." He shouted. "HOW NICE TO SEE YOU AND… you." Mr. Atwood opened his jacket and pulled out a brown glass bottle from his inner pocket. "God it was hard to sneak this past all of those receptionists and nurses… Drink?" He handed one bottle to me but I just shook my head. "Ryan?" He shook his head too. "It's been a while since I last saw you son. I almost forgot you're so boring… Oh where, oh where, oh where did you go?" He then turned and glared to me while he bit in the cork of his bottle to get it off. "Do you know something I don't get?" Mr. Atwood stumbled a bit then leaned against the back support of my chair with one arm and the other arm heavily around my chest. "I don't get you. And I don't get why you're here. You said you… you met Ryan in Thailand… but why would Ryan be in Thailand…" Mr. Atwood turned to his son and slowly took a few sips from his glass bottle while watching me, then slowly turning to Ryan. "Are you trying to get away from me? You and Trey and D-D-Doe-Dawn. Why would you? Or did…" Mr. Atwood once again turned to me. "Did you bring him there? Did you know what was going to happen and that big Touché-mi- thing you were talking about?"

"Tsunami, you mean?"

"Yeah that. Touché-mi. That's what I said. But. Do you know what I think." Mr. Atwood looked weirdly at me. And I had a weird feeling that whatever he was going to say now would definitely not be in my favor. "I think you should leave. Like, who are you actually? I don't even know that. Does Ryan even know that? Or anyone? Are you like some weird sort of pedophile or something?"

I could feel Mr. Atwood's eyes on me as he walked around my chair. I was on my way to answer "no". But realized that that would be what someone did that crime would. And to Mr. Atwood, who didn't know me the answer wouldn't be as clear.

And it was then I realized that whatever I did now it wouldn't be enough.

I turned to Ryan, the room seemed silent as in the grave despite the regular sounds of the hospital with alarms, people walking. Someone crying and even the two other boys and Mrs. Ebbett had silent all turned to me while Ryan was trying to sit up and say something.

"No, no Ryan. No, lay down again son. Or am I going to have to make you…" Mr. Atwood hurried and stepped closer to his son. "I haven't met you in a while. So we're going to have to do some catching up and I… OH MY GOD. DID THEY CHOP YOUR LEG OFF?" Mr. Atwood blinked in confusion, then took the blanket and pulled it off Ryan's legs. "THEY CHOPPED YOUR LEG OFF AND… AND… AND…" Mr. Atwood turned to me and I stood up to be ready for what I knew was coming. "And if I see you near my son again I will call the police. Okay? IF YOU'RE NOT OUT OF HERE IN TEN SECONDS I WILL CALL THE POLICE"

I guess there would be no time to hesitate if Mr. Atwood was going to make that happen…

But now what would I be supposed to do?

"TEN."

Now, obviously Mr. Atwood wasn't joking. And I couldn't risk him making reality of his threat, the police wouldn't do anything good for me and especially not for Ryan.

"NINE"

Mr. Atwood kept counting and I turned to Ryan who just looked given up and started gathering the things he had gotten from Kirsten, Seth and I. The CD player with CD's and headphones, the clothes and the book, quickly and with a given up look on his face.

"EIGHT"

"No. No. No." Before he had gathered everything I held up a hand and spoke out loud for him to hear. "No. Keep the things." Ryan tried to reach me what he already held but I shook my head. "They're yours. Use them well."

"SEVEN."

I was more insecure than ever. If Mr. Atwood was actually about to call the police on me… damn it. If there was anything I didn't need right now!

"SIX"

I threw my hands in the air in surrender and started backing towards the door. Backing right into a nurse who, frowning had come into the room when she heard Mr. Atwood's shouting. Mr. Atwood himself only took another sip from his bottle and kept on shouting.

"FIVE."

Ryan now looked more given up than ever, but I could only imagine what he felt. It seemed like a lot when he turned to his dad for a second and then back to me as if he wanted to say something. I froze where I stood, maybe he actually would say something.

"FOUR."

No! Ryan was just as quiet as he was most of the time. And only looked towards me, towards Mr. Atwood, then back to me and nodded slightly. As if he wanted to show me all of this was okay with him.

"THREE."

I wasn't so sure how Ryan could be okay with all of this. Not so sure how he could just lay there, still holding onto some of the things that Seth and Kirsten had gotten for him. But changing in between looking up on me, to his dad and then down on the shirt, the CD player and the headphones he had in his hands as if he had seen nothing like them before.

"TWO."

"I'm going. I'm going." I was right at the door now, still searching every corner of my mind for any ideas about what to do now. Yet I could come up with nothing and in one last try, turned to Ryan. "Take care. Okay?"

"ONE."

Not until Mr. Atwood had finished his counting, I was out the door and it fell closed in front of me. There were windows in the door, so while Mr. Atwood took his bottle again I raised my hand in a slight wave and Ryan nodded back.

And then. After the T shirt with that stupid "I'm from California" print, sitting on the back of an old pickup truck going through Khao Lak as well as roaming the hospitals and hotels, anything to find anyone at all. The look on Ryan's face when both I and Cliff had found our family members safe and sound while he hadn't. Then his desperate shout for his mum before he just collapsed in my arms.

How I had grown to care for the boy in just the few days since we had first met.

Yet now, as Ryan only nodded slightly towards me before he started talking with his dad. I had such a strange feeling that we would never see each other again. And then, that was just the way it would have to be.

And with that, as my shoulders slumped in a heavy sigh I turned and walked away.

 **Random fact**

I love Clark saying that everybody likes ginger because I actually don't. I love sushi and it often comes with a bit of ginger and I always give it to my dad or mum or my friend or whoever I'm eating with. And they all love it. My dad's as good as obsessed with ginger. Eurgh!


	13. The cast list

**Well, hello guys. I'm sorry this isn't the kind of chapter that you expected when you saw I had updated but here's something. You know the page where I was putting up edits for my characters? Polyvore? That page has been taken down, yes. It was without a warning, no I do not know why and yes, it was the whole page and not just my account.**

 **Anyway, since that page is gone I decided to put a whole cast list up here for my characters and younger Seth and Ryan. So you, if you want to will be able to find what they look like even without the polyvore edits.**

 **Cast list**

Ryan Atwood- Carson Lueders

Seth Cohen- August Maturo

Lucien Cohen- Hugo Weaving  
Dorothy "Dora" Cohen- Susan Boyle

Brittanie Jacobs- Lili Reinhart  
Brandon Jacobs- Lucas Till  
Brooklyn Jacobs- Britt Robertson  
Beverley Jacobs- Naomi Watts  
Benedict Jacobs- Owen Wilson

Clifford "Cliff" Garver- Gary Oldman  
Julie Garver- Gillian Bevan  
Christina Bailey-Garver- Gemma Arterton  
Jonathan Bailey- Ben Barnes

Hathai Chamnansatol- Niana Guerrero  
Udom Chamnansatol- Ranz Kyle  
Kanya Chamnansatol- Tamlyn Tomita  
(Next time I give someone a name it will be one I can actually pronounce)

Clark Maguire- Mace Coronel

Hector Ebbett- Finn Wolfhard  
Elena Ebbett- Julianna Margulies  
Kevin Ebbett- Matthew Fox

Summer Roberts- Lindsey Lamer

Thomas "Tom" Jackson- Mikey Tua

 **Those from the series not mentioned here, Sandy, Kirsten, Sophie, Frank, Dawn etc. Are portrayed by the same in this one as in the series.**

 **More will be added if there are more coming into the story.**


	14. The controlling

**Thanks to Tif S, GleeJunkie007 and Dixie f. 9 for reviewing.**

I could never have stated that leaving Ryan in that hospital room with his dad was easy. And every little piece of my body and mind was screaming at me to go back. That there would have to be a way to explain everything to everyone instead of running away like this. That after we had gone through together it would be easy if we just got past the part with Mr. Atwood.

And there was this little, little part of me that told me all about how I should let the social services about Ryan's situation. But then what and how much did I know about it?

Sure Mr. Atwood was a drunk. But so were loads of people. And that didn't automatically make people bad parents. If Mr. Atwood had known his family was away maybe that was why he had been drinking- when the kids and wife was away.

And there was still hope, maybe in this very now someone at the hospital was running towards Ryan, Clark and Hector's room to go straight to Ryan and tell him that his mum and brother had been found sound and safe and were on their way to California in this very now. And with the other parts of his family than Frank. He would be safe and have the best life possible.

Wouldn't he?

"You don't even believe that yourself Sanford Cohen." I mumbled to myself as I turned up on my street. "There is something wrong in the Atwood's and it would take a downright blind person not too see it."

And I would hate to admit that I couldn't do something about Ryan and his safety and well-being now. And hate even more that if I wouldn't accept it and still try I might end up even worse than I was right now so everything I could do was to sit back and go on with my life.

"Are you back already?"

My mum, sister and brother all sat in the couch in the living room when I came over. I slumped down next to Dora and laid my arm over my eyes before I answered verbally.

I could so easily have made a joke- well, didn't mum see I was here?

"Yes."

"What happened?"

"Mr. Atwood happened."

"Ryan?" Dora asked in a questioning voice. "What could he have done?"

"Not Ryan Atwood. Frank Atwood, Ryan's dad." I sighed deeply and started explaining, "You do know I went to see him yesterday…. Now he came to see us and showed up at the hospital. The first thing he did coming there was pulling out a bottle he had hidden inside his jacket and offering one to me and then Ryan. Commenting on how hard it was to get those past the reception without anybody noticing."

"And then?" Dora asked, sneaky as always. "You said that was the first thing he did. But that only wouldn't have made you leave Ryan there. He must have done something more."

"Dora, please!"

Mum scolded, I took a pillow from the couch and laid it over my face with another sigh- maybe that would stop at least for a minute.

"It's fine Dor." I sat back up at last. "Well… what he did… He called a tsunami a touché-mi and for wanting to do… things with his son- Ryan. He was also wondering about why his family was in Thailand at the moment when it was and wondered if I might have caused it. He then said if I wasn't out of there in ten seconds he'd call the police. And that was when he accused me of being a pedophile."

Lucien had more or less seen something like this coming and we all knew it. Now when we were in the middle of it no one knew what to say. Or if there was anything to say at all.

"But you're not." Dora stated the obvious we all knew at last. "You just care for Ryan and want to take care of him until there's someone else to do it. And until when Mr. Atwood came along today there wasn't. And Ryan isn't old enough to take care of himself after everything. Mr. Atwood should at least have given you explain everything and who you are. Because nobody can accuse you and get you in trouble for something that you didn't even do. And I don't think Mr. Atwood sounds like a very good parent. And if Mrs. Atwood and Ryan's brother doesn't come back here… I don't think you should just let him be."

Sometimes my sister was just way too naïve. And for a moment I just wanted to shout at her and tell her that it wasn't so simple. That if I did anything and the police got involved I might get in trouble with them, with my job, with Seth and Kirsten. My whole life could change for something I had never done.

But of course, that wasn't Dora's fault. And getting angry would do no good. It would only make me feel bad in the end.

"I know Dora." I interrupted the silence at last. "And believe me, I have gone through every single little thing I could do for Ryan and I'd like to get in touch with the police and my colleagues. I have a feeling that Mr. Atwood has got enough on his plates to have a child taken away from him. But it's not about me. And what would it do to Ryan if I did. If his mum and brother doesn't come back and Frank is his only family? If the social services get caught in all of this? Will he be sent from one home or family to another for the next half decade? He's traumatized enough as it is after the wave and everything. And I don't think Ryan wants that and neither do I… but it's not about what I want."

I rubbed my face and eyes as if there was something right in front of me that I didn't want to see. But what to do when those pictures were on the insides of my eyelids?

What was there to say when everything had gone all quiet?

"I know that's not what you want to hear San. But Ryan is not your responsibility anymore. I know he was when you were back in Thailand without any idea what you were going or what you were doing. And I'm not telling you to let him go because I know it's not that simple. But Ryan Atwood is with his dad, on the hospital. And there are the people who are responsible for him now. And besides that, he is eleven years old. Almost twelve, he's not helpless and he's got a voice on his own. Even though, being under eighteen…"

"What good will that voice do if there's nobody around to listen to it?"

"HELLO." Before anyone had figured anything to say we heard the front door to the house open and Kirsten's voice sounded loud through the house. "Hello guys." Kirsten froze for a second when she saw me and froze. "I'm guessing trouble."

"Trouble." I confirmed. "Mr. Atwood came along. I don't think anyone of us will be seeing Ryan anymore. But I don't really feel like explaining it one more time." I glanced to the bags Kirsten and Seth had brought with them home. "What did you get?"

"We got this for Ryan." Seth held me a bag and I pulled up a stripy hoodie, two pairs of jeans, a pair of sneakers and a copy of the second Harry Potter book. "You said he liked the first book so I said we should get the second but then… If we won't be seeing him anymore. I don't know what we should do with those things really. They're not really my style. And I already have that book. What are we supposed to do with those things now? Can we go and give them to Ryan?"

"No." I shook my head. "I wish Ryan could have them but I don't think going there and giving them to here after everything would be a good idea. I'll take care of those for now and then… Then I guess we'll see what happens in the future. But… don't buy anything more for Ryan. Did you get anything for me?"

"Yep." Seth collected a big bag from all the things they had brought with them from town. "This is for you." He handed it to me. I took it and pulled up something from it without watching before I pulled up a red hoodie, almost identical to one I had had but brought with me and lost in Thailand. "Hey, this is great. I loved that shirt. You two are awesome when it comes to shopping. And I guess right now you can do all the shopping you want." I snorted jokingly. "Not that you didn't do that before though."

"What is this San? Did you bring all of your clothes with you when you went to Thailand?"

"As good as." I pulled up a pair of jeans they had also bought. "We were going to stay for a month so we wanted to have something to choose in between for all kinds of weather. Even though it's always sunny and warm there anyway we'd never know… Well, you get it."

"I wasn't going to bring Captain Oats with me." Seth said sadly. "But then when we were packing I ended up packing him anyway. I had him at the hotel room, but we were only on the second floor so when the wave came…"

 _It "washed" everything away._

"Maybe we could buy you a new one then…" Mum tried. "Maybe one that looks exactly like your old Captain Oats."

"It wouldn't be the same."

A memory flashed by of three year old Seth walking up to me, in the toy store when we were actually getting a gift for our two friends when they had their second daughter. How frightened I had felt when he suddenly wasn't by my side, where he had been only a minute ago. Then he was suddenly there, with that plastic horse in his hand that he had barely ever let go since then.

"He wasn't just a toy."

Seth and Captain Oats had been side by side and best friends for as long as Seth would be able to remember. And then, just like all of those lives on that dreadful day. In the matter of second, it was over.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore."

It was just that right now in silence. The silence was a million times thicker than what it ever had seemed before.

"But guys." Dora said suddenly and there was a happier and lighter tone in her voice. "I'm not sure what we should do. But tomorrow we should celebrate somehow. It'll be new year's eve."

"I don't really feel like doing any celebrating now."

Seth, who was as usual as excited as every eleven-year-old for any kind of parties, fireworks and good food now only sat with his head in his hand leaning heavily against the table and didn't seem up for anything at all.

"Not after everything that's happened no."

Kirsten wasn't any different.

"Maybe we should just stay in and watch the fireworks from the window." I tried. "Or rather- go to bed early and wake up in the new year."

"Do you know what you need?" Mum suddenly got up and stomped across the floor. "I know it's not so easy. After everything that's happened you cannot- none of us can just move on. But you- we all need a new start. And I know it's not that simple…" She was going through every cupboard and every drawer in the kitchen. "Don't you have a sheet of paper or a pen in this whole place?"

"Right there." I pointed to one of the drawers. "But what do you need it for anyway?"

"Well, we'll have to start somewhere. Tomorrow, before midnight we'll have a three-dish dinner. And there are six of us in here. That means two of us will be on starters, two on main course and two on deserts. And whether it will be by coincidence or fate…." Mum suddenly left the room for the hallway and came back with a hat that she laid upside down on the kitchen counter and ripped the paper sheet into six pieces. "Two of these have starters written on them, two main course, and two desserts. And what you pull out of this. Is what you will be making. Here Seth." Mum held the hat with the small paper notes in it to my son. "You pick first."

I wasn't so sure about this. But a part of me still wanted to keep still and go with it. Telling me that if I said anything I would end up only making a fool of myself in one way or another. Then before Seth unfolded the piece of paper he had pulled out of the hat and I even could control it I heard my own voice raising loud.

"I'm not so sure about this mum."

"Well then." Mum's voice sounded as stern as I was more used to, different from what she had since we came back from Thailand. "You're an adult person Sanford Cohen. If you want to give up on this, on Ryan and on everything then do so. Lie down and feel sorry for yourself for all I care. You're old enough to make your own decisions. But whatever decisions you make for yourself, the world will keep on going on and moving around you. I get- we all get that you and millions of others went through a trauma like no other with those waves. But you cannot just stop and feel sorry for yourself. Because if you do that now, then you are going to get stuck in it."

At last mum breathed in and I felt my cheeks burning red while everybody had silent and waited for something.

"Sorry." I said at last, after hours and hours of silence. "Sorry mum. You're right. I'm just being a grump."

"No Sandy." Mum sounded calmer this time around. "I am not going to claim I'm sorry because I'm not. I get that what has happened to you have been… terrible. For a lot of people. But like I did say, if you now go grumpy like you said it. Then you're going to get stuck with it. And even though it's only a small thing to do to make sure we have a nice new year's dinner or whatever else tiny things that we actually can do. Then those are the things that might keep you all awake from somewhere darker than you could ever imagine. And the reason I don't want you to end up there is because I care for you, all of you. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I understand what you're saying." I agreed. "And you're right. Every single word was right. There are few and small things we can do at this point but… if those are the only things then… that's what we'll do. What did you get on that piece of paper Seth?"

"I got dessert."

"That sounds good. The dessert is always the one that is the most fun to make. I hope I get to do it with you. Kirsten your turn." Mum shook the hat and held it in front of Kirsten. "Come on. Don't be nervous."

"I'm not nervous to pick a note." She mumbled and at last stuck her hand down the hat. "I just know that I'm a terrible cook and whatever I make will taste terrible." She picked a note and unfolded it. "Main course."

Without another word mum moved and held the hat towards me. I still didn't feel up to it, I would mostly have liked to lay down in bed, pulled the quilt over my head and felt sorry for myself for the rest of the day. But picking up a note from the hat I still knew Mrs. Sophie Cohen wouldn't let her ideas go unless everybody did their best to follow them.

"Main course." I read out loud and showed Kirsten the note I had picked. "That's it then. The two worst cooks in this house has got the hardest dish on their hands."

"It doesn't have to be the hardest." I pulled a deep sigh. "You've got about thirty books with different recipes." Mum opened the door to one of the kitchen cupboards were all of those books were hidden. "I'm sure you can find something."

"Those are failed attempts to be able to cook for my family." Kirsten mumbled and I laid my arm around her shoulders and kissed her head. "Believe me Sophie. Unless we all want to be food-poisoned."

"Someone can go and do shopping today. If we're using chicken or turkey then buy the kind that is already cooked and buy as new groceries as you can find. That will reduce all the risks of getting food poisoned. So then you're safe. Here, Dorothy. Your turn." Mum held Dora the hat, who first glared back at her for using her full name and then looked overly excited when she picked a small piece of paper out of the hat and unfolded it.

"Starters."

"That leaves one that says starters and one for desserts. You're either with Dora or with Seth Lucien." Mum held him the hat. "Besides, you also have all of your hair-dresser things with you. Right?"

"Of course. Well, the most used things at least. I always have them in my bag. You know that mum."

"Well. We all need a new starts, no matter what it takes. But we'll start with the small things so tomorrow, on New Year's Eve everybody in this room are getting each haircut. And you will think of what you will be doing to everybody. And they have no say in any of it. Not even me, but if you make me look like a mushroom like you did when you were sixteen…"

"I got desserts. I'm with Seth. And besides. That mushroom- look wasn't my fault."

"What? You did it because I wouldn't let you go to that party you wanted to go to? You wouldn't think I've forgotten about that would you?"

"I really wanted to go to that party." Lucien chuckled slightly. "I bet it's your fault that girl… ehrm… now I can't remember her name… Paula broke up with me after that."

"If I remember it right her name was Pauline and not Paula. So don't you even try it. Well then." Mum had finally spread all of the recipe books on the kitchen counter. "Only rule, you have to make something you haven't made before. What else could we do? New clothes. You two." Mum demanded Kirsten and Seth. "Go out and buy clothes again. Clothes that seem fit for a new year's night. Go now and don't come back until you have clothes for us all, including socks and shoes for me, Dora and Lucien. What else could we do? Well it's your job to make all of ours' hairdos then Lucy. When we got the clothes we should get some new hairdos too. Lucien, you've got your bag with you right? With the scissors and everything?"

"Yes of course." My little brother answered, reached out and took a tress of Dora's hair that he spun around his finger. "I wouldn't go anywhere without that bag."

"Well then. Only rule for that. There are no rules, Lucien does what he wants with your hair. All of ours' including mine. Then…" She grabbed a book with recipes. "For starters Dora. What do you think we should make?"

"Something we can put in the oven and then let it cook itself."

"Sounds good." I took a book with recipe and put it open in front of me and Kirsten where we sat down by the table. "That looks good…" I turned the page. "And that." I turned it a few times more. "And that."

"We can choose pretty much anything from this book. I can promise you none of it will be something I already have made before."

"I know that dear." I turned page one more time. "Oh, this looks good. Steak. And it's just what you want, put it in the oven and then leave it there. We should make those mushroom we saw in the beginning as well. Then we'll only have to put the potato and a sauce. Even we should be able to get that done."

I looked over the recipe to check what we would need. Then turned back to the mushroom to see what we would need for that.

"And no canned mushroom. Those are only rubber-ish and tasteless. If you're using mushroom then buy real, fresh ones."

"Of course mum."

"We've got a recipe." Lucien was first with Seth who had made up their mind what to be with their dish. "We've got chocolate pudding for dessert. It needs to be put in the fridge for a few hours before one can eat it so then we won't be as many in the kitchen at once." Mum passed them a piece of paper and a pen. "Shopping list? Yes, of course. Is there anything we have got and don't need to buy?"

"Before we went to Thailand we were trying to use up as much as possible of what we had at home so nothing would get bad on the month we were planning to be away. So everything we've got is what mum and Dora have brought since we came home."

"And that's not much." Dora said with a heavy sigh. "I can't think of anything we've bought that would make a good New Year's dinner."

"Who wants to go shopping?" Mum seemed to have made up her mind she was by the steering wheel. "Well, Kirsten and Seth were going to buy some clothes for everybody. But who wants to go grocery shopping for what we need for dinner tomorrow?" Nobody said a word- I didn't exactly feel like being around a load of people right now. "Lucien?"

"I've got a bunch of magazines with different hairstyles in my bag." Lucien finished what he was writing on the grocery shopping list and then pointed backwards towards the pool house. "I'll go and riffle through them and check if I can find some pictures of nice haircuts that will suit you guys."

"Well then. Dorothy and Sanford. You're on grocery shopping. I'll do some cleaning around the house while the rest of you are away." She looked around the kitchen counter where she had dropped all of the recipe books and I started noting what I and Kirsten needed for the Main course. "Lord knows that is needed. Does everybody know what they're doing?"

"Did you notice that when mum started talking about what we're doing?" Dora asked when mum couldn't hear us anymore when herself and I were in my car on our way to the store She was talking to us in the exact same way that she would when we would be doing those cleaning-and-tidying-days at home when we were little." Dora giggled slightly, but silent and sighed. Then turned the radio on- I wasn't much fun to talk to. "Oh. This is my favorite song." Dora turned the volume up to the song playing in a pause from all Christmas and New Year's songs. "I always sing along to it."

Without any further notice Dora started singing along. And if I hadn't been driving at the moment and had to keep my eyes of the road I would have liked to close my eyes, lean back and take a sigh in well-being. Like so many times before, Dora had started singing before she could talk and was the best singer I knew.

"You do know what it means with the white flag, do you?" Dora asked all of a sudden. In the middle of her singing she just stopped. I- unprepared for it barely heard what she was saying and couldn't even figure what she had asked. "San? You do know what a white flag means? Like in the song."

"What do you mean?"

"A white flag means that you surrender. That you give up."

"I doubt that it's always as simple as just giving up Dora."

"A white flag means giving up." Dora insisted. "But that's not you San. You don't show that white flag and give up. Not for the things that you care for. And you care for Ryan. I know that mum says what happens to him now isn't your responsibility now and he's not. She's right. He's not. And you're not supposed to feel bad or beat yourself up for something you did. But you're not just going to stop caring for Ryan. Not after everything you went through in Thailand."

Once again I just wanted to shout at her. Nothing was as simple as her naïve self tried to think it was. But instead of shouting I just gripped the steering wheel and put all my concentration at pulling over in front of the supermarket and parking.

"No talking about that in the store okay?" I made sure she knew. "It might get us… mostly me in trouble if people heard us. Then only assumed things that weren't real."

Dora nodded, I knew at least she followed instructions if she knew they were right. Although when we walked up to the store she walked up close to me and almost whispered something for me to hear.

Sometimes having a naïve sister wasn't so bad.

"I always believed in happy endings. Maybe even Ryan will get to have his too. Just as well as you."

 **Song- White flag- Dido**

 **I hate that I can no longer use polyvore to make edits with whatever clothes they buy. Neither for this story or for characters or anything else. It sucks.**

 **Random fact**

I have to admit the point where Sophie gives Sandy a lecture about that she just wants to do something so they won't get stuck self-pitying I enjoyed writing very much. It might have seemed a bit harsh considering it's still only a few days after the wave. But it was great fun to write at least.


	15. The New Year's Eve

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9, Tif S, Umbrella0326 and GleeJunkie007 for reviewing.**

 **Before the chapter starts I just have to go through some author's notes. As you know the page where I've been doing those edits- Polyvore has been taken down. Now, instead I have put up an Instagram account where I put up my fanfiction- related stuff. It can be pictures of celebrity look- alike's. Updates about what chapters I'm working on and much else. And if you're interested in following it and have got an Instagram you can find it under the name "Linneagbfanfiction"**

 **Second, I am so, so sorry for not updating in forever. This is happening to most of my stories right now. I currently have thirteen multi-chapter stories going on. Which I've noticed are a tad too many. Good news are, several of them are close to their endings. And while I'm concentrating on them for the moment when I've finished all of them I will have time to concentrate more on the stories left.**

 **These are the stories close to endings.**

 **-How far I'll go  
-The one where rawr means I love you in dinosaur  
-Unpretty hurts  
-Dancing in the rain  
-The little girl  
-Stranger defended **

**So those are priority one for writing right now. But then afterwards I might be able to update the left stories more as I won't have as many stories to concentrate on.**

 **There are pictures of the New Year's- outfits on that Instagram I mentioned.**

 **Now, The author's notes are done. Onto the chapter.**

Most of New Year's Eve 2004 was spent in silence. As silent as time could ever be spent along me and my wife and son. Including my two younger siblings and our mum- it shouldn't ever be this quiet.

Mum sorted out some grilled cheese sandwiches with turkey for lunch. All the while until dinner I and Kirsten would be nervous of whatever we would be able to screw up for it. I would be surprised if we could eat it at last and nobody got food poisoning.

Well, one could always hope.

It wasn't until after lunch things- things that was something else than doing dishes or just lying in bed, started happening. Already then Lucien and Seth started taking out glasses to make their dessert- some kind of chocolate pudding in them for a nice way for later and then put all of those glasses into the fridge.

"Done." Seth wiped his hands off after putting away the last glass and then high-fived with his uncle. "All done. Will you cut my hair now?" Lucien, with a thoughtful look on his eyes. One that I only saw when he was doing his job and running his fingers through Seth's thick curls. "Can you please start with my hair?"

"Actually. I've got some ideas for yours but I need to think about it… I'll go out into the pool house and set somethings up. Dora. You first. Come with me."

"Oh great. I haven't had my hair cut in ages."

I couldn't help but notice the way Lucien smiled and laid his arm around Dora's shoulders. There were only two years in between me and him, then two more in between him and Dora's ages. But when dad left us with mum and I had done anything to take his place. Dora and Lucien had grown closer and closer from when they were little. And I could never have helped to envy them a bit for that.

I couldn't help to think that it was too late to change anything around that. But maybe, if there was a time to change anything at all it was right now.

Shaking my head slightly I tried to drop those thoughts and turned to the kitchen. To, while Dora- who was going to help mum with the starters was out in the pool house. Finish everything we could to get ready, then the steak could only be put into the oven when it was time to make it.

During the next few hours mum's hair got a whole lot more curly then it had been earlier, my hair got a whole lot shorter, Kirsten had bangs. There really weren't any big changes in anybody's haircut. And I couldn't help but believe there would be something before Lucien was done for the day. He had a way with surprises.

And we finally saw what it was when Lucien had at last finished Seth's hair and came into the house again. Seth's hair was cut short and if I didn't know he had been with Lucien five minutes ago I might or might not have recognized him.

"Oh my dear God Lucien. What did you do to his hair?"

Seth had been looking happy and proud while pulling his hand through his hair when he came in. Now his smile faded while both of his parents stopped to stare and his arm dropped down towards his side while I was choosing what to say after the first comment at the first chock.

"You cut his hair." Kirsten said with her eyes looking about as big as mine, looking from Seth to Lucien. "You cut his hair. A lot!"

"I cut your hair too. And the others'"

"You cut Seth's hair short."

"I like this mum." Seth ran a hand through his now short brown tresses. "It won't get in my eyes and like this it will be easier to sort out while my arm and hand is still in a cast. And now that is a good thing. It has to be. Right?"

Lucien happily chuckled, ruffled in Seth's hair one last time and then passed us to go and leave his things in the beach house again. Meanwhile Seth walked up to Kirsten and I and we still had no idea about what to say.

"It does look good. Doesn't it?... Come on, it's hair. It will grow back even if it doesn't look good. I just wanted to try something new. Something that I wouldn't let anyone do except for Uncle Lucien. And that's what I told him. But then when he tied my hair back and cut a piece this long off al at once I just… it does look good. Please tell me it looks good?"

"It looks amazing." Kirsten hugged Seth while a small smile grew on his lips again. "It's just going to take some getting used to. Now come on, I think Sophie and Dora are making that soup so dinner so I think it's time to get all the clothes we bought yesterday."

"I hope we didn't forget anything. I'd hate it if someone would have to walk around on this dinner in only underwear."

I couldn't help to laugh at Seth. Speaking about what happened if someone didn't have clothes enough would be just something he would do and for me, as his dad nothing felt better than noticing that he was only being himself.

"I don't think we'll have to worry about that." I couldn't help but notice. "Unless you've forgotten pants for Lucy. If so we'll be blind before the WHOA" Lucien grabbed a pillow from the sofa and threw it towards me and I ducked and caught it in my hands. "…Are you sure you got something for him?" Kirsten shook her head and rolled her eyes. "What? We're brothers. We're supposed to act like this. It's what brothers are supposed to do."

Mum sighed, rolled her eyes and muttered something about all the worry she'd had with that when we were growing up. Lucien stuck his tongue out at me and I didn't have time to do the same to him before I started laughing.

Then suddenly I stopped laughing and could feel my smile fading. I just had such a strange feeling I shouldn't be laughing. Not after everything that had happened, how close I had been to losing what I loved the very most. Not after everyone who had lost their families and the thousands and thousands who were still searching.

"I always wished I'd had a brother." Seth said and broke through my thoughts interrupting them. "I think I'd like to have one and I think I'd make a good big brother too."

"I'm sorry you don't have any siblings Seth." Kirsten gave Seth a small bag from her big one. But none of us felt quite ready to give Seth the talk right at this moment. "It's not… quite that simple. But we'd really have wanted for you to have some. Now you go change. Here." Kirsten reached me another of her small bags with new clothes. "These are yours. I hope we got the correct sizes for everybody. We won't have time to go and change anything now."

"I'm sure it will all be fine." I kissed the top of her hair. "And you know I love you right. With or without more children."

"Ugh Sandy." Kirsten moaned slightly while she pulled out another small bag from the big one. "I think I've had enough drama to last me the rest of my life. I'm not saying I don't want another child but I'm saying I will definitely not be planning it. Now go change, all of you, Seth- your room, Sandy, our bathroom, Dora, the bathroom in the pool house…"

I raised an eyebrow at how she seemed to want everybody to go in each direction but did as I was told. She also blinked towards Seth who after all had been helping her shopping. The two obviously had something planned. And I couldn't help but wonder what when I got changed into black jeans, black button-up, rec V-neck sweater, red tie and red shoes with black soles.

"Well, at least they got all of my sizes right." I said to myself while I stood by the mirror fixing the tie. "This is nice. Well… Now I'm hungry…" I unlocked the door and continued through the bedroom and down the hallway towards the kitchen. "Wow Seth. With that silk glove it covers that ugly cast. What a great… oh wow. We're all dressed in red and black." I looked down on my own clothes and then on Lucien and Dora before back on Kirsten and Seth. "Mum. Go and get changed so we can start eating dinner some time."

One rarely would see my sister wear anything else than sweatpants and knitted sweaters. But I knew that from time to time she'd like to show off with something nicer. Even though she seemed shy at first like she did now in a black dress, red cardigan, black and red pearl bracelets, black flats and black hairclips with red roses.

"You all look great." Looking around on all the red and black I couldn't help to explain. "And food time. Couldn't get any better could it? What is this?"

"It's shrimp soup." Dora was putting up in bowls as she set the table. "And doesn't it just smell wonderfully. Once mum is here we'll start. But she's changing her clothes right now and no one's allowed to start before we're starting."

"Come on mum. We're hungry."

Dora shook her head at me. But it really did feel like forever before mum was back in black skirt and red shirt with lace sleeves, black flats and a big red necklace with matching earrings. Then of course made the same notice as I did with how we were all dressed in black and white. Kirsten and Seth high-fived and finally we could sit down around the table. Only to wait some more while everybody poured their drinks and then at last we took each spoon while Dora counted down for us all to be able to taste at the same time.

"Okay then… three, two, one…"

Just as she finished counting down we all took each spoon of the soup, at least I as much as possible and shoved it into my mouth. I was actually excited to do this. How close hadn't it been that I, Kirsten and Seth had experienced the last New Year's dinner we ever had. And the first, real big meal after it I was actually kind of excited and curious to try it. And besides, I loved seafood of all kinds.

It tasted…

"Salt." I said the first as I reached for my glass of water. As the others started coughing and agreeing with me. "Salt, salt, salt…." I poured the whole glass of water into my mouth. "My God…" I turned to mum and Dora still grimacing over the taste in my mouth. "How much salt did you put in this soup?"

"I didn't put that much." Dora pouted sadly. "I promise you I didn't."

"No, Dora. I put the salt in. I told you I did. That means it was salted twice."

"Actually three times." Lucien continued. "Dora, you told me to put salt into it. And I am absolutely sure you did."

"No I didn't. I told you I salted it. You must have heard me wrong."

Dora was sounding more and more annoyed by the second. And she wasn't just naïve like a small kid. She could also start silly and childish fights and discussions over the smallest things. Knowing that she might have done something wrong. Even if it was an honest, small mistake like this one.

"HEY." I shouted and held my hands up to stop Dora while she was on her way to continue. "It's okay Dor. It was just a mistake. I'm sure you and mum can try making it again before you go back home. But I don't think there's anything else to do with this soup then throwing it out."

"Maybe if we added water."

"It's not going to work with this one. But stuff like that just happens. And I will put some potatoes on boiling and make a sauce and then as soon as those are all finished we'll have steak and mushroom, with potatoes and sauce. Now that sounds good to me. What about you?"

I couldn't help but draw a relieved breath when turning from my sister who stayed silent and started to pick up all the plates I could reach from the table. Kirsten went to start on the potatoes and the sauce and I went to help her with that.

"Well, for once it wasn't something that you and I made that was completely screwed up."

"I think we'll have to wait and see about that until we've finished this meal. Long enough since we know that nobody's been ill from it." I couldn't help but chuckle. "You know that it's true."

"That's what makes it funny honey… Well, this will kind of finish itself if we just leave it like this. The others seem to have put on the TV so we only need to remember to get back in here in twenty minutes or so." I wiped my hands and then made my way into the living room. "Vampire movie on New Year's Eve?" I slumped down on the sofa. "Well, why not?"

Remembering to get back into the kitchen as the food was finishing off was easier said than done. And an hour after I had said twenty minutes and loads of laughing at the vampire comedy showing we were about to be reminded of exactly how easy it was to forget.

"Do you smell something burning Sandy?"

For a second after Kirsten's question I sniffed in the air and couldn't for a second understand why yes it did. Then first I remembered the food we had put in the oven and didn't let wait for it for another moment.

"Oh my God the steak."

I more or less flew up from the sofa and with Kirsten right after me ran into the kitchen, around the island and opened the oven to have a cloud of smoke coming right up into the face of the both of us.

"Well." I grabbed oven mittens and lifted the steak upon the stove. "You can't complain that it's too raw. And we still have potatoes and sauce don't we. I know especially Dora loves potato and sauce… wait… what's up?"

"I think we over-cooked the potatoes a bit." Kirsten poured them out into the compost bin. "They are stone hard."

"Oh damn. Well…" I took a spoon from the drawer and tasted it. "We do have sauce. It tastes good. Maybe we could eat that instead of that soup."

Kirsten only glared back at me while everybody else started gathering in the kitchen as well. Then sat down on their places by the table before we told them there were going to be no steak.

"This is absolutely ruined." I said to the lot and slumped down in my chair. "It's burned all the way through it. What do we do now?"

t started without a noise, seeing her moving in the corner of my eye I turned to look at Dora who sat looking down but with her shoulders bumping up and down.

"It's not funny Dorothy." Lucien tried, but I could hear the suppressed laughter in his voice. "Seriously Dor. It's not funny."

Her brother's comment only had Dora snort with laughter as she broke down completely. And right next to her Lucien seem to have a hard time not to. Just like Seth on her other side. And Seth was also next to break down, half a second later it was Lucien and mum was also trying to cover she was too.

There weren't many seconds until all six of us were laughing so hard we had tears rolling down our cheeks. That wonderful kind of laughing that makes everything that's hard run off for a moment while your stomach is cramping hurtfully. Only making it funnier and not feeling like it ever is going to end.

"Now, do you believe us?" I panted to mum when I could talk again. "I and Kirsten are terrible cooks. Do you believe us now? We couldn't even boil potato without screwing it up." All of us broke down again and six different echoes of laughter rang through our house.

"Oh well." I panted at last and wiped the tears from laughter. "No starters and no main course. Now what are we supposed to do?" There were no answers. "There has to be some pizza restaurant who still has takeout even today." I stood up and got a bunch of menus and the phone from the kitchen. "Now, what is best to have on pizza?"

"I want chocolate pudding."

"Well, this meal is screwed up anyway. So why don't we start with the dessert." Seth took out a tray with three high glasses with chocolate pudding out of the fridge and Lucien took each glass and handed them out. Then Seth gave us each small spoon and was the first one to start eating. "Wow. Looking fancy." I took a spoonful. "Mhm. Now this is how food should taste."

"Sure is…" Lucien agreed. "But what is best on pizza actually? I like chicken and olives."

"MEAT." Seth shouted with his mouth full of chocolate pudding. "As much as possible."

"Shush Seth." I said only half-jokingly while glancing towards my mum. "You know that we don't eat pork here. You've got to know that by now." Mum rolled her eyes with a sigh. "What? We don't. I promise."

"Seriously Sanford? Do you think that you remember to pick out everything when you're running around trying to pack anything I won't agree with the minute before I come here? You usually forget quite a few things? Like bacon or sausage. But you're an adult. I can't decide what you can or cannot eat anymore. Just like I can't decide over Lucy or Dora."

"I eat pork." Lucien confessed. "Sometimes."

"I don't. I'm with mum. But I'm not going to stop you others from doing it. Mum's right. You have to do what you think is right."

And as we all dug into our cups with spoonful after spoonful of chocolate pudding. Well, between the six of us it would never be all quiet for long anyway. I might as well continue on what we had just talked about.

"Well the good thing is then I won't have to run around the house trying to hide it all the minute before you come here anymore."

"And yes, I know that in high school you and Lucien would sneak out after school and have dinner with your friends with pork or sausage or whatever you ate. And I know that when you were angry with me from when you were like five you ran to the restaurant around the corner and bought a hotdog. I can tell you that, your sister isn't a very good secret keeper."

"OI"

Dora didn't exactly like hearing about her flaws. And with her often childish and naïve ways she reacted stronger than others. She pouted at mum and I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd started shouting but mum only looked back at her with a meaning raised eyebrow. And Dora crossed her arms over her chest and slumped backwards towards the back support.

"Well then. If nana's okay with everything I want a meat-lover's pizza."

"Meat-Lover for Seth. Make that a big one. I want that too."

"Make that big one two big ones." My brother shouted almost at the top of his lungs as if he was afraid nobody would listen to him if he spoke to quietly. "I want it too."

"I thought you said you liked chicken best. I do that too."

Well, anyway. Soon the pizza guy had arrived with a big pile of pizza cartons and at last we got our dinner. And when Seth said this was better than soup or steak then none of us could do other than agree whether we really thought so or not.

"These are the times we'll remember ten or fifty years from now." I held up my glass halfway through the meal. "Let's make a toast. For the moments we'll remember and for spending our time together. Forever through it at all. Just us."

"Shut up now Sandy and let me drink my beer."

"For us. Just for us."

"FOR US."

Everybody around me raised their glasses and copied. Then there was a whole lot of quiet as everybody were drinking. My brother first finishing his glass in one sweep and then reaching for a new bottle.

"Why isn't Hailey or grandpa here though? Shouldn't they?"

I froze in my movements as I was lifting another piece of pizza and turned to Kirsten. We had been so busy being with my family who had come here from The Bronx, Hailey and Cal had barely passed my mind.

"They aren't right now." Kirsten said, I knew she was trying not to show it but I did see the disappointment as she was reminded of them. "They aren't right now. We'll have all time in the world to spend time with then when you leave to go back to New York." Seth had a thoughtful look on his face. But then shrugged and kept eating.

"Well, I'm here and I like pizza. Can you send me another piece Lucien?"

 _"I bet my dad would have found a way to destroy this mood too."_

Looking around the table it looked like I was the only one who had heard Kirsten's words. I couldn't help but to lift the hand that wasn't holding onto a piece of pizza and stroke her back tenderly but only during a second or two.

"Shut up Sandy. You know I'm right."

"Your father might have changed after everything that's happened. You don't know that."

"And everything he would have done was to talk about… that. I like it better now when we're only talking about…. Actually quite meaningless stuff for now. Although. Maybe those meaningless things are those who mean the most." She reached for another piece of pizza. "This meat pizza is actually pretty good."

I shook my head slightly. But saw the need to let the conversation about Caleb Nichol go and looked to Dora who kept on reaching up and making sure the hair clips were still where Lucien had helped her put them on.

"It's okay Dora." I reassured her. "They are exactly where they were the last time you felt ten seconds ago. I'll tell you if I can see they have moved and you know Lucien can perfectly well help you put them back."

Dora gave a nervous smile and lowered her hand from her hair. But at least she let the hair clips be for a while. At least until we all laid on the sun chairs by our pool watching people gathered down on the beach with their drinks and also their firework. And for the moment, stuffed with pizza none of us felt like moving.

Five minutes before midnight and the New Year I got up from the sun chair and looked around. Kirsten and Seth had both fallen asleep on theirs, Seth curled up with his mother's arms around us. Lucien and Dora had fallen asleep too side by side. Mum still only sat right up and down in hers and looked down towards the beach where things were almost setting off.

"What are you thinking about San?" I flinched when suddenly mum was right next to me. "…The ones here. Or another certain boy- about the same age as our Seth?"

I gave her a meaning look. Being here with my own family I couldn't help but wonder if there were any celebrations back at the hospital. What was up with Ryan? Had he stayed up for midnight? Had Frank stayed with him or gone home and get some more to drink? Was Clark annoying Ryan as usual or maybe they had made friends at last. What was up with that new boy? Had he woken up? His parents stopped fighting? Could they make friends all of them now they had to share a room twenty four/ seven?

"They're going to be okay aren't they?" I asked, more to myself than to mum watching Kirsten and Seth sleeping all through the fireworks as the clock reached midnight. "This too is going to pass and they are going to be okay. Right?"

"Right! And so will you Sanford Cohen." Mum laid her arm around my back in a side hug and I leaned my head against the side and towards hers. "If there was one thing I learnt in all of those years as a social worker it was that life does have a strange way with going on even when we don't expect it to. And it will for you too."

I sighed deeply. For the ten thousandth time during the past few days. I wanted to say out loud it didn't feel like it would right now but mum had already used my words.

"There's only one thing I do know right now…" She continued. "…And that is that what will be will be. We'll have to deal with it when it comes. And then I just have a feeling that you and Ryan aren't quite finished with each other just yet."

 **Random fact**

Seth tells Sandy and Kirsten that he'd never let anyone except for Uncle Lucien cut his hair and make such a big change. That's pretty much the same as I said about seven years ago, when a guy we knew- whom I know cuts hair for like actors and other celebrities. Wanted to cut my hair. My hair was really long then and had been for a long time. He wanted to cut my hair because he thought it was nice and would be fun to do some changes- and he wanted to cut bangs and then some. And I literally said I wouldn't let any other hair dresser than him doing that. So that's where that line came from.

 **Those who review will get a shoutout**


	16. The hospital room

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9 for reviewing.**

 **Dixie f. 9's review about Ryan and where he would be for New Year's gave me an idea for a short chapter. This is told from Ryan's point of view- like the first chapter.**

Clark was always coughing in his sleep- every single night. All the freaking time.

Hector hadn't said much or made much noise since he arrived. His parents made the more when fighting until his dad just stormed out of the room only to come back half an hour later with a bag from the local store. Their son spent most of his time sleeping, even when he wasn't he seemed exhausted. He had gotten an IV as he refused to eat, and had a mountain of peaches, apricots, apples, pears and oranges lying on his bedside table from the bag his dad had brought.

Hector's mum hadn't moved much, there had been put a tent bed in between mine and Hector's beds and I had heard her talking to the nurses about that she could stay for now at least. She only left an hour or two every day, and during those times Mr. Ebbett came around instead- Hector was never left alone.

And then there was me.

I hadn't slept much since I woke up after they had chopped my leg off. What was left of it was in great pain no matter how much painkillers they gave me, I would close my eyes to try and sleep but right away I would be in the water again and my eyelids flew open. And then of course, twenty four, seven I was wondering what might have happened to mum and Trey.

Clark had started bugging me for that every time someone came into the room I looked up and hoped to hear some news. But then of course- he was of the annoying kind. And he didn't know anything about what had happened to me anyway.

Of course Clark didn't know I had spent every day of my life with dad being drunk and abusive. On top of that mum was almost always drunk and both of them and my brother would take every chance they got to remind me that he was the better son.

I never knew why- but if he was. Then why did I have to get out of Thailand and back to California and not him?

I wouldn't have minded if it was. Where was I supposed to go anyway? If we didn't hear anything new from mum or Trey then there was only dad. And I, mum and Trey had gone from Chino for the reason only to get away from him.

There was only one person that had ever seemed to care for me, even though he had only been there a few days. Was Sandy Cohen.

It hadn't been many minutes after he forced Sandy to go my dad left himself. Of course he spent those thirty seven minutes afterwards babbling and going on and on about how he didn't know who Sandy was. How he thought Sandy was a pedophile or a murderer or just some strange guy who had waited for a catastrophe to happen to find a kid for whatever.

Then, thirty seven minutes dad had greeted a nurse who came through the door to give Clark his medicines. And dad, with a glass bottle still inn his hand and one more in his pocket was thrown out head first. I hadn't seen him since then.

And I wouldn't mind if I never did honestly.

I was pretty frozen where I laid, I wouldn't learn for yet a bit how to move properly with more than half my leg having been- like my dad expressed it "chopped off" But when I could hear Mrs. Ebbett move on the bed next to me I couldn't help but turn my head and look down on her.

"Sorry." She noticed me turning to her. "Did I wake you up?" I shook my head, she sat up and reached for her son's hand with her back turned towards me. I turned my head again and looked to the big clock on the wall. I could hardly see it in the dark, and just barely could tell there were only a few minutes left until midnight.

The rest of 2004 I laid frozen and watched the seconds tic by on the clock.

"I'm sorry we've barely seen you this year Hector." Mrs. Ebbett must have thought I was asleep as well as Clark and her son. Because she started talking to him quietly. But still loud enough for me to hear clearly. "And I'll do anything to help you make this one better. I know it's hard for you but…" I could hear her sniveling and her voice shaking. "I knew something was wrong, you have to believe me. I knew. But then there was on the news all about the wave and everybody seemed to forget everything else. I just couldn't help but think about all the poor people stuck there. The ones who died and somewhere in all of that I forgot about you. It was only for a day or two but that was enough."

It wasn't hard to figure what wave she talked about mentioning how it had been on the news and people had died. And then once again it was like I felt water coming welling up towards me and over me until I could hardly breathe.

"The last thing I do every year is to wonder about where I want to be in a year from now. On the last day of next year. It's been different things- be a professional horse rider, being famous, being rich. But now there's only one thing I want for next year and one thing only."

I felt myself gripping hard in the metal railing by my side on the bed. Quietly not to wake anyone up or disturb Mrs. Ebbett. And feeling the cold metal towards my palm I stayed in reality, not letting dirty salt water pull me into the flashback. While I also tried to listen closely to every word Mrs. Ebbett said as another try to keep me in reality.

"For next year I just want for you to get better. Okay? That's the only thing that matters to me. And I promise you that whatever happens next I will be there to help you."

I wouldn't have had to count down the seconds to midnight. While Mrs. Ebbett broke down in almost silent sobs I heard about a billion fireworks going on from the blocks close to the hospital.

And suddenly I wondered where I would be in a year.

For now, after everything that had happened. After how close I had been to become one of those growing numbers of everybody confirmed dead after the waves. I could only think of one single thing I wanted to be through the year of 2005.

 _Alive_

 **Random fact**

What Elena spoke and Ryan thought at the end were references to a few, short lines from episode three of O. C. "The gamble." Ryan says he used to want to be an architect. Kirsten asks what he wants to be now. Ryan answers he wants to be seventeen and Kirsten answered so does she.


	17. The long way back

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9 for reviewing.**

 **Did you see the news about that tsunami in Indonesia recently? Oh my. If there is one thing that scares me more than anything else it is nature's powers. Still I'm quite safe here in Sweden. But the scariest thing is no one ever knows when or where it's going to occur next. Anyway, R. I. P. Thoughts and prayers go out to anyone who has been affected.**

 **Anyway, to the story. I'm sorry it's been a while since I last updated. But do you know what? I have finished one of those stories I talked about… And started a story for Epilepsy awareness but that's only a two-shot so it doesn't really count (and the second part will be up for that December the first) So soon, soon I'm going to have some more time for all of the stories left.**

 **Guys, guys, guys. I finished yet another story. I finished the one called stranger defended. Which is a story that I didn't like and it was so slow to write yet I wanted to finish it. So that is one more story down.**

 **I actually didn't know where Sandy came from when I planned for Brittanie's family and all of that. Then I looked up what he is saying about it at the beginning and then where The Bronx is and well… It seems it is in New York… I can make this work somehow. I can.**

"I mean… I know you have to go back home to New York. And New York is actually a whole lot cooler than Orange County. But it's still going to feel weird when I come home from school and you guys aren't going to be here waiting for me."

The time had gone into the second full week of 2005. It was Monday, January the tenth and we'd know that everyone who Seth went to school with went back after the Christmas holidays today. After some talking back and forth we had too decided that maybe Seth could go back too- and that after he said about a thousand times that he wanted to.

Also, my mum, brother and sister were going to go back to New York to get back to their jobs and normal lives.

It was strange how time just went on, wasn't it?

"You know, since we were going to be in Thailand for so long we took time off. I and mum won't be going back to work for another two weeks and you don't have to go back until then. And then…" I knew he could do it himself despite the cast around his arm and hand- but still pulled Seth's jacket's zipper up for him. "…If you don't feel ready we can come up with something then. Because if you don't feel good about going there you shouldn't. Okay?"

"It feels good and I want to go."

Seth turned to the mirror and with some help from his uncle put his short- cut hair in exactly the right position before he gave his uncle, aunt and grandmother each last hug before out the door they went for the cab we had called for them to take them to the airport and then back to the Bronx.

"And now it's only us again." I turned to my wife and son. Kirsten would drive Seth to school today and go in and talk to his teachers, she would also go into town and do some shopping. I had time off still, but had decided to go to the office and- so to speak, show them I was alive at least. "See you later."

I went to slump down in the couch, for ages the only times I had been left alone was behind the wheel so when I felt myself only relaxing back towards the cushions it felt like a thousand years since I had last breathed out like I did.

But then, what was I supposed to say when I went by the office. Had they even been knowing I was in the places hit hardest by the tsunami? Had they known I was there? It could be quite awkward if someone had already went there and told them we were there but we were safe.

 _Hey, I just wanted to let you know I'm alive._

 _We were in the wave in Khao Lak but I, Kirsten and Seth will all be okay._

 _Physically that is._

 _Mental scars are a whole other thing._

 _I can't go outside and only watch the ocean as I did before without sensing panic roaring up inside of me._

 _I can't have a shower without being in that dirty water again._

 _There were corpses and hurt people all around._

 _I dream several times a night._

 _We're very lucky to be alive._

I shook my head and rubbed my forehead with both hands. Whatever I came up with I'd probably ended up saying something else when I was there and questions asked. No matter what they asked, even though I'd have to tell some of what had happened I wouldn't want to put my emotional scars and worries, still wide open. On all of them.

I waited until it would be time for the forenoon break, then slowly drove to the office and sat in my car for at least ten minutes before I finally stepped out and walked up the driveway, into the office and towards the lunch room where most of my nearest colleagues should be just about now.

I tried to make myself ready, I would know there would be some kind of reaction that would be more than just another greeting. Still, when I came around the corner to the lunch room I must have waited for someone to shout.

"Oh my Gosh… GUYS."

Well great! Jason Spitz was the biggest drama queen of the whole place!

I wasn't very surprised when, while the others had barely had the chance to find what was going on and that somebody they all knew had come along Jason was on his feet and nearby, throwing his arms around me.

"I'm so happy you're safe."

Jason took a few steps back, leaving room for the next colleague who wanted to hug me and say about the same thing, and then another one, and another one. Who knew a bunch of lawyers could be such huggers?

"Come on now guys. Let him breathe…" Jason said when I had shared about a hundred hugs. "Sandy… what… when… where…. I… do you want some coffee? Come sit down… Do you… I… Ehrm… Maybe I should just let you speak for yourself?"

"Yes." I sat down in my favorite chair by the lunch table. "And no. I had coffee back at home… three actually so I don't need any more and then…" Jason and the others were sitting back down all looking towards me. And then me looking towards the opened daily newspaper that laid opened on the table with pictures and headlines still from Asia with pictures of destruction and missing people.

"Sorry." My college Laura Hope saw me looking at it, folded it up and hid it between her side and the arm support of the couch. "I didn't… well… We were talking about you just a minute ago… how are you after… after what happened?"

"…I'm okay." I managed to get out after some hesitating for the right words. "…We were on our way to the beach when we saw that water coming and got stuck in the middle of it. I, Kirsten and Seth lost each other but we were reunited the next day. Kirsten was beaten black and blue and Seth's got a few broken bones but we're all going to be okay."

Like it would so many times a day the happenings flashed by for my inner vision, leaving the hotel, that wall of water coming. Then water, water, water. Ryan and Brittanie and searching and then back home… Right now it made me feel quite faint and I felt Laura's pat on my arm when I leaned my elbow against the arm support of my chair, closed my eyes and wrapped my fingers in my hair supporting my head up.

"We were back here a couple of days later. I'm sorry I never called but there's been a million different things spinning in our minds since we came back."

For a moment I was thinking about telling the people about Ryan and that I needed help about him. Then I decided against it. I wasn't so sure that getting the law and the social services involved would be the right move in this…

"Now I guess… I'll take some more time off but I thought I'd come here and show you I'm alive at least…" I smirked to make it seem like a joke. "…And I guess things are kind of going back to normal. Seth is back in school and…"

As on a given signal my phone's loud, annoying beeping went through the room and I quickly pulled it up from my pocket. I didn't mind checking who it was calling before I picked it up and held the phone to my ear.

"Sandy Cohen?"

"Hello Mr. Cohen, this is the Principal Lewis Middleton from Crossroads Junior High." I sat up straight and was ready to stand up. "There's been a problem here. And I think it would be for the best for everyone if you come and pick up your son."

"Yes, yes." I quickly stood up and was on my way away from the lunch table but for some reason froze for a second. "Hey Laura, can I have that newspaper." I held out my hand and without any words she put it straight in my open hand. "Thank you."

"I've got Seth here in my office for the moment being and I think I'll keep him in here until you arrive. But I'll ask another student to come and meet you up by the main entrance to show you the way. Now please drive carefully, rather safe than sorry."

Just as well could he have been talking to the wind. I hit the gas pedal hard and skid out of the parking lot while I put the phone down and threw the magazine into the back seat barely noticing anything.

Anything except that my son was only a few blocks away in need of my help, and I could feel my heart beating hard all the way up into my ears when I ignored red lights and crossroads on my way on the few blocks in between my office and Seth's school. And then- thank God the children were inside at no risk of getting hit. Skid- stopped in front of the main entrance of the school where I ran up the stairs and straight into a hallway where I found a dark- haired girl about Seth's age that seemed to be searching for something or someone.

I was about to go over to her, insecure at first. But she had figured who I was before I had the time.

"Are you Mr. Cohen?"

"Yes." I said, trying for my voice not to sound so stressed and shaky. "Do you know where Seth is?"

"Yes… I'm Summer Roberts and you can follow me. He's in Principal Middleton's office. There was a fight in between Cohen and another boy…"

I couldn't help it. Summer's voice just drifted away from my mind while I followed her through the crowded hallway, up two sets of stairs and then at last into a waiting room with notes on the doors reading who sat in there, the school nurse on one. And on the other…

"Here it is." Summer pointed and then sat down on one of the chairs in the waiting room. "I suppose you can knock on the door and go inside by yourself."

I nodded, didn't even hear the snorting tone in Summer's voice when I just turned, knocked and heard a man's voice going "come in" from the other side.

Inside the room the principal sat by one desk, there were filled up bookshelves along all the walls and two big windows where one could see the whole school yard. Two wooden chairs on the opposite side of the desk from Principal Middleton, and by the wall- on the one side that wasn't covered by bookshelves, windows or a door. Sat my son in an arm chair that was so big it made him look so heartbreakingly tiny.

The way he looked to his feet with his shoulders pulled up, tense and possibly ashamed of something didn't make that impression better. And while I probably should have greeted and met the principal. My son was more important and I hurried right over, my only wishes granted when Seth looked up at me without me having to ask him to do it.

"Did you know the Cooper's were in Thailand for Christmas too?"

Seth's question threw me off, for another few seconds I didn't understand what he meant, and then. While I remembered and realized what that must mean I felt a cold hand grip around my throat so I could hardly breathe.

"No… I didn't know that."

"Mr. And Mrs. Cooper are fine…" That imagined hand holding my throat only held harder and harder when I watched Seth wipe tears from his cheeks with his sleeve. "….And Kaitlin too but Marissa… Marissa…"

Seth couldn't finish the sentence, his bottom lip was trembling and tears were rising in his eyes when I realized what must be going on. I didn't know what to say, instead I just wrapped my arms around him and felt him lean heavily against my shoulder while I could barely even take in what had happened.

Jimmy had been my best friend for ages, so had Julie been Kirsten's. It was just that we had all had so much to do for months. Even though we lived right next to each other we had barely talked for weeks more than a "hello" if we met in the driveway taking the newspaper in the morning or throwing away the trash.

It had just never been mentioned that they were going to Thailand at the same time as us.

"Here." I could see the principal's movements in the corner of my eye and moved back, gently pushing Seth away from me. "I think it's best if we go ho… what…" I cupped my hand around his chin and turned his head slightly. Seth had been bruised and scraped before, just like his mother. But there was a big scrape on his whole cheek towards his ear that I hadn't seen before.

"What happened here?"

"Of course…" Without anyone of us waiting for an answer from Seth we turned to Principal Middleton when he started talking, slowly and even him with a broken tone in his voice. I could tell he knew he wasn't giving Seth a chance to explain. "The whole school are very affected by everything that's going on. Miss Cooper was a very popular student and many of the kids- like your Seth. Didn't know she wasn't coming back until when we came here this morning. I think…" He made a pause where he stood and it sent shivers down my spine. "…I think we'll hold up a few weeks. Wait a bit, give everyone whatever support they might need, get used to reality. Talk and listen. And I don't think this is the time to punish anyone for showing their feelings…" He looked back towards Seth. "…You and your family can of course come to me, or the school nurse or any adult in this place if you need anything. But I think it would be for the best, for all of us if you stay home for another couple of weeks or so."

I nodded and couldn't help but wish we had seen the Seth I saw right now this morning. That I couldn't have seen he was traumatized and hurt and needed more time to heal both mentally and physically before anything.

"Let us know if you need any help." Principal Middleton stroke Seth's shoulders and then turned his vision up towards me. "And that goes for their families too."

"Yes of course."

Principal Middleton gave a slight wave and turned behind his desk towards some papers, I laid a hand on Seth's shoulders and while he still looked down and away from me and the rest of the world we walked out of the office into the waiting room.

From only a few minutes ago, I couldn't remember anything that Summer Roberts had said until I stepped out of the office with Seth and found her still sitting on the hard, plastic chair in the waiting room. What was it she had said earlier about a fight and did it have to do with the new scrape on Seth's cheek.

"Will you be okay Cohen?" She asked, Seth looked away from her, but I could see a nod only barely noticeable. "Luke wasn't being fair to you. He shouldn't have said what he said or done what he did…. It's not your fault that Marissa…"

Summer Roberts didn't finish the sentence. She gasped at the mention of the now dead girl's name. And then span around so fast her dark her flew around her head and ran out of the room and down the stairs.

I could feel Seth tense under my hand, but when I turned to him he wasn't moving from where he stood but only watched the place where Summer Roberts had disappeared.

"Do you want to go after her? We're not in a rush. You can if you want to."

Seth hesitated for a moment, then he shook his head and started leading me down the stairs and towards the front doors of the building.

"Summer Roberts and Marissa were best friends." Seth mumbled, almost so quietly I couldn't hear. I didn't know whether he was talking to me or to himself. "And I guess what Luke said did have a point."

I turned to Seth once again, just as we walked over the parking lot and into my car. Then I had to look away from him to start the engine and look away from him and towards the road.

But I just couldn't help that my thoughts were more into whatever this Luke had said than what I could see in front of me. And I decided that instead of asking Seth right out, I would probably have a bigger chance of finding out while Seth also felt good if I kept talking to him.

"It's almost lunch time." I said as the only thing I could think of. "Should we go somewhere and get something to eat. Or should we go home and order something?"

Still, even if it was for something as every- day- like as what to have for lunch Seth let several seconds pass while he decided what to answer.

"Let's just go home."

 **I guess that was something you didn't expect. Honestly I didn't either, I came up with the idea for the Cooper's after I'd started this chapter.**

 **I was thinking Summer could be portrayed by Lindsey Lamer. As well as Principal Lewis Middleton by Peter Graham- Gaudreau**

 **Random fact**

I wanted a bit back and forth about Marissa. Some things mattered was that Marissa died in the series- I made that they had been so caught up with their jobs and everything the Cohen's and the Cooper's hadn't met for a while and voila… I also don't like Marissa. So… did I make it work? Please don't hate me.


	18. The mother

**Some updates about my stories that have changed since the last chapter.**

" **Fire in my brain makes fire in our hearts" is finished as well as one oneshot. There is only one chapter left of "Unpretty hurts." And on "Dancing in the rain" I'm able to count how many chapters that are left. It's the one I'm working on now, one short chapter, then one full playlist and then the epilogue.**

 **I also noticed that there are also few chapters left of "Break, broke, broken trust" so that's one more story down. Well, almost down as of now.**

 **I started another story. It's for liver cancer awareness. It's written in the fandom of "Good witch" and I quite like it. So if you know the fandom- please check it out. It's called "A candle in a dark corner"**

 **Oh, and upon that. I wrote another oneshot for this fandom. It's called "The last I love you and goodnight." It's set in a hospital room with Hailey, Kirsten and their mum while Rose Nichol dies. The reason why I wrote it is in the A/N's of that one if you would like to check it out.**

 **Here's the chapter.**

Tuesday, the day after Seth had tried to start school again I, Kirsten and Seth stood on the porch steps to the Cooper's house and Kirsten knocked. In her hands was a small bouquet, with a black silk ribbon and from it hanging a small card with the words "I hope you feel surrounded by much love. Sincerely Kirsten, Sandy and Seth"

What was one even supposed to do knowing that the Cooper's had lost one of their most precious pieces in the same moments that we had made it through.

"Maybe no one's home." Seth questioned a bit after we had rang the doorbell. "Oh… hey Mrs. Cooper." Just as he had said that the door flew open and Julie Cooper came out.

"What do you want?"

For a second I and Kirsten seemed to hold our breath at the same times. What were we say now?

"We heard about what happened in Thailand..." Kirsten started. She was the one who knew Julie best out of all of us so I left it to her. "And we just wanted to let you know that we're here for you and…we were there too."

"I know that. So if you came here only to tell me that you can go back home."

"And ehrm… we wanted to give you these. To you and your fa… you and Jimmy and Kaitlin." Kirsten took the small bouquet and handed it to Julie, who took it and then stared at it as if she hadn't seen anything like that in her life.

"Come in then." Julie stepped away from the door. "I'll find a vase or something. Follow me." She led us through the hallway and into her kitchen. She then signed at the chairs and the table that was already covered in vases, flowers and different paper sheets that looked like paper work or bills. "Here…" She picked one vase out from a cupboard and continued moving while she talked.

"Jimmy had to go with Kaitlin to Sunnyside. So if you want to see him there's no point with coming here right now. Kaitlin have to keep on going school but she just won't let both me and Jimmy in her sight at all times. And I… I just couldn't go with her." Julie gestured over the mess of paper sheets that was left on the table. "Jimmy's been trying to sort out bills and stuff but there's another mess just like this in his office. So I don't know how…"

Julie didn't finish the sentence. But it wasn't hard to understand how frustrated and hurt she was. Except of course, we could never understand the hurt.

"I used to go to Sunnyside." Seth suddenly said about his old elementary school. "Before I started year six at the start of this school year… When I changed schools along with Marissa and Summer and Luke and everyone, how could I have ever imagined that not all of us would graduate and never make it to high school… I wish I could turn back time, go to Sunnyside again and never come up with the idea of going to Thailand."

None of us adults answered what Seth had said. But we all knew what the others were thinking- we wished we'd never gone there too.

"It was like paradise." Julie suddenly said. "We didn't ever want to leave and go back home. But then it wasn't anymore and we couldn't get out of there soon enough. The airports and planes away from Khao Lak were full… Once people were finding their family members they couldn't wait to get out of there. It took us a while- to say the least to find Marissa. And then a plane where we could also bring her with us. But the hospital had some planes they used to transport hurt people and at last- January the second we got three… four places in one of those and could finally get home. When did you get home?"

I and Kirsten exchanged each look. I could see she was thinking the same as I did- we were ashamed that we had gotten home so quickly when thousands upon thousands of people had had to stay behind.

"If we had known you were there we would have stayed behind." I said in a forced tone. "But… well… we didn't. We only found out yesterday when Seth went back to school and… was told."

I hoped she would let go of the thought of when we got home. It felt too unfair to even speak finding out how we got out of there while others had to stay. Even our own friends.

"Luke started shouting at me that it was my fault Marissa's… gone." Seth suddenly said continuing after what I had said. "And that he wished she wasn't and I was instead. Then Summer Roberts told me what had happened. She was Marissa's best frie…"

"I know who Summer is." The forced tone in Julie's voice spoke of heartbreak beyond what words could ever tell. "And Luke was very right about that. The more people tell you that it is your fault the better."

Seth had been sitting with his head rested heavily against his hand and his elbow on the table. Now he, with his chin dropped lifted his head staring back at Julie. I barely noticed I and Kirsten were staring just the same.

I had known Julie Cooper for a long time. But I had no idea what she was about to do now. I just couldn't understand.

"It was an earthquake out on sea that caused a tsunami. I could never have caused it or even know that it was coming. It wasn't my fault."

Julie Cooper had a heartbroken and furious fire burning in her eyes. I should have stopped her from doing what she did next. But I didn't. I couldn't find my voice so instead I ended up only watching and listening.

"It is though. Who was the one who came up with going to Thailand from the start?"

"I did."

"Who told his parents about the bright idea?"

"I did."

"Who went around school and told everyone who would listen where he would go during the Christmas holidays?"

"I did."

"And who talked about how awesome it would be and about everyone that's going on in those tourist- popular towns?"

"I did."

"And who told Marissa about it?"

"I did."

"And who made sure she and everybody else wanted to go as well."

"I did."

"So whose fault was it then? Who has got the blame for Marissa not being here anymore?"

"Mine."

Seth was looking down trying to hide the tears rolling down his cheeks. I had been hit off while Julie asked him all of those questions and almost in a half- conscious state that forced me to keep quiet. Then finally. When Seth admitted that both himself and Julie and who knows who else thought that it was his fault that Marissa was gone.

"HEY." I shouted, louder than what I had planned. "Don't tell him that. Don't do… HEY."

Julie had suddenly grabbed Seth, half by his shirt and half by his hair. Seth whimpered slightly but soon fell silent as Julie dragged him with her through the kitchen, through the hallway and then let go of him when she pushed him out the door so he fell down the porch.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE."

"HEY." I shouted at last when Julie had slammed the door after him and I found my voice after following stuttering something not even I could catch for words. "Julie! You're hurting- we know that. Worse than we could imagine. But that doesn't give you the reason to come and hurt my kid and…"

I never got the chance to finish that sentence.

"At least your kid is still here."

The words sent a shattering through my heart.

My kid was still here. But only one of Julie and Jimmy's was and there were thousands upon thousands of other kids that didn't. And parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends and all kinds of people that didn't know about the great wall of water that suddenly came in towards land and flooded the whole place.

"Yeah but…"

"GET OUT."

Julie shouted at me so loud I jumped where I stood already reaching for my jacket. Without anything else she pushed me too, and then threw Seth's jacket on him before she threw the door shut and then locked it.

"Is it really my fault dad?"

Watching the tears rolling down Seth's cheeks I didn't know what to answer.

"No… No. Seth, don't you believe that. Don't you ever… It is not your fault. It's not anybody's fault…"

I hated Julie Cooper for blaming her misery on my son and even me.

But I knew I could never understand what terrible she must be going through right now.

The door opened again and Kirsten came out.

"Is your arm okay Seth?" She asked worriedly and it wasn't until then I noticed how he was holding his hurt arm in the other hand. "Does it hurt?"

"I felt something crack."

 **Whether Kaitlin will come in later into the story in this I don't know. I've decided not to choose a cla for her. She looks like she did in the brief moments she was in season one of the O. C**

 **Random fact**

When I killed Marissa it was only a random idea that popped into my mind that I decided to use. But it was for this chapter that I planned for the rest of the story. And I came up with some ideas for the rest and how Marissa's missing will be relevant for the story. And in the end I'm happy with how I did it. Mainly because I didn't like Marissa but also because I think it will make good storylines. And I can't wait to show you.


	19. The broken arm

**Thanks to Tif S and Dixie. 9 for reviewing.**

A couple of hours after the visit at the Cooper's Seth had gone through an… a few x- rays of his arm. Then waiting, waiting, waiting before the three of our family sat in a doctor's office on the other side of the desk from him.

"On the break we can see that you probably fell into something. Or something hit your arm really hard…"

The doctor looked from me, to Seth, to Kirsten and then back again as if one of us was going to confirm his theory, no word was heard for several seconds and then a light seemed to go up for him.

"Oh. Yeah, right. Sorry. With all the adrenaline pumping through your system at that moment you probably don't remember. And it probably didn't hurt either. Even though otherwise breaking your arm would hu…"

"I remember it…"

Seth's voice was weirdly strong. A lot stronger than I would have been able to make it if I was going to say something. Let alone something about boxing day, Thailand or the wave.

Then, before anyone had the time to reply Seth had started telling.

"We were running. Up the street, away from the ocean."

I held my breath while almost not knowing about it.

"But we didn't run fast enough. I was holding mum's hand but dad's I just lost somehow. It slipped out of mine and… he disappeared. There were so many people all around, before the water reached us and then when we were in it. And I was still holding onto mum's hand but… I didn't know where dad was so I tried to hold my head above the surface and shout for him…"

So that's where I had lost them in the water.

"…but I couldn't. I was sucked down into the water again, and then I thought- I reached out my hand in the direction he had disappeared and at first I felt something…. I thought I had gripped onto his hand but… then I knew it wasn't… There was a car there. A car that had got stuck in the water… but I was moving faster and I hit right into it with my hand first, first once, and then when I tried to get away from it once again. I could feel it cracking,"

 _Come on now Sandy Cohen! Take a breath. You can't break down in front of both your family and the doctor._

 _But why had I been gone at the one moment Seth needed me the most?_

"Then I was under the water again and… then I don't remember anything more until when I was crawling up on the roof of a building. Then I collapsed in her arms as soon as we were up there and safe... I was still holding onto mum's hand."

 _And where had I been during this? Still fighting in the water? Getting up towards the hospital? Finding and helping Ryan? Or searching the place for my family?_

"I was with mum all along. Mum and dad always told me that if I get lost then I should just sit down where I watch and they'd find me…. So we did that. We sat down on a hospital bed and then we started looking around… and then, all of a sudden we saw him." Seth turned to me. "…And it was like he never left at all… Then since I was with mum… and mum and dad always told me that if I get lost then I should just sit down where I watch and they'd find me…. So we did that. We sat down on a hospital bed and then we started looking around… and then, all of a sudden we saw him." Seth turned to me. "…And it was like he never left at all…"

The doctor was visibly shaken by this story. I couldn't blame him- I was too. But just as little as I could break down in front of my family. Just as much he needed to stay professional and strong in front of a patient and his family

"Sorry… I didn't mean to waste your time. You probably have loads to do today and I started telling… I just needed to…"

"Don't say you're sorry." The doctor said and riffled in the x-ray photos. But I could tell he was shaken still. "As a doctor. For me it is and should be just as important to know your well- being mentally as physically."

I tried to force a smile, not because I was happy or liking this by any means but at least gratefully. It ended up more of a half- hearted grimace and the doctor nodded to me and then looked back to his patient again.

"Well. The problem probably had something to do how stressed they were at the hospital that day. I know I can't blame them for it. But you were probably one of the first at the hospital and getting an x- ray. They saw your arm was broken. But when more and more people started gathering they didn't have time for that kind of things. And they didn't bother checking how or where your arm was broken and put a cast on it as quickly as possible… Now. If your arm heals fully like this there's are risks in the future. Such as pain, nerve damage, muscle damage and on it goes. So we want to sort this out and fix it as soon as possible. And if it hadn't already healed it would be easier. But it has… And therefore we need to break it again before we can put it right and it will start healing again."

The room fell awfully silent. I, Kirsten and Seth all stared at the x- ray picture the doctor was showing us. Still none of us seemed able to know what to answers.

Until finally Seth did himself…

"What do you mean doctor? Do you mean… like you can't just…"

"Pop it back in place? No. Unfortunately not. This is all very unfortunate. Of course this happening but how his arm broke and how it wasn't treated correctly. To then describe it more. Do you want me to take it again?" I forced my head into bobbing up and down- I hadn't quite been able to understand the first time. "Okay. Don't worry about it. The break in Seth's arm have started healing, even though in the wrong way. So if Seth doesn't want much pain and problems in the future. Then we're going to have to do surgery. We're going to have to break his arm again- we use a special saw for that and… oh dear… oh dear.."

Seth had obviously fainted, fallen lax over the chair's back while his eyes rolled back.

"Most of them wait until we at least get the needle out before they black out." The doctor stood up. "Don't worry about it. This happens all the time. Here…" I picked him up into bridal style. "Lie him down on the floor, carefully." I sent Kirsten an apologetic look, but did as the doctor told me. The doctor himself went out of the room for a second and came back with a rolled up blanket that he put under Seth's head while lifting his feet up onto a chair.

Taking Seth's hand the doctor put two fingers against his wrist to feel the pulse while he looked to his wrist watch to see the time.

"There we go…" At the same moment the doctor lowered his hands Seth stirred and lifted his hand to rub his eyes before he looked up. "…You okay kid?" Seth just moaned back and tried to sit up, failing. "Just stay there for a bit. Do you want some water?" He slightly shook his head. "You fainted… Are you feeling alright now?" He moved to the side and supported Seth's back when he tried to sit up again. "Nauseas? Dizzy?"

"A bit dizzy."

"Just sit still there for a bit. And if you feel dizzy again after getting up then please let me know and we can hopefully sort that out before you faint again."

Seth seemed to be swaying where he sat for a moment, but as he rubbed his eyes again and then looked up he finally sat still for a few seconds before he looked up on the doctor as if he'd never seen one before.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it." The doctor and I on either side supported Seth on each side when he shakily got on his feet and then sat back on the chair again. "It happens all the time. Do you want me to start again or do you want me to wait a while?" Seth didn't answer at first, then half whispered, half croaked that he could go on. "Well, if you're sure- I assure you. This won't be as scary as you think it will be. Nor as painful. During the whole surgery you will be asleep, and then you'll be given all the painkillers you want."

Seth didn't seem so sure about that. The doctor noticed too but of course he didn't exactly have any choice than to tell us what was going to happen so we'd be as ready as possible for what was coming.

"What we want to do is we want to fix this as soon as possible…" The doctor checked something in his calendar. "…But then of course, we always need to have emergency times open for broken bones or appendicitis. Although this one will take a bit longer so…" He checked something more. "How about Friday?"

I had gotten a bit confused about the days of all the time off, still I soon counted that today must be Tuesday so that was one two…

"Three days away?"

"See it from the bright side. The sooner you start this the sooner it will be over and done. And now… On Friday morning. From midnight you're not allowed to eat anything. So no burgers or pizza or sweets for you on Friday morning. And you come here…"

And this was only before the surgery.

"…And until two hours before the surgery you can drink some fluids. You can drink soda or juice or water. You can drink tea or coffee but without milk. And that's it. Do you have any questions?"

"Ehrm…"

Seth hesitated, then he shook his head slightly.

"Do mum and dad have any questions?"

"Yes." I shook my head but Kirsten wanted something. "Can we go home the same day or will Seth have to stay at the hospital?"

"Seth is going to have to stay here for maybe two days. And I have sorted out so he'll have room number thirteen. That means he will have his own room. You're actually not supposed to put up such things in a hospital room, but we usually make exceptions for children like this. Next to it on the wall you can hang a poster or so, then bring some books and maybe a stuffed animal of some kind. And then maybe a blanket or CD's or books or magazines- stuff to pass by time and to make it feel like more at home. It makes a hospital less scary, even for older kids- if I had to stay in hospital I'd like it too and I'm forty six."

"But room number thirteen? Thirteen is the unlucky number. I don't want to stay there. It would mean something would go wrong. My arm would break again and you'd have to do surgery all over again or I'd get side effects from the meds or…"

Seth was interrupted when the doctor chuckled and I could have strangled him for it. Come and laugh at my son when he was being dead serious?

"Sorry…" He cleared his throat and saw the look on my face. "I shouldn't have laughed. I laughed at that theory and not at you. There's no such thing as lucky or unlucky numbers. It's just things that people come up with to blame things that go wrong with."

Seth shrugged as if he wasn't so sure about that.

Seth actually shrugged a whole lot the nearest couple of days.

He was so nervous he could barely eat or sleep, I and Kirsten tried with all of his favorites but when asking if he wasn't hungry he just shrugged and walked away. When he was up all night if he wasn't tired he shrugged again at our questions. Then once again when we asked if he'd like to talk about what happened. And once again when we asked if he wanted to do something instead of only waiting for the coming day.

He especially shrugged when Kirsten asked if there was someone he wanted to come over and they could spend time together and just forget all of what tsunamis and surgeries were about. If only it was so simple Seth would have just another list of friends to call.

It broke our hearts knowing Seth was as lonely in school and everywhere all around.

And it broke our hearts seeing him like this. He barely even left the sofa between Tuesday and Friday. And he couldn't even play video games for his arm in a cast.

I was more relieved than anything when we, early Friday morning finally walked up to the hospital and towards the children's ward.

"Seth Cohen." The doctor who had met us on Tuesday met us almost in the doorway when we came inside and was on our way towards us. "Let me see now. Have you eat anything after midnight tonight?" Seth shook his head. "Have you been drinking anything for the past two hours." Seth shook his head. "Well then. Come with me and I'll get you the surgery wear."

"Already?"

"The sooner we can start this the sooner it will be over and done."

As if Seth hadn't been pale enough already. He was pale as a sheet and would probably have thrown up if it wasn't for the fact that he hadn't eaten.

"Come on." I patted his shoulder slightly. "The doctor's right. The sooner we start this the better… So what's first doc?" He held onto a hospital gown.

"You can keep your underwear and socks on. But pants off and then change into this one. Dad can take your clothes because you'll be wearing these at least until you come from the recovery room. I think the easiest and fastest now is if we do things right here in the hallway. So… How are you with needles?"

Seth went if possible even more possible and tense. I laid my hand towards his back, ready to catch him if he fainted again.

"Sorry kid. You will have to. Now, go and get changed- give those clothes to your dad. And then come with me."

Seth didn't protest, he was probably too tired to do so at this point. It might not be impossible that he could be asleep all through the surgery without the narcosis. I wasn't willing to try that though. And when Seth came out of the bathroom having changed into the hospital gown and handed me the shirt and sweatpants he'd been wearing he had a new sparkle in his eyes.

"I guess I'm ready."

The sparkle disappeared within a few seconds but I could see Seth wasn't lying- he was ready to do this. And without a word, when the doctor and one nurse I hadn't met before came pushing a rolling bed he crawled up on it, let the nurse put the railings up and then only leaned back and watched as the doctor pushed him through the hallway and behind a curtain.

"Nurses mostly do these." The doctor sat down on a rolling chair and pulled a small, metal table on wheels where he had already put up the things he needed. "But I said I'd do it. Considering we've already met you might be more comfortable with that. We're also a bit short- staffed today so the nurses were quite relieved when I told them they could go and have their break. Here…" He held up one needle. "This needle is called a butterfly. Well it's got another name but it's mostly called that when we just talk about it. I will put it into the back of your hand and… and now he fainted again. Oh dear. Now… I can put the needle in before he's awake. I'm actually not supposed to do that but I think then this whole thing will be less traumatizing. Is that okay with you?" I nodded. He was right!

Without anything else the doctor unwrapped the butterfly, quickly and with moves that he knew very well he put the needle in and then stuck it right into the back of Seth's hand before he started stirring and wake up.

"And there." The doctor ended with putting a plaster on to keep it still, and just as he did Seth opened his eyes. "All done. Now… This means that during this hospital stay we won't have to poke you again- we can just give it through this and it's all done… And now. The great part about this part. Is that this works great fast. So… You're just going to get some pills. And then you can be taken to the OR for surgery."

Seth didn't even answer, he just looked up towards the doctor tiredly and watched him as he disappeared again. Then was soon back with four pills and a small Styrofoam cup of water.

"Can you swallow these pills? Then we're going. Those two are for pain relief, that one is anti-nausea and then the last is a sedative. Is there anything else you're wondering about.?"

I shook my head, Kirsten did the same, Seth sighed, but then he shook his head too before he swallowed the four pills he'd gotten almost all at once.

"Thank God you're one of them that does it easily. We've been here with people who needs ten minutes to swallow them- so annoying. And here we go." A nurse came by and the doctor turned the breaks off Seth's bed. "Do you want to sit up like that or do you want to lie down."

There were a few seconds before there were barely more than a whisper for an answer.

"Sit."

I pushed my hand through Seth's brown curls- everything we needed right now was a temperature. But with everything else that had gone wrong lately…

The doctor and the nurse pushed Seth's bed into the elevator and I and Kirsten hurried after, down into the cellar where there were less people they said, through a hallway, up several floors again and then through another hallway.

Meanwhile Seth had gone quite loopy from the meds he had gotten. But was still more alert than what he had been for days. And did not look happy when the doctor kept explaining what would be happening next.

"When you wake up you'll be in the recovery room. You will be very tired, maybe in pain, nauseas, cold. But if there's anything then you tell the nurses there about it. They've got all kinds of medicines they can give you to help."

The bed that Seth laid on was getting pushed away and Seth flinched and sat up.

"Mum."

"It's okay Seth. I'm not going anywhere."

"Can mum come with me?"

"She can be with you all until you're asleep- And when you wake up your parents will both be right by your side again. Okay? " Seth nodded "Do you want dad to come with you too? Or is it enough with one?"

"Only mum."

I pretended to look hurt. The doctor shook his head at me.

"Some doctors don't let more than one parent come into the OR so that's just as well."

I knew I needed to say something…

"I'll go set up the hospital room for you. I'll be back here before your surgery's over." I gave Seth's hand a slight squeeze. "Don't worry kid. You're going to be fine."

I stayed and watched while Seth's bed, Kirsten and nurses went into the OR. All the way until they turned around the corner and I couldn't see them anymore I watched. Then turned and hurried out of the hospital and to the car to get the things to set up to make Seth's hospital room his.

I hung a large poster with pictures and information about the planets right next to the bed on the wall, then laid a Harry Potter book and some magazines on the bedside table. Next to it I laid a chocolate bar and a bag of sour patch kids. For the moment that was everything I could do to make this space Seth's instead of just another patient's.

But I couldn't help but notice the empty space where Captain Oats should have stood.

Even though I knew it was for the plastic horse, I still stood frozen for a couple of minutes before I started moving. There really was something missing, I could feel it and despite knowing what it was the feeling wouldn't let me go.

When I looked to my clock I saw it was somewhere around lunch time. Neither I nor Kirsten should be able to eat anything. But we had to and we wouldn't get the chance once Seth was taken to the recovery room. But still I went to the cafeteria, bought two bagels and drinks and then made my way back to the waiting room.

At least that was my plan, meanwhile I had planned how I'd do that and how easily it would go I hadn't moved from the spot in what would be Seth's room when he was moved to the ward. So then when I finally got my legs moving again I turned and heavily made my way through the door and out into the hallway.

I never got that far, hurrying out of the room I accidentally walked straight into a blonde boy on crutches who was starting to learn how to make his way forward.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I quickly stumbled my way back onto my feet. "I didn't see you I…"

I was interrupted the moment I held out my hand to help the boy up and immediately recognized him.

"Ryan?"

 **Well I had to bring Ryan and Sandy together again somehow, did I?**

 **I'm probably wrong at a hundred and sixty three points. With what happens now and especially about what happened back in Thailand. I wasn't there, I've never been to Thailand and I'm not planning on going. But I've read a lot and watched a lot of movies and TV shows and I'm hoping to get as much as possible right. While something might have been made wrong because of storylines or whatever… Does everybody get it? Good. Everybody's okay with it? Even better.**

 **I don't even know if shivering cold is an actual side effect from the narcosis. I just know that when I had surgery to remove a lump, I woke up in the recovery shivering cold- like really, shivering- from- head- to- toe- kind- of- shivering… And I decided to put it here. You'll see later if I decide to actually use it or not.**

 **The doctor just kept on being called just that- the doctor. I don't know why he was never given a name or anything. And he might not turn up in the story again. I just called him the doctor when he wasn't meant to have an as big part of the chapter he ended up**

 **I'm noticing most of this chapter is conversation. I hope no one minds that.**

 **Random fact**

The planets- poster Seth has isn't just any poster. A while ago I and mum was going through loads and loads of old stuff. And two of the things I found was posters. One poster from the third Harry Potter movie- and one poster with text and pictures of the planets in our solar system (I had that as an obsession when I was like seven. I remember when we bought that poster…) anyway, I got a picture of it and it will be up on my Instagram "Linneagbfanfiction"


	20. The looks in their eyes

**The doctor from the last chapter now has a name.** **Dr. Elijah Lanton. He's portrayed by Chris Potter.**

 **I finished another story yay. I finished my other O. C story "The little girl" and I also have only one single chapter left of ditr. So soon, soon I'll have more time left for this and the other stories going on.**

"Ryan?"

For the next half second half a million memories passed by. Meeting Ryan in another hospital on the other side of the world. All of our searching until I had found my family but he hadn't, coming back and then his dad…

Things had changed so much during the last couple of weeks.

Ryan too.

He had been sunburnt when we met, and maybe that hadn't all faded yet. But to me he looked as pale as a ghost, his cheeks were sunken and almost blue as if he had lost weight that wasn't there to lose. And his eyes were just so…

…empty…

"Excuse me." Ryan had a nurse with him who helped him. "Do you two know each other? And do you want to try again or should I get the chair?"

"No…" Ryan mumbled, almost as of a reflex I reached out my hands and supported him when he got up on hands and… well, knee. Then supported against his hand and jumped up on one foot and took the crutches when I reached them to him and raised myself. "Hey Sandy. Sorry, I didn't mean to…. Jump right into you."

"That's okay." I patted his shoulder when we, automatically started moving through the hallway. "Besides, it was my fault. There's no way you can predict I will suddenly come running out into the hallway. Seth's here, he's in surgery since his arm hasn't been healing well. So I set the room up to make it his… Are you still in here?" Ryan nodded when I opened the door to room number seventeen. "Did Clark go home?" Ryan nodded again. "And… how are you doing? Except for me running right into you then of course?"

"Clark went home and Hector was sent to this special care for people with eating disorders. He ate so little he almost died and still refused when he came here so they sent him away last week. It was quite nice not having his mum around all the time, his parents were always fighting and his mum always crying. Now finally it's some calm around here… And no." Ryan looked back towards the nurse and shook her off when she tried to support him. "I don't want any breakfast."

I tried to say something, more so when the nurse gave me a meaning look.

"I and Ryan met when we were in Thailand. We helped each other searching for each other's families. I found my wife and son- Seth and… Have you heard anything from your mum or brother yet?"

Or his dad for that matter. I had a feeling heh wasn't quite the parent that would stick around when his son was in hospital.

I tried to ignore I could see the answers in his eyes before he shook his head slightly.

"No. Nothing."

My stomach clenched, nothing and then the way Ryan just looked so empty…

I'd stay with him every second of the day if I had to. But then there was his dad- and what a dad then! That couldn't even come visit his son.

"I haven't seen anything of your dad since the day he tried to bring alcohol here." The nurse gave me a meaning glance. "Now. You're not going to be helped by having no breakfast. What would you like? A sandwich? Some cereal?"

"I just said I don't want anything."

The nurse sighed and seemed in loss of what to do.

"Well I can understand you. Hospital food sucks anyway… It would be better if you could go down to the cafeteria and then maybe sit down outside and eat…" The nurse gave me another meaning glance. "The cafeteria has the great thing here that day by day they save the leftovers, and then sell it for half price the next morning by breakfast time. I've seen them have anything from sushi to grilled ribs and vegetarian pizza. And you sir. Get in that wheelchair. Now! You're probably going to feel better if you get out of this ward. Just make sure you're back here within an hour or two and bring your phone just in case something happens. Have some breakfast and get some vitamin D from the sunlight." Ryan nodded, but without a word moved over into a wheelchair and reached for the phone I and Kirsten had given him what felt like at least two years ago. "He hasn't been eating well." The nurse mumbled to me. "Barely at all, actually. He's just going to be stuck here for longer if he doesn't change that soon so if you go down to the cafeteria- will you make sure he eats something?"

"I can't force him." I mumbled back. "But I'll do my best. Do you want a push?"

Ryan shook his head and got his hands towards the wheels while I went to open the door out to the hallway. I continued after him, he probably knew the hallways and directions here better than I did so I let him lead the way. But still not a single word was said and we didn't as much as look at each other until we came to the cafeteria.

"Just take whatever you want from here or there…" I gestured over all the things that had been from yesterday with fried chicken with rice, and pasta with some kind of vegetarian sauce to it that I didn't remember what it was called, and then gestured to the fridge that was filled with sandwiches and drinks. "Don't give a worry about what it costs… or not. And of course, it's best if you eat food but if you want candy then take candy because it's more important you eat anything at all than that it's healthy."

"Ehrm… Can I…"

"Don't ask if you can. Just grab whatever you want and put it on the tray. It doesn't matter if you want ten bags of chips, twenty chocolate bars and a gallon of cola. As long as you eat it's fine."

Ryan didn't answer, but I could almost hear the way he suppressed a sigh. I couldn't blame him. If someone kept nagging me to do something I didn't want to do I would pull for the deepest sigh in the world's history.

I looked to the tables myself- I'd already had breakfast back at home but me not eating wasn't going to help Ryan. And besides, the hospital's bagels with creamed cheese were almost as good as those I made myself.

And while I stood waiting for the coffee machine to pour a small cup it was in relief I could see in the corner of my eye Ryan reaching for a 7up, a drink yoghurt and a small bag of chips.

"Is that it?" I took my coffee. "Or do you want something more to bring to your room or anything?" He shook his head. "Let me take that and I'll pay for the lot. These please."

"Is that all you're going to eat?" The clerk asked glancing towards Ryan and his small kind of breakfast. "You can eat more you know. As a patient you get a special price."

I raised an eyebrow, for a clerk it was certainly not the business how much Ryan ate or didn't. And I could see Ryan thought the same. But the line was growing behind us and Ryan seemed confused, he took a pack of twizzlers from the table behind him and threw it too on the counter. The clerk looked as if she wanted to say more but with a glance towards the line of people she looked over what we had taken and we could continue and sit down on one of the tables of the cafeteria that was outside.

"Did you know that the sunshine actually brings you vitamins?" I asked Ryan and moved away a chair so he could roll in with his wheelchair, the silence was just way too thick and I needed to say anything at all. "Vitamin D. Now, some of vitamins and stuff like that can be stored up in the body and then used when it's needed- but not Vitamin D. Because of this, people who live in Scandinavia or great Britain or other parts of the world where there's not much sunshine easily starts lacking it. Did you know that?"

Ryan shook his head. Then the silence grew wide once again when he got the lid of his yoghurt cup and I drank my coffee.

"Have you met any new guys since Clark and Hector left?"

It was just the only thing I could think of saying and it seemed something not way too private. Ryan nodded, with having his place in one of the biggest rooms with four beds he would have.

"There's a new kid with a broken leg- Manny, and his parents come around and they speak Spanish and they speak so loud… Then there was another kid who came and left, Freddie. He talked about his video games nonstop. Then there was one named Robert and he recognized the Harry Potter books on my bedside table and kept asking if I like knew every word of it… I almost do anyway. There's not much to do so I've read them both five times around at least. When I'm reading no one will talk to me and just take for granted that I even know what I'm talking about. There's another kid named Samuel now but I don't know what's going on with him. Neither with one named Nicholas, he only came last night and was still sleeping when I went out into the hallway. As for Samuel- He doesn't say much anyway. I, Samuel, Nicholas and Manny… as of now the room's crowded. And… I don't know why I just spilt all that on you."

"You didn't spill anything on me. I asked if you have been meeting new kids and you answered me. Ain't nothing wrong with that. And I can understand it's a bit annoying when you don't know what stranger will come in next…If you want to…" I grabbed onto the first idea I could grasp when it suddenly passed by in my mind. "…I could talk to someone. Maybe you can change rooms into one which has place for two people. And then maybe I can make sure that Seth is the other person in the room. He'll only be here for a couple of days but then during those couple of days you won't have to share room with a total stranger for a few days. And then you will not have to constantly share room with three other boys at once."

I suddenly gasped when I remembered why I had left Ryan and what it had been that his dad said. It had played over and over in my mind so many times but then when I met Ryan I had been so caught up in helping him.

"Your father questioned if I'm a pedophile or a kidnapper. Well, I can't show you that I'm not. Believe me- through my work I have learned that criminals are very good at hiding it. And that's… terrible. But you'll just have to take my word on that I am not and… maybe I can also show you if you and your dad will let me."

Ryan froze for a second and pushed away the still half full cup of yoghurt.

"I…" He hesitated slightly. "My dad hasn't been here once since that day he forced you to go. He's probably busy…"

He did look like he knew what Mr. Atwood was busy with, I would have had some guesses but if I mentioned a word now it would interrupt and silent Ryan and I couldn't risk that.

"You were there you know. From the one moment we met in Thailand you were there. You were there to search for my family and yours and Cliff's but you were there after you found yours. And then you were there more… And then my dad came along and…"

Ryan suddenly gasped, much alike I had done earlier when I remembered what Frank Atwood had told me the last time I saw Ryan before today.

"I don't want to cause you any trouble, but it was a good idea.. That with me and Seth sharing. And then dad… if he comes back against all odds we could just say it was the staff who chose to move me as I wasn't getting along with someone or something… Can we do that?"

"Sure we can." I had finished my sandwich but I didn't want to pressure Ryan into anything. And then suddenly I noticed how much time had passed by- Kirsten probably hated me by now.

"It's okay." Ryan took his chocolate, twizzlers and 7up and laid them in the chair. "I can bring this with me. I'm not very hungry… Can you talk to the staff about moving or should I?"

"I can do it…"

I looked down on Ryan while we were moving back towards his room. Everything there must be behind that look in his eyes. That empty look covering up everything he had seen, everything he had been through both in Thailand, before and after…

…Maybe he was having nightmares every night. Just like I did!

If someone would have asked me I wouldn't have expected it to be so easy to change someone's room. I would have expected it to be some kind of system, but I just walked over to Dr. Lanton and asked him about it and next thing I knew he was taking Ryan's things while I took Seth's and then moved them into room number eight.

"Seth's been in surgery for an hour and a half.. my wife probably hates me by now." I said while I put up the solar system poster by Seth's bed. "Can you do the rest by yourself or should I ask someone to come in?"

Ryan didn't answer, he just looked at me and that was enough. I nodded and walked back towards the OR waiting room.

"Where have you been?"

"Seth isn't going to be in room number thirteen." I sat down on the hard, plastic chair next to Kirsten without answering her question. "He will be in room number eight. And he'll be sharing it with Ryan…. It will give Ryan a chance not to have to share a room with multiple strangers. And I think if you really think about it, Seth will appreciate not having to be alone."

Kirsten nodded agreeing but I could see in her eyes what she actually thought. I forced a smile, I had known she would prefer Seth in his own room number thirteen instead of with Ryan in room number eight.

"I do really trust Ryan you know…" I said to have anything at all said. "…He won't hurt Seth or anything. Otherwise I'd never have sorted this out."

"I suppose you're right. And he'll also appreciate not having to be in room number thirteen."

"Yeah…"

There was one more thing I could have said. But didn't.

 _I know I would do anything to help this kid- both of these kids._

 **Random fact**

The clerk in the hospital cafeteria commenting on how much someone eats… yeah. That happens to me once. I'd taken some pasta from where you can just pick up yourself and you can take as much as you can without paying extra and she just looked at it and then looked at me saying I could take more without paying more… That was weird.

(I wasn't a patient like Ryan is though. I was going to the hospital church)


	21. The father's thoughts

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9 and "guest" for reviewing**

 **Answer to guest reviewing  
** Hmmm… I get a feeling that you don't like Seth? And yeah, Ryan goes through something worse than the Cohen's but they've all been through a traumatic experience and saying they can't be upset about it is like saying I can't be happy for having a friend while there are loads of people out there with loads of friends. (I do have more than one friend but you get my point) The meaning of this story will not be that Seth hurts Ryan or the other way around or one will be a threat to the other. And I don't really think Seth is selfish neither he just tries… so, so, so hard and a bit too hard really. Anyway, thank you for reading and reviewing and I hope you'll like this chapter and the rest of the story.

 **Well then, here's the new chapter and I hope you like it.**

Whoever thought time always ticked by on the same speed must be wrong…

It didn't matter we knew Seth was in safe hands, it didn't matter knowing that we'd left the worse of worries behind us.

Time had never gone by as slowly as it did knowing my kid was in surgery and only waiting for those doors in front of me and Kirsten to open and for Seth to finally come out.

But as for the moment we waited…

And waited…

Then at last, the doors opened and a surgeon, with his mask pulled down so it hung around his neck along with a nurse pushed the rolling bed in between them, from the OR and towards the recovery room.

I and Kirsten hurried onto our feet, at the same time as Dr. Lanton came through the door on the other side of the waiting room.

"Well doc…" He said to the surgeon before any of us others said anything. "What do you say? Do you want to do as we usually do and take him to the recovery room first? Or will it be alright if we take him straight to the ward? The recovery room is a bit crowded and with some staff still away for the holidays they've got much to do already… But what do you say? And what do you say?" Dr. Lanton looked at me and Kirsten.

"I guess… Whatever you think is best…"

"Don't worry about it." The surgeon told us. "The staff in the recovery room has got more training and of course more experience from people waking up from narcosis and what comes with it. But the ward have great staff too and if we need one of them from the recovery it's only two hallways away… Come here."

The surgeon pushing Seth's bed turned direction and led us out of the OR. Then the same way we had taken here, but in opposite direction and into room number eight instead of thirteen, which was empty for the moment before we came and pushed Seth's bed into one side of the small room, leaving the other for Ryan.

"That's it then." Dr. Lanton said. "You can stay here for as long as you want, since Seth is underage you can also stay through the night even- but only one at the time. And now… he should be awake in a couple of minutes at the most. Oh, and here. He might feel nauseas after the narcosis so…" Dr. Lanton took a basin from one cupboard and put it on Seth's bedside table. "Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it."

Finally, Dr. Lanton seemed as if he had gotten everything we needed to know said and left the room.

I looked down on Seth properly for the first time since we saw him again after surgery. He was pale and had dark circles around his eyes, most of him was covered by a blanket but over hit and his chest laid his arm, the cast was off and revealed large wounds where it wasn't covered by a big sling made out of burdock and metal keeping it in the position where it would heal- correctly this time.

How I would have taken every gash, every bruise from his arm and put it on my own if I only could…

Just as I'd registered everything Seth moaned and started moving. From the first second he seemed nervous and in some time trying to comfort him I reached out and stroke his hair, and that just as his eyes fluttered open and I thought of anything at all to say.

"Good news. You won't be staying in room number thirteen… uh oh…"

I quickly turned and reached for the basin and Kirsten helped him sit up and supported him when he started coughing and heaving.

Kirsten was more or less holding him up towards his back, I laid my hand under hers and rubbed his back. Since not having eaten the heaving were dry and painful, yet Seth was so tired it was weak and it lasted forever…

For a second, like so many times before I was back in Thailand. This time in the hospital room when I had thought Seth was there and ended up meeting Ryan instead. Back where I had known Seth hated throwing up so I went over to comfort him when his body started getting rid off all the dirty salt water he had gotten in him.

Seth heaved one more time, sour bile dripping from his lips, then forced another heave down his throat.

"Don't try to stop it. Just relax and you'll feel better soon."

Seth didn't listen to me, he forced another heave back and then was left breathing fitfully when Dr. Lanton came back into the room and started searching for something in the cupboards.

"I know you hate needles kid." He said putting a syringe, a needle and a bottle of something on the bedside table. "But it's better than getting sick, isn't it? This is to help towards the nausea."

Seth was obviously too tired and drowsy to protest against the needle because he barely even looked into Dr. Lanton's direction when the heaving finally eased and Kirsten supported him to lie back down.

Without another word Dr. Lanton took Seth's hand that already had the butterfly- needle in it and pushed the fluid in through it. He didn't even have to poke another needle into his skin to be finished only seconds later.

"Here. I'll take that." Dr. Lanton took his things and the basin from Kirsten's hands. "You'll just have to shout or press that red button on the wall if you need anything…" The door suddenly opened and Ryan came into the room, still in a wheelchair. "And anything you don't know about staying in hospital Ryan can tell you. Can't you Ryan?"

Ryan shrugged, Seth barely looked up from where he had laid down again.

"Now…" I turned to Seth again. "Good news is you won't be staying in room number thirteen anymore." Seth gave a slight nod. "Instead you will be staying in room number eight. And you and Ryan will be sharing. Is that okay?" Seth nodded slightly and then fought to lift his head and look to the other side of the room.

"Hey Ryan."

Ryan stood up on his one leg and then half jumped and half crawled onto his new bed. Knowing him, he was probably trying not to show it. But I could see, and hear the way he breathed out in relief when he leaned back against the sheets.

"Oh… yeah, hi."

Ryan reached for the Harry Potter- book we had given him, Seth slumped back against his sheets, worn out by all the medicines he had gotten he fell asleep again.

I looked slightly to both the sides of the room, on Seth's side there was him, I and Kirsten. A pile of books on the bedside table and then his solar system- poster hanging on the wall.

Ryan too had some books and a portable CD player with earphones and CD's. And the room was small so we could easily reach him if we needed too.

It was just that his side seemed so empty.

Frank I had met of course and I couldn't help but feel relieved that he wasn't here. But I just couldn't help but wonder where the rest of the Atwood's were- what on earth had happened to them during that dreadful day when they and Ryan saw each other last?

 **Eurgh! I've come down with the worst kind of writer's block. This chapter (writing this I've only just began writing it) will be so slow to write and I barely even know what will happen in it… I hope it can turn out something alright anyway.**

 **Random fact**

I had sooooo much trouble coming up with an ending so I hope you guys are happy with that one.


	22. The different

**Well hello, I'm having some trouble with how to write this chapter. I think I have an idea for this (I haven't actually started it haha). It will make it a short filler, but it still needs to be done before I can move on with the story so… I hope you enjoy.**

 **And oh, I finished one more story. I also finished three one shots for Anne of Green Gables, Glee and Riverdale. So with these out of the world, and one more that's only got one chapter left I will have more time for this.**

 **This chapter is told from Ryan's point of view.**

I had spent many nights since I came back to California with lying in the dark and staring into the ceiling. Or as much as I could see of it in the dark.

I couldn't close my eyes because then there was that monster waves turning up again for my inner vision. I couldn't fall asleep because in my dreams I was back in the water again. I couldn't sit up and turn the bed lamp on to read or something else, because if I did it would wake up the one or ones I shared a room with.

And then it didn't really matter that now I only shared room with Seth Cohen instead of Clark, or some other kid I only knew by name.

Somehow Sandy, Seth and Kirsten had sort of decided that one of his parents should stay at least for the first time, and therefore, right next to Seth's bed stood a foldable camping bed and on it- mumbling and moving in his sleep laid Sandy Cohen.

He had promised several times that I could say whatever I thought or felt. It didn't seem that he would get mad at me or hit me like my own dad would have.

I looked from Sandy up to his son who was too mumbling in his sleep. I thought I could hear the word "Oats" but it was hard to catch…

When I was back in Chino, before we had gone to Thailand I and Trey and mum, I and Trey sometimes laid awake at night and listened to mum and dad's breaths. After doing it a thousand times, especially me who kept awake when Trey fell asleep, I could always tell what kind of mood they were going to be in when they woke up.

Usually a bad one. Which would mean trouble for others, mostly me when they woke up.

I hadn't noticed how I was staring on Seth on the other side of the room until I turned and watched Sandy…

Seth had been asleep for most of the time since he came back from surgery, drowsy from the narcosis and medicine he'd been given. But he had been awake enough to show that he was happy that his dad was staying with him.

I couldn't help but to shove away the jealousy I was feeling.

We came from different worlds I and Seth, he had probably been given all he ever wanted. He hadn't ever had to worry what kind of mood his parents would be in, wouldn't have had to crouch where he sat and covered up his head to protect himself from kicks and blows…

He didn't have to worry that someone he knew would show up and once again would shout at Sandy to leave and call him a pedophile.

But still. Dad hadn't been here once since he had, so maybe as long as he didn't come again I could pretend we were the same…

 **Random fact**

This was planned to be a chapter told from Sandy's pov. I hadn't decided how to write this until I started it… Anyway, I know it's short and it's only a filler. But I'm hoping to be back with a new chapter soon.


	23. The same

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9 for reviewing.**

 **Hello again. Well, you remember I mentioned a list of stories that were almost finished. Since I put the last chapter up I finished "How far I'll go" which was the last of those stories and I now have much fewer stories than what I had before… I have also started two new stories, one for Tracy Beaker returns and one for the dumping ground. And wrote oneshots for Degrassi and when calls the heart.**

 **And I think that's it. Here's the chapter, here it goes back to, as usual. Being from Sandy's pov.**

"Good morning."

For when Seth was in hospital I spent my nights on a foldable camping bed right next to his. And of course, being in a hospital room I would be waken up by the nurse doing the morning rounds.

"Mhm." I rubbed my eyes and sat up when the nurse first walked over to Ryan with her set, checked his pulse and breathing and then his temperature. "Yeah… morning!"

Ryan moaned slightly when the nurse put a thermometer into his ear, I would have liked to say something but couldn't think of anything.

"If you're wondering why we're doing this…" the nurse explained to me while she noted something and then took her equipment to Seth instead. "…It's just to keep an eye on everything. So we'll notice in case there's an infection. That would make their temperature go up. Ryan's did a week ago, but it sunk again on its own thankfully. And here…" Seth grimaced when the thermometer was put into his ear. "No, I know. That's not very nice, is it?"

The nurse noted something else in some papers she carried, then took the things and left the room.

"It's only six a. m. So you can go back to sleep-"

"Ugh." Seth moaned. "Why did you even wake me up so early then? Now I'll never be able to sleep again."

I would have wanted to ask too.

"These staff…" I ran a hand through Seth's hair. "They have a lot of work to do. So sometimes it's for the best if you just don't say anything." Seth pouted. "I know. I'll ask them not to come into this room at this time tomorrow or as long as you're here…" Seth's eyes were falling closed. "I thought you said you weren't going to fall back asleep."

Both Seth and Ryan did fall back asleep. However I didn't. I had been wearing a thin pair of sweatpants as pyjamas and now I just took some socks on and then pulled a hoodie over it so I could look presentable when I stood up and looked out the window from a chair that stood by a small table in the corner of the room.

"Well, good morning." As if the wakening when the nurses did rounds wasn't enough. I woke up in the chair when the nurse came inside the room again, now the clock was pointing at nine so maybe a little bit better than before. "I'm making breakfast. Unfortunately I can't make any for you Mr. Cohen. But what would you two like? We have juice, hot chocolate, toast, bagels…"

"Dad makes the best."

"Oh…" I nodded agreeing to the nurse. "I absolutely make the best bagels."

"Well then." The nurse didn't look exactly look amused. "Well, I have fifteen more parents in this corridor and the wagon with all breakfast food we have is right outside the door to this one so why don't dad come and make them himself if they're the best."

"Of course." I got up, but cringed at the way the nurse looked at me as if I had just preformed the world's worst sin. "I'll make one for you too Ryan."

This time I barely even noticed I hadn't asked. But Ryan needed to eat just as well as Seth and if I were to ask he would just answer me no or in some kind otherwise think he would be a burden- which he wasn't.

"You see." I grabbed two bagels from the wagon that stood right outside the door. "You see, the most important thing is the creamed cheese. Because you don't want to put too little…"

"Just make the damn sandwiches."

I silent and forced down the laughter creeping up my throat. I wasn't about to show the nurse I even heard what she had said. And for one moment I just decided to tell Ryan and Seth about how important she obviously thought this was.

I never got to the point when I was telling them though. When I entered their hospital room another person had arrived. An adult person who sat with his back against me.

"Mr. Atwood?" He turned when I came into the room and went to place one bagel each on Seth's bedside table and then the same on Ryan's.

"Mr… Mr…. Mr…"

"Cohen."

"My name's Frank… You can just call me Frank."

I would have said he could only call me Sandy, as most people did. But I had a feeling something wasn't right in this moment and I had it confirmed with the way he just watched! Frank kept his eyes on me for a few seconds, then he looked to Ryan, and at Seth, then to me again, and back to Seth.

"So, this is your own son Mr. Cohen?"

"Yes." I answered him, Seth had fallen asleep, still worn out by all the medicines he'd been getting, otherwise I would have let him answer himself. "Yes, this is Seth."

"Hm." Seth sat up having heard his name. "What?"

"Nothing. You can go back to sleep."

Seth looked up and on me as if I was stupid for only thinking that he could. Then he looked to his barely half- eaten bagel on his bedside table next to him and then looked across the room to Ryan. And Mr. Atwood who looked back on him while Ryan nibbled on his bagel.

For a second it hit me how similar the boys looked, how similar their stories about having ended up here must be.

But then I saw the differences. Only in the hair, Ryan's blonde and tousled and Seth's dark curls. Ryan's dad and I, Seth's who sat by each of the beds next to our son's that were by the same age. Frank in a ragged, old jacket. And I in an brand new hoodie over my pyjamas shirt and sweatpants.

"I'm just wondering Seth…" Frank explained all of a sudden and I made myself ready to say anything if he said too much. "…What's he like?" Frank nodded towards me. "What's your dad like?"

"Ehrm…" I raised an eyebrow, that was a bit of a strange question but then as long as he didn't accuse me of being a pedophile… "he's nice. He always lets me know that he loves me very much, even though I do things wrong sometimes. And he always lets me know that whatever I do- good or bad I can become whatever I want. He's there for me. I don't have a lot of friends but mostly my dad is enough even though Summer Roberts has yet barely even looked at me."

"Summer Roberts?" Frank seemed confused. "Who's that?"

"Just a girl I like… She doesn't seem to even know I exist though… But having mum and dad by my side I still do know that I can do anything, be anything."

Seth sighed deeply and was obviously finished.

"Thank you son. That was very nicely said of you."

I ruffled in his hair when he leaned his head backwards again, he looked at me as if to say he hated me doing that. But he didn't, and fell asleep again with his head leaned backwards- that poor thing!

"Mr. Cohen?" I turned towards Frank who had stood up from the chair next to Ryan he had been sitting on. "Can I talk for you for a minute? In private?" He nodded towards the door and then glanced towards his son.

"Yes of course." I stood up too and looked around the room on the two boys in hospital beds before out the door we went and then stopped right outside where we could see the boys through the windows in the wall. "Was there something you wanted?"

"Yeah…" Frank said with hesitation in his voice looking straight towards Ryan who was still nibbling on the bagel from before. "You see… I'm not a very good dad!"

No? You say? I hadn't noticed…

"But… I think that what I should do right now is to do what's best for my son. And what was best for my son so… some weeks ago when he and his mum and brother went to Thailand. That isn't what is best for him now… I don't think anything I could do would be best for him."

As if to see through my skin and bones Frank eyed me up and down. For a moment the memory passed by of when he had forced me out of his son's hospital room.

"I don't think you're a pedophile… It's just that I have some trouble trusting other people. But this isn't about me. And there's just one… itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie favor to ask for." Frank took a deep breath in hesitation before he said what he needed. "Maybe, until I have sorted some things out so that I can take care of him and be his father in the way I'm supposed to… You could take Ryan into your home? And just take care of him until I… until I can…. Properly."

I looked into the room where Seth sat on one side trying to each his pancakes with one hand only, and Ryan sitting on the other side having eaten a few bites before he pushed the rest to the side and leaned back.

"You don't want to do that Mr. Cohen? Because if so, I'm sure I could think of something else."

The insecure, bothered look in Frank's face wasn't an indication about that he knew he could come up with anything else.

"Oh yes, yes of course I want to. That is perfectly fine with me. As long as it is okay to you we can keep in contact and make whatever arrangements that would make this the best for Ryan. Us two of course but especially for Ryan.

I could see Frank breathing out. During the short times I had known him it didn't seem like he cared for his son an awful lot. But something still told me he did and of course. I was one of those who knew what it meant to become a dad and all the love and care you felt looking into your child's eyes.

"Well…" I put my hands in my pockets. "Shall we go and get something to eat first." Frank still looked as insecure as he had two minutes ago. "I can pay. First things first- does Ryan have any diseases, medicines or allergies that we need to remember?"

 **Random fact**

What Frank says "itsy bitsy teenie weenie" is from a song. "starts humming" itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini. En prickig baddräkt där midjan är bar… oh… this was the Swedish version.

Such a guilty pleasure but hopefully I could give someone a laugh!


	24. The fathers and sons

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9 and "Guest" for reviewing.**

"So just like that, you told Mr. Atwood that we could take care of Ryan?"

I was standing by the kitchen counter along with my wife and I had just told her what I had told Frank Atwood.

"What did you want me to do? Throw the kid out from the hospital and down onto the street? The kid is getting out of the hospital in a couple of days. And he needs somewhere to go, he will still be in a lot of pain… I couldn't throw him out."

"No. But you could have asked him to take care of his own kid."

I sent Kirsten a meaning look. We both knew very well that Frances Atwood wasn't about to care for his own soon any time soon. And meanwhile he couldn't. Or the time he spent to be able to, we could take care for him as if he was our own son.

No matter what Kirsten would think when I came home and brought the news. She might not exactly like it at all. But she did have a soft heart somewhere in there and I knew very well if she had been in the hospital to answer to Mr. Atwood's wishes she would have given the exact same answer as I did.

"Well…" Kirsten rubbed her hands together. "Does Ryan have any allergies or any of that matter? Because if not, I'll go out and buy some new sheets and towels and tooth brushes and whatever else he would need."

"No."

I pretended I didn't know the fact that we already had more than enough of all of things and more.

"I was thinking we first decide where exactly he will be getting his own room. Because, obviously it's going to be hard for him getting up and down the stairs. But at the same time, the bedroom here downstairs doesn't give him the privacy as one room upstairs. Also, when I and Frank were talking to one of the nurses she said that the more we introduce Ryan to a normal life- such as walking in stairs or taking him grocery shopping, the better. Although those stairs might be a bit too much…"

"Well you can help him get down the stairs every morning and then up again every night. I'd like him to stay where we can keep an eye on him anyhow." I raised an eyebrow. "What? It's not like I'm thinking he will steel everything he gets his hands on. But as you know, he's hurt a lot worse than any of us from the wave. And it's easier for us to keep an eye on it this way."

"You're actually right."

"I'll sort out the room upstairs and get him some more clothes. What size is he?"

"Hey." For the first time since Ryan came back to California he sort of seemed interested when I came into his and Seth's hospital room. "So… I guess your dad told you then."

"That I will be staying with you until he's sorted things out… Well, yeah. I wasn't sure how to tell Seth though so he still doesn't know."

"Seth?" Seth sat with his mp3 player on and in his ears and hadn't heard what we had said until I spoke his name and showed him to pull the earphones out. "When you come out from the hospital Ryan will be staying with us for a while. I don't know for how long."

"Okay…" Seth didn't seem to bothered by it to say the least. "…awesome… well. Not awesome but…"

That was the first time I saw Ryan smile. When Seth sat smiling of a friend staying with us.

He didn't have a lot of friends. I could only imagines how he must be feeling at that moment even though he put his earphones back in and started playing music in.

"I guess he's okay with it."

Ryan glanced towards the dark- haired boy on the other side of the room. He was obviously hesitant about all of this. And I could never have blamed him for it. If it was me…

So instead of just sitting there and watching I decided to tell him what the plans were into more detail than what his dad would have been able to tell.

"I and Kirsten decided that it would be the best for you if you have one of the bedrooms upstairs. There is one downstairs that she and I use but it just wouldn't give you the same privacy as you'll have upstairs. One of us will help you get down in the morning and then up in the night. And if you need help with anything or anything from upstairs then you're free to tell any of us about it and if we can, we'll help you."

Ryan looked down on his leg, the half one as if wondering about what I said and what it would mean if he had a bedroom on the second floor.

"It will be okay… But are you sure… He doesn't say much so are you sure that Seth really wants to go through with this. Because I don't want to stay with you unless he thinks it's okay."

I looked back on Seth who was still listening to his music and couldn't hear. And remembered all of the times he had come home crying. All the times he had been sad and annoyed that no one wanted to be his friends.

"Of course he's okay with it. I think actually he's more than okay with it."

I couldn't understand how this could be anything but okay for any of the boys.

It was like something had changed with Ryan at the moment he knew he'd come home with us rather than his dad. For the first time he went out into the hospital hallways and then moved back and forth using the crutches until his hands were literally bleeding.

He was still barely eating enough for a boy his age. But no longer seemed like every bite grew in his mouth.

Of course I was happy there was something in his body and mind that wasn't worrying no more. But the knowing of what it could have been made something clench in my stomach. Whatever with going back to his dad made Ryan feel so nervous he could barely eat? And was that some tries to get to stay longer at the hospital?

Maybe if he had gotten to stay longer at the hospital someone would have found out something about his mum or brother before he came home…

…There was something about Frank Atwood that made me feel uneasy and me didn't want me to a person I cared for as much as I cared for Ryan to be with.

But I had a bad feeling about something. And it wasn't all about Ryan.

"Hey. Look who's home."

The day both Seth and Ryan came home Caleb was standing in the office and I sensed trouble once we came inside the doors.

"What do you want Caleb?"

The question sounded ruder than I had planned. But anything that could hurt my boys…

"I have to be here for my grandson coming home from the hospital, don't I?"

Caleb could seem like a nice man, but he seldom was and it turned out pretty exactly what his meaning to go here today was that Kirsten, behind Caleb nodded to Ryan behind me and Ryan, sensing the feeling the air crouched as much as he could holding onto the crutches.

"Hey Seth." When Caleb's biological grandson came up behind us with his whole arm in a cast and sling. "How is my grandchild today?"

Seth flinched when his granddad patted his shoulder. Something I had never seen him do before. And it seemed he only do it to get closer to Ryan to look the blonde up and down as if there were secrets he could tell only by looking at the boy.

"And what is your plan with this?"

Caleb took a step to the side. I would gladly have punched him right into the face, I knew them both well enough to know what Caleb was thinking and also was sure of how Ryan must be feeling right now. Just coming from the hospital and into a new home and his whole life having completely turned around and now grandpa Caleb.

"My plan with what?"

Ryan sounded shaky and insecure. Then swallowed through his thick throat while Caleb thought of an answer well enough

"Well, having children cost a lot of money. Now Ryan is coming home from the hospital there are a lot of things he's going to need, crutches, wheelchair or even a prosthetic leg so he can get around on his own. And of course that's nothing you want to have to pay for if you're already twisting and turning every dime to make the money last for rent and food… let alone fun drinks."

The last of what Caleb said was only a mumble and I wasn't sure what to say. Ryan sat on the couch right behind me and was red in the face.

"Look…" I said, more calmly than what I felt. "…I don't care what you think or believe. And I don't know whatever darn reason Mister Atwood had to ask for us to take Ryan in. But whatever it was it was freaking enough. And if you can't see that, then you might just as well leave my house."

Caleb looked around, Ryan seemed awkward but meanwhile Kirsten seemed to want to hit him in the face more than anything else. Caleb must have noticed, because instead of anything else he turned and walked out the door, mumbling something about what he needed to do.

"We'll have to go do some shopping and Seth is coming with me… So I guess that leaves you and Ryan. I hope you'll be okay here Ryan. And don't mind about what my dad says. He's just…"

"An asshole."

Seth finished the sentence when Kirsten couldn't find a word to. And honestly none of us had quite agreed on that word before he and Kirsten left the house and I went over to Ryan.

"Kirsten and Seth are correct about that, so don't worry about what Caleb thinks." Ryan didn't answer and I saw the answer on his face already before he had spoken up.

"Look. If there's something like he just said you have to pay- like food or crutches or whatever there is that I'm… I'll find a way to pay you back. And I don't care if that is this year or in ten years or twenty… I'll find a way."

"Don't worry about that." I patted his knee. "Would you like to go upstairs now or later?"

For me it was fine, but Ryan had a look on his face as he couldn't find anything more emberassing in his life.

"It's fine later."

"Then here." Ryan slumped down in the living room sofa and I moved over the remote controls for the TV and the games. "Kirsten and Seth are out for another while and I've got to do some work… Just on the subject of work…" I sat down at the edge of the sofa myself. Having forgotten all about my own job waiting in the office. "Do you have a dream for the future?"

"Not become like my dad…"

For a moment Ryan almost seemed ashamed of the answer he'd given. But I wasn't surprised of it for five seconds.

"I'd like to become… not become like my dad too when I was your age and still to this day. And I'm pretty sure Kirsten would think the same. So I think you just gave the best and the most truthful answer. But if…. If there's a certain job you always wanted? Do you want to be a nurse after all the time you've spent in hospital?"

"No." Ryan sighed. "I'd like to be an architect."

"Architect?" I gave a nod. "That's not bad.. plus, if you want to become an aritect you'll have plenty of enough money to pay us back."

I smirked to let him know I was only joking. Then felt bad for what I had said and knowing Ryan thought it was anything else than funny.

"Look. Ryan. I promise you. You don't have to worry about anything while you're here. If there's anything you need and want then just tell me or Kirsten and we'll see what we can do about it. But for now… do you like Pizza, kebabs or burgers best?"

 **Random fact**

I would gladly have been the one to punch Caleb in the face when he says those things about Ryan. Is he really so uncapable of loving someone he hates to take it out on his child and grandchildren like that…


	25. The first night

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9 for reviewing.**

 **In the firsts season of the O. C. a maid named Rosa was briefly mentioned. I don't think she has been in this story yet but I thought I'd bring her in.**

 **This chapter involves food poisoning of a very bad kind. If you can't deal with reading about things like vomit or diarrhea then you probably shouldn't read this chapter. If you can deal with it then well… Enjoy as much as you can!**

"I'm guessing it will feel good finally sleeping in your own bed again."

When making the sheets for Ryan during the first night at ours there actually wasn't much he could do to help. And if he had it probably wouldn't take more time. Time that he could no longer fight his eyes open because I had noticed how tired he had seemed the last few hours.

"Yeah… Hospital beds are good, and hotel beds too… But your own bed… Anyway. I know I won't be staying here forever."

"But you will be staying here for as long as you need and want." I gestured to the pile of Harry Potter books and movies that Seth had gotten and put on the bedside table for him. "Do you want me to keep the lamp on so you can read?"

"No…" Ryan shook his head, he seemed quite pale to me but then, so would anyone be with what had been going on. "…I think I'm just going to… well. I'm a bit tired." Ryan took the crutches and slowly took them and the support of me and his one leg to sit down on the bed. "But… thank you for helping out. This would have taken hours otherwise."

"No need to thank me. I'm just doing what any decent, adult person would do. And as you already know, Kirsten likes shopping. Would you like to put your clothes into the wardrobe yourself or do you want help?"

The thought only passed by that other people might be thinking I was only fussing with a boy who was as much as eleven years old. And that they would never treat their sons the same. But then of course, their eleven-year old's had two legs and hadn't been through what Ryan had been.

"I will do it myself… but if you don't mind. I think I'll do it tomorrow."

"It's your room. You do things your way as long as you keep it in here and tell us the truth about it if you must. Now that goes for things as drinking, drugs or any trouble really."

"What would you do if I did anything like that?"

"Well. We might get angry, we might ground you or put you on a chore like doing the dishes…" Ryan was waiting for an answer in certain. "We're not going to hit you or lock you in or anything of that matter…" I laid my hand on his shoulder. "Never ever, not in this house. Do you hear me?"

Ryan just looked back at me and didn't answer verbally. But I knew for sure he wasn't going to believe me until he'd seen it himself.

"We're not… Now, you just have to shout if you need anything. I and Kirsten will be just downstairs and Seth right on the other side of the wall. Do you want the door left open?" Ryan hesitated, then shook his head. "Okay, goodnight."

"Night."

The voice behind me was low and hoarse as if Ryan wasn't used to any greets like that. Also, I was pretty sure he wasn't used to that so however much he spent living at ours I was going to make sure what a life with a family like this could be.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah…" When I came into the kitchen Kirsten stood leaned against the kitchen counter and I hurried over and felt her forehead. "I don't have a temperature or anything. I'm just tired and that certainly isn't strange. I haven't been able to catch a break since I don't know when… Is Ryan okay? Was all of those things I got him of the right sizes and kinds."

"They were fine." I kissed the top of her head and felt a small smile form on my lips. "Ryan is fine. Seth's watching Harry Potter for the millionth time… Now, we don't have to do anything else than resting. As you say, there hasn't been much time for that lately. Barely any in fact… The bed is standing right across the hallway."

Kirsten smiled and giggled like a teenage girl. We then gave some goodnights to our son before I laid my arm around Kirsten's shoulder and lead her towards our shared bedroom and bed.

"I'm sorry if you're disappointed now sandy." Kirsten sat down on the bed. "Whatever you want right now… I'm just so tired I can't… I just can't…"

"Hey." I tenderly laid a hand on her cheek and then kissed her lips. "We don't have to do anything. And I'm fine with that because your health is more important than anything. Now, arms up."

Kirsten obeyed and as tenderly as I possibly could I grabbed her shirt and pulled it off. And then, while she undressed otherwise I took one pyjamas shirt of hers and pulled the piece of fabric, soft and smelling nicely from all the laundry machines it had been in, and pulled it over her head before I quickly got my own clothes off and threw them into a corner before crawling into bed.

"You know I don't like it when you do that." Kirsten mumbled tiredly. "Now we'll only have to ake care of that laundry in the morning."

"Don't worry." I laid down in the bed and laid my arm around her shoulders, and Kirsten leaned against my chest. "It won't go anywhere, we can sort it out tomorrow…"

I expected Kirsten to answer, but she didn't, quickly she had fallen asleep and I kissed the top of her hair and closed my eyes before I knew I was fading away.

And then I suddenly threw them open away, it felt like no time had passed by but the clock on the bedside table told me otherwise. I thought at first there was a noise, then I realized I must have woken up from Kirsten rolling away from me and took my own quilt and gave hers around hers.

I rested and kept my eyes and ears open for a few seconds, then turned on my other side to fall asleep when I heard the noise again and quickly got up when I heard it was someone getting sick. I sent a quick glance to the clock doing so- half past two in the morning, poor thing!

"Ryan?" I peaked through the door to the upstairs bathroom. "Are you okay?"

It was a stupid question! On the floor by the toilet sat Ryan on his knees and expelling anything he'd eaten the last he had eaten going up the same way as it comes.

"Hey…" Ryan couldn't take a second to look up so I went over and sat down on the edge of the bathtub laying a palm against his back as he heaved forward again. "It's okay… it's okay. Just try to breath… try and take a deep breath."

Ryan took about half a breath in before he lurched forward again and heaved several more times without being able to catch his breath.

"It's okay, it's okay." I stroke my hand over his back. "It's okay."

He gripped so hard around the porcelain toilet ring his knuckles had whitened. If I could have just taken everything he was feeling and do it myself…

Ryan's situation wasn't exactly made any better when, at the same second as he'd finished heaving spit phlegm into the bowl and we both heard the door to Seth's room open and he appeared in the doorway.

"Whass gone on?"

I hesitated for a few moments looking to Ryan who had fallen to the side sprawled on the floor next to the toilet.

"I think Ryan's got a stomach flu of some kind." I went back and tried to remember what we had eaten for dinner. "I'm guessing food poisoning from that pizza."

"Is it contagious?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. Those guys at Pedro's have been in trouble before for having goods that hasn't been cooked or kept as it should. It's a miracle they have gotten to stay open."

Seth nodded agreeing, but looked worriedly to the blonde that had sat up leaning against the wall, pale and looking more grey and green than his usual skin color.

"I think we're going to go out into the pool house." I mumbled, more to myself and at the at the first idea than anything else. "That way we won't wake up Seth or Kirsten and we can get more privacy. Seth?" My wild- haired, tired son nodded slightly. "There are some bags here with clothes here that your mother bought today. Can you take them out into the pool house with any other clothes you find in the wardrobe here. Don't worry about sorting out anything, I'll do that. Just a second. Can you get up on your own?"

Very stupid question, if Ryan was to jump all over to the stairs, down the stairs and to the pool house in this state it would take us hours. And where he laid, exhausted on the bathroom floor he could do it less than ever.

"Come here." I lifted him up as if he'd been light as a feather and passed my and Kirsten's room on the way out. "Kirsten?" I tried almost whispering but realizing there was no one I had to whisper for. "KIRSTEN?"

"M…." She looked up drowsily and confused. "What? Ryan? Are you okay?"

"Can you take all sheets you find and take them out in the pool house…." I hesitated for a second, then felt the sweaty form of a boy in my boy in my arms. "I think we're going to need every change we can get."

"Are you sure you need so many?"

I just raised an eyebrow at Kirsten who seemed tired and drowsy but still got up. I just had a feeling about this and with Seth both her and I had seen stomach flu's that were perfectly enough to know what was coming.

Ryan moaned slightly when I laid him down carefully down on the unused sheets in the pool- room- bed. But for the moment he was looking nervously around him and put a hand over his mouth.

"The bathroom is over there."

Ryan hurried right past me on one leg and a crutch and Seth and Kirsten who had come with some things. I started following but heard the door locking after he threw it closed behind him I decided there was no point with it anyway if the door was locked.

"Thanks guys." I took the pile of sheets the others had brought and ruffled in Seth's hair- he seemed half asleep. "Now go back to sleep."

Ryan came moaning out from the bathroom and I grabbed the bucket from the trash under the sink, he stumbled back to the bed for just a moment before he, green in the face turned to the bucket again.

He accidentally rolled out of the bed when leaned to the side his leg hit the floor hard. And I could barely imagine how painful that was upon leaning against the bucket and heaving forward with every move.

"There there…" I kneeled by him and took a grip of the edge of the bucket before he'd knocked it right over and laid the other hand on his back and started rubbing it up and down. "It's okay… No, don't try to swallow it. Just let it out and you'll feel loads better."

Every move seemed stiff and hard to make when Ryan could finally stop heaving and turn where he sat still panting.

"Finished?" He hesitated, then nodded. "Well, get back in bed and I'll clean this out."

I sent a glance over the sheets, they were still somewhat clean, maybe they wouldn't be so in a couple of hours

Wasn't I right about asking Seth and Kirsten to bring all the clothes and sheets they could find? Before the dawn had broken during Ryan's first night with us I had soon lost my count on how many times I had changed the sheets and lied out new clothes for when Ryan came out of the bathroom. The first few times he had tried to shower before to get away the worst of stains. But soon he stopped trying and just came after a few minutes, pulled clean clothes on and then fell into clean sheets, clutching his stomach.

Only to jump up and hurry for the bathroom minutes later.

Once or twice he didn't have time to get to the bathroom and vomited right over the sheets. By that point there wasn't even a point with shoving the bucket under him- they were already covered and Ryan still looked at me with an apologetic look.

"It's okay." I rubbed his back as soon as he was finished. "Just get up and I'll change the sheets."

That night I did enough of looking away and breathing through my mouth while carrying laundry to and from the house and to the pool house. And then once more, and once more again.

"You do know…" Kirsten met me when she was home for lunch the day after Ryan had gotten ill. "…Now when Ryan is living here and everything that's going on. I was told by Taryn that one good idea was to hire a maid. Just… for a day every week or every day or so… If we have laundry like we do now someone like that could help us."

I glared at her, as if the lot of us didn't feel bad enough already without her rich friends' comments and suggestions.

"I know, I know. But think about it at least. And… we could need some help with cooking so we don't end up here again. How's Ryan?"

"Terrible." I searched through the trash in search of the pizza boxes and easily found the spiced one Ryan had asked for. Then, ignoring the fact that it had laid in the trash smelled and tasted it before I grimaced before I spit it out. "Yeah, there's something wrong with that meat."

I threw the carton on the kitchen counter to be able to take it back to the restaurant later. Then reached into one of the cupboards and took a glass of water for myself before anything else.

"We could need some things for the pool house, like- glasses, plates, cutlery. Can you sort that out you think?" Kirsten looked on me with her usual shopping- expression. "Right now there are none, but we could bring in things that are here."

"Don't worry about those. We use those already."

I gave a smile and took another glass and a jug with water. When I came back into the pool house there certainly wasn't any reasons to smile. For just a second I saw the bed empty, and the next second the bathroom door open, and the third second seeing Ryan sitting hands and knees on the floor.

Quickly, while Ryan kept heaving and vomit scattered down onto the floor when I kneeled next to him and rubbed his back. Ryan's heaving had turned dry and into bile only hours ago. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him when I saw the painful grimacing and he clutched his stomach again. Meanwhile I also ignored seeing new stains of diarrhea coming on the back of his underwear and down his legs. He was embarrassed enough without me commenting on it.

With one last heave he couldn't bring anything up, then for several moments he couldn't move. Before I was able to support him to go into the bathroom, and as his arms were supported on me I pulled his shorts down before he could sit down on the toilet, his whole body trembling as in a seizure.

"I'm so sorry."

Ryan's plead was half whimpering and half whispering, the only thing he could get from his aching stomach and burning throat as he leaned forward and put his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees, I put the bucket in between his feet so he'd have it close and then rubbed his shoulder.

"Ryan… It's okay. You're ill and then these things happen. You have nothing to be sorry about. You have nothing to embarrassed about."

I would have liked to continue. But there was nothing left to say, and Ryan started heaving again.

"I'll go clean up. You don't worry about a thing."

I didn't leave Ryan's side once more during the next twelve hours and more. But I didn't want him to feel watched so had taken a book with me. But keeping an eye more on Ryan than the book at all times. And still going up and down every time Ryan hurried to the bathroom. And then, finally at last- after midnight some time twenty four hours off sleep while Ryan was covered in old sweat and I was starting to realize we were running out of clean laundry.

"Mhm." I rubbed my eyes waking up in a chair soar and stiff from sleeping sitting up I looked up and first thing I saw was Ryan, now trying to sit up. "Hey…" I flew on my feet and before any of us having done anything else I felt his forehead. "Look who's back amongst the living. I think your temperature's gone down. How are you feeling?"

"A bit better."

Ryan clutched his stomach again but it wasn't in the same, panicking way he had done all night and day yesterday.

"Here." I poured up a glass of water from the jug I had taken in here yesterday. "Drink some, slowly."

Well, so much for slowly. Ryan more or less poured it down his throat all at once.

"Well… After all of that I can't say else that I'd be thirsty too. Kirsten went out and bought some things yesterday- I think some ginger ale might help to cool your stomach down than any real food. What do you say?" Ryan hesitated, then gave a slight nod. "Wait here…"

I had closed the blinds for nobody else to be able to see from the kitchen right into the pool house so I was hit right by the morning sunshine stinging my eyes and the kitchen light quite nice.

"Look who's back…" Kirsten stood in the kitchen as if she hadn't moved from yesterday. "How's Ryan?"

"Still terrible. My Gosh, when it hits him it hits him hard. He had it coming out both ends I don't know how many times last night."

"Thanks for the information. "

"You're welcome… Now the last thing I can remember is my eyelids being so, so heavy. And that was some hours ago so I'm going to check if he can keep some liquid down. If not, then I'll call the hospital. Geez, I've never seen a child- or any person this sick."

Kirsten nodded agreeing when I poured up a glass of Schweppe's before going back. And this time Ryan actually did as he was told and drank slowly and in small sips.

"Why are you doing this?" Ryan asked all of a sudden, I was so unprepared for the question I didn't quite understand it. "The last twenty-four hours I have literally vomited, peed and pooed on the bed, on you, on the floor, on myself… And you've been there through everything… Why are you still here?"

Ryan wiped his still sweaty forehead and looked down in his glass when I patted his knee.

"Your parents, wouldn't they have been here?"

I had a feeling nobody else had been before. And that the sentence that came next was planned and forced.

"Any of them would have left in an instant when I started throwing up…. Sorry. I'm still so feverish I didn't know what I was thinking. Maybe I can have a shower. Should I clean out the bathroom…" He looked down and fingered on the bandage around his leg. "…Well. There's really no point with keeping this on, it's falling off."

"It is… We have some new bandages and instructions we got from the hospital. So you have a shower, change your clothes- and then we can worry about the rest. And meanwhile I will call that Goddamn restaurant."

Gratefulness was shining from Ryan's eyes when he got up and took a crutch and then slowly made his way back into the bathroom, this time having enough time afterwards to close and lock the door after him- point taken and I walked back into the house where I grabbed my phone and quickly dialed the number to Pedro's…

"Pedro's pizza this is Pedro how can I help you?"

"This is dad- Sandy Cohen. And you darn well ain't going to help me, or anyone else with anything ever again. We had your food last evening and since then my son has been sick like never before in food poisoning. And I bet you, this dad will not give up until you are sued on everything you own and your restaurant completely closed down."

Without anything else I hung up angrily. And with that shoved the phone down on the kitchen counter and took a few, panting breaths.

"I'm your son."

I suddenly heard Seth right behind me and flinched and turned around.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm your son… You just called your son."

I thought back to what I had said in the phone and realized that Seth was right.

"It was just too complicated to get into it… And only because Ryan is here now Seth. It doesn't mean you're my son any less… Now, if you don't mind I'm all yucky in old sweat and you can imagine what else. So I'm going to take a shower… My Gosh I'm longing for that shower now."

 **Random fact**

I had the idea for this chapter when I was lying in my bed half asleep. That's when I have my best and craziest ideas.


	26. The watching

**Thanks to two guests for reviewing.**

 **Guest, reviewing Apr 10  
** Poor Ryan. Sandy is finding out things Ryan"s as ashamed of about his life that are as humiliating as being sick, hurt, vulnerable and dependent for help for the simplest things. **  
Answer from Linneagb  
** Sandy's great, isn't he? I get Seth and Kirsten's reactions to though. And them two will be taking a bigger part in this story from now.Thank you for reading and reviewing.

 **Guest reviewing Apr 16  
** Heartbreaking for Ryan, as if he already wasn't in a bad way that has changed him and his life forever. Dependent on strangers and not knowing what's next would be terrible for anyone no matter what else is involved. **  
**Kirsten isn't exactly stepping up and now the way Seth has been spoiled and center of attention can't be good.  
At least Sandy is being kind, gentle and doing the decent thing. It means he's getting attached quickly. He also knows that none of this is Ryan's fault or in his control.  
 **Answer from Linneagb  
** Poor Ryan indeed, Sandy's great, isn't he? I don't think Neither Seth nor Kirsten is trying to act rudely by any means. And while Sandy was there in Thailand too during the very worst they weren't. Seth never had to share his parents' attention with anyone and Kirsten is just insecure about everything after everything that's been happening. I do understand them both but of course it's more than frustrating for Ryan and Sandy. Thank you for reading and reviewing.

 **Here we go with the next chapter. Like I thought, by finishing some stories it's easier to keep the ones left updated regularly.**

 _My son, I had called Ryan my son._

I would always have so much to do with work and everyone that needed to be kept happy around us there weren't many places and moments I got to myself and for just thinking. For just showing I locked the door and made sure there wasn't anyone who knocked on the door and needed my attention.

It hadn't worked lately though, as soon as I had the water running down on me I was back in the wave.

This time I hadn't exactly had time to fade into that though. There was only one thing that kept on playing over and over in my mind. Two actually, having called Ryan my son and Seth's reaction to it.

It wasn't that I was blaming Seth for being jealous, he was perfectly allowed to be. God knows how many times I and Lucien had been terribly jealous of something the other had and still there was only a year and a half in between us, so none of us could remember a life without the other.

For Seth and Ryan there was a different story, Seth was eleven, even though he'd always wished for a brother or sister he had been used to having all of my and Kirsten's attention. Ryan on the other hand had been used to getting none, coming into a house full of strangers.

And it wasn't like any of us had been planning to have it like this- I couldn't throw a kid out on the street whatever my son or wife thought about it.

I would have liked to sat down with them all three one and one to talk about this. But what was there to say that hadn't been said already? What was there that just couldn't be put into words?

I sighed when I turned the water off and reached for the towel I had laid right outside. It had been only a few days and most of that time Ryan had spent chucking his guts up, whatever happened next could be dealt with once we'd all started getting used to things.

"Well, there you are." When I came out from the bathroom Ryan stood by the stove with a frying pan. "What are you making?"

"Just an omelet…" He answered as if he was doing something he knew he shouldn't have. "I hope that's okay."

"No…" I said, ironically and holding up my hands so there was absolutely no way he would take me seriously. "…How dare you stand by our stove and make an omelet?... No… If you can literally stomach anything to eat then it's great." I picked up a cola from the fridge. "Here, take this too. If you're a better cook than that one it's great." I said with a smirk towards Kirsten. "Mi casa es su casa or something like that." Ryan just raised an eyebrow at me. "It just mean that whatever is in this kitchen is free for you to use. Things in the whole house are free to use as long as you don't go into anyone else's bedroom without permission. It's just common sense really. What are you searching for?"

"Salt." Ryan was going through all the cupboards, from where he was standing it couldn't have been so simple and I picked the salt out and put it by the stove. "You need it, so just use as much as you can… You can go to bed if you want to."

"No…" Ryan yawned again. "Then I'll just mess up my whole sleeping and wake up at two in the morning and it'll take months before I'm back at it. So… maybe some food will help… I'm not a great fan of coffee though."

I was just turning the kettle on, no. What eleven-year-old would be? Ryan seemed happy with the fizzy drink I'd given him and had had enough of that caffeine. It looked quite the same but tasted very different- even I had to admit that cola tasted a whole lot better than coffee.

When Ryan started searching the cupboards again I picked up a plate for him myself and laid the cutlery on the table. He sent me a sort of grateful look and left the frying pan on the stove as he put even more salt on the eggs when he had it on the plate.

"You can take some if you want."

"I'm good."

"What about you Seth?" My son just came into the kitchen, I would not have asked him if I was Ryan… "Do you want some?" Ryan gestured to the pan that was still more than half full.

"Cool. How much can I take?"

"Help yourself."

I knew pretty much what Seth was doing, and was proved correctly when Seth took everything that was left in the pan I was about to ask him if he couldn't have left some more for the other. But seeing Ryan nibble on every little bite he took and seeing how every bite grew in his mouth, I couldn't help but to feel sort of grateful he had taken away all the other food Ryan would have tried and force down his throat.

It wasn't so simple I could have just said it though. Maybe I could tell at least Seth some years from now…

"Maybe…" They were finished at about the same time and Seth was about the first one to make a conversation that wasn't thick and awkward. "Have you ever played any video games?" Ryan shook his head. "What? They're like the best thing since sliced bread. You'll have to play some. Come on, I'll show you." Seth more or less jumped to his feet, Ryan reached for his crutches and by the noise Seth hesitated and seemed to realize what he was doing wrong. "I'm sorry. I didn't think about that you're… moving slowly because of your current state."

Seth sure had a way with choosing the… honestly very correct words. I could have scolded him for it but he wasn't wrong, and on Ryan I couldn't see only that he thought it was alright. But also an almost smile passing by as if he was amused.

"Well…" I heard Seth taking one of the controles that I and Kirsten were always annoyed lied on the sofa instead of the table. "I would show you how to play. But there aren't any games that can be played with only one hand." There was silence for a few seconds and I could almost hear the way Seth was trying to continue the conversation about one thing he loved more than anything else. "Hold on." I could hear Seth take up the control and show something to Ryan before I heard more movement and the x-box was turned on. "I'll hold it like this, and press this button. And you just press that button and then we go." I heard the video game being turned on. And… NOW… now, push it again, again, again. Faster, faster, faster. No… No, ugh! We're dead!"

I couldn't help but laugh to myself. All wondering about how Kirsten and Seth would sort of accept Ryan was here and Seth only needed some video games.

Kirsten would probably not be so easy though.

I wasn't going to give in so easily though, for Ryan's sake I just couldn't. And new things I needed to do or say suddenly turned up all the time.

Even when I just saw Kirsten come up into the kitchen this time I couldn't help but wonder if there was anything I could say in this very now that would turn around her insecurity about Ryan and Frank and everything.

"Why are you just standing there? Did you move at all while the boys ate?"

I was about to answer Kirsten no when I realized that was exactly what I'd been doing. And I looked down into my coffee cup and saw it had turned all cold when I'd left it be.

"I was wondering…" Kirsten began. And I could just hear there was something that I'd been more or less waiting for. "Have we heard anything from Mr. Atwood since the moment he came to ask if we could take care of Ryan."

"Oh." The question threw me off a bit. "No… but then… I guess I was thinking. This could be made easier and so one of us wouldn't have to go back and forth all the way to meet up. I thought about this already but forgot to mention it. I was just thinking that if Frank had a cellphone we could get in touch with him without having to go all the way out to Chino every time."

"You want to buy him a phone?"

"Well…" There was really only one answer to this. "Yes."

This wouldn't be about making Kirsten more and more insecure. I could see on her she wanted to be as far away from Frank as possible. But one had to admit that being able to reach him without going the whole way back and forth would make this whole moment easier.

"Well… we don't have to decide about that with even talking to Ryan." I smiled at the noise of he and Seth playing video games, shouting and cheering, obviously they had learn to do things now. "And… After everything… I think we should wait until in the morning." I sighed tiredly. "When both I and him are completely awake."

The third night Ryan spent with us he asked to be able to spend the night in the pool house. He seemed as embarrassed as he had the last forty eight hours. But if I had just gone through the same food poisoning as he had I would have wanted to be close to the bathroom too- especially not a whole store of a stair with one leg.

But then also was finally one night when I wasn't back in the wave as soon as I closed my eyes. But little did I know how Ryan laid only a few meters away from me, throwing himself back and forth on the bed, then forcing his eyes open by the light and with a glass of water and ginger ale after the other. If he fell asleep then he'd be the one who was back…

Say how many nights would it take before things started working out more normally. By the fourth night I was back again.

" _SETH." I shouted being dragged by the roaring water all around. "KIRSTEN."_

 _As I shouted their names I was pulled back, down into the water again, when I tried to shout again my lungs filled with dirty water and I couldn't do else then to kick and hit to get up again. Up towards the surface._

 _But which direction was the surface?_

 _Suddenly I could breathe again when I was hit up by something and broke through the surface._

" _KIRSTEN?" I yelled the first thing I did. "SETH?"_

"Se…" I had started mumbling in my sleep too and flinched awake. I wasn't in the water anymore but soaking with sweat, then also about flew when I noticed there was someone standing by my bed. "Seth? Did you have a nightmare?"

"That too." He looked at me in a distressed kind of way. "But that's okay. The more important thing is that Ryan's gone."

"What…" I rubbed my eye tiredly. "No he's not. He's in his bed. Go back to yours"

"No. I mean it. I can't find him. He's not in his room and he's not in mine, but he's not downstairs either. And I looked in the pool house too but he's not there."

"Why did you look there?" Kirsten moaned. "His room is supposed to be private."

"Yeah, but the door was opened… And then I started wondering and I can't find him anywhere."

"Wait?" I rose myself on my elbows. "You really can't find him?"

"Not in the pool house and not in his room and not in the bathroom."

I threw myself out of bed and I heard my wife doing the same behind me as I hurried up the stairs.

"Ryan?" I checked in his room, just like Seth had said I found it empty, so I ran straight into Seth's room as if there was anyone to find there. "Ryan? Check the living room." I was talking to my wife and son meanwhile and hoped for my life that one of them would shout about having found him while I searched through the kitchen and our room as if Ryan would have been hiding in a cupboard or under the bed. "RYAN?... RYAN?"

I couldn't help but start yelling, and could see too the panicked look in Kirsten's eyes while she tried not to think about all the lands that were connected to this building. She herself had gone outside and started searching down the roads in each direction. Now she met by me in the kitchen.

"I'll check the pool house again." Seth mumbled and ran outside the back door.

"He's a boy." I said, more securely than I felt. "Sometimes those make crazy plans and then disappear like this in the middle of the night only to come back in the morning before everyone's woken up. I bet you anything Ryan has made a bet with that Clark he shared a hospital room with. I knew that boy was trouble."

"You don't believe that yourself."

"No… I don't think Ryan's the kid who'd do something like that."

I could feel my heart beating hard as I walked over to the window where I could see the ocean. Wherever on this earth could this boy had disappeared to? And why had he wanted to? Maybe he just wanted to get out to get some air but then there was- or rather, not his leg and he might fall and hurt himself.

Should I drive somewhere? Was there anywhere in certain he could have disappeared to?

Seth came running back from the pool house and he had a look of relief on his face that made me breathe out even before he said anything.

"He's in the pool house. I checked again, he was just in the bathroom."

I more or less fell back into the sofa by relief. And by me I could see Kirsten sinking into the sofa right next to me.

"You care for him…" I said while Seth went to go back to bed. "…No matter how you'd like not to show him I know you care about Ryan more than words could tell."

"Of course I care for him." Kirsten said back to me with an annoyed tone as if she wouldn't have admitted it if what just happened hadn't happened. "I care for anyone that's important for you or for Seth."

"It's more than just that and you just don't want to admit it."

I could feel a slight smile turn up on my lips. It was careful, almost if I smiled too big then something would go wrong again.

"I'll talk to Ryan in the morning. Whatever reason he had of going outside it was probably simpler than we expected. And besides, in this house or not. He's not a little baby or a toddler we need to keep our eyes on 24/7. Even thought it scared the hell out of both me and you to have him just disappearing like that though."

Kirsten suddenly sighed, I could see why- Ryan seemed to be the only one I ever talked about nowadays and even I was starting to see it started to seem like an obsession.

Then before I had said anything Kirsten continued herself.

"I think you were right in that idea with a cellphone for Frank. But go to Chino and ask him about it before anything else, and don't get him the most expensive kind. I have a nasty feeling that if he gets that he might sell it to have money for… who can tell what?"

"Ryan. Ryan could tell what… But in the morning."

"Mhm." Kirsten mumbled. "Goodnight."

With that she left me lying on the sofa that suddenly seemed awfully cold when she'd left. I turned the TV on, by this time of night it wasn't exactly showing anything but I got stuck on a boring series that I'd watched about a thousand times before.

I would think I could never relax enough to fall asleep. But with the boring old actors and series from God knows what century playing in front of me my eyelids just went too heavy and closed by themselves. And with that and the TV still on I drifted off and fell asleep.

 **In the series, when Kirsten wasn't so sure about Ryan. He did make an omelet, right?**

 **I guess some things are mostly fillers. But we needed them done to go on with the rest of the story and all of it makes sense if you think about it. Even Seth and Ryan will get used to the life they'll have together under one roof. m**

 **Random fact**

This way Ryan disappears is actually based on reality. I had gone into my parents' bedroom because thunder was really bad and I'm afraid of it. And then dad went to the bathroom and came back saying he couldn't find my brother. We don't have a pool house but we do have a small house in our garden… well, in the garden we used to have before we moved. You get it, but he'd looked there. Two young people had recently disappeared in other parts of town and they both were found dead so this couldn't happen on a worse time.

Dad would say that (even though it wouldn't have been like my brother) boys do make plans like going out at night and being back before dawn. But then at last he went back into the house in the garden and came back stating he had probably not looked properly enough the first time because my brother was there all along.

So, that's where that storyline came from.


	27. The not going home

**Thanks to dixie f. 9 and all guests for reviewing. Here on top are answers to reviews.**

 **There are some answers to reviews at first, there will be a chapter underneath it haha.**

 **First guest, reviewed April 23d**

Kirsten not so sure about Ryan is pretty much a major understatement. I think she said about 3 years later that he was her worst nightmare. She wanted nothing to do with him and wanted him out of her house ASAP. I never really got the sense that she wasn't distant. She had a couple of random, very rare moments, but for the most part, she gave the impression of allowing him to stay for Sandy's sake and maybe to keep Seth from going to boarding school, which was totally unfair to Ryan and only fed what Ryan saw as his job to be Seth's employee mostly.  
In this case, I have to also wonder that if Ryan can't play video games or whatever Seth wants to do, that Seth really won't being having it. It's all conditional and Ryan has no voice or rights and doesn't expect to.  
I'm not sure why Seth was looking for Ryan in the middle of the night, and don't really care about Seth anyway. It seems he's violating the rules that Sandy stated to Ryan about privacy, not that Ryan believes he should have any at all or can do anything but whatever he's told.  
I was surprised about the pool house as a room, since it makes him more of an outsider, like he was in the series and that was because Kirsten didn't want him in her house. It does make sense that there are no stairs, but he's a kid and he's separated. I know that part of the reason for him is that he's up either sick or having horrible flashbacks and nightmares that will have to haunt him for a long time, as in years. He already knows he's a burden.  
In the series, Ryan made breakfast to say thank you for intruding and making Kirsten so upset and to just try to thank Sandy. He wasn't trying to win her over or change her. He was leaving like she wanted. When she came into the kitchen and saw him, he was making bacon to go with the rest of the spread and that's one of her favorites. She didn't know what to say. I'm guessing she was surprised and I hope ashamed at least a little.  
I'm glad that Sandy is so concerned about Ryan and really cares about him, not just out of pity and not only because he can't put him on the street or leave him at the mercy of his father. There's a chance for a real special bond there.  
Thanks for writing more.

 **Answer from Linneagb:** I really never got the picture Kirsten would have felt so badly about Ryan. Maybe at the start, but after Dawn was there and she had to understand that Ryan was there to stay. But obviously she is a person who doesn't let people in, literally or mentally just like that. And that might make her seem colder than what she actually is.  
Well, it wouldn't be able for Ryan and Seth to live under the same roof and hate each other or not talk to each other at all. And they won't bond over gardening, butterflies or teddy bears of a certain kind. And Seth had the idea of video games- which means a lot to him. He isn't forcing or making Ryan do something even though he, of course. Being Ryan and wants to please- he likes video games a lot too.  
I don't know if you noticed, but nobody made Ryan go out into the pool house. He has heard from Sandy that he isn't a burden but still feels like one and needs to get away on his own and into a private space and therefore he goes out there. He's certainly a child but just to go across the yard isn't hard. Even though it's in the middle of the night and with crutches. More about this and why Seth noticed will be explained in this chapter. Although, as you might have understood by the ending A/N in the last chapter that storyline was put there as a similar story of what happened with my brother. And I thought it suited.  
Oh… Hmmm. I'll have to make that breakfast work somehow. Maybe I should have looked it up more…  
Sandy's just the cutest. But of course he can't kick Ryan out on the street or leave him with Frank. It causes problems then of course, it will be more in the future that Seth becomes jealous of the attention. But yes, he's been the center of his parents' attention so why wouldn't he be jealous and angry? So would I. But him being jealous isn't because or about Ryan becoming his employee or doing anything wrong. I think you'll have to wait and see some. But Ryan will too form a special bond with Seth as he does with Sandy.  
Thank you for your review. I hope I could answer all of your questions. And some answers will also be explained in this chapter already.

 **Second guest, reviewed April 24** **th** **  
**The thing about a spoiled kid who has always gotten his own way is that he's only happy when he's the center of attention and he's getting his own way. Ryan is a people pleaser. He's had to be or else. Now he feels like he has to please Kirsten to find a way so that she doesn't want him gone or isn't as cold. The thing is that's up to her and there's no undoing a rough start. The awkwardness and doubts will always be there for Ryan. Any kid would be very insecure and at a disadvantage. He really has reasons to be. Ryan also would think that doing whatever Seth wanted would be part of pleasing Kirsten and keeping Seth happy, which would make things less likely to be worse for Ryan. He might not be able to figure so much that's different and strange out, but he can tell what he has to do to earn his keep. He probably feels that the only way to repay Sandy is to make the family happy, whatever that is, and not be trouble because he's damaged and was dumped there. Poor kid.  
I didn't think that he had gone anywhere. How could he? He's in no shape. He also has nowhere to go and he wouldn't throw Sandy's kindness back in his face. I was glad at how concerned and even scared Sandy was. It shows real attachment beyond being blamed for something happening to someone else's child on his watch. It was just about Ryan.  
 **Answer from Linneagb:** Seth always has been spoiled, being an only child so being the only one who's there to get his parents' attention. He's also had his whole life having trouble making friends so his parents and other family has literally been the only ones there, which of course makes it's hard for him now there's suddenly someone else and it's really suddenly. Seth certainly doesn't do anything for attention to be mean, but one has to remember he's just a child after all, several years younger than he was in the series. And it does make sense both himself and Kirsten are insecure since Sandy was around when they went around searching for their families and have literally gone through things along with Ryan longer and literally not doing things with him.  
There's only been a few days so far, all of this will need some getting used to it. Unfortunately, they've all been thrown right into it and haven't really had time to sort the thoughts out about this before they're in the middle of this.  
I think the fact that Ryan's in no shape of getting away was a part of why Sandy absolutely freaked out. But I also put that storyline there, like I said a similar thing happened with me, my parents and my brother. It was a dark and stormy night… Thank you for reviewing.

 **Third guest- review, reviewed April 25** **th** **  
**I feel so sorry for Ryan. He's had to believe that he's a mistake and a burden so he has to do whatever he can not to bother anyone and have them waste time and energy on him. It's great to see Sandy genuinely caring for him and about him. It's about time Ryan has someone. Kirsten? I'm not convinced and I'm guessing that she's not cruel so she wouldn't force him to leave, but she'd go along for Sandy's sake.  
Thanks for continuing.  
 **Answer from Linneagb:** Yeah, I feel so sorry for Ryan the most but actually all of them. All of them has been through a trauma and experienced some major changes and have to get used to things while they're in the middle of it. But yeah, Ryan is experiencing, with feeling like a burden and his mum and brother being missing and stuff and… Wow! Kirsten isn't cruel, I think she's just a person who doesn't literally let people in close, neither mentally nor literally. And while it's going to take a bit of time, so is it going to take for all of them and they've all got different ways to deal with it. She would definitely not go along with this if it wasn't for Sandy.  
No way am I ever giving up on this story until it's finished. Thank you for reading and reviewing.

 **Dates on reviewing might be one day ahead. Since I'm in Sweden and a reeeeaaaally different time zone than America and even Great Britain.**

 **I now know I'd gotten it wrong where Ryan cooks one of the first days he lived with the Cohen's. But I'm pretty sure I can make that work somehow.**

" **Phew" Now that was a lot and long of answers to leave answers for. But now it's finished. And both I and you can finally get on with the chapter.**

When I woke up I immediately felt I was stiff and sore from lying on the couch all night.

The next thought that hit me was that Ryan had been missing at first before we found him in the pool house.

And the next hearing the balcony door carefully being opened and then crutches being placed on the floor.

"Ryan?" I flew up into sitting position but only was reminded of the position I'd slept half the night in. "Ow… and… we were wondering where you went tonight?" He suddenly looked frightened, as if I was on my way to hit him. "It's okay. It's fine."

"Seth came and talked to me all of a sudden."

"Here." I pulled one of the kitchen drawers out. "You've got notebooks and some pens and pencils. If you go anywhere during the night or need us to be quiet or anything like that. `Just write a note and we'll know where you are. If you're in the pool house then just write "pool house", it doesn't have to be anything more than that."

"I only went downstairs to get a glass of water. But then it took me like an hour only to get downstairs without making too much noise. So I didn't want to do even more with getting up. So I went into the pool house. I'm sorry… I was just so tired… I must have had a thought you understood where I was since I was there. I'm sorry… I should have just laid down on the couch or somewhere."

"No need to say you're sorry kid." I got up to help him with the breakfast. "Just please let us know. It doesn't matter if you come wake us open or something like that, got it?"

"Got it!"

"Good morning." Seth tiredly came stumbling down the stairs and glanced at the clock. "What are you doing at five in the morning… well, except for waking me up then?"

That he stated we'd woken him up reminded me of another thing. And without answering I asked him another question.

"I went through some rules we have in this house with Ryan yesterday. And I was wondering whether you was into Ryan's room? In the middle of the night? Or how come you knew it was empty?"

"The door was wide open, from the hallway I could see the bed was empty so I knocked on it. I was going to help you if there was anything. But then you weren't in the bathroom, or downstairs and I checked the pool house since you've been there sleeping. I thought you might be sick again. But you weren't. You'd just went outside, but I promise you dad. I didn't go a single step over the threshold into Ryan's room. I'm not supposed to go into somebody else's room. I know that. Of course."

Yes! Of course! But I did know Seth was usually terribly sneaky. I couldn't blame him for this if he hadn't even done anything wrong though.

"You should go back to bed." I told him when he rubbed his eyes. "Sorry we woke you up."

"You didn't…" Seth only barely opened his eyes and then nodded towards my and Kirsten's room. "Can I sleep in with mum or are you going back?"

"Of course you can, I'll be up… Do you want to go back to bed? Because you can if you want to."

"I don't really feel like it. But I can go back to the pool house if you… want me out of the house if you want to lie back on the couch and want me out of the house."

"Want you out of the house?" I questioned in distress. "Why would I want you out of the house?" Ryan shrugged and gave me a look as if he didn't know how to explain it but didn't want to go on and on. "I don't. I promise."

And there he decided to just change the subject, as if he didn't understand more than this.

"Seth has told me about them. I'd like to get caught up in the movies he's watched. Can I?"

"Yeah sure." I showed him into the living room. "But with low sound so we don't wake him up, or Kirsten for that matter. Actually… I like that movie too. I might just as well watch it too." I kneeled and turned it on and soon the first screen of Dumbledore was up and started.

Somewhere after that I flinched awake at the point when the movie went into the finished scenes with the students clapping and cheering for Gryffindor's cup win.

I glanced towards the clock that now showed almost eight, the stores hadn't quite opened yet but I guessed Ryan must know what I was thinking in this. It was about his dad after all…

"I was thinking that, we don't want to go all the way out to Chino every time we want to say something or ask. So I could buy him a phone and then add his number in our phones. I wouldn't expect him to use it loads but at least we could reach him without driving for an hour."

"I guess I'll come with you." Ryan mumbled. "There are still some things left at my old … house… maybe you guys have a bag I can borrow."

"Yes of course… Oh." For a moment I had forgotten about Ryan having to keep control over two crutches at all times. "Do you want one of those rolling bags or will a shoulder bag do enough?"

I kind of forgot that all of our rolling bags had been lost in Thailand.

"Any kind will be enough."

Ryan nodded, anyone else might think he hadn't even listened but I knew better than that and went to get the bag.

"Let's just try with it light and empty like this so we can see if you can carry it okay. Or, of course I can carry it for you."

"I can do it myself." Ryan took both cutches in one hand, pulled the bag to stuck on his shoulder and adjusted the strap so it didn't move, he then pushed it onto his back and put the crutch back in his hand before jumping a few meters back and forth. "Well, yes I can."

"Awesome…. Well, not that I'm happy about everything. But only a couple of weeks later we're here and I do think that you, if anyone will be able to live your whole life with coming up with simple solutions like these. Now, should we go?" I pulled up my own phone and checked the time. "There's a store not far away that should have opened by now, they open early. Do you want to come with me or should I just go and buy a phone and come back and get you."

"I can come… And I think I've got everything so… whenever you're ready."

Whenever! I'm ready. And that was in that very moment.

I didn't feel as ready when we stood on the porch by Ryan's old house though. And I couldn't understand or help the fact that I suddenly felt so very afraid of what was about to happen. I had met Frank Atwood before and he was certainly nothing to be afraid of. And now even Ryan was with me and he must know whatever was about to happen, he even explained it to me.

"When we get in here there's a hallway, then the kitchen, and then another small hallway and there is the door to mine and Trey's bedroom. Dad is usually in the kitchen. And while I go and get the things, if they're all there will say. Well… it's good if you just stay in the kitchen, give that dad phone and then… really, I just want to leave as soon as possible."

Maybe what he said was sort of a warning. Maybe I should have known to just stay in between Frank and Ryan and make sure Frank shut up, and Ryan was safe at every second.

Ryan seemed still and swallowed his feelings, whatever they were while we made our way into the hallway and then found Frank sitting by the kitchen table, fingers wrapped in his hair, with a bottle in his other hand and obviously drank as much drunk could possible be.

Drunk? At this time of the day? It wasn't even noon.

It only took me a few seconds to see the way he looked at me with the tired circles around his eyes- he probably hadn't stopped drinking through the night. He probably hadn't stopped drinking much since he was in the hospital asking me taking care of his son, taking breaks to sleep every twelfth hour or so. Whether he actually slept during the night or day time wasn't important. The important part of this was that for him any day of time of the day was for drinking and being drunk- and feeling terrible with the hangover that could only be soothed by more drink and more drink.

"Ehrm…" Ryan adjusted the bag on his shoulder. "Mine and my brother's room is over here. So I'll just… get some things. If they're even there."

"Everything is just where you left it."

Ryan gave me a look and I stayed right behind as he had told me, for me having to just watch him was hard but if it was what he wanted…

"You know he looks quite weird with half his leg off and those crutches, right?"

I searched my mind and brainstormed for any answer I could give him. Mostly I just wanted to snap back at him, then take Ryan with me and to some place there was nothing and no one left to hurt him.

Instead I chose the simple way and changed the subject.

"Here." I handed him the phone we had gotten and he looked back at me as if I was stupid. "You do know how to use a cellphone, right?"

"Yes of course." Frank threw it on the table. "Everyone who's not completely r*tarted knows how to use a phone. But why would you get one now? For the police to keep track of me?"

"No… It's just so we'll be able to reach you, or you'll be able to reach us. We've added your number in our contact lists…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Frank stopped me. "Exactly who are we? You and Ryan?"

"I and Ryan, my wife Kirsten and our son Seth."

"That's a lot of people… Well, I suppose I get all of you or none. How's Ryan doing? Is he getting along with everyone?"

"Well… ehrm… yes, more than expected actually. Seth and Ryan already seems to be able to be friends just like two… normal boys of their age. But… Well, ehrm. Ryan had a food poisoning the first night he was staying with us and that of course have been playing a part and given us less time to know each other- a month from now it won't make any sense but right now, still during the first, few days it does."

"Food poisoning? Oh damn. It must have hit him hard… no that I know very much of how Ryan gets when he is sick but I think he gets quite badly…"

Something Ryan had said passed by in my mind.

This guy was for sure make me dislike him more than anyone I had ever met before- and that included every criminal I had met in my years of working.

"Actually he was quite knocked out for more than twenty four house. But then he said something else. He told me though while he was still confused and feverish… He told me that while he was sick both you and Dawn would have been gone in an instant as soon as it started."

"Of course were gone. Ain't nobody want to catch a stomach flu… we always seemed to get it anyway though."

I had to bite my tongue not to say something that being there was what a parent was supposed to do.

There for sure was a whole lot of parents out there and I had worked a lot with them in my job. But meeting one like this and for a child I cared as much for as Ryan I'd never been and wouldn't have been surprised if I hit him right in the face.

"But of course… once Trey and Dawn and Ryan left me there was waaaaaay out of the direction from me to be able to catch something from each other. And that part only would be enough for them not to have to come back." I raised an eyebrow- both because I couldn't understand what he told me actually, and because he was making it worse and worse for himself in my eyes. "What? Haven't Ryan told you? Haven't he even told you why he and Trey and D- D—Dawn were in Thailand? I would have liked to go there too. But they didn't specifically tell me they were going, because you know why?"

Frank were stumbling back and forth in the rhythm of the words. He was slurring too and I could hear Ryan rush in his and his brother's room.

"Now." He threw the trunk over one shoulder, struggling to hold onto the crutches and put his weight on one leg. "I'm done now. We can leave."

Ryan glanced to his dad, then dropped the bag and almost his balance. Before anything else I hurried over to him, laid a hand on his shoulder for both comfort and stability, and then took the trunk with my other hand.

"No… don't go yet." Frank had taken a few sips from his bottle. "I have to explain… Would you think I don't understand why you went away? Would you know I don't understand why you were completely gone until two months later when Sa-Sa- Sandy stood right on my porch."

"I think that's enough for now Mr. Atwood." I forced the anger down my throat and Ryan was shaking next to me so to the point I would have expected him to fall like a tree right next to me. "We can talk more another time, either through the phone or I'll come out here if you prefer talking eye to eye."

"Oh, it doesn't matter… This boy… and D- d- dawn made it very clear what they were doing when they were doing what they did. I think what they did what they did and then, they couldn't reverse it. They didn't have any money and they couldn't go back in time and they couldn't change it. And they couldn't get the money to go back here and…"

"I don't think it's that simple, dad."

I had been quiet listening to Frank. Something in me wanted to turn away, take Ryan with me and leave as soon as I could. Another part of me said that this was something I needed to hear, something I needed to know. But Ryan was turning more and more red and I wouldn't silent him or make him speak…

At last, I was left in what to do, wanted to make this right for both of the Atwood's. But of course Ryan was more important to me than his dad and I took one step towards him at last.

"I think, I think we're done for today. I and Ryan can go back to Orange County and then…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah… You can go if you want to but there are some things you need to know Stephen Cohen. When Ryan and his bro- other, and mo- other left this town they were running away. And they were running away from me."

"Dad." Ryan interrupted at last. "That's enough. Let's just go back home Sandy."

"No… let me fin… finish."

Ryan didn't turn around or bat an eyebrow on the way through the hallway, and I'd never seen him move so fast before, at least not since we were still in Thailand searching for our families. And back then Ryan still had two legs even if one was hurt and infected.

"No.. oh…"

We were halfway through the hallway when Frank suddenly stumbled and fell, he hadn't seemed to hurt himself more than he already had with the poison running through his body.

"Let's just go."

Without turning around Ryan pushed the front door open and with him I was fast to continue, and got into the driver's seat and started the car while he threw the bag into the back seat and then got up shotgun.

I still saw him glance towards the door and porch when I hit the pedal and rushed out of the driveway.

"Did you grow up in this house?"

"Yeah."

How weird it must feel to go away and not knowing when or if he'd ever return.

More than half of the ride back to Orange County was spent in silence, every now and then I glanced at Ryan as long as I dared not to make the car ride unsafe for us both. But he was always turned away from me only looking out the window, only himself knew what he was looking at.

"Does your dad usually get that drunk?"

"Yeah… yeah I guess."

I suppressed a sigh, it wasn't about Ryan or anything he did or didn't do. All the parents out there who acted like Frank Atwood. And all the great people that tried and wished for nothing more than to hold their own child and they couldn't.

"Well… I'm not going to make you say or do anything…" I said at last turning up on our street. "…But, know that you can always come to me with anything. Okay? You're not alone kid."

By now I had stopped and could for real turn towards him. He didn't turn back or answer. People could have cried for less, I would have cried for less if I was in his spot and I almost did in mine.

"Well… that was that."

Without finishing with anything else he got out of the car, got the bag and then made his way back into the house very slowly, a lot slower than what he usually went.

I ended up behind him but didn't make a noise. He had enough to worry about even without it.

"Can I just leave my bag here?" Ryan asked and dropped it on the hallway floor. "I'll take it later. I just… for now I really just have to go to the bathroom."

"I could take it upstairs for you if that makes it any easier."

"No…" Suddenly Ryan made it sound like it was very important I did absolutely not touch it. "No… I'll take it… I just have to…" I nodded, and to show I wasn't going to touch it took a step back and walked into the living room where Seth was watching Harry Potter for at least the millionth time.

"I'm not going home." I dramatically quoted at the exact moment Harry said it. "Not really."

Right then I didn't even notice Ryan was right behind me, and neither did I when he got his bag from the hallway and as quietly as he could with the crutches to get through the house while Seth changed the disk in the DVD player to keep watching with the second movie.

"Hey Ryan…" I was going to see if he wanted to watch what he hadn't and went to search for the young blonde as I thought I had heard his crutches towards the floor in the kitchen. "Ryan? Ryan? RYAN? Now, what's this?"

When I couldn't help my voice to get louder and then quieter again when I found a note on the kitchen counter.

 _In the pool house, need privacy. R_

 **Random fact**

If you can't tell by all the mentions of it I just thought I'd let you know that I'm a major Harry Potter- fan.


	28. The well meaning

**Thanks to Tif S and a guest for reviewing.**

I granted Ryan's wishes of getting privacy after going out into the pool house, but at last, when two hours had passed since I, Kirsten and Seth had had lunch I took some bagels and a soda and went out to give it to him.

"Ryan?" I knocked on the door. "Are you in here? Can I come in?"

"Yeah."

I felt the door handle and finding it open opened the door just slightly to find Ryan lying flat on his back with his phone in hand and looking back at me quite callously despite everything his dad had told me and myself only a few hours ago.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah." Ryan sat up. "I didn't cry or anything else that I wanted to hide from you. I just needed some time to think." He threw the phone on the bed next to him. "I and Clark exchanged numbers and I just chatted to him and forgot about time."

"No worries." I felt a bit more relieved now having at last checked on him and knowing he was somewhat okay at least- even though only himself could know what he hid or not. "But I'd still think you need something and the fridge and cupboards out here are still empty." I held up the plate and glass I'd taken here. "I'll just put it here… What?" Ryan had suddenly started smirking towards the phone after it buzzed. "A girl?"

The mention, teasing had slipped my lips before I had time to stop myself, at the same time as it passed my mind like a flash.

"No." Ryan smiled slightly. And that was the first time I ever saw a smile that reached up from his lips and up to his blue eyes. "Sorry to disappoint you. But it's just Clark."

I couldn't help but to give a short laugh- well, at least it was something that it obviously hadn't hurt Ryan that I was just an awkward dad.

"Invite him over someday." I said, having put the plate and glass on the bedside table. "And yes, you can stay in bed and eat. But don't tell Kirsten I said you could," I blinked. "No problem… I wonder where Kirsten is by the way…" I kept mumbling to myself when leaving the pool house. "She seemed tired and unwell in the morning and barely touched her lunch…" I went into the kitchen and found it empty. "Seth? Have you seen your mum?"

"She had to go to work. Grandpa's an asshole."

I didn't even care to give Seth a lecture about calling someone an asshole. Caleb seemed to have only cared for Kirsten when we came back to the airport from Thailand, after the time all of our families didn't even know we were lost, hurt or even worse…

He had for sure gone back to his old ways even though Kirsten had been acting tiredly and unwell from the trauma we had all gone through. Even then she wanted to keep it secret and stay strong and obviously Caleb Nichol couldn't see that.

On his own daughter!

I couldn't help but wish that Kirsten's mum was here. She had always had a way with her daughter of knowing what she wanted and needed- whenever and whatever she needed or wanted.

In the middle of my thoughts and wondering I opened the dishwasher, took out a plates and tried to see whether they were clean or dirty. Kirsten and her way with always wanting the cutlery washed before put in the dishwasher.

Only from finding something to do with my hands I was so far away with my back to the rest of the house I jumped when I heard someone talking to me.

"Dad?"

I could tell from the sound of Seth's voice in that one, short word when he wanted something.

"Yes?"

I had dropped a plate and felt my heart beating, then leaned down to pick the pieces of the plate up while Seth continued.

"You see… there's a new comic book that came out only yesterday. I know you and mum are busy so I was wondering if I could just walk down to the kiosk and get it…" Three, two, one. "And maybe have some money?"

"Sure." I pulled up my wallet from my pocket and put a bill in his open hand. "What?"

"It's kind of expensive. It's some sort of special."

I couldn't understand why I always had all of this cash in my wallet but I did and I pulled up another bill and put in his hand. Seth only looked down on it and bit his lip in a way I knew exactly what it meant.

"Don't you have your own money?"

"Well… yeah… in Thailand."

I couldn't help but give a short laugh and pulled up a few coins.

"Will this be enough?"

"Yeah."

"Hey… do you know what?" I pulled up the rest of the money I had in cash. "Ask Ryan if he wants to come with you, get him the rest of the Harry Potter books. And for the rest if there is any money left. Go and get pancakes or whatever you want."

Something changed in the way Seth's eyes looked when I mentioned Ryan. But it was gone the next time I turned there and looked into his eyes. And putting the money in his pocket he went outside and across the front yard to the pool house and soon came out with the other boy on crutches.

It was weirdly nothing to do after we had came back home, I paced the house for half an hour, then slumped down half lying on the couch and zapped in between the tv channels, stopping at pictures from Thailand.

" _As you can see. The damage done has been unbelievable."_ The news reporter told. _"And almost a month later by now, there's just so much to do people don't know where to start…"_

Pictures were shown, corpses, broken down buildings, people trying to leave and also searching one hospital after the other trying to find their family members.

I was left sitting there for the ten minutes the pictures were shown. Of course I wouldn't know what they looked like, but what if I saw a woman or a teenage boy that just looked a tiny bit like the young blonde under my roof.

I left the news on, shaking by all of what I had seen and had to find something else to do. I then went into my office where I hadn't been for Lord knows how long. Turning the computer on and checked my e-mail there was about two hundred unopened mails. Most of them from work and there the most of them from Jason Spitz.

From the beginning I just read through the titles of all the emails so I could see what could be deleted without having to read through them all.

 _We don't know where you are_

 _Were you affected by the wave?_

 _We don't know if you could get on a computer._

 _If you do please answer to this._

 _Get the next newest phone for only…_

The commercial felt as a bit of a break from all the worried mails from Jason.

 _I'm sorry._

 _If you get the chance, can you please answer?_

 _I'm sorry for all of these emails._

 _Worried_

 _Waiting_

 _Waiting for an answer._

 _Do you want to help the victims who have been affected by the monster waves in big parts of Asia._

With a quick gasp I deleted the last email of commercial, sure I wanted to but it wasn't actually that simple as just giving money to the red cross or whatever company who was working there.

 _It was nice of you to show up._

After another seventy messages the point at last came when I had showed up at work only last week and let the others know I was as much as alive.

 _If there's something I can do_

At last I opened the latest email Jason had sent and gave a quick answer, trying to say everything in only a few lines.

 _Hello, and sorry for not replying to any of your emails until now._

 _To answer your questions I and my family are shaken, but okay. I should be back to work by next week._

 _Golf and a cup of coffee you mentioned at some point, it would be nice to get away from this and just have a bit of fun. Thanks for that, I'll get back to you when I have the chance._

 _Tell everyone hi from me and I'll see you soon_

 _Sincerely_

 _Sandy Cohen_

I sent the email and started deleting ones without opening them. After only the ones that had been sent after I came and saw them I leaned back, Gosh. Exactly how dramatic and nagging could this man be?

I almost felt asleep right there in my office chair and only flinched awake from a half conscious state and got up when I heard the front door open and close and rubbed my eyes hurrying into the hallway where Kirsten started talking without as much as greeting me.

"I thought I saw Seth and Ryan from the car when I was driving through town."

Well, they should be quite easy to notice and recognize with Ryan with one leg and crutches…

"It might very well have been them. Seth wanted to get a comic book and I didn't have time to come with him. I told him to take Ryan with him and get the rest of the Harry Potter books. Then I told him they could go to a café or restaurant for dinner. I gave them the money."

Kirsten silent and didn't say anything for at least a couple of minutes. I needed something to do with my hands, my eyes gazed over the old pizza carton that still stood at the counter, and the thought passing by that maybe we would want less than ever to order food for every single meal.

I kept the works in trying to get all the dirty dishes into the dishwasher and work out where we actually had the different things—that could be a good start if I was going to learn how to cook.

"Was that a very good idea then?"

"What idea?"

"To send them off with their own money?"

"I don't see why it shouldn't." I tried to keep away from what I knew Kirsten actually meant. "They have phones to call us if they need and they're only around the corner."

Kirsten sighed and silent one more time, and half of the stuff in this kitchen I didn't know what on earth they were for.

"If it was just Seth I wouldn't mind. But… Ryan's only been with us a few days. Even you haven't even known him for a month. It's him I don't trust."

I stopped working holding onto a spoon that I moved in between my hands when I tried to think of what to say. How on earth was I going to explain this to Kirsten? She was a person who didn't easily trust people and I could barely imagine what she must feel with a stranger suddenly coming into our very home.

"What am I supposed to do? I saw his dad earlier today, and if he is going to care for a child he needs to change. Ryan's mum or brother we haven't heard a sound about since the wave… He's eleven. I won't throw him out on the street if that's what you want."

"Of course it's not what I want… but I don't think you should send them out on town on their own… And I'm feeling a whole lot better when Ryan isn't in the house…"

"I guess I'll just stay in the pool house then."

 **Random fact**

The discussion towards the end of the chapter was really hard to write. Kirsten ended up more harsh than what she actually is and she almost sounds really mean… I hope you liked it still and I hope you'll stay around for the rest of the story. Things will change a whole lot only in the next few chapters already. Then more and more before the epilogue..

You have to be around here to see it, right?


	29. The lucky and unlucky

**Thanks to Dixie. F. 9 and guest for reviewing.**

 **Guest reviewer May the thirteenth, review was posted only seconds before I was putting this chapter up so I'm adding it now…  
** Yes, sticking around and intrigued. I'm also trying to guess how Ryan would get several pretty big books like Harry Potter back to the Cohens' house unless he had a backpack. He needs his arms for crutches.  
I saw the notes before where another guest reviewed about Kirsten definitely not being close to Ryan going beyond the first few days, weeks, months and even years. I have to agree. I also remember when she told he about how he was her worst nightmare. She told him during the final year of the show, but she meant that when he came, that was her impression. She just kept boundaries and even when Ryan was hurt and in the hospital, she was very standoffish, more concerned about other people's children who didn't live in her house. Things like that and some of her conversations with Sandy, or how she didn't defend Ryan to people insulting or hurting him in other ways in public make it easier to see her a certain way.  
I don't know what changed in Seth's eyes for a minute that you mentioned, but I guess that's for you to know. I was surprised that Ryan had any kind of tie to the kid from the hospital. I didn't get that idea, more that Ryan was on his own, but I'll check it closer  
I do really feel for Ryan and all that he carries with him from long before Thailand on top of after. His life was always horrible and now he's a different kind of burden, depending on strangers, only having some kind of relationship with Sandy. A kid can never tell what's going on completely, only what he's told. In Ryan's case, he has to almost assume the worst because the worst has always happened and easily could. He's in a very precarious situation with no control.  
Thanks again for the chapter

 **Answer from Linneagb:** The explanation to that first is quite simple- Seth carried it, he had one bag with the comic and the books, and another with the food. It was going to be mentioned but I guess I missed it.  
There will be a line quite inspired by one in the series from Kirsten in the next chapter. I'll write in the A/n which line it is and if you're a big fan of the show you might even notice it yourself.  
Seth has probably got a lot spinning in his mind right now. He wants everything to go well, but he can't go to school because people think Marissa's death was his fault, Caleb has gone back to the asshole he always was. But this isn't what it always was. Far from it. And he also wants to be friends with Ryan, both for his own sake and Ryan's. But gets jealous when Sandy's spending most of his time with or for Ryan- who wouldn't be jealous?  
Ryan and Clark spent several days together in one single room, they're two boys of the same age. Why wouldn't they keep in contact? Ryan also doesn't have a lot of friends and barely knows anyone where he is, and only a few in Chino. It's not like they're constantly going back and forth to each other's. It's just texts and maybe a game night at some point.  
Agreed, poor Ryan. I can't believe I'm putting him through all of this… I can't believe I had the idea of putting him through this, what's wrong with me?  
Thanks for your review.

 **This chapter is told from Ryan's point of view**

"I guess I'll just stay in the pool house then."

I and Seth had bought pancakes from the pier restaurant to take with us home. Seth had mumbled something that we should go home because I was tired and my hands were hurting. But he'd never mentioned anything at all of that before, I was fine. And I could also see the people- about our age who sat by the tables in the furthest back of the restaurant was someone Seth Ezekiel Cohen didn't want to meet.

After everything, when I and Seth made our way through the hallway and into the kitchen I could easily have heard Sandy and Kirsten's voices fighting… well, more having a discussion… about me!

"Ryan? Wait."

I ignored Sandy calling out for me.

One voice in my head told me that if I didn't obey I was soon being kicked out of this house for than anything. Then the other voice in mmy head told that if they wanted to after all of this, this wouldn't make any sense.

And a third voice wished that I could just for a second have two legs again so I could run away from this a little faster.

Someone must have said or done something not to follow me, because it was silent behind me while I made myself out of the kitchen and over to the pool house, then threw the door so hard behind me I could just as well have crashed the glass in it.

I threw the crutches on the floor and myself on the bed. On my back I hit with my fists towards the bed, and if it wasn't for the risk of anyone hearing me I would have shouted wordlessly on the top of my lungs.

Instead I hit my fists as hard as I could and threw myself back and forth towards the sheets, stopping by the pain in what was leg of my leg and panting as if I had run a marathon.

And then, just as my breathing had gone back to normal there was a knock on the door.

"Yeah?"

I would have expected it to be Sandy, my heart beat hard when the thought of that it might be Sandy or Kirsten having found another place for me. Somewhere else for me to stay, maybe it would be my dad's.

"You forgot the food… Do you want me to take it in here? Or I could just leave."

I breathed out when it was only Seth who held a paper bag with him.

I only chose for two seconds before I rose on my elbows, then sat up and showed Seth to sit next to me. Actually there wasn't much else to do, it was that or sit on the floor.

Seth put the bag on the bed and then pulled over the glass bedside table to right in front of where I could sit. When he sat down on the other side he lifted the paper bag up and started picking up the food we had bought.

"So… well… you didn't know and I was… longing to go back home. So I got us three of my favorites. You told me you hadn't tried so I guess it's time. We can try the milkshakes some other time, but we couldn't get them all the way home now without the ice cream melting and then they're not as good. Of course… the occasional Sprite for you and Cola for me and then fresh orange juice for us both. And then… classic pancakes, bacon waffles and blueberry pancakes. They may not sound good but they are to die for…"

I opened the drink cans for us both, Seth only having one hand to do it made it a bit hard, he gave a nod in thanks before the began on his waffle and I on my pancake.

It would maybe have seemed weird to anybody else. But to just sit there and talk about food and how we liked pancakes and waffles felt good and random. And even had me forgetting about everything else for just a second."

"Wow." I laid my hand with a deep breath when the last piece of bacon waffle was gone. "That was really good, thanks for this Seth. It was awesome and these were great. I can't wait to try the rest someday. But as for now. Even if we had more I wouldn't be able to get a piece more down."

"I would. I can always eat more… It's a shame we didn't get any dessert."

I just moaned with a laugh, lighter than what it had been in weeks. But it was then the thought struck me of what I had heard in Sandy and Kirsten's discussion before and sighed.

I leaned back towards the headboard of the bed and watched Seth as he collected all the trash from what we had just eaten.

"Dishing is fast today." He threw it all into the paper bag and then started digging in his pocket for I didn't know what. "I wonder if dad knows how much money he gave us." Seth pulled up the rest of the money he'd been given on the bed in between us. "Those Harry Potter books aren't cheap, neither my comic. And food and we still have got…" Seth counted. "…Sixty-four dollars left. That's thirty two for each of us."

"Shouldn't we just give him his money back."

"He won't mind. And neither you nor I have got any money of our own." Seth smirked mischievously. "He won't mind."

While I watched the dark- haired boy in front of me count the coins and bills in between us I zoned away. Was Seth Cohen actually aware of all luck he lived in the middle of. Had he had to run and hide for his parents not to catch and hit the living crap out of him? Had Sandy had to twisted and turned every dime to check if he could buy cigarettes? Had Kirsten walked into a store and secretly pushed bottles of wine and beer down her pockets? Had she gotten caught doing it?

Had any one of these people been into a prison? Or Juvie? Or even a police station?

Did they even know how lucky they were?

"Hello- oh." Seth's voice finally pushed its way through my thoughts. "Earth to Ryan."

I shook my head and forced the thoughts away.

Did I even know how lucky I was that had gotten away from misery as easily as I had?

"Well. Here's your money." Seth pushed the cash over the quilt and towards me. "And… Ryan…. Don't let it get to you what mum says. She's just… we're all going through so much… she just needs time to get used to things…"

How much time was I supposed to give her?

"And… ehrm… I guess I can come back and get the trash…" Seth tired and glanced at the trash that laid on the bedside table. "Gosh, I'm so sick and tired of this cast."

If only he'd know how lucky he was he still have the limp to put in that cast.

 _It's been three hours since you last answered a text man. Where are you? I didn't say anything to hurt you did I?_

I sighed, the ever well- meaning who Clark was. And still, having spent all those hours in the same room as him I knew he was so afraid of anyone at all being mad at him, too careful, easy like a glass figure to break. And then of course, all of that would fade when his sister was around, was Celia there he could have ripped anyone to pieces if they hurt her.

It was strange that one day you could know someone, barely at all and maybe not stand it each other like I and Clark hadn't at the first few days. Now he was worried if I didn't answer a text for a couple of hours I was mad at him.

 _Nothing wrong, been out and had lunch. Back on my phone now._

"Ryan?" I flinched when I heard Seth's voice and the pool house door opening as he came in. "Don't worry too much about what mum's saying… It's if dad didn't like you you'd be in trouble… But they're just… special…" My phone buzzed again with another text. "Who is it you're talking to?"

"Clark… The boy I first shared a hospital room with."

"Oh… yeah."

Seth's eyes seemed dark, but only for a second before he shrugged slightly and collected all the rest of the trash from what we'd eaten and then left without another word.

Nope! Seth really didn't get how lucky he was.

 _Iuinon7tuyggui_

 _Sorry, Celia got my phone. Decided to keep it like that._

I sighed at what Clark had written. There was that thing about families…

"Ryan?"

Already before I looked up and saw Sandy I recognized his voice.

"Yep."

"Can I sit down?" Sandy made a gesture down towards the point of the bed that Ryan had just stood up from. I pulled myself up towards the headboard and Sandy came to sit down. "You weren't meant to hear… that. It could take me hours and hours to come up with an answer. But I can promise you, that whatever happens, if you, for one reason or another can't stay here I'll help you with something else. And I won't stop searching until I find you somewhere at least as good as here. And, wherever you go, living there, somewhere else. Or with your parents and your brother- you can always trust and come to us if you need anything. Anyway… I'd tell you more but… I think that's all I could say for now."

Sandy patted my knee while I nodded slowly and looked into the wall. Then, for another few seconds I just investigated what was in this house.

"Kirsten was going to find kitchen wear for the pool house…" Sandy said, possibly to light the tension up a bit. "…But obviously couldn't find the exact right ones… You're welcome to stay here or come into the house at any moment you'd like… Oh, and by the way… I was told that bandage on your leg needed changing. Do you want me to…"

"I can do it myself, don't worry."

I really wasn't planning to have to need help from any of them

As it turned out, avoiding Kirsten wasn't as hard as I thought. Because she seemed to be avoiding me too and we were only in the same room on meals. The rest of the time I spent reading Harry Potter, sleeping and changing the bandages on my leg, and of course playing video games, both by myself and pushing the correct buttons while Seth hold onto it.

I was as far away in the games as ever when Sandy and Seth came into the living room, early afternoon on Monday.

"I and Seth are going for some errands. Do you want to come?"

For just a couple of seconds I was choosing back and forth, then before I had Seth spoke up.

"Dad. He's in the middle of the game. If he stops now he'll have to start over from the start again."

Well… he was right!

"Well then… Do you agree?" I nodded without taking my vision from the TV screen. "Come on then son. We'll see you in a while. Kirsten's still around if you need anything."

I didn't answer at all, the first reason being that I didn't want to lose the game and the other being that I wouldn't know what to say to Kirsten more what I had known the last forty- eight hours.

Somewhere in the back of my concentration I heard Sandy and Seth leaving. Most of my concentration was on the TV screen and how I could prevent my werewolf from dying under my watch.

"Ryan?"

At the moment I heard my name I lost my concentration and "game over" read over the screen. And really? The first time in days Kirsten spoke to me…

"Yes…"

I more or less expected her to say she wanted to throw me out, and the Latina woman standing right by her must be a social worker.

"This is Ryan who lives with us, Ryan this is Rosa who's come to help us with some work around the house. Listen… don't come around on Wednesday. We can go through your hours but Wednesday…" Suddenly the doorbell rang through the house. "Wait a minute?"

Kirsten hurried towards the door, and as if I could have protected her against anything, I sent Rosa one look before I slowly made my way after Kirsten as I heard her mumbling to herself before she opened.

"Gosh if you're selling anything… yes?"

"Hi!"

I froze for one second when I recognized the voice as my dad's. And then, with a lump in my throat and barely able to breathe I made my way to the hallway as fast as I could.

"Who are you?"

Kirsten, just as well as I had been a minute ago seemed frozen when I turned up next to her.

"Oh. Ryan! And you must be Stephen's wife Christie?"

I didn't even care to correct him- he wouldn't care to remember anyway. Even if he did he'd say the wrong on purpose only to be annoying.

"What do you want?"

"What's the rush Ryan? Ry… ry… Hrm… Ryan." Dad held a bottle in his hand and was swaying where he stood. "I'm going to have a very important with Christie… You see…. If I heard things right- my youngest son lives her now. Am I right?"

"Yes."

I didn't wait for Kirsten to answer- I just wanted for dad to leave before he'd made himself famous to Kirsten and Seth too. And prayed to whatever higher power that Seth and Sandy wouldn't be back here until my dad had left.

"Shut up son!" He shouted hoarsely and took another sip from his bottle. "I have to talk to Christie… and she's beautiful if I say it myself… But that's not the reason I'm here. My reason to be here is… is… can't Ryan stay here?"

Dad took another sip from his bottle, then took a look at the bottle, surprised it was empty and threw it into the flower pot next to the porch.

"I'm wondering if Ryan can stay here." He burped, loudly and straight into Kirsten's face. "Because It's been… it's been almost a month since you know what. And the other day I was at a friend's and could use his computer. And I checked the news and everything and oh my God. All of that destruction. All of those people… and not in one single of those people I saw my wife or my older son. And you saw it for real… Oh boy, do I feel sorry for you?"

Sure he didn't. Dad never felt sorry for anyone but himself.

I had seen my dad like this before, I wasn't in the least surprised when dad stumbled down the porch, mordaciously without falling on his face. Bent over the flower pots next to him and threw up into them.

Well… not surprised, but very embarrassed.

Dad coughed and dry heaved a couple of times, Kirsten took a step forward, maybe to ask if he wanted a tissue or something. But I held my arm out gently to stop her.

At last dad wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and rose and turned towards us two again.

What he said next didn't surprise me one bit.

"You see, I don't want anything to do with this cripple kid. Okay?"

But it did have me think wherever on earth I was supposed to go next if mum or Trey weren't to come back and Kirsten didn't want me around here.

Dad stumbled back and forth while talking and I could almost count down from three from when he was standing right in front of us to when he fell and rolled down the steps.

Kirsten moved a step towards him but I held my arm out and gently stopped her. Dad was already, hardly getting on his feet and stumbling in the same way.

"I don't want anything to do with him." He laughed. "The faster I don't. The far away I am… I never want to see him again. And the day I know I don't will be the best day of my life…"

"Should I call you a cab or something?"

At last Kirsten's voice was heard. And once again, dad looked at her as if she was the prettiest thing he'd ever seen but not being able to point out where she was in dizziness.

"Cab? No. I don't need a cab. And I don't need him…" He pointed with a shaky arm towards him. "Do you get me?" He turned to me. "I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. AM I SAYING IT LOUD ENOUGH? NEVER EVER…"

He turned around finally and walked unsteadily down the porch and into the road while half singing and half shouting. It felt like a year before it, but at last he'd turned the corner and I couldn't see him anymore.

Now, if there was anything that would set Kirsten off with throwing me out of her house it was probably done.

In the corner of my eye I could see Kirsten move at last and her head turning towards me, I turned my head too until at last we were just standing looking at each other.

"I'm going inside now." She said at last, within the second before she continued I expected her to want me to get lost, far away. "Are you coming?"

It was when I jumped with my crutches over the threshold and then stopped to I and Kirsten looking at each other when I realized something had changed in the way Kirsten looked at me when I turned back to her eyes and nothing else.

"You know… If you want to go back into the room upstairs it's fine. If you don't want to stay in the pool house anymore."

 **Random fact**

For deciding what they had chosen to eat I actually did get a menu from Pancake House and chose some. I would have liked to go to a pancake house myself and actually check which ones are the best, but it seemed the nearest one is in Stockholm and I live far, far away from Stockholm.


	30. The same changes

**Thanks to guests for reviewing.  
Review from guest reviewer seventeenth May:  
**Forget calling a cab, I was wishing that Ryan's father would be hit and fun over by a cab, but not so Ryan would have to watch. And to think, I was already really feeling terrible for Ryan and how overwhelmed he had to be right at the beginning. Hearing what Kirsten was saying, how she didn't or couldn't trust Ryan and what she meant by that, and what it meant for Ryan. Sure, they're all strangers, but he's alone in the world at a young age, he's been badly traumatized emotionally, he's suffered a very painful injury that will never fully heal and will be a challenge forever. How he would pose any threat as he worries constantly about doing or saying the slightest thing wrong to be thrown out is beyond me. He spends all of his time trying not to cause any problems and not be any kind of trouble. Hearing what he heard would only make him more anxious and uncertain and wonder what he was doing so wrong.  
Getting some reassurance from Sandy that he wouldn't turn his back had to help, but he has no guarantee, nothing like Seth, who takes it all for granted. Stressing that is important and how aware Ryan is of the huge gaps between their lives and worlds. Ryan's on very thin ice and knows it, always expecting the worst again and again. Seth has had everything and everyone caters to him.  
His father is a piece of work. Of course Ryan would think that Kirsten, who avoided him, made her feelings clear with that behavior, hardly spoke to him or acknowledged him, would also believe that she would think that Ryan would be like his father. Seeing that display would have to convince her that Ryan wasn't trustworthy, only trouble, a threat, trash, and someone to get rid of. You can understand easily how ashamed he would be and he would think she would see things that way. Now he has to be very confused, not sure what to make of her. Does she just pity him? Is she caught by surprise? Lots of mixed messages. Ryan's father may be nasty and unfit, but having anyone just dump you and shout how worthless and unwanted you are has to hurt in the worst ways. Parents, even if you despise them and are afraid of them, should want to care about and protect their children. Not wanting to ever see a child again and being so cruel is unforgivable. it's worse than physical abuse for what it does.  
There's a whole lot going on here. So, yes, definitely intrigued. I'll look for the quote too.  
Thanks for writing again and for packing so much in. So much emotion just heightens all the drama and makes the feelings for Ryan deeper. **  
Answer from Linneagb:** I think I'm on your side with that cab driving over him without Ryan seeing it. Frank is just an asshole and poor Ryan is just so precious. He has just known so much and seen so much and yet he's only eleven years old. Some things that will never leave and he will always carry with him in his person and personality. Even that wave hurting his leg so bad it had to be amputated him.  
Ryan and the others are from different worlds. But nobody would ever throw him out, even though he's afraid they will and keep trying to do everything right. Seth has already had everything like you said and maybe both boys can learn something from each other and not just Seth helping Ryan or Ryan helping Seth.  
Kirsten's reaction to Ryan is about the same as it was in the series. She's caught by surprise of course and is not a person who easily trust others or let them in- literally. And after everything she too wants to please Sandy as she knows that would be the right thing to do and it's end up with Ryan and Kirsten avoiding each other.  
Frank is… Well you, I know three different languages and I cannot find one single word of how cruel he's actually acting. It's so much worse than physical hurt and not even that could be explained.  
The quote is from a scene I've looked at over and over on Youtube. It's almost at the beginning of the chapter.  
You're welcome and thanks for reading and reviewing. Here's the newest chapter.

 **Reviewer posting their review on May nineteenth: Guest  
** Every time I think that I can't have my heart break more for Ryan, the load gets heavier in very believable ways. His life was always scary and painful and traumatic. Then came the traumas that brought him and Sandy together in some fateful way. Ryan knows that any arrangement is hanging by a thread and temporary, subject to change at any minute. That could be because of Kirsten, someone he knows, or a whole range of unknown possibilities. Ryan already is picking up on Kirsten's feelings even without her saying what she thinks out loud, which is just wrong for her. And as awful as Ryan's father is, that doesn't change how badly Ryan must be hurt to be attacked by him and then just dumped. If Ryan ever doubted that he was a nothing, a burden and now damaged and unwanted, this confirmed it for everyone to hear. I also have to wonder how scared and worried Ryan is. Sure, Seth just takes money, but Ryan has to feel very guilty and wonder if Sandy knows every penny and is waiting for the change from him. Ryan's life and situation is nothing like Seth's, who lives in a bubble, spoiled and protected. He could lie and disobey and abuse privileges and be trusted, but Ryan knows he's living under a microscope and can't measure up, at least to Kirsten.  
Thanks for giving Ryan's point of view too and for Sandy trying to reassure Ryan, but knowing he really can't promise everything. Ryan's father is despicable. No wonder Ryan's so ashamed and worried anyone thinks that he has to be like him too  
 **Answer from Linneagb:** I'm afraid Ryan isn't going to catch a break just yet. It's so easy for anyone like me (my childhood was more like Seth's) to say that now Ryan is in a good place why doesn't he change himself? But then, he's used to the life he had back in Chino and how could he change like that? He must be hurting more than words could ever tell. Still, Kirsten and the others will not just change whatever they're thinking and feeling, even if it's wrong. They've been through this trauma too and there's always someone who has it worse. I don't really think Sandy cares for that money, he just pulled up what he had in cash and gave and hoped it would be enough. But obviously Ryan isn't going to leave it be just like that. Even though he's got a lot on his mind right now and sort of forgot about the money. I thought it would be better if I put that from Ryan's pov instead of Sandy's. Frank is a whole story in himself. I felt so sorry for Ryan writing that but it sort of had to be done. Thanks for reading and your long review. I can't wait to show you the rest of the story.

 **If you like the O. C. I just thought I'd tell you that I put up a oneshot called the liar Alyssa. And I really like it myself so maybe some of you would like to go and read and review.**

 **Back to Sandy's pov.**

"Isn't that Ryan's dad?"

On our way back home there was a man walking on the sidewalk near the house, swaying back and forth and singing to himself I maybe should have stopped.

At first I didn't recognize him. Then I realized it was Frank Atwood and he seemed to be coming from our house.

"It might be. It was a bit hard to see on distance."

I steered up on our driveway and braked. A thought in the back of my mind threw me off for not stopping when I knew it was Ryan's dad. But the other voice told me how he had acted when I and Ryan went to get his things.

"Come on now dad. Are you going to sit here all day?"

I shook the thoughts away and unbuckled the bed when Seth was talking to me. But the scene when we saw Frank by our street played over and over and could he really have been here? And whatever trouble was he causing now?

"What is all that junk in the flower pot?" Seth pointed, I wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't. But there really was some junk in the flower in the green growing and it looked way too much like vomit. "…What on earth… Well, maybe mum knows… Hello- oh." Seth was the first one in and shouted through the house. "Anyone home? Oh…"

Kirsten and Ryan sat on each chair in the kitchen. Facing each other and the silence was so thick it could have been cut through with a knife.

"We thought we saw…"

"Ryan is going to stay with us now."

I hadn't even had the time to ask what Frank had been doing here when Kirsten interrupted me, and her voice lighter than I heard it in a long time.

"Oh…"

"That's awesome." Seth said… "Well. It's not awesome. Hrm, we got you a backpack, two actually. We can look at them and… talk."

Ryan nodded slightly and hit his crutches towards the floor as he would. Then, with a nervous smile looked from me to Kirsten.

"I'll unpack my things later…"

He turned to go into the living room, then stopped and turned around again.

"Actually… is it okay if I stay in the poolhouse? No stairs you know."

"If you're sure it's what you want." He nodded. "Well that's sorted then… What has happened? What junk is in the flower pot? Did you meet the new maid and… once again- what's happened with Ryan?"

"The new maid did pay us a visit, yes." Kirsten said at last while I got up on a chair next to her and laid my hand on hers on the counter. "Her name's Rosa. I sent her home again because I didn't think it would be a nice first day at the job to clean up vomit from the flower pot. And thank God it's there and not in the middle of the porch… And about then Frank Atwood paid us a visit to tell us he didn't want anything more to do with his son… And that's about the whole story. The rest will stay in between me and Ryan and there…. Weren't words."

I had to take a minute to figure everything she had said.

Whatever Frank Atwood had said it mustn't have taken many minutes- and he had obviously done more in five minutes than I had done in a month.

"But, no matter what Frank says. There is still a chance we get news about Dawn or Trey… Only future can tell."

"There's no going back now. Whatever happens about Ryan's mum or brother there's still no returns policy on this promise. For Ryan just as much as Seth."

Kirsten turned her hand where she had it lying on the counter and wrapped her fingers around mine.

"I guess I see something of what you've being seeing." She said thoughtfully. "He needs us… And just as much as we need him too… All of a sudden that doesn't sound too bad." She sighed and then stood up. "But there's barely any furniture in the pool house so I guess I'll make a wardrobe to start if so there's actually some space to fit Ryan's clothes in when he unpacks them."

"Ryan?" I went to the living room and couldn't help but smirk. Women and their shopping. "I could take your stuff downstairs and into the pool house… Then it won't be so much up and down the stairs…"

"Actually…" Ryan said carefully. "…That sounds okay. Thanks Sandy."

"Don't mention it."

It was literally something any decent person would do.

Or just the one that was terrified the boy with one leg would come crashing down the stairs…

"By the way…" Kirsten wasn't quite out the door yet. "I told Rosa not to even bother coming on Wednesday… That will be one month since… you know what and I… I don't know about you but I won't be able to tell up from down."

 _8: 01, January 25_ _th_ _in 2005_

One month ago we had been in our hotel room. Happily getting changed into our swimming wear and planning for one more day of just playing and relaxing as if both I and Kirsten had gone back to Seth's age.

"Dad, what are you?"…

Seth found me sitting by the kitchen table. He sent me a weird look, I only see it in the corner of my eye staring at the clock. Ryan was right behind him and without taking my eyes off the clock I answer the question that was never finished.

"You know… Thailand is fourteen hours is ahead of us… And the wave came at 10: 31 A. M." I sighed deeply. "…That's a month."

I wasn't sure why it seemed so important. After all it would be tomorrow, not today that was a month, still it was obvious that it was now because of the time differences.

"Oh…" Seth sat down by me, and I saw him turn towards the clock too, and Ryan sat on the other side. "And we had no idea…"

We had no idea.

I looked to both my sides and the boys, how close hadn't it been that I lost my only son? If it had been just a little different, if Seth had put on another T-shirt that morning and not one with "California" printed on it…

Or if Brittanie hadn't remembered the T-shirt and the print…

There was just so many things that couldn't have ended up where we ended up.

Kirsten came from the office holding onto some paper sheets. But like the boys she stopped when she saw the look on our faces, after I and she had talked about it the other day she understood when she turned to the clock and then sat down without another word as the minutes ticked by until…

 _8: 31_

I guess that was it. One month ago exactly, at the minute the biggest wave in memory had rolled into the beach, trees, buildings and people or anything that was close enough, crushing everything in its way.

We all jumped high when suddenly a high- pitched phone signal sounded through the room and quickly located it to Ryan's pocket while he pulled it up and checked the screen.

He mumbled something to the phone, and didn't raise his slumped position when he put the phone to his ear and pressed the green button.

"What do you want?"

None of us sat close enough to hear what the person calling said, or even the noise of their voice. But I did see the look on Ryan's face and heard his words.

All the times he had just been as careful and polite as anyone could have asked for. This was something else.

"What?"

Suddenly Ryan sat up straight, then stood up holding onto one crutch and made his way through the kitchen, leaned the crutch against the kitchen counter and took the pencil and notebook that laid in the corner.

"When they're here then?"

He noted something, and seemed to have some trouble keeping his balance. He also hm'd a bit to the phone until he at last dropped the pencil on the counter.

"At four PM?... I'll have to make sure we're there… Okay… See you there."

At last Ryan lowered his phone and stared down on the notebook as if the words he had scrabbled down was something of the most interesting he had seen in his whole house.

"Ryan… Are you okay kid?"

"Yeah…" Barely making his voice heard he looked up and straight into my eyes. "As it turns out… My mum and Trey are on their way to Chino right now."

 **Random fact**

The quotes from the series are right at the beginning. Kirsten saying. "Ryan is going to stay with us now" and Seth "That's awesome". That clip is on YouTube and I've watched it over and over and over and over…


	31. The finding out

**Thanks to guest for reviewing.**

With Ryan, who usually didn't say much many moments during the last month had been so tense someone could have cut through the air with a knife.

But driving from Newport Beach and to Chino January the 26th it was way quieter than I could ever have imagined.

"Left here…" The only words spoken was when Ryan led the way and told me where to turn. "And right ahead… And to the right… And we're here."

I pulled over by a small building, from the outside so dirty I couldn't understand how it could ever be as clean and hygienic as a hospital should be.

"Well…" I pulled over at one of the handicap spots. "Do you need any help?"

"I'm good."

There wasn't a trace of feeling in Ryan's voice.

And I would have preferred if he was screaming and crying.

Still, we were finally on our way to somewhat know what had happened to Ryan's mum and brother. So if there was a lump in my stomach and I couldn't breathe then I could never have imagined what it was like for the boy with crutches right next to me.

"Here's the reception." Ryan showed me the way through the doors, into a waiting room with a reception desk which a dark- skinned woman standing behind it with some paper sheets lying in between her and the reception glass. "Well, this is where my dad told me he'd be waiting." Ryan looked around, and so did I, before I shook my head- this was a new low for Ryan's dad!

"No sign of your dad. Unless he's waiting somewhere else… Excuse me?" I caught the attention of the receptionist. "Do you know if Frances Atwood have come around? If he's been here… Or if he could have been taken somewhere to wait…"

"He shouldn't have been taken away." The receptionist frowned. "…No… I haven't seen him. But I think, there's been words going around… Ryan, right?" In the corner of my eye I could see Ryan nodding. "And you are?"

We would have to find a way to explain this.

"It's a long story… but I'm currently his guardian. Or… the closest thing there'll be… My name is Sandy Cohen."

The receptionist didn't at all look like she trusted me or my story.

"He's telling the truth." Ryan said. "We met in Thailand, after the wave and… well after that it really is a long story."

"Can you at least show me an ID?"

"Yes." I pulled my wallet out of my pocket and my ID card out of it, then showed it to her and she gave a nod. "Well… what's going to happen now?"

The receptionist still looked like she didn't trust me. But what choice did she have here today.

"Tina" The receptionist had grabbed a phone that stood on her desk. "Ryan Atwood is here along with his guardian. Should I show them downstairs?... No, it's not his dad. I don't know where he is…" The receptionist held the phone away from her ear and leaned towards us. "Might it be that your father got the wrong time?"

"No." Ryan shook his head. "He got the correct time…" The receptionist put the phone back to her ear and only I heard Ryan mumble more. "…I can promise you that."

"Okay. Half an hour? Yeah," she put the phone down and turned to us again. "You can just sit here in the waiting room and wait and the Autopsy nurse will be with you in thirty minutes. If you see your father coming in then please let us know."

There would be nothing we had to let them know.

"What's an autopsy nurse? Do you know that?" Ryan shrugged. "I don't know either."

And so they passed by, second after second, minute after minute. Thirty minutes passed by, forty five, and at last, after more than an hour a nurse came running and I just knew it was her.

"Still no sign of Frances?" Ryan shook his head, he- as well as me had looked up every time the doors opened. But none of the times it had been his dad. "I don't think there's any reason to wait any longer honey. Follow me and I'll show you the way."

With a glance and a smile towards Ryan Tina turned around and then started walking through the hallway and then through a door and into an elevator.

"There are way too many floors in this place." She said with another smile when she pressed the right button and the elevator started going down. "Are you good with the crutches or should I get a wheelchair to give you some rest?"

"I'm good."

I couldn't help but watch Ryan. Suddenly realizing that with every step he took all of his weight was put on his shoulders. Anyone else, of any age- myself included would have taken any chance to use a wheelchair. And still whine every chance they got for anyone and everyone to hear it.

I had never heard Ryan complain in the very slightest though.

"Here we go."

Through another hallway and another door was opened.

My stomach was in knots already before I saw the word "morgue" written on the door.

I saw Ryan when he saw it too and somehow he just tensed, still in a way that was almost invisible for me or Tina or anyone else.

"I promise you there are no haunting ghosts or monsters here. But of course, when corpses are taken here that we aren't sure who they are, but have a clue we still need to…" Tina had turned to Ryan and she must have seen something of what I saw or she wouldn't have stopped. "Oh honey. You thought they were patients here, didn't you?"

"I…" Ryan cleared his throat. "I guess I knew… Now, let's just get it over with."

"If you want us to slow down then you just tell us… I don't know where it went wrong in the communication. But it should have gotten through every step of the way… what… where here they would have come to. Now… Do you want Mr. Cohen to come with you or should he wait here?"

"I… I…" Ryan cleared his throat again. "I'd like him to stay. Moral support you know."

"I know." Tina grabbed the door, I was somehow relieved that Ryan had at least been able to speak his wishes that I could come with him. Two days ago he still would have done what he thought I thought. For the moment Tina gave a sad smile towards the both of us and then pulled the heavy, thick door open. "In difference from what many people believe or imagine it does not smell like rotting flesh in here. But it does have a strange smell. If you want to you can have this small stick with lotion you put right under your nose- it smells like mint so you won't feel what's around you?"

"I'm good."

"Actually… that sounds good."

Finally but way too soon we stepped over the threshold slowly, I had laid my hand on Ryan's shoulder and didn't let go but was still ready to catch him if he fell. I wouldn't be surprised if he did…

Ryan turned his head and looked at me. He was mostly in himself and kind of callous like he usually did. Still there was a glimmer in his eye of how much he was hurting and that he didn't wish for anything in the world to be alone in this.

"It's okay." I kept my hand on his shoulder and rubbed it with my thumb. "You're in charge over what happens here. If you want me to go then tell me. Thanks." The nurse handed me a stick that seemed much like lipstick to me.

"Whenever you're ready sweetheart."

"Now, the bodies are in plastic bags. And those we believe are your mother and brother are number thirteen and fourteen. If you want me to make a pause or anything then don't be afraid to speak up. I have seen all kinds of wishes." She pulled out the lid in the wall, now revealing a plastic bag with a zipper on the front that still couldn't hide the shape of what was in it.

"Are you ready?"

"Yeah."

I wasn't so sure I was…

My heart was beating so hard I could feel it in my ears when Tina reached up and slightly pulled down the zipper.

The woman inside the bag could just as well have been sleeping, on her face no harm was done and her blonde hair laid around her head like a halo.

But she wasn't sleeping…

And whatever Ryan must be feeling now I couldn't even imagine.

"Is this your mother?"

Well that was a question to ask an eleven-year-old in what was going on. Whatever could Frank be doing that kept him away from this?

"Yes."

I suppressed a gasp and once again forced myself to keep quiet. That I couldn't have a say in this and whatever I was feeling I had to keep strong for Ryan. But the boy to my side was as still as a statue and didn't move a muscle when the nurse pushed his mother's dead body back through the wall. And then only turned around to watch her do the same as she had just done with Dawn's body. To what was possibly Trey's.

In difference from Ryan's mum this boy's whole face, it looked like the whole had been cut in half, and- while someone had tried to clean it as much as possible, but the blood was too dried in clumps and so were the clumps of blood and brown hair. There were gashes to the sides of his face, while the other half of it was surprisingly clean and unhurt.

"Is this your brother?"

"I- I.." For the first time since we got here Ryan's voice shook, he stopped for a second and then tried again. "I'm not sure… If it's him he's got a scar in his hand and arm. Can I touch him?"

"Go on honey."

Ryan leaned down and pulled down the zipper a bit more, then carefully reached down, took the hand of the young boy and turned it so he could see the palm.

I hadn't known what kind of scar there even was there. But despite the skin being pale and rubber-like I too could see the thin, white line that ran from the boy's palm and almost down to his elbow.

"It's him."

This time I wasn't near gasping. I could just feel my heart break into pieces over the boy in front of me, so much stronger than I could ever have been.

Tina pushed the stretcher back into the wall and closed it, then turned towards us one more time.

"I'm so sorry honey… Would you like something? To be left alone for a minute? Some water? Anything at all?"

"No."

I would more than ever had preferred if Ryan had started screaming and crying. What was I supposed to do in this?

"Well if you're sure…"

"I'm sure."

Tina showed us to turn around and leave the room for the hallway before she closed the door after us and walked back through the hallway.

"Well. I would like to make a pause and let you think about things. And of course, wait until you or we could reach your dad but there's only so long we can wait. At first. The bodies can't stay here off course. And funerals and graveyards and everything might happen automatically. But it really doesn't. I don't work with those. But there's a preacher in the hospital chapel now. I can show you to the chapel. The preacher or deacon on duty will be right there and can give you some opinions about what to do now with a funeral or cremation or whatever feels best for you. Or do you have any idea what your mother or brother would prefer?"

"We never really talked about… such things."

"I know honey… You just never expect something tragic like this to happen and all of a sudden you're in the middle of it. But… Oh man. The preacher of course knows a whole lot more about this than what I do and I'm sure that under these circumstances you can find something that suits everyone. Just here." She showed us into the same elevator as before, went up a few floors and then showed us out again and threw a door into one hallway. "CHARLES?"

"Mhm." After a couple of seconds waiting a man came through a door at the bottom of the hallway. It said "offices" and he closed it after him. "I can see you brought some friends." He grabbed his glasses that laid on a table in the hallway. "Now that's where I put those. Yeah?"

I couldn't hear the exact words she chose but the preacher "Charles" frowned and nodded and answered something else I couldn't hear.

"I'll have to leave you at this point." Tina told turned to Ryan. "But I promise you, you're in the best of hands. This is preacher Charles Johannsen." She gave one last comforting smile and not and then left the room.

"I… First of all, just call me Charles. That preacher Johannsen- stuff makes me want to… I don't even know what. Anyway, I've been told a little about you so I'm guessing you're here to find out a bit more about what happens after death?"

I was pretty sure I wasn't the only one in this room who thought this all went terribly too fast. And it was only made worse by knowing there wasn't much else to do.

"Well." Charles took a leaflet from a hanger on the wall with the text on saying "What happens after death" "Should we sit down? Of course… As I've heard you aren't his dad." I shook my head agreeing. "Well, this has to be looked at and hopefully chosen by a guardian. But you can at least tell me a bit about what you'd li… what might seem like the best option for the… bodies of your passed away family members- I'm very sorry for your loss. I'll let you riffle through that or maybe you would like to tell you just."

"I'd like to take a look on this…"

Charles nodded and then waited quietly with me while Ryan riffled through the leaflet and seemed to almost read carefully each and every letter. But fast enough he folded it and laid it on the table.

"Anything that look better than the others?"

"I do know don't want a grave or anything that I have to go to and keep clean all the time… I really don't want to have to take care of this at all. As harsh as it might sound."

"Not harsh at all. There are more people than you think choosing this. There's a piece of the graveyard where it's made up for exactly that type. And then it starts with a cremation. Do you know what that is?" Ryan nodded. "And then you take the ashes and bury or spread them. At this corner there are flowers, a tree with a small bench under it and of course you can go there at any time you like. But there won't be a headstone or a plaque. The ones buried there are all anonymous for anyone but family or friends. A small service with a preacher can still be held… Can you hear a single word of what I'm saying?"

It sure didn't look like it!

Ryan must be tired out of his mind and hadn't been able to catch a break, now he just sat and I could see somewhere he was trying to concentrate but ended up staring just right ahead of him, lost as in another world.

"What?"

"I think you've had enough for today, am I right?"

"Mhm, no… I don't know. Look! I'm not religious or anything."

"And you certainly don't have to be to come up here or talk to me or any of my colleagues if you need advice or support of some kind that we can give you. And I'm thinking that now, before anything else we're going to try and contact your father. Now." Charles took another couple of leaflets from the same hanger as before. "If you want to know more than you can take a look at these. But I think you need some resting." Charles ruffled through Ryan's hair. "God bless you, my child."

And then just like that, it was over and we were outside, still on the pavement and Ryan turned back towards the door for just a second before we turned to go home.

"Whoa."

The short distance in between Ryan and me on the spot was endless when I shot forward and caught him in my arms when he lost his balance and the crutches fell with bangs towards the asphalted parking lot.

"Hey, hey, hey. It's okay…" When I had my arms wrapped around him enough to be sure Ryan wouldn't have to hit the ground if I let go I half pulled, half carried him over to a bench attached to the wall, where I carefully let go of him as he sat down and sat next to him.

Sure I'd seen and heard panic attacks before. But never had I ever heard as fast hyperventilating that made an invisible belt pull around my chest as if it was me who couldn't breathe.

"Oh Ryan." It was mostly a whisper when I started rubbing circles towards his back. "Just breathe, try and breathe."

Even I heard how stupid I sounded. But what was I supposed to say? There was nothing I could say that would take his pain away. There was nothing I could do to turn time back around and make sure his family came back on the other side. Today's side.

Ryan sat leaned forward, his elbow on his knee and fingers wrapped in his hair. It looked that he could fall to the side without being able to get up. But he sat and from the start, during the closest few minutes and then, when his breaths finally slowed down until he at last sat up.

I had expected that he was crying. But when he sat up I could see his cheeks were dry and from what I'd heard he hadn't been sobbing.

"Ryan?" When he sat up and leaned back towards the wall he didn't seem awake. "Ryan? Are you still with me kid?..." I waited for a few seconds. "Ryan? Can you hear me? Talk to me."

"Mhm." Ryan nodded. "Yeah… I'm fine."

"Here." I jumped high, I hadn't seen nor heard her coming but suddenly Tina was right nearby us holding Ryan's crutches and a bottle of 7up. "We see these every day. Don't you worry about it. Here, try and breathe and take small, slow sips. Yeah, I know it sounds stupid…"

"You must have gotten it for someone else…"

"I don't care. Here, take it."

Ryan only looked up on Tina as if deciding if she was being serious. She gave him another stern look and he took the bottle with shaky hands and took a few small sips before he reached the bottle back to the nurse who just snorted at him.

"You don't care about that." She ruffled in Ryan's hair. "Take care of yourself… and you too." She looked back at me. "Take care of him, or you'll have me to deal with."

I couldn't help but smile back at her as she walked away. But my smile soon faded when I looked back on Ryan who was as quiet as ever holding the plastic bottle in his hands and didn't seem to know what to do.

"You look like you want to say something."

Ryan hesitated and shrugged.

I could tell he wanted to say something.

"It's okay. You can tell me if you want."

I wasn't about to try and put too much- or any pressure on him so I ended up only waiting for minute after minute.

"I'm just… I don't… It's kind of stupid…"

"I'm sure it wasn't stupid…" Ryan sighed deeply and shakily. "You can tell me if you want to."

"I just…" He started at all. "I want to know if I'm ever going to be alone."

 **About that funeral and type of graveyard I could be crazy wrong about all of it. I've been shown around a big graveyard near where I live where they have a piece like that. But it's a thousand years ago and also, I'm protestant- not Catholic nor Jewish. I tried to research just a little bit but I still didn't know the English words and hopefully I made sense.**

 **I know they're doing their jobs and as good as they can and everything. But I just find it so sad when Tina and Charles just rush through things. Ryan just found out half of his family are dead and saw and identified their bodies. Give him a break!**

 **Random fact**

I've had that scene in the morgue planned out since I started this story. It was just one of those scenes that was all clear from the start.


	32. The leaving

**I accidentally posted the latest chapter of another one of my story an hour or two ago. Here is the actual chapter for this story.**

 **Thanks to all the guests for reviewing.**

 **Of course there'll be a whole process of fostering and adopting for Ryan and the Cohen's now. And I've been doing some research. Of course I'll try and do as good as I can. But still I have storylines planned out and not all of it can be all right. So… I hope you can all live with the way it's going to be. Correct or not I'll try and make it realistic. Okay? We're cool? Great!**

 **Guest review written May 23d:  
** I'm not sure about anyone else, but I noticed the quote from the show. I'm also not sure about anyone else, but I'm just as disappointed as I am surprised about Dawn and Trey. I don't think that you ever said if they were the same as on TV. I mean alcoholics, drug addicts and is Dawn unfit, neglectful and abusive to Ryan. I was hoping that they were gone for good. Maybe they're on they're way to Chino, but you didn't say if they were alive.  
Uh oh.  
 **Answer from Linneagb:** I don't know about others neither. But good job- I probably couldn't have recognized a quote like that. However the relationships has been in between Ryan and the rest of his family will of course be shown later into the story too. And now, with the latest chapter I put up the other day you know where Trey and Dawn ended up. I made sure on purpose I didn't let you know what state they were in.  
Thanks for reading and review.

 **First guest review written May 24** **th** **:** I saw what you wrote in your note about Ryan catching a break. No, that would be too soon, not at all realistic and just wouldn't make for a good story. It's all in the struggle and the journey and his life has been one struggle after another. It's part of what creates empathy and investment while you just root so much for him and feel so much for him no matter what he goes through.  
So Dawn and Trey, among others, never wanted Ryan around. In Dawn's case, she never wanted him at all, like Frank and any of the violent men who came after him. I have to be thinking if that's still the case here with Ryan never being wanted, a mistake and burden, and hurt by whoever had the power and the chance.  
And now you've written another one too.  
Also, I see you referred back to the early episodes of the show with the quote.  
Next chapter.  
 **Answer from Linneagb:** Don't worry. I meant more than I thought the nurse and the preacher and everybody else should give him some time to breathe. I'll try and stay as realistic as I possibly can. So, now you know somewhat of what happened to Dawn and Trey and they obviously won't come back. Poor Ryan though. Thank you for reading and reviewing. Here's the newest chapter, I hope you like it.

 **Second guest review written May 24** **th** : I wasn't sure if you had Ryan headed to the hospital to identify bodies or to see someone alive, which seemed farfetched. The morgue made a lot more sense.  
You do a good job of describing Ryan and his traits before, during and after. It's important to include how he accepts what's done to him and what he has to face, deal with and overcome somehow. He never would complain, expect help, imagine anyone would care about him and would never want to be a bother. Having Sandy, who feels overwhelmed and powerless to help, observe and try to guess what Ryan might be going through and feeling and not knowing what to do is very effective. Focusing on how they bond is very important and some of the best parts of the story. I'm not sure how to interpret the last sentence, but Ryan has to feel very alone, not that he hasn't before.  
Thanks for a very moving new chapter and with plenty of insights into Ryan and how he and Sandy interact. Good stuff.  
 **Answer from Linneagb** : I knew very well I didn't let you know whether Dawn and Trey was dead or alive. I'm so happy you think I'm doing it well. I'm pretty sure Sandy could have handled better if Ryan had been screaming and crying. I hope you did like the ending sentence anyway. Ryan must feel so terrible after everything. More than I could ever imagine. Thanks for reading and reviewing. Here's the newest chapter.  
 **Third guest review written May 24** **th** **:** Having Sandy as the eyes and ears reacting and also watching Ryan and reacting to how Ryan responds helps to tell more about the story. Sandy already met Ryan in a very difficult, painful, extreme situation and that never really changed, just the place for Ryan. Ryan's always been alone. Sandy has known that Ryan's stoic, has to protect himself and has had always had a hard life, but each time he experiences something with Ryan and looks on to see how Ryan handles things and himself, it's more revealing. For one thing, Sandy is more invested and closer to Ryan now with more of an investment. Ryan keeps surprising him. Sandy is so upset and can't imagine how Ryan can accept and figure out how to deal with whatever is thrown at him at a young age.  
I wasn't sure who was on the phone, only guessed it was someone who Ryan didn't want to talk to. Frank never wanted to see Ryan again, so why would he show up at the hospital? His wife and son are his responsibility, since he's their closest relative, but will he do anything for burials? I guess that's his problem.  
I actually liked Tina for the most part. She had to do her job, but she was kind to Ryan, who never has anyone take any time to notice at all.  
I really like having Sandy try to do what he could and have that time with just Ryan and Sandy. That's crucial for Ryan and makes for a great story.  
Thanks for writing again. **  
Answer from Linneagb:** They've all been through some terrible, but Ryan's worse off than the others and it just breaks my heart. Especially with how Ryan just won't let anyone else close or to let others help him.  
Frank was on the phone. Even though he said he didn't want anything more to do with Ryan. He'll sort out the burials but still in the simplest ways. I sort of liked Tina too. She was nice. Sandy's great. We all could need someone like him in our lives, couldn't we?  
I'm so happy you like my story. Thanks for reading and reviewing.

 **Just a short chapter from Ryan's pov.**

It had just taken all of me to say that one sentence. And never would I ever had said it to anyone else than Sandy Cohen.

"Ryan?" Sandy shook my shoulder. "Ryan. Look at me."

I hesitated for just one second and then obeyed and my blue eyes met his- also blue. We spent every day in the same house and still I had never seen him look as sternly at me as he did.

Whenever mum or dad or even Trey had looked like that they were about to hit me and I crouched where I sat.

"Ryan… You'll never have to be alone. Never ever, not as long as I'm here, do you hear me? Never. And not Kirsten or Seth either… I promise you."

A lump was rising in my throat but I forced it down again. I wasn't going to cry, no way. Maybe when I was alone but not here and not now.

"Ehrm..." I said at last and grabbed the crutches Tina had come with here. "I guess the only thing left is to go home… Just one thing Sandy. When we get back? Can I go into the pool house and you answer whatever question Kirsten and Seth has? I don't know… I just need some time to think."

"Sure I can kiddo. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

I shook my head and yet another time I had to force that stupid lump in my throat.

"How did it go?" Seth was in front of us at the moment I was over the threshold. "What did they say?"

I could have hit him in the head with a crutch. But that thought had me gasping- I had always thought I had been different from my family. That I could never ever hurt someone physically on purpose. And here I was…

"Not now Seth… Is there anything you want from the kitchen or the living room Ryan? Or do you want to…" Without waiting for him to finish the question I, as quickly as I could made my way through the house and out into the back yard.

Then as soon as I had the door closed behind me and the blinds down, I collapsed on the bed.

Maybe I should have been crying but now I couldn't. Not a single tear I could shed, there was only that empty feeling in my chest that now it was gone.

All of it was gone.

All of them were gone.

And I laid awake all night throwing myself back and forth, couldn't sleep and felt those feelings and thoughts spinning in my head.

A couple of times I thought I heard the kitchen door to the house open and someone coming towards the pool house. But each time it showed to be my mind playing tricks on me.

Still a part of me wished that someone would come out here…

I didn't want anyone to say anything. There were no words that could make this feel any better.

But I wouldn't have minded if Sandy came around, held me tight and just told me everything was going to be alright.

But then of course, there were many times I had wished for my mum to do the same.

And she never had.

 **Random fact**

I promise you guys this was not an easy chapter to write. What on earth would Ryan be thinking after everything? Well I had to think of something.


	33. The helpless

**Thanks to guest for reviewing.**

 **Guest review:** Poor Ryan has to bear the consequences for everyone's carelessness and mistakes on top of the random acts and forces in the world.  
I'm glad that Sandy was able to keep Seth from pouncing, but then there's the dilemma of also being able to help and not just leaving an 11-year-old on his own after saying he'd never be alone. It's so hard to find the right balance, but I hope that Sandy can.  
Thanks for also giving a little of an idea of how Ryan had been left to deal before, not having someone to count on or turn to. Dawn, Frank, etc. were never people who wanted Ryan or to deal with him, especially when they had made his life miserable.  
Now I just wish someone would comfort him, not that there are any easy answers.  
Thanks for updating quickly.  
 **Answer from Linneagb:** Poor Ryan indeed. I'll never understand how anyone could treat another person- let alone a kid such as Dawn and Frank treated Ryan. And now it's worse than ever of course.  
Of course Sandy isn't going through anything near of Ryan's right now. But he must too have felt upset when he knew he had to obey to Ryan's wishes. Or at least the ones Ryan did speak out loud.  
I'm not sure how many answers you'll get from this chapter. But then from the next you'll actually start getting more and more. And I can't wait to show you. I just have to decide and plan out how it all will be.  
I could seriously update this story only and every other day or so. And people reviewing always helps me. Thanks for reading and reviewing.  
-Linnéa

 **The number of reviews slowed down again… maybe that was a sign from updating like three times in less than a week or so… Anyway, here's the latest chapter and I hope you like it.**

 **When I put up the last chapter I accidentally put up the latest chapter of another story. A couple of hours later I noticed and changed it. I'm sorry for any confusion…**

 **And here we go, back to Sandy's pov.**

Thursday the twenty seventh of January 2005 I woke up stiffly, after another whole house on the living room couch instead of my bed.

I had tried to sleep, but as soon as I closed my eyes the looks that had been on Ryan's face the last few hours had haunted me. Just as the face on his mother's, and the way his brother's face looked as if split in half must haunt him.

Shivers went through my body while I sat up. The look on Ryan's face, Dawn, Trey…

What I wouldn't have done to take all of Ryan's pain and move it onto myself. Despite only having known each other for just over a month I cared as much for him as I only did otherwise for my nearest family.

And somewhere in the middle of it all I knew that that was what Ryan was becoming.

I yawned when I sat up, I could hear Kirsten and Seth in their rooms and getting ready for the day. Apparently I was the one who had slept for the long, and I could only guess Ryan was up too. But when I went into the kitchen and looked across the patio there was no sign of life in the pool house and he wasn't in the house.

I had decided last night to at least give him as privacy as he wished at least for the night. I wasn't going to stop now, but as any decent father figure- I couldn't just leave him be. So while I took my own bagel and coffee I took two others for Ryan. He didn't have more than a couple of fruits and water in the pool house so I could at least make sure he didn't starve.

"Great. Salty bagel."

I was just pouring up juice in an old cola bottle (to make sure I didn't pour it all out before I even reached the pool house Seth came into the kitchen and checked the cupboard for more bagels and then took one of the halves already schmeared before my tired, slow mind had the time to react.

"HEY!"

When I at last could react Seth had already put it in his mouth and was stuck without chewing and holding in his hand.

I so did not feel like yelling at anyone right now.

"I schmeared those for Ryan…"

"Should I put it back?"

Seth looked as if he was about to cry- over a stupid sandwich!

"No, of course not. Just… Ask next time you see something we are trying to make."

"I'd never do that before, and I still was never in any trouble."

"You're not in trouble. Half a bagel from two whole, now that's not a catastrophe…"

"Three quarters left."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You finish your meal and I'll take this out."

"I'm sorry dad."

"Don't worry about it… Can you open the door for me?" Seth obeyed, and when I showed him to be quiet also ran across the patio, knocked and quietly opened the door to the pool house while I whispered a thank you. "Ryan?"

When I came into the pool house Ryan laid sprawled on the bed with arms over his head and his head straight on the mattress instead of on the pillows, there were dark stains still (of sweat I'd guess) under him and right next to him, and the quilt laid on the floor. He must have kicked it off.

Ryan himself was asleep.

Something told me that he hadn't slept all night and I wasn't about to wake him up. I put the tray on the bedside table, he'd find it when he woke up…

I did however take the quilt from the floor and draped it over the young boy. Ryan turned, he had had one hand under a pillow holding something. And when he lowered his arms in the move one of his hands I could see his fingers clutched the blue teddy bear I had been given when I went to Chino to get his things what felt like a thousand years ago.

A lot of things felt like a thousand years ago right now, even last night.

When I came back into the house I could hear the shower going and Seth was in the sofa holding a game console he couldn't use with one hand in a hand.

"Dad." I slumped down next to him and leaned back tiredly. "Mum spoke to the doctor yesterday. And he said that on Tuesday I can come and have an x-ray of my arm. And then maybe I will be able to get this big cast off and have a smaller cast of just my wrist on instead. Isn't that awesome. Then I'll be able to play video games again and I and Ryan can compete against each other."

"Mhm."

I had to think Seth would be able to give this more thought before the PlayStation was actually on instead of throwing it right into Ryan's face.

"I had a weird dream tonight. I dreamt I was so big that when the wave came in at the beach I just had to held my hands out and then I stopped it and sent it back out at sea."

"Mhm."

I could just see in front of me how a ginormous sized Seth stood in front of the wave coming in and stopped it. Another moment it would have caught my mind too.

But right now I just wished for Seth to go away and… well, maybe get me an aspirin before he disappeared.

"Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah, fine."

Why did I say that? My head was pounding, the lights hurt in my eyes- and Seth's voice…

"Well. Remember I told you about that comic I got…"

Oh yeah, I remembered. I didn't mind talking about comics otherwise- although I never minded talking with Seth about something he liked.

"Dad?"

Gosh, what would it take for him to go away?

"Dad?"

"What?"

"I saw an alien coming from the sky tonight. And he told me that he'd come and take you away unless you started listening to what I'm saying."

"Huh?" I shook my head and returned to reality. "Sorry, I was just thinking about…"

"Ryan." Seth interrupted and it wasn't a question. "I know."

Seth pouted slightly. But I was just too tired and confused, with too much on my mind I couldn't get the simple reason why.

"No, actually I was thinking about work." Something told me that might feel better to Seth. "I don't know if there's something that has to be done there. But Laura e-mailed me about something yesterday." I made up a quick lie, Jason had told me very clearly that none of them would ask me for anything until I was back in person. "So I have to go there to see what it was… what is it?"

Seth pouted still and backed from where he stood by the couch next to me. He then turned and his footsteps were hard with every one of them when he made his way up the stairs and slammed the door after him.

I rubbed my forehead, whatever Seth wasn't happy about now I just didn't have the energy or capability of thinking enough right now.

I went into the kitchen where Kirsten stood by the stove that was turned on and she had onions, chili, garlic, spaghetti and olive oil put up on the counter next to her.

If there was something I didn't think I'd get out of this way it was for sure that my wife would stand by the stove and try to make a meal.

"Are you trying to get all of us killed?"

I gave a short laugh. But the word only of "killed" so soon after what I had seen yesterday made an invisible hand take a hard grip around my lungs and for just a couple of seconds I couldn't breathe.

"Very funny… I just thought that it was quite a bit of time since I last cooked something. And I literally searched up the simplest recipe I could find. The hardest part will be to boil the pasta, I think I can actually get this doing." I couldn't help but smile.

"I have to go to work to get some papers done." I lied to my wife. "You can call me if you need me, as you know. Something is up with Seth, have you talked with him?" Kirsten shook her head. "I think it's something about Ryan. But I suppose we'll know." I gave a small smile. "Seth usually isn't the one who keeps quiet when there's something he wants to say." I gave one last glance out the window and towards the pool house but there still wasn't any sight of life behind the blinds.

I tip-toed into the place when I came into the office. I wouldn't mind to just get just a few minutes of my own.

Mostly, as many others at many kinds of jobs I usually kept the door in between the hallway and my room open unless I had a private meeting in there. I could probably count on my fingers how many times I'd had it closed. But now, coming into the office, as a first I closed the door and lowered the blinds in the windows on the wall and then walked around the desk and sunk down on the desk chair.

Leaning my elbows against the desk I put my head in my hands, from my face and then wrapped all ten fingers into my hair.

I'd look like a scarecrow when I got out of here. But I couldn't have cared less…

When I thought back, the memories of how we'd gotten here made my head spin.

But then, how on earth were we going to get to a point that would be alright for everyone?

I flinched when suddenly there was a loud signal from my phone. And it took me a few seconds to realize that while I thought I'd been sitting in my desk chair leaned back for a second, it had been more likely almost an hour.

"Hey."

"Sandy…" Kirsten didn't mind about greeting me first. "I think you better come here. We… Ryan needs you."

 **Random fact**

I just learnt the word schmeared. It's a funny word. It sounds like the Swedish word "smöra" so I'm guessing those two are related something. Schmear, schmear, schmear… can't you hear it's a funny word? (I'm like Sandy with that word "yogalates," can you notice?)

 **Cliffhanger for you all. I hope you liked the chapter.**


	34. The unlucky

**Thanks to breather89 and guests for reviewing.**

 **Guest:** My heart keeps breaking over and over for Ryan, but my respect for him keeps growing too.  
And you've already written another chapter!  
 **Answer from Linneagb:** I know, I don't know how I can do all this to him. He's such a strong boy. Right now I can't help but write and write again for this story, it's just because I have so many ideas for it. But for this chapter I haven't quite worked out how everything will be done or what order it will come in. Thanks for reading and reviewing.

 **Guest:** Yes, both words are funny and strange, which I guess is supposed to be the point. Andy you really did end with a cliffhanger of sorts!  
Thanks for a really engrossing chapter. Ryan might have been asleep, but Sandy gives plenty of insights into Ryan's plight with how he himself is feeling: drained, distraught, overwhelmed, helpless, still determined, hurting for Ryan, uncertain. I could definitely identify with how he just couldn't deal with Seth. Honestly? I never can or could. Whether it's just him or because of his parents or both, things have always been about him, so he expects and demands undivided attention until he wants nothing to do with anyone. But back to more important matters. You describe Sandy's feelings and predicament very well and that carries over to what Ryan is going through. There's also the bond that has become so strong so quickly. The teddy bear was a really wrenching touch, almost tearjerking.  
Yes, I'm ready for more. Thanks! **  
Answer from Linneagb:** I know, right? Words are strange…  
You're welcome for the chapter. I just have the ideas and then write them and add details and hopefully it ends up something good. Poor Ryan, but in this I also feel sorry for Sandy- he's supposed to be there for Ryan and also Kirsten and Seth, and then he has to think about getting back to his job and however Ryan will stay with them or not and how. Poor Sandy! And I don't think people see him in everything that's going on with both Ryan and Seth.  
I love having scenes like the one with a teddy bear. I also have my old Bamse (Teddy bear in Norwegian) that I'll never let go of and then I'll just think about that and write something. Thanks for reading and reviewing.  
Here's what's next. I hope you'll like it.

 **Guest:** The title of the chapter is right on. Good job of with Sandy's perspective, getting inside of his head, and getting a better read on Ryan and their relationship through Sandy's feelings. And if he's exhausted and feeling the way he is as an adult used to a stressful profession and someone who has a very strong support system and a very good life, he knows that he can't understand everything bombarding Ryan physically and emotionally. He also can't help being short-tempered with his son, someone who is so different from Ryan and really can't understand from his privileged point of view and life. It doesn't make Sandy a bad parent, only human. He has to be starting to see how they might not have made the best decisions when he either chose to or went along with Kirsten and spoiled Seth as much as they did beyond being an only child. Right now, he's getting a taste of something he never imagined and watching as things he discovers about Ryan's life just keep getting worse. If he ever for a minute took anything for granted, he's not now. He's really becoming personally invested more and more and that means more emotionally attached, so he hurts more.  
Thanks for all of the details. As for the ending, I guess that means waiting.  
 **Answer from Linneagb:** Since the word helpless was never used in the chapter I hoped it would still shine through and suit and as it seems it did so thanks for mentioning. Poor Sandy, he's got so much to bear now and yet he can only think about Ryan… And there comes Seth and Kirsten and you'll see more of that in this chapter. He's not a bad parent or husband or friend… But he's not perfect and the last chapter was starting to show that he's exhausted. He didn't grow up in this and therefore doesn't take it for granted like many others. Now poor Sandy again, he has to worry about himself but everything else seems more important and it only hurts. And right now there are no answers, only questions and pain. Thanks for reading and reviewing. Here's the newest chapter.

 **When Polyvore was still up I made a cover picture for this story. None of us can get on Polyvore now, but you can go on Instagram "Linneagbfanfiction" and see when I put the cover up.**

"What?"

I had probably never driven as fast as in between work and home like I did the day I had the phone call from Kirsten. And soon I ran into the house- that was quite empty it seemed.

"Ryan's in the living." Kirsten was picking up something from the floor and when she laid it on the counter I saw it was pieces of a porcelain plate. "Don't worry- I dropped it and nothing else. Ryan's in the pool house. Seth is in his room and Ryan's in the living room. I'm sorry but I can't tell you who you should talk to first."

I raised an eyebrow slightly, Kirsten had often seemed tired and distressed lately. There was something I couldn't quite put my finger on about her and I knew she needed me more than she would tell.

"Ryan?" I walked into the living room, not until I looked around I found the blonde sitting on the couch with the TV turned off and, as I could see- only his thoughts keep him company. "Are you alright?" No reply, I felt the frown I my forehead digging even deeper and went to sit down next to him. "What's up?"

Still no reply, if I didn't know better I would have thought he couldn't hear me at all.

"I can understand if this is hard for you…"

And I never came any further.

"No you can't." Ryan suddenly fizzled and I jumped high, this was something I hadn't expected. "You can't understand so don't pretend you do. Not even twenty-four hours ago I saw my brother with his whole face split in two and I didn't say anything. But I wasn't fine. And here everything's just going on as normal. I went to put the dishes in the kitchen and Seth came around, and said something about having lost his best friend." I swallowed- god no! "A stupid plastic horse. And… you don't know. You don't know what came before this. You have everything, just look at this mansion. The pool house only is bigger than my old house. You don't know what it's like to not know if you can stay there or the landlord will take it away because no one can pay the rent and you end up homeless. You don't know what it's like when you're twisting and turning every single dime to be able to buy food. And still…" He gave a stern look and pointed to himself. "…It doesn't last for everyone and someone has to go hungry."

A fire was burning in Ryan's eyes, this was the reaction that was ought to come sooner or later.

"And you can just pay for… everything without having to worry for a second. Seth can ask for money for comic books or video games that he probably won't touch after the first day. He could even take your money just like that, and you wouldn't even notice. That's how much you have."

"Wh-what…" I stuttered. "What money are you talking about?"

"But money- money isn't it all. Do you remember the first time you came and visited me in the hospital? Do you remember that you moaned about your mum and siblings driving you crazy? Well at least you have them. Can't you be a tiny bit grateful for anything instead of seeing what you can't have."

Ryan's eyes had lost the fire burning in them, his voice had lost the angry tone in it.

"You don't know what it's like…" Ryan said after a pause. "You had a family to come home to…" There was another pause and I thought back to our family members that had been waiting for us coming at the airport. "I have no one."

Before I'd had the time to answer, or think about a single word Ryan reached over and took an envelope from the table that he shoved into my hand. "That's the money that was left over from when you gave us the cash you had to get a comic book and pancakes. Seth said we split it in half and keep it but… I can't."

Ryan made himself ready to stand up, before so I laid my hand on his shoulder and gently pulled him back.

"I know we can't replace your family. But you have us!"

 **Random fact**

The line "You had a family to come home to. I have no one" came from the Polyvore edit I made for the story ages ago. And I'd forgotten about it. The other day I was riffling though the edits I have saved in my computer and found it, and knew I had to use it somewhere.

 **Please review, this story is so close to a hundred reviews.**


	35. The lucky

**Thanks to guests for reviewing.**

 **Guest:** There's a lot to take in and think about here. Picturing Sandy and how he's trying to deal hits home. He's struggling because of what Ryan has to deal with on his own and Sandy, who isn't in that position, is really feeling the weight. In some ways, that surprises him and in some it tells him how much Ryan has become important to him. Ryan trying to get some comfort from the old teddy bear is heartbreaking. How many times did he have to do that through the years? Now it's all he's got that's left.  
It looks like I'll find out the answer to my question with the last part coming right now. Good timing.  
Thanks for writing again so soon and for giving a look at both Sandy and Ryan through Sandy's eyes

 **Answer from Linneagb:** I couldn't imagine what these happenings are like for anyone who actually has gone through traumas for real. Poor Sandy, he ends up forgetting about himself in the works of being there for everyone else, all of those who actually needs him- and he knows it and ends up being too harsh on himself.  
Don't worry. This isn't the last chapter. I don't know how long this story will be at the end but there are loads of chapters left. Which is good because I like writing it and you like reading it. I would update this story only if I could but I can't just leave all of my other stories.  
You're welcome. I just write, add some parts and some details and hope it ends up good. So thank you so much for letting me know what you think of it, I appreciate any reviews. And especially the long ones.

 **Guest:** Bamse is a new word for me, so thanks for teaching me something new.  
Since I just read chapter 33 and reviewed, that one and this should bring you almost to the 100.  
I wasn't sure what to expect, and I know that Ryan isn't at all secure enough to believe he can say or do anything without consequences. He has to believe that he has to be very careful or risk not being allowed to stay. On the other hand, he can only take so much and he watches, sees, hears and remembers everything. He has always had to so he could take care of himself and not pay the price. The way he has noticed everything and the fact that too much has hurt him too deeply all along and now all at once is all coming out. Seth chose the wrong time to be so insensitive. I'm not saying that he should understand what Ryan is facing in comparison and how lucky he is compared to Ryan, but he just doesn't think. No wonder Sandy reacted with "Oh, God." It's about time people started to try to consider that Ryan has a perspective too. They might not know the background, but trying to not live like nothing has changed would be a start. Ryan had a really difficult situation with his family, but it was what he knew and now that's all gone.  
Going back to what he had asked Sandy about being alone and what he must have been thinking in the hospital and even after going to the morgue and being by himself overnight all start to add up. Seth isn't going to change overnight, if ever. He might gradually, occasionally be less self-centered. Ryan will always be putting everyone else first and thinking about their well being.  
I'm glad at least that this ends with Sandy trying to reassure Ryan. I'm not sure what Ryan would think if he hadn't. Any kid would be overwhelmed. Any kid living through what he has for years would really be lost, confused and worried about what else he could lose.  
Thanks for this one too!

 **Answer from Linneagb:** I really like using whatever words or anything about Swedish or Norway. Such as the word "Bamse".  
I made it to 99 reviews with the latest chapter, so I can hope for 100 with this one. Poor Ryan. None of them are going to change just over a night. And it will be a while before the Cohen's has been able to show him they aren't going to disappear as everyone else has before them.  
Captain Oats will be mentioned again, I don't think I'd mention him like that. But if I'd lose my "Bamse" I'd be heartbroken. And with Seth especially during most his childhood Captain Oats was his best friend no matter what. Then, once again none of them will just change over a night. With them two, as well as everyone else continuing in their old ways and try to adjust it to what's going on.  
You're welcome. Thank you for letting me know what you thought, I appreciate it.

 **Guest:** Poor Ryan has probably never been close to "fine" and certainly couldn't be now more than ever. Of course, being Ryan, he doesn't react like a child, he really does respond like an adult, like he's an equal of Sandy's almost, and they're having a discussion. It's a far cry from what an immature child would do or just a shattered child, and Ryan has to be shattered, although he's also a very old soul. Has he ever been able to be a child?  
Not only has Sandy been feeling utterly helpless and that means Ryan should be overwhelmed, totally out of his element and powerless, but this is a real cry for help. It's like he's quietly screaming and no one is hearing.  
Thanks for writing and for the powerful emotion that's very real and devastating.

 **Answer from Linneagb:** He hasn't been fine and especially not lately. But he's mostly afraid of getting kicked out or anything of that matter if he's being "a pain in the ass" both with the Cohen's and everyone else, but with everyone else too. He does act like an adult, but he isn't, he hasn't turned twelve yet and that is just had.  
Poor Sandy. I've got planned out how things will happen to him. I'm just not sure when it will happen.  
You're welcome. I'm so happy you it ends up the way I want it to.

 **I'm putting pictures of my Bamse and Ryan's teddy bear on my Instagram right now if you want to see what they look like.**

 **And here's the next chapter.**

"I know you're more understanding than that. Why did you compare Ryan's brother to Captain Oats?"

I was standing in Seth's room, looking sternly towards him where he laid on his side and turned away from me.

"Seth Ezekiel! I know you can hear me. And I asked you a question."

Seth still didn't move, but there was a mumble without words towards the pillow.

"Seth! I won't ask you one more time. Sit up, talk to me and give me an answer. Why would you compare Trey Atwood to Captain Oats?"

I waited for another moment, then finally my son turned towards me, but still not sitting up or looking up.

"I didn't mean to."

It was barely more than a mumble and I could barely even hear his words.

"We both very damn well you did… I know that horse meant a lot to y…"

"He was my only friend."

"He was made from plastic!"

"How would you know?" Seth finally spoke out loud and clear. "You weren't exactly there yourself. Both you and mum were working all the time. And Summer and Marissa and Luke and everyone else hates me. Although you wouldn't know because Captain Oats was the only one who knew."

"That doesn't give you a reason to compare it like that. Ryan's right you know, even if I and mum had been gone you would have had a family to come home to. Not us but nana or Dora or Lucien or even Hailey or Caleb. You wouldn't have been alone- just like Ryan is now."

"Ryan's the only one you ever think about right now."

I made a pause, shaking with anger and frustration…

"Seth? Haven't we given you everything you ever wan…"

"THIS ISN'T ABOUT STUFF!"

Seth's voice interrupted me and finally he looked up at me with shiny eyes and tear stained cheeks. Still clutching the envelope with the money in it in my hand I went to the corner of the room, pulled the desk chair with me and sat down so I'd be closer to him.

"Then what?"

"Yes! You have given me what I wanted… except for time. The teddy bear I got when I was six months wouldn't change the fact that you left me with a nanny for every day since I was born. The PlayStation you got me when we moved here didn't change the fact that you dragged me away from everything I knew in Berkeley. And paying all school fees and things for the nicest schools didn't give me friends." Tears were streaming down Seth's cheeks. "And I know… I know Ryan's a whole lot worse off than I or mum. But… just once I thought that maybe you could listen to me too."

I scratched my hair and laid the envelope with money on the bedside table.

"If you have got that money it would mean that Ryan went in here and searched through my drawers."

That last bit sounded so weak it broke my heart into pieces.

All anger and frustration ran off. How could I be angry when my son- a piece of me and my very own heart sat in front of me and sobbed his heart out.

"Oh Seth."

I wrapped my arms around him- few things I hated as much as getting angry. But one thing I hated more was to feel my loved ones, especially Seth hurt because of me.

"Sch, sch, sch." Seth leaned against my shoulder and sobbed into my shirt. "It's okay. It's okay now, I'm here."

Why did it take me a whole, big trauma and this reaction before I saw all that ran through my mind.

"It's okay." I rocked him slightly in my arms, as when he was little. "Sch, sch." I stroke his back- anything to stop that hyperventilating. "It's okay. I'm here."

After a few minutes, that felt like hours the sobs and hyperventilating finally turned into hic-up's and shaky breathes. I ran my hand down his arm and took his unhurt, little hand in my big one.

"I'm sorry dad."

"Oh Seth." I stroke his hand with my thumb. "You don't have half as much to apologize for as I do. And I'm sorry for that. I was so caught up in everything else I didn't realize I hurt you… Now if you forgive me, then I'll forgive you. Okay?" Seth nodded and I stroke away the last few tears with my shirt. "Don't tell your mum I wiped tears and snot with my shirt, okay?" Seth gave a short laugh. "Now, you mentioned your mum too." Seth sniveled and nodded. "Was there something in certain you meant about that, or should I go talk to her?"

"What I mean is that every morning the last month mum's been chucking up her guts every morning. And you haven't even noticed."

I could feel myself frown even deeper, and for quite a few seconds it was all quiet in between us.

"I didn't know."

"She didn't want you to. She goes to the upstairs bathroom and turns the shower on to make it seem like she was showering. And turns it on as much as possible so the noise would cover up the noises of her heaving… every single morning dad. And you didn't even know about it until now."

"The garlic…"

I sighed at myself, how couldn't I have seen? These were my family! How couldn't I have known?

"I'll go talk to her." I stroke his hand one more time. "Just promise me one thing son. If there's anything, anything at all you want to tell me then come. It doesn't matter what it is- even if you did something bad…" I took the envelope with money. "I'll take this, I just have to split it in half and then give it back to you. As a matter for Ryan going through your drawers I'll talk to him, then we don't have to talk about it ever again. Okay?"

"Okay."

I gave a shaky smile and stood up, then left the desk chair where it should be and went downstairs and to the kitchen where Kirsten was with… how the dinner today (very smelly and tasty to cover up the taste and smell of vomit). I threw the envelope on the kitchen island and then leaned against the counter on one hand, Kirsten didn't look at me.

"You and Seth were ought to break and tell me what I'd been doing sooner or later… I'm sorry."

"It's fine." Kirsten said, but without looking at me or any feeling in her voice. "We knew that you were busy with Ry… With other things."

"I heard what you were going to say." It was almost laughable. "And the thing is Seth already said it, I tried to deny it but it only took me about ten seconds of thinking before I realized that he was right."

The thought passed by how Kirsten hadn't even wanted Ryan living here from the start.

I tried to shove away that memory with the knowledge that something, that I didn't even know what had made her change her mind. But it happened so fast…

"Are you okay with Ryan living here now? Earlier I didn't even care to look up… something else. But I'm not going to have him here unless you and Seth are okay with it."

"It's funny how fast and easily you get used to someone."

And that, in Kirsten-ish would mean she had started liking Ryan.

But then, there must be something else I could say. I had made a promise more than fifteen years ago that I would be there for her always.

In sickness and in health…

"Why were you trying to hide from me that you've been sick?"

"You were busy."

I suppressed another sigh. Then lifted my hand from the counter that I'd leaned against and wrapped Kirsten in my arms and whispered in her ear.

"Never will I ever be too busy for you."

 **Random fact**

This story sure has some parts that are very interesting and fun to write. Like the "talking" in between Seth and Sandy.


	36. The planning for the future

**Thanks to guest for reviewing. YAY. This story is at more than a hundred reviews. Thank you to everyone who's reviews so far.**

 **I'll answer each review for themselves**

 **Guest:** Ryan was forever saying he was fine, or saying nothing at all while everyone went on as if nothing had happened, depending on whatever trauma he was facing, or never bothering to consider what his life was like and what that meant for him. He was supposed to just fit into their world, or else was the implied warning. And he knew that he had no other alternative because he had no one. Even the most self-reliant 11-year-old who has been through so much all of his life can only hold it all in for so long, especially if he's provoked. At least Sandy is someone he can confide in and hope that it won't mean the worst kind of trouble and more abandonment.  
Sure, Sandy has to take on helping everyone, but Ryan can't be expected to tackle all of this. Kirsten is a very capable adult with her own support system beyond Sandy and their son has multiple family members. It's up to them to help each other. They're in very different positions and aren't nearly impacted the ways that Ryan is. It's like triage.  
Thanks for this one and now there's another posted too.

 **Answer from Linneagb:** Ryan's like that, isn't he? It's so easy for anyone to think the world he's in now is better than Chino and his old life, but it's not that simple. And this just came so sudden for all of them. It's quite obvious they would depend on each other after being there together. And Hailey and Caleb aren't the best supports are they? You're welcome, thanks for the review and yeah. I just love writing for this story.

 **Guest:** I'm glad that Sandy called Seth out and made him face responsibility for what seems like a first time or very rarely. Maybe it's me, but I'm not so sure that Seth didn't know what he was saying and did it anyway. Yes, he doesn't think, or think of anyone besides himself typically, but I'm not sure that part of him didn't want to push Ryan just because he could and because he's angry.  
I'm also not sure what to make of him blaming Sandy and Kirsten for his lack of friends and acceptance. I think that's something that's about him, not them, and less about one place over another. It feels like excuses. But then, truth be told, I'm not concerned about him or wanting to analyze any reasons. It's hard for me to be interested in him because it's hard for me to like me. Sorry, but Ryan's the draw for me and always has and will be!  
Thanks for the newest one too.

 **Answer from Linneagb:** I don't know about you, but I actually think Seth has been handling this quite well. And a lot better than most others his age would do. Seth isn't blaming Sandy and Kirsten. He's explaining why Captain Oats meant so much to him.  
It doesn't have to be excuses. There's always someone who's got it worse than you. Take someone who's lost a limb, maybe more. And lost their children- everyone knows that's the worse that could ever happen to a human being, and still lives in Thailand so have to see those places day in and day out. Is Sandy supposed to go back there because those are worse off and help?  
Yes, Ryan's got the worst of this. But both Kirsten and Seth are at least trying to adjust to that and admitting that Sandy was busy so they were trying to keep it from him. Kirsten has even been sick and trying not for Sandy to know because she knows Sandy's busy with what's going on with Ryan. And twist and turn it however much you like, being there for Ryan, Sandy still has to be there for his wife and son. Whom he have forgotten with everything going on. And as Seth said himself- it's not about things. Thank you for reading and reviewing.

 **Well this chapter was written and uploaded quickly haha. But I needed something to do and I've been ill so I stayed home from work and voila!**

The night after talking to both of my son's I couldn't sleep all night.

I was starting to get way too used to sleepless nights and nightmares. I was starting to get way too used to my brain being way too foggy to even know what to do or what to say at any time.

All night I laid throwing myself back and forth and going through every single moment I could remember since finding Ryan in that hospital room on the other side of the world.

After hours of thinking, as the clock passed by in the speed of a snail, there was one thought only that kept hitting me. I knew there was only one thing that could be done- there was only thing that needed to be done and…

It would hopefully make the best solution for us all, Ryan especially. Still I kept shoving the thought away. It was just so major and could I really bring something up, just like that?

I still hadn't slept when I thought I heard something outside, I looked to the clock and thought I had imagined things when it showed at six in the morning. And then, just as I lied down and tried to sleep a loud ringing went through our big house.

"Who rings the doorbell at this time in the morning?"

I hurried out of bed, not knowing why I was hurrying so much but just knowing I needed to open the door. I unlocked the door without checking through the peephole and was surprised at who was outside.

"Stephen?"

"Frank!"

I couldn't even care to correct him anymore, my tired- ridden mind was too weak and I didn't dare to believe I wouldn't start talking gibberish at any moment.

"You're wondering why I'm here… But you see. I keep on getting these letters." He held up a bunch of letters. "I don't want these letters. I hate these letters. And another one came to… today? Yesterday? Did I wake you up? I'm sorry… I'm not sorry really."

"Why, why. Just… what letters are there?" He handed me the letter and I read it. "Guardian of Ryan Frances Atwood… then your address…"

"He lives here you know. He lives with you…" Frank smirked. "Can you sort this out? I don't want these letters… I don't have the money to pay for them and then they end up even more expensive than before! But you… you live here! You have money! You… you… You… don't happen to have a beer do you?"

"No. No beer." I cleared my throat tiredly. "Is this all you wanted?"

"Yeah… my God, it will be the happiest day of my life the last time I don't have to hear that name ever again… Nanana…" He started humming to himself when he walked down the porch and I slammed the door behind him and locked the door.

"Now that's a middle name to be proud of!" I jumped, I hadn't noticed Kirsten coming up to me and reading on the letter. "What is it?"

"Hospital bill… oh my God…" A dizziness spell suddenly made the ground rock underneath me and I fell down onto the bench by the door and dropped the rest of the letters to the floor all at once. "Just a second. I just need to…"

Sleep! I just needed to sleep!

"Sandy? Are you feeling okay?"

I didn't open my eyes until I felt Kirsten's hand against my forehead, when I opened them just enough to glare at her.

"I'm fine…" What I had thought about all night suddenly came flooding into my mind all at once. "Just go into the kitchen. I need to talk to you two about something…."

"Should I get Ryan?"

"No…" I gave another deep, heavy sigh and left the envelopes lying on the floor. "…and a cup of coffee."

I didn't even care to look at Seth or Kirsten while they put up breakfast and I watched the coffee pot as if to speed it with my vision only. The thought hit me time again that I didn't have to do this now, that it could wait for another while.

But if not now then when?

"Well I guess we just saw… Wait… where did your mum go?" I looked around the room and found only Seth sitting by the table. And not Kirsten, then remembered what he had told me yesterday. "I'll go check on her."

"No need." Kirsten just came back into the kitchen with one hand on her stomach. "I feel fine."

I poured up a glass of water for her and a coffee for myself, anything to make time pass by until I could at least keep my eyes open and the floor had stopped rocking.

"What did you want to talk about dad?... Is it something about Ryan? Is it about yesterday? I know I was mean but I thought we'd left it behi…"

"Yes…" I interrupted him. "…and no. And I didn't want to get Ryan's hopes up for something that might not happen. But I wanted to know… after everything, how would you feel if… if Ryan stayed here… with us…"

"You mean…" I waited for a second, for the others to put it together. "As if you and mum would… adopt him?"

"Hrm… Just give me a minute." I had to close my eyes when the floor started rocking again. "Hrm… adopt… Yeah… I guess that's the simplest way of saying it… After what happened yesterday. I don't know if we should do something that… drastic right away. But… of course. I could sort out so that we're… or at least I am Ryan's legal guardian… Lord knows that man can't have that sort of that responsibility on his hands. And of course I… any of us would want Ryan in the middle of that whole system… But I'm not going to do anything without hearing you two out. And I actually will this time!"

And here I was and there was no turning around.

"And… you guys don't have to give me an answer today, or this week or this year. If so, I can sort out something temporarily. I just want to make this go as smoothly for all of us."

"I want you to adopt him! I know I do! I really do!"

I was hit off a bit by Seth's soon and sudden answer…

"You must understand now Seth. That if we make a choice like this…"

"But he needs us."

"Yes, he does. But you also need to understand that with this the responsibility it's not one we can take back. It's going to count tomorrow and next year and in ten years. And that is even though you might not want it to. Ryan's going to be here just as much as you are."

"Why wouldn't I want him to?"

"Seth." For just a moment I couldn't help to give a small smile. "Do you know how many times I wished Lucien and Dora far, far gone? It's a part of having and being a sibling, because that's what you will be- brothers."

Seth looked thoughtful and leaned his head to the side for a moment. Meanwhile I still looked at Kirsten.

"Like I told you yesterday it's just so easy to get used to someone being here when you start to accept it. I couldn't imagine the house without him… He's a good kid! It just took me a while before I really saw it."

"And…" I said after a while in silence (and a couple of cups of coffee). "…You already know what I think."

I felt really strange. I had expected this decision to be more than only a quick talk by the breakfast table…

"So what happens now?"

"What happens…" I had to think for a moment. "First of all I need to have a talk with Ryan. Lord knows how he's doing right now with everything that's going on. And then, I have to get in contact with court, and a lawyer…"

"But you're a lawyer." Seth interrupted. "Can't you do it?"

"I am a public defender. And adoptions aren't my cases. You need a family law attorney for that."

"Do you need any… family lawyer?"

"Yes."

"Can't you choose one to help us? Someone who knows us so maybe… well… Knows we wouldn't ever hurt Ryan or anything like that."

"It doesn't work like that."

"But it should!"

"No it shouldn't."

All the children this system had already failed despite every single question, every single record and every little sheet of paper…

"There will be people, one man or woman in particular handling our case but there will be more of them. He or she will come here, to our home and check every single millimeter so they can be sure we don't have drugs or anything else causing unnecessary risks for Ryan- or any child. They'll talk to all of us separately, both of you and me and Ryan and make sure we all tell the truth. It's only that way they can make sure what we're saying is true with asking every single question they can think of. They will go through our health records, our criminal records."

"But we've never committed a crime."

"I know that… There will be heaps and heaps of paper work and dotted lines to say for us. There will be full days in court. Frank will be there and he too will have his own lawyer…. I know Seth. I don't think he deserves one neither but this is the way it has to be."

"How long will it take?"

The room had finally stopped spinning around me and I could count on what needed to be done and how. Something I couldn't have just a few minutes ago.

"At least six months."

Six months was a long time for a child.

"Frank could start acting up about it, or there could be something else- that you or I or Kirsten are doing something the social services don't like…"

"But what could it be?"

"That could be anything. We don't think we're doing anything wrong but… all we can do is try and tell the truth and keep calm and patient and then… all of a sudden, things work out. And no matter what…" I couldn't quite find the right words.

"…We'll kind of be brothers."

"Yeah…" I said after a few seconds. "If Ryan wants to and everything- then you'll be brothers!"

 **Random fact**

I don't know anything about adoption or things. But I can promise you that I'll do my best and try to make all research I can. And then hopefully this will make a good story and realistic as well.


	37. The second breakfast

**Eurgh! I'm so frustrated. I even wrote the chapter with Sandy and Seth and still nobody can see any reason to like Seth. Anyway, I guess I'll answer all of them at once. Some of these several people have question or said something about. Others have been mentioned once and I'll be trying and answer them all without writing several thousand words. So here we go.**

 **Seth is selfish/ wants his way/ can't share/ have always had his way and got everything he wanted and on it goes and on it goes. Seth tried to blame his parents for everything…**

I haven't said anything to protest against this, all of them are true. But pretty much all of it was answered in the chapter where Sandy starts to give him a lecture to say the least. And he's also never had a reason not to be selfish or having to share etc. He's an only child and his parents had a lot of money and they spoiled him- to say the least. And since he too doesn't have any friends he didn't have anything of that matter to share with or talk about other things.

 **Sandy shouldn't go to Thailand**

"Hits head in the table" Sandy will not go back to Thailand for any reason. I was trying to prove a point. Now, Ryan's worse off and Sandy takes care of him, which leads to people pitying Ryan. But there's always someone worse off. So should Sandy then go back to Thailand and help them because they're worse off than Ryan? If he then stopped to care about Ryan and barely even talked to him for weeks… Do you see my point?

 **Seth never tried to make any friends**

"Hits my head in the table and then remembers what school and friends were like for me"

It's not that simple.

 **Seth does have other family members who are there for him.**

Yes, but he still needs his parents. Both of them. Despite how much they were working during the time he grew up. (well, so far) and then it's not about things but time and support.

 **Sandy should have talked to Kirsten first before taking such a big decision.**

Seth is at least as important for the choice as Kirsten is. Also, Sandy's tired out of his mind and no matter what he, or you think he wanted to get it over with. They did have quick reactions yes, but this isn't about to come to life just yet and from one night to the other.

 **Ryan has ended up being Seth's baby sitter and takes a lot of responsibility.**

This could go under the first. Ryan's been a person to have a lot of responsibility. Seth has not. This is one thing that will change from time to time. It could impossibly happen from one day to another.

 **And at last**

No, this adoption thing won't happen as smoothly as it seems now.

 **And as well and probably most important thing. Both Ryan, Sandy, Kirsten and Seth are going through their trauma which is more than I/ we could ever imagine if we haven't been there. This might too lead to things said and decisions to be made that wouldn't have been otherwise. And all of them are hurting beyond words.**

" **Phew" I think I got it all. Here's the newest chapter. I have the next chapter after this planned out more, but this had to be done anyway.**

Most of the letters Frank had brought with him was, as he'd said for Ryan.

He had also tried to sneak in a few other bills for rent

I didn't want to make a fuss, if anything it would hurt Ryan and Frank would sure find a way to do it about money. Which we had but not him.

But by the computer, with short breaks in between them, I kept getting dizziness spells. They came out of nowhere and all of a sudden the world was spinning and the floor started rocking under me. I kept feeling faint and had to close my eyes and lean back to have it go away.

If I was worried?

I could take it. I just had to go on.

And just as I'd paid the last bill and put it in a spring map I put all paid bills in I could hear the kitchen door by the patio opening and then the noise of crutches towards the floor, I put the map back in the shelf and hurried into the kitchen.

"Need any help?"

Lord knew that kid needed a prosthetic instead of jumping around on one leg like that.

"I'm alri… whoa!"

It wasn't often Ryan fell, and now when he did I had thankfully come close enough to catch him before he hit the floor.

"Are you okay?" I helped him up again and he nodded. "Want some breakfast?" Another nod. "The usual?" Another nod. "I'll sort it out. Sit down, there's something I need to talk to you about."

Ryan's breakfast hadn't changed much since he came here, even when he was back at the hospital with Seth…

"I was told I'm a magician with that creamed cheese."

"You really like those bagels, do you?"

"Like?" I raised an eyebrow. "Well… No point with torturing you like this…"

"First, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for that tantrum I threw yesterday. I don't even know where it came from. Suddenly I just didn't know what I was thinking and I was just so tired and… I know this isn't a time for excuses…"

"Don't worry about it. Actually I find it quite good that you let it go like that. It's not good for anyone to just build it up like that, you've done nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed or sorry for. Also, I can't believe Seth would compare your brother to a toy like that. Not even when it was Captain Oats."

"I don't think it's that simple for Seth…" He looked to his side, we could both hear the TV going on in the living room. "And… I mean, there are millions of people who have all got their stories about the wave. And there isn't a way to just compare one to the other… But… you said you wanted to talk to me and then I just started babbling. Was it about yesterday?"

"No…" I chose for a moment, I'd rather not tell him his dad was here but it would be hard to get through this without telling him what had changed. "Your dad came by early this morning."

"Oh no." Ryan moaned and grimaced. "What did he do this time?"

"Nothing. He just handed over some letters for you that has been coming to Chino. No worries about that."

"What mail?"

And then, this was something that I didn't want to tell him but he would figure sooner or later.

"Just some hospital bills. They're nothing to worry about."

Ryan suddenly turned pale. I couldn't help but wonder why for the few seconds before he stuttered.

"I- I- not- insurance…" He stuttered, and without it being a whole sentence it was quite easy to figure what it was- I'd have been more worried if he didn't figure this. "Thousands of dollars!"

"Ryan…" I tried to interrupt and laid a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay."

"But money!" He said at last and his breaths had turned fast and shaky. "All that money! You shouldn't have to…"

Well, who else was going to?

"We have far more money than we could ever use or need. And there are far more things out there that we'd like to have or do… Then, of course there are more important things. For all of ours well- being. And somewhere in all of those that are just not fun to pay insurances come in, and now- hospital bills. And they have to be paid or they'll end up even more expensive- a lot more expensive. But still, you're eleven. And bills aren't your responsibility. And neither is it to worry if they're being paid or if we actually have the money to pay for them. Because we do!... Did you get all of that?" He nodded. "Well then… After what's happened… I… we all have to sort some things. First of all we need to make sure your mail comes here and not to Chino… And then… I was wondering how you would feel about the thought that you might be staying here?"

Ryan hadn't eaten, but held both a bagel and a glass of juice in his hands and at the question he dropped them both while he tried to put one and one together.

"You mean like… how long… forever?"

"Well…" To make this whole moment a bit less tense I got tissues from a cupboard and started cleaning the juice and glass- pieces from the floor. "…These things won't happen over one night as you probably can understand. And it will involve a lot of people- including your dad. Some parents like your dad starts acting up and protesting in the works of "losing"" I made hare- ears with my fingers by my head. "their children. While of course, he will always be your dad. And Dawn and Trey will always be your mum and brother. There's nothing that can ever change that. But first of all… the most important of all- is this something you would want?"

There was a pause when I made him another bagel and he kept staring at my every move.

"There's really nowhere else I'd rather be… But… but nothing really." As if automatically he took his bagel- not daring to take the glass yet and gesturing about it. "Don't worry about it."

Why would Ryan, or anyone for that matter care about a broken glass in all of this.

"Well. I'm glad, I must have done something right then."

"I don't think…" Ryan barely mumbled. "…I could ever tell."

"I was going to work today. I'm not a family lawyer that we need right now. But I do have contacts…. Or if you don't want this to be moving so fast forward?"

Something changed in the way Ryan looked at me. There was something grateful I hadn't seen before, something that made me absolutely sure he was going to break down crying in front of me.

"Have you talked to Kirsten and Seth about it?"

"Yes." I nodded. "They're both… okay with the idea of you staying… Seth wondered if you two would become brothers."

Ryan looked down on what he had left of a bagel in his hands. How he could eat in this was a question for me.

"If it's moving fast… isn't a problem… I was always used to being the little brother."

"Nothing could ever take away Trey in this…" I tried to promise him. "…And the same goes for me and Kirsten and your parents… Family is blood but it can also be about loads of other things…"

"Such as going through a trauma you mean." Ryan interrupted. "You guys will understand what it was like but… no one… I mean… There's no one else I know that will."

"Yeah…" I nodded. "…For example, something like that."

"Yeah…" The tension had turned awkward and Ryan reached up. "I guess I'll put these back."

"Don't worry about it. I made the bagels and I can put things back." I started standing back up but sunk down again. "I hope you understand now Ry. Whatever you want to say, or ask, or think- you can always come to me about it. You can wake me up in the middle of the night if that's when it hits you. Nothing is wrong and I'd rather see you ask a million questions than worrying about something. So can you promise me that whatever it is you will come to me, or to Kirsten, or anyone else that you think could help you?"

That wasn't a simple promise to make and I knew it very well. Even before the silence was thick and awkward I knew it.

"Can you promise you'll try?"

"I promise."

"Good boy." I patted his shoulder. "Well… I don't want to rush you off or anything but I have a feeling that you want to think for a while. And I have to get to work and see if I have any contacts that can help us… and off we go."

Ryan nodded and got up. I would have expected him to return to the pool house or something. But he continued towards the living room.

All there would be for these boys to talk about…

"Do you want to choose the movie?"

…After the movie.

I couldn't help but smile, others might not have seen it. But these things had been my son's best friend for so long it was strange how he would never let either myself nor his mum to pick a stupid movie.

"Yeah, sure."

I got a bag out of a cupboard- Bagel's weren't my only talent. I could make popcorn in the microwave too. But only of the kind that one poured into a bowl and put on to pop and heat up.

"Cool! Thanks dad."

"Can you actually share that Seth or do I have to put them into separate bowls

Ryan answered the question himself when he reached up and took a handful of popcorn and shoved them into his mouth all at once.

"HEY! Leave some for me too."

"What?" Ryan took the bowl and put it on the couch in between them. "I've learnt a trick or two from eating with Trey."

They both turned to the TV when "the day after tomorrow" started showing on the screen and none of them noticed me leaving the room.

It didn't take a Brainiac to know things wouldn't be this simple, or that thoughts were spinning around and around in Ryan's head. Maybe in Seth's and Kirsten's too, just like it did in mine.

So what would happen now?

I was pretty sure the answer to that was as much a question for me as for the others.

But then of course, I'd just have to figure what would be the best way to do all of this and make things happen…

 **I get the grabbing- popcorn- thing is OOC. But I just had to haha. He's of course used to having a brother and sharing, which Seth is not.**

 **Random fact**

I don't know if that expression to make hare ears with your fingers is used in English… I really don't know… But I do it all the time and I hope someone gets it."


	38. The exhausted

**Thanks to guests for reviewing.**

 **Guest:** Frank gives me a headache, so I can only imagine being trapped inside of four walls with him with no escape as a kid for however long.  
Sandy was the one who met Ryan and was searching along with him, so there's something different with them because of what they shared and how they met no matter the age or economic and social differences. Whatever Sandy felt for Ryan either as a person or as a father, it became more personal over time. He didn't just feel a responsibility, but he really wanted to do all he could for Ryan because he was able to and because he knew how fortunate he was and his family was. It was also easy for Sandy and for Ryan to clearly see that Kirsten wasn't on board that way. She was very distant and avoided being around Ryan until very recently. Sandy and Ryan both would have to wonder what her genuine opinion is. I guess that's why I would definitely see Sandy sitting Kirsten down for a very honest discussion before making a commitment to Ryan that could mean years. It would be cruel to string him along and always have him worried and wondering what would be too much trouble and jeopardize or end any arrangement. Only after getting an honest answer from Kirsten should anyone talk to Seth and then Ryan. And with Seth, there have already been instances with actions and words that show he's not prepared for the kind of change Sandy is trying to explain. A very sheltered and indulged only child who has always been at the center of it all can't understand that Ryan can't be a second class citizen, someone to order around or a toy to cast aside when he doesn't serve a purpose or gets in the way. It's good to have Sandy try to be as open as he can knowing that's the best he can do and that he owes Ryan all he can.  
I have to wonder what Ryan will think of everyone talking about him and what they've been saying, especially someone he might not trust or understand. I'm not sure he trusts or understands Kirsten or Seth, but he knows he has to keep pleasing everyone whatever it takes. He'd see that as his job. Letting Seth walk all over him most of the time was hard to watch on TV, but Ryan had to walk on eggshells. His situation was and always would be very different because of all of the circumstances he couldn't control.

 **Answer from Linneagb:** "Hands you an Advil"  
Okay, now you've made it clear to me how you thought my story would be written… I'm saying again, Sandy is tired like never before. This might not be the time for the best decisions but the time when he's hoping to get the "right" answers. Now if you remember, Kirsten didn't exactly love Ryan from the start in the series neither, but after Dawn (in this story Frank) came to see them she sort of… I don't know what word to use. Accepted he was there and let Sandy deal with the rest. Do you get what I mean?  
Now, I'm saying it once more- Ryan and Seth are from different worlds. Ryan's used to having to take responsibility and acts like he's had to. Seth is the complete opposite. Change won't happen over one night. And neither would an adoption happen, it hasn't yet either. For the moment Sandy's trying to make sure Ryan can stay with them and also that his mail and bills and everything will be sent to theirs and not to Frank. God knows they are at no point where they can stand meeting Frank right now.  
The thing with everyone talking about Ryan is sort of inescapable at this moment. Which is also a reason Sandy talks with Kirsten and Seth when Ryan's not there. What he doesn't know…  
Thank you for reading and reviewing.

 **Guest:** Now that I commented on the last chapter and this was up, I saw your comments in bold at the top. I hope that you got your frustration out so I don't get vented at when you comment again because I was asking about Sandy and Kirsten being in agreement or at least Kirsten not objecting to Sandy going forward with plans involving Ryan. She wouldn't have to be equal in her role, but she'd have to be on the same page. If she was having doubts, airing them in front of Seth could be a problem. She's an adult and a parent and he's a kid. United front first was what I was getting at, so that's it.

I like the parts with Sandy and Ryan in character in their private conversation. Maybe Ryan talks more than seems true to him, but when the subjects are important, his reactions and expressions make sense. I also like that they're almost like equals at times despite Ryan's young age. That switches only a little when Ryan can't cover how vulnerable and uncertain he is. Ryan wouldn't lie, so he'll try to give Sandy what he wants, but will also only promise to try. It's one thing to go to Sandy and hope he isn't being a burden at least most of the time. Anyone else? That's a stretch. Those are good moments between them.  
 **Answer from Linneagb:** I'm sorry if I made it seem like I pointed straight at you with my venting in the last chapter. It wasn't turned to one person but pretty much all of the people reading and reviewing. What I do know is that I like my story but people don't seem to no matter how hard I try.  
Right now Sandy is more tired than I- or he could put into words for that matter. And maybe that isn't the time to make the best decisions. And while reading your comment I had another idea… It won't be in this chapter but I have something and once again it will try and be as an answer to the comments… But I think it's right…  
I don't know if it is because I can see right in front of me how Ryan's acting and talking during the chapter, but I thought it made sense. Sandy and Ryan do have a relationship that couldn't be put into words and Lord knows Ryan needs it. Don't worry. I won't have Ryan talk with someone else like that with anyone else.  
Thank you for reading and reviewing.

 **Well, this chapter is focused on Sandy and not the boys. I have been wanting to write this for ages.**

"Oh damn."

Through the Internet, Google and the thousand books I owned I was trying to figure everything about adoption that I possibly could.

Something told me that I wanted to figure as much as I possibly could about this BEFORE talking to Frank.

But it wasn't made any easier when the clock wasn't more than ten in the forenoon, or the fact that I kept getting dizzy and the letters kept floating together when I tried to read on the screen.

At ten thirty I gave up trying reading, stood up and swore about my own brain and eyes turning against me.

"Listen boys." Maybe listening rather than trying to read would work better. "I'm going to head into work for a while. Kirsten did the same, we'll both be back in a few hours. Are you good?"

"Dad." Seth smirked up at me. "We're not toddlers." Ryan shook his head agreeing. "We don't need to be watched every second of the day."

I gave him a sad smile glancing at Ryan. If Seth only knew how lucky he was…

"See you."

If I would have met cases or gone into court the dress code was quite simple. Blazer! I couldn't bother this time around and pulled on the first hooded shirt I could find going through the house and into the car.

The thought hit me that maybe I shouldn't be driving as dizzy as I was. But somehow I made my way to work still in one piece and… as concentrated I could be.

I looked to my clock coming in, as long as no one was by the printer or getting coffee I should at least be able to at least make my way to my office without getting interrupted. Right then I wouldn't have minded if the window had been opened so I could crawl into the office.

I searched through every shelf in the room. Someone had asked me if I actually used all of these books…

I sighed when I couldn't find a single one that had family law written on the back and threw myself backwards into my office chair.

I couldn't even think, it was like my whole brain had been replaced by oatmeal- the worst kind of it.

I even had to remind myself to breathe, one breath after the other. In, out, in, out, in, out.

I suddenly jumped when I heard voices outside the office. Voices of my colleagues making their way towards the lunch room.

"Sandy?" The youngest one of my colleagues was the first to greet me when I came, stiffly and tiredly into the lunch room. "What's up?"

My mind and vision was spinning worse than ever when someone came to give me a hug, someone else asked if I was okay and promising they'd be there. Somebody else wondered if I would like to share their lunch so I too would get something to eat and then Nicholas had to joke about bagels.

Well, this place hadn't changed much!

"Well Sandy." Laura Hope wrapped me in a tight mother's- hug at last. "Now all of the questions are done. What brings you here today? Is there something we can help you with?"

"Thanks Laura. And actually yes. As you probably understand I have a bit much to think about right now. Or I would just keep track of it all myself…"

"Don't worry about it." Laura stroke my arm. "What is it?"

I could just as well say it right away. The sooner I said it the sooner I'd have it finished right?

"I have to contact a…" I had to lie a hand on the back of a chair not to fall when everything came spinning again and had to close my eyes. "…a fam…"

"Sandy?" I heard Laura's voice and felt her palm towards my forehead. "Are you feeling alright? You look very pale."

"Yeah, yeah." I opened my eyes again and rubbed them with a finger. "Tired… I need to contact a family lawyer… About an adopt… ado…"

"Sandy?" A voice reached through the dark around me and suddenly I felt the hard floor I laid on. Someone called my name and shook my head. "Sandy? Can you open your eyes for me sweetie?"

What on earth?

I forced my eyes opened, but moaned and closed them away at the lamp shining right into my eyes and making my head pound even more than it already was.

I could hear mumbling and several voices around me.

"No, stay down."

I felt a hand on my shoulder gently pushing me back when I tried to sit up but ignored it and pushed myself up all along before I opened my eyes open and looked around on my colleagues standing around watching me with worried expressions.

"I need a family lawyer." It was like I hadn't stopped talking and had to continue. "About an adoption. Please stop that."

"Don't worry about that today Sandy." Nicholas told me worriedly. "Let's take that a day when you can actually keep conscious…"

"What?"

"You fainted!" Jason said, I was already getting tired of these worried looks and voices around me and looked away. "You were talking, stuttering a bit and then you just collapsed."

"What?"

"Nick's right sweetie." Laura's voice was as kind as ever. "You should go home and continue this some other day. If you want to and need something then just email it to me or Jason and we'll take care of it. You need to worry about you right now. Do you want one of us to drive you home?"

"No." In difference from before I didn't keep getting dizzy, I could drive on my own. "No, I've got it."

"Really? Because I don't think you should be driving right now."

"I'm fine Laura."

It wasn't until later I would remember how annoyed and rude my tone was. Laura was only caring and it was rude of me…

"I agree with Laura." Jason said, couldn't they ever be quiet? "I don't think you should be driving."

"Bye guys."

Before anyone else had had the time to say anything else and keep me there I walked away on stiff legs and didn't look back. And it wasn't until I slumped down behind the wheel I let myself as much as take a deep breath.

 _Great job Sanford Cohen. You go there to do some job and end up worrying everyone worse than ever instead._

Laura and Jason were right. I shouldn't be driving. I could hardly keep my eyes open.

But before I had the time to choose to go inside again I turned the key and hit the gas. It wasn't a long way home…

But during that short way I felt dizziness spells hit me, until at last I had to pull over to the side and lean back.

"Come on Sandy." I mumbled to myself, and not until then I realized I was hyperventilating. "Only a couple of more kilometers and you can get a bagel and a bed."

The dizziness only got worse, and the memories span in my mind. Everything that had brought us up to this point and until I had to get in contact with a family lawyer had one picture after the other… the wave! Ryan on that hospital bed! That stupid California shirt! The way home! Everyone…

Everyone, everything, every time, everywhere.

At last it all made my stomach turn and I had to get out of the car and walk around the front and leaned forward while my stomach kept cramping causing bile to get up and through my throat.

And in it I sunk to my knees, not able to keep standing with the wild trembles coming through my body.

And then at last, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand I raised and then walked back to the driver's seat.

Barely had I had the time to sit down until the tears came streaming down my cheeks.

How on earth had we gotten ourselves into this?

Every single piece of my 175 centimeters were trembling, I hit the wheel in frustration and screamed wordlessly at the top of my lungs. And I wished more than ever we had never gone to stupid Thailand. Why couldn't we had agreed on something back home instead of flying to the other side of the earth?

 _But if I hadn't been there, what would have happened to Ryan?_

One thought suddenly screaming louder than any other had me screaming louder than ever.

And meanwhile all of the rest sobs wrenched my whole body and tears came streaming down my cheeks faster than I could ever have wiped them away.

And then it was suddenly over, just like there. And panting and leaned back towards the seat slowly the tears came with longer and longer intervals in between them.

It hadn't been my intention, but as I sat there and the tears were drying towards my skin I turned my head and laid my cheek against the sleeve of my hoodie, and with my eyelids just falling closed by themselves. In pure exhaustion I fell asleep.

 **Random fact**

You know, typically I like writing about characters doing things I can't or am afraid of. Such as flying in an airplane (I am desperately aviaphobic) or even running in stairs. I also have a phobia of throwing up. Which might have caused the fact that I write it all the time. And now, if you've noticed- you know why.


	39. The understanding

**Thanks to guests for reviewing.**

 **I won't write thousands of words to answer reviews this time. But to answer the one mentioning a storm I just wanted to say that I hope you're okay after it.**

The wave came in towards land, towards us again…

And just as it was at its biggest it froze where it was. And as the wave's edges turned into a glass cage Seth turned up inside of it while Kirsten and Ryan and the rest of my family turned up behind and around me.

"Dad." Seth shouted from inside the glass cage and hit hard towards the inside of the glass. "DAD? GET IT OPEN. OPEN IT."

He didn't say anything more, but he kept on hitting and knocking towards the glass was just as bad as the way he looked at me so helplessly. Just as helpless as I felt.

"Excuse me?" I suddenly heard, as if far away with more away. "Sir?"

I flinched awake and looked around, and only after realizing I was in my car and looking out I remembered where I was and what had happened. Meanwhile I remembered the dream that made my stomach clench and…

"Sir?"

The knocking I had heard was in fact a policewoman knocking on the window.

"Oh." I pressed the button on the handle to make the window go down. "Can I help you?"

I looked around. I had turned so far out of the way I could impossibly be in somebody's way, and I didn't have a bottle or anything else of that matter in the seat next to me.

"Don't worry, you haven't done anything wrong. But we- my colleague and I drove past here quite a few hours ago. And now we're returning to the station and you're still here. So we just wanted to check you're alive. At first it didn't seem like it."

"Oh." I gave a short laugh and rubbed my eyes trying to drag myself back into awake state. "I'm sorry. It was just so much at once and I didn't sleep all night. I only live around the corner here. I'm sorry to have wasted your time."

"You haven't wasted anyone's time sir. And rather sleeping here for hours than falling asleep behind the wheel while driving and killing yourself or others."

"Of course." I turned the car on and geared. "Thank you, ma'am. I promise I'll go straight home."

The policewoman stepped away from my car. I did as I'd said and turned in on our street. But no way could I concentrate on driving so it was very well I only had a couple of blocks.

How long had I been asleep for exactly? I tried to figure what time I had left work but could only remember lunch time, and right now it was almost four pm so it must have been at least five hours. And then the wave and that dream... And my total meltdown before I'd fallen asleep.

I yawned deeply one more time pulling up in front of our driveway and walked up towards the house…

Everything from yesterday and this morning seemed so distant. And I could remember going to work, but I didn't know more about adoptions now than what I did earlier.

"Hey dad." Both the boys were in the kitchen and riffling in a book of recipes when I came in. "Get out of here. We're trying to make a surprise dinner for you and mum and you'll be ruining it if you're standing there. Mum's in your bedroom…" There goes that hunger! "She bought a whole load of baguettes because they were sold for some cheaper price or whatever. We've already eaten, but you can just pick one from the fridge if you want to. And plus, you can take it where you want except for here."

I was too tired to laugh, otherwise I might have.

"I'm going." I picked out a baguette with ham and cheese and a soda from the fridge. "You know where to find us if you need anything. But please don't ask mum to help with the food." Seth laughed. "You know very well why. We've had perfectly enough of food poisoning's in this house to last us for years forward…" I could see Ryan had found something and was trying to catch Seth's attention. "I'm going, I'm going."

I took a sip from the cola while moving- if it would just help towards the taste of bile in my mouth.

"There you are." Kirsten greeted me looking up from a magazine she was reading sitting on her bed. "I was starting to believe maybe you'd gotten stuck somewhere. And I've been calling but you wouldn't pick up your phone." I raised an eyebrow- surely I'd have been woken up by the phone if it had started calling.

"Out of batteries." I threw it on the bedside table and plugged it into the charger. "I'm sorry if I scared you honey. Gosh I'm hungry." I picked the plastic case open and picked some pieces of the baguette putting a piece after the other into my mouth all at once.

"Sanford Cohen. Never have I seen such table manners." I couldn't help but chuckle, shoved another piece of bread into my mouth and only looked back at her. "And table manners? We're not even by a table."

There probably weren't many women- or anyone at all who would be so cool with me sitting on the bed and eating my lunch.

"Mum? Dad?" Seth came into the room. "I and Ryan had an idea. Well, you know the money we… took after going the last time." I waved it away. "Well, we found some recipes. And there are still some things we'd have to buy. So we were thinking if we do it like… like to make that money last to last. Only you know… sort of learn how to not spend all too much money at once."

"Actually." I swallowed and looked to my wife. "That doesn't sound so bad." Kirsten tried to say something. "The store's only around the corner and we all have to learn how to handle money. Don't we? I'm sorry, what did you say honey?"

"Please mum." Seth begged "Dad's right you know."

Kirsten waved them away. But she didn't look so sure when she turned to me.

"I know you're right about all those things Sandy." She put her magazine down and frowned. "But I still don't know if that was a good idea."

"They're only around the corner." I said with a reassuring, quite forced smile. "If they call us it won't even take us ten minutes to get there." Kirsten still didn't look certain about his and looked quite blaming back at me. Reminding me of a lot of things I had done the past month.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what?"

"For not listening to you… I kept telling myself Ryan would be okay and you and Seth were okay with it but really I never gave you a choice. And I just took care of everything that needed to be dealt with until there was no going back."

Kirsten didn't answer, but she did crawl over the bed and laid her hand over mine on the side while looking into my eyes.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

She was about to lean forward and kiss me- I would have if I hadn't been sick without brushing my teeth or chewing gum or anything only a few hours ago. Which she was about to notice too right before her lips touched mine and she backed away with a grimace.

"You've been sick."

I had to do some quick thinking to figure what to say. But didn't have the time before Kirsten turned a green-ish color, threw a hand over her mouth and half ran half stumbled into our bathroom where she sunk to her knees by the toilet bowl gagging.

"Hey." I kneeled beside her and held her hair back. "It's okay, you're okay."

"Get away." With one pause between two gags Kirsten pushed me away weakly with one hand on my chest. "You smell. It's making it…" When I came closer the vomit smell from myself made her gag again and I had nothing else to do than to grab my tooth brush from the cupboard. While I wished more that I could get onto my darling's side and comfort her.

It should have been so easy for me to understand what was going on. And what was making Kirsten sick.

At last- having used a total of five of the truth brushes Dora had gotten and put in the cupboard right after we came back home from Thailand, and also having gotten a bag of chewing gum that laid in my jacket pocket I came into the bathroom where Kirsten had finished gagging but still sat on the floor, leaned back against the wall and one hand on her still cramping stomach.

"Hey." I sat down on the floor next to her, meanwhile Kirsten looked as she was about to gag again and panting leaned over the toilet bowl. But could bring nothing more up and leaned back against the wall. "You're okay. Here, take this." I handed her a gum to get rid of the taste. "Should I go again?"

"No…" Kirsten's voice sounded weaker than I had ever heard it before when she leaned her head against my shoulder. "It's good now."

"Just breathe slowly." I rubbed circles on her back. "It's okay. Take a breath, sch, sch, sch."

I didn't know for how long we sat there, at last Kirsten could sit up slightly and I carefully pushed away a tress of blonde hair away from her sweaty forehead so it wouldn't annoy her.

"Kirsten…" I said at last. "…I didn't know until yesterday you've been getting so sick. But if it's continuing like this I really think…"

"I'll go to the doctor's next week. I don't have the time right now."

I could have strangled Caleb Nicol for those sentences only.

But right now there was nothing more to say or do while I and Kirsten stayed on the bathroom floor, she leaned her head against my shoulder and I leaned mine towards her head.

This was a position I could have sit in forever.

 **That "I love you" was actually a reference to what Kirsten says after Dawn has left in one of the first few episodes.**

 **Random fact**

Falling asleep twice, first in the car and then in the bathroom seems a bit weird. And from the beginning Sandy was about to go and collapse on his at last. But I just couldn't make it work so this scene on the bathroom floor became it. I hope you liked it.


	40. The Cohen's and Atwood and Roberts

**Thanks to guest and dixie f. 9 for reviewing.**

 **If someone would like to read them I just thought I'd let you know that since I updated this last I also put up two oneshots called "The precious butterfly" and "The helpless"**

The boys did manage to buy their food with the money they had with only a couple of dollars to spare. They came waking Kirsten and I up where we sat on the bathroom floor.

"Did you really fall asleep here?"

"Huh?" I looked up and looked around. "I guess we did… What did you make?"

"Something called sunshine stew…" I raised an eyebrow. "You do know such names are only put like that for companies to sell more?" I nodded. "Pork stew with pineapple and paprika and stuff. And then we had money left so we made pie… and it got burned in the oven… So, no pie!"

"I guess he must be your son!" I told Kirsten with a smirk. "That actually sounds good. Except for the burned pie."

"We have ice cream!"

"I…" With a yawn I put my knife and fork down and patted my stomach. "I can't get a piece more down… Now, if you don't mind I'll go sleep some more. In a bed this time. But in a bed and not the bathroom floor or the car?"

"Car?" Kirsten looked questioning and I grimaced slightly I hadn't told anyone why I had been away for so long when I was supposed to be at work, that if I did I'd kind of have to tell them about my collapse at work. "Sandy… are you feeling alright?"

"Fine." I got up. "Goodnight."

I wasn't sure how much I'd been sleeping since earlier today. But I would guess I had some sleepless night to get caught up on. I had barely reached the bedroom before I collapsed on the bed, with jeans, hoodie and shoes still on…

And felt like only a few seconds had passed by when I woke up the next morning.

"Geez." I sat up, feeling I was drenched in sweat and stiffly after the long night. "I haven't slept so long since I was eight and had the flu… and I can't recall I was so stiff by then. Although just as drenched in old sweat. Then by fever, now because of warm clothes… I need a shower."

"Huh?" Kirsten lifted her head from the pillow and looked up. "What's up? Are you still alive?"

"Seems like it… Uh- oh."

Just like she had when I smelt of vomit Kirsten suddenly turned grey- green and held a hand over her mouth when she jumped up and ran to the bathroom where she started vomiting.

I had quite the feeling I smelt just as bad as yesterday and it would make her feel even worse.

With a glance towards the clock I saw it was six in the morning. How many of these early mornings was I supposed to live through?

"Here." I undressed and then helped my wife doing the same- weak in tiredness and the vomiting before I led her into the shower and turned it on as cold as I could deal with. "How could I ever have missed this? I'm so sorry you had to be sick and I didn't even notice."

"I didn't want you to notice and made sure you didn't." Kirsten mumbled tiredly and leaned against my shoulder. "You already had too much on your mind

I kissed her forehead and made sure she was all clean before me- she could just as well go back to bed even though I wouldn't be able to sleep.

"Are you coming back to bed?" I shook my head. "You already slept for quite a while."

"I just slept for most part of twenty-four hours." I rubbed my eyes. "It was nice. It was really nice… But Kirsten." She nodded. "Promise me one thing. If you keep getting sick like that tomorrow and Monday. Then call the doctor and make an appointment as soon as you can."

"But I…"

"Promise me. Okay? Or I'll do it."

"Sure… If I get an appointment with Dr. Harris I'll have it done before the week's over and you know that."

"I know." Our family doctor was at least to trust.

I couldn't know what was wrong with Kirsten. But still there was that thought I was worrying, still not as much as I should but really this was nothing to worry about. Maybe this would go away, being something from the trauma, and meanwhile Kirsten could have that Zofran that she had when she was pregnant with Seth…

"No way!"

I mumbled to myself when the thought struck me for the first time. "Kirsten?" Kirsten had only gotten back to bed and barely lifted her eyelids to look back at me. "Are you like… I mean like… Are we… No way!"

"Sandy. I'm too tired to take this…"

"Are you pregnant?"

"No…" Kirsten snorted at me. "…Of course not. Unless this is some new kind of virgin pregnancy." I raised an eyebrow, I wouldn't be so sure! "We haven't even had the time to do it for the last nine months at least. Please Sandy." She turned on her side. "Go to bed again or back to the shower or wherever… This is just something from the trauma and nothing else. I just need some Zofran until it goes away on its own. Please just go away. I'm tired."

It really felt as if I'd forgotten something…

But I forced myself to believe Kirsten. And going back to the shower I didn't get out from the shower for another hour.

"I made an appointment with doctor Harris." Kirsten told me on Monday afternoon. "And I'll go there. And she'll run some expensive tests that I don't need…" I just had to raise an eyebrow, if there was something we didn't have to worry about it was money. "I know. I just think this is unnecessary. Anyway, I have one tomorrow. At the same time as Seth has to go to the orthopedic. Can you take him there? I have to go to the health center and it's in the other direction?"

"Sure."

"Can you bring Ryan with you? I don't want him in the house alone."

"Sure."

There were footsteps on the porch and a ring on the doorbell.

"I'll take it. I'm coming… Yes?"

A girl about Seth's age stood at the porch, short for her age, dark- haired and clutching a scrapbook album to her chest.

"You were the one who came and led me when I came to get Seth, didn't you?" The girl nodded slightly. "Your name is May or June or something like that."

"You're at the right theme- it's Summer."

How could I be wrong? I had heard that name a million times!

"In school we made this scrapbook album because we're supposed tot be missing Seth and all of that… So principal Middleton made us do this and it's just got letters and pictures and everything… I was supposed to give it to him on Friday but I forgot it and here I am… You're Mr… Cohen. Right?"

"Cohen it is." I stepped away from the door. "I'll show you where Seth is…"

Just as we did I heard a bang from the kitchen…

"I'M OKAY…" I was on my way to get and help Ryan up. "It's fine. I'm already almost up."

He wasn't! But a boy like that wouldn't want help from an adult for every move and I stayed away and showed Summer into the living room where Seth was as usual- I guess there was only so many things to do with one whole arm in a cast.

"Seth? Look who's here!"

Seth looked up, and he sort of lit up when he saw who it was and he sat right up from the slouched position he had sat in.

"Summer Roberts?" Seth spoke her name. "I… I don't… I'm not." He stuttered something and I didn't even get what he was on his way on saying. "What… What are you doing here?" He looked to the scrapbook when Summer held it to him. "What's this?"

"Principal Middleton thought we should do this. It's just letters and pictures and stuff. But it felt-.. right to do it… And I know Holly really misses you… well, she misses you doing her homework…."

I'd have to have a talk with my son about that.

"Thanks." Seth riffled in it. "Ehrm… this is Ryan." The blonde just came around the corner. I stepped out of the way for him but so many times before I just seemed to have a way of knowing that I shouldn't leave. "Summer, Ryan. Ryan, Summer."

Awkwardly Ryan and Summer shook hands while Seth introduced them to each other.

"Who are you?"

Summer must have a way with talking and asking that Ryan didn't. And I saw the thoughts spinning in between his ears.

"Just a cousin of Seth's…" Ryan sent Seth a look. "I'm from Boston."

Summer didn't even look as if she believed it for a cousin. But she didn't know Seth and she didn't know Ryan so how could she know?"

"What happened to your leg?"

"I…" Ryan made a pause again. "I just had to have surgery and you know… chop it off!"

Well, that wasn't a lie! Even if he used his dad's words rather than his own- and left out most of it! I couldn't blame him.

Summer still hadn't had enough!

"I have a cousin. He lost his leg because he had cancer. They had to remove the leg or the cancer would spread everywhere in his body. Did you have cancer?" Ryan shook his head. "Were you… born like that?" Ryan shook his head again. "Secret, huh?"

"Dad met him in Thailand after the wave." I tried to step forward, Seth only glared at me. "What? I don't see why it should be a secret!"

"The tsunami?" Summer questioned somewhere in between whispering and whimpering. I sent another death glare to my son, if Summer and Ryan weren't going to say something I would have interrupted. "I lost my best friend in that wave." Ryan waited for a second, then nodded slightly.

"Me too."

Seth pretended not to see me glaring. If he mentioned Captain Oats again…

"Why don't you just go back to Chino or something?"

 **Random fact**

The Ryan and Summer coming and Summer talking to Ryan and Ryan being a cousin and Seth tells him to go back to Chino is actually from the series. But since they're not sixteen and there's no party it had to be changed and I'm kind of happy with the way it turned out.


	41. The mistake I made

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9 for reviewing.**

" _Why don't you just go back to Chino or something?"_

It seemed to take everyone- including me to hear what Seth had said.

"Chino?" Summer took a jump backwards as if Ryan had the plaque. "Ew."

Ryan didn't even seem to hear Summer. He took a turn and slowly jumped over to Seth. His eyes were dark in anger and despite the crutches it wouldn't have surprised me if Ryan had hit Seth right in the face.

If I would have been Ryan I'd probably had liked doing exactly that. Right now I wasn't, and despite the anger roaring up inside of me I had to be the adult and held Ryan back.

"You think I wouldn't like to go back?" Ryan questioned and his voice was low and dark. "You wouldn't think I spend all my nights twisting and turning and wishing I wouldn't ever have come up with the idea of stupid Thailand. No, instead I end up here. With a world of pancake-eating, money-spending, spoiled brats that doesn't know how lucky they are. That acts up in the very second they don't get exactly what they want- everything they want."

"I think I should go now."

Summer left the album she had brought and looking up at me and speaking fast ran off.

"Bye Mr. Cohen. It was nice meeting you."

Seth sadly looked after her, I knew I should have said something but couldn't think of anything.

"I've liked her ever since I can remember."

"Yeah. And you also told me that you've never even spoke to her."

"Stop it" I was just about to say something but Seth interrupted jumped onto his feet. "You can't just come here and… and… and act like you're running the place. And act like you know everything about everybody here. Because if you did then maybe dad wouldn't have to tell you time again that you won't be kicked out. It's like he says it and you don't even hear it… And that's only one thing… Now I'm not so sure what I want… Not that what I say matters anyway…"

"You have got to be kidding me… Do you want to know what it's actually like when your parents won't care about you… when no one cares for you… But no, now as soon as you aren't the only center of attention anymore you throw a tantrum and accuse them for not even caring about you. Now that is my world! You don't think…"

"GO." Seth shouted and interrupted. "Just go. I don't want you here. I only have to say I do because it's what dad wants and…"

"SETH." I shouted and interrupted at last. "That's enough. Go to your room, I'll deal with you la…"

I sighed deeply when Ryan moved and hurried as good as he could out of the room and I saw him cross the patio towards the pool house. Seth still hadn't moved from where he stood on the couch, angrily shaking and panting.

 _I only have to say I do because it's what dad wants._

"Just let me ask one thing." I said, not knowing if I should yell or fizzle or whatever I should do. "How on earth do you think Ryan feels now?"

"How Ryan feels?" The saliva scattered from Seth's mouth when he talked to me and I took a step back. "How do you think I feel? And I'm your son. I'm the one you should care about and…"

Right then I took the worst decision of my life.

Something I would remember second by second for the rest of my life.

I slapped someone.

And as if that wasn't bad enough in itself. I slapped my son.

And I thought I had done the right thing.

But only for half a second.

"Seth."

Seth took a jump down from the couch and with a hand towards his cheek ran away and up the stairs while I sunk down on the couch and rubbed my palm with the other hand.

After all of the promises I had made to Ryan no one in this house would ever hurt him…

If I could only go back in time, only for a minute or two…

…never again.

Seth hadn't even done anything wrong, everything he'd said was true. I should care about him, yes. But that part about doing what I wanted…

How on earth was I ever going to be able to look him in the eyes ever again?

With a sigh, after what felt like hours I stood up and walked over the patio, knocked on the door and opened it to find Ryan packing. I and Seth had gotten him two backpacks a bit ago, the smaller Harry Potter one mostly because Seth wanted one of his own. He now had the bigger one lying on the bed and seemed in the middle of trying to pack.

"Oh Ryan." He looked insecurely up at me. I gestured to the bed and sat down, not even waiting for him to say anything about it. Ryan came jumping and sat down next to me and I laid a hand on his shoulder and tried to think of whatever I could say. "Do you know how many times I wished my siblings out of the house?" Ryan shrugged. "More times than I could count. But not the point…. I'm sorry for what Seth said… And I'm sorry for not talking things through properly before… before I decided… decided…"

"That I should live with you?"

"Yeah… But still. That is one decision I'm never going to regret. And I… I'm sorry for you getting in the middle of everything. There might have been other arrangements that could have been and I decided not to bother with them… now… I'll have to talk to Seth- and listen to what he thinks this time. And I'm also going to be honest with you if you will live here- because I don't know. But I do know I won't kick you out on the street. If there's something else then… yes?"

Ryan had spent the last few sentences I had said seeming like he wanted to say something else and interrupt me. Knowing Ryan that wasn't something he'd do…

"I know it may seem like Seth made me do it now…" Ryan pulled up his phone and span it in his phone. "But I've tried and contact some of my old friends in Chi… back at home. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to hurt you…"

I should have been able to interrupt and say something. Tell him not to worry about what I felt. But if I said anything he'd probably never finish…

"…I wanted to ask them if I could come live with them… you know… I appreciate everything you've done for me. I could never thank you enough. But… this isn't my home. This isn't my world."

 _Then wait another while and try and make it…_

"And you're sure this isn't about something I or Kirsten or Seth did or Seth said or did?"

"No. It couldn't be… It's just way too big for making a decision like that."

 _I doubted it…_

But the way Ryan looked at me, the way he looked into my eyes.

"I know I can be a lot of things Sandy. But I'm not a liar. So, when I say that I've been doing this no matter what Kirsten or Seth or even you said or did- can you believe me?"

 _No!_

 _No I can't!_

 _You aren't a liar Ryan but you would also do anything to make things better for everyone but yourself._

"Of course I can… What is the result of you trying to reach these… old friends in Chino?"

"Well, I can't exactly call them up and say- hey. It's Ryan. I know you haven't heard from me for six months but I'm just wondering if I could come and live with you. Yeah- you know my dad's but Trey and mum are… well." He forced a smirk towards me. "I couldn't exactly do it like that. Could I?"

I forced a smile and shook my head, no. That might not be the best way.

But only looking at him, once again as the adult I still had to think about the practical stuff. And be very fast here.

"Since you're already known at Newport hospital, I might be able to pull some strings and make this work as fast as possible. And, as I did with the ones before I will make sure bills are paid." Ryan looked as if he was about to protest. "Don't worry kid. It's better I do it or the bills can't be paid and end up way more expensive than they were from the start… But I'm guessing there are still things to be done and doctor's visits. I have to take Seth to the orthopedic to get rid of his cast tomorrow so I'll talk to someone in charge."

"I guess… One of those… you know a prosthetic leg would be nice… My hands and shoulders are a bit tired from jumping around on crutches… sorry. I just kept speaking. I know those are quite expensive."

How many times would I need to say that money wasn't an issue here?

"You can have one if you want. With your care the actual care and living situation and well- being means a million times more than any money. And suddenly it hits me that I sound like the creepiest kind of creepy stalkers."

"Really?" Ryan leaned his head to the side and only watched me for a few seconds. "I don't think so… I think you sound like someone who cares… Cares a lot."

I couldn't help but smile.

"One more thing Ryan. You can always come or show up or call here. Even if you've done something bad and needs to be bailed out or need a thousand dollars not to be murdered if you don't pay… You can always come to me, okay? It doesn't matter if it's in the middle of the night or anything. Like you just said- I care a lot. As long as you let me."

"So that's… See where I'll live, care at the hospital- maybe a prosthetic leg and I can always come to you…"

"Deal?" I held out my hand.

"Deal!" He shook it and sighed looking around the room where clothes were thrown a bit here and there.

"Do you need help cleaning up?"

"No… you should go and talk to Seth… if you haven't yet."

I had stopped thinking about it for just one second…

"No I haven't…" I stood up. "And don't worry about what he said…"

"Sandy?"

"Yes?"

"Please don't be angry at him."

I had been angry, I had been angrier than ever before.

"Hey son." Seth sat by his desk drawing something when I came upstairs. "What's that?" I tried to lean in and see but before I did Seth had covered it with his arm. "Okay? Then I won't look." When I looked up Seth lowered his arm but in the corner of my eye I could see a sketch of a comic. "I figured you might need this." I held him a bag of frozen peas that I'd wrapped in a kitchen towel. Without another word Seth took it, and knowing I had caused the bruise below his eye I hated myself even more than a second ago.

"Are you gonna yell at me?" I shook my head. "Are you angry at me still?"

"No Seth I could never be angry at you. At something you did or are doing- yes. But never at you in person. And I… I was angry at you when you spoke to Ryan in the way you did. But then I realized afterwards… and after I did… you know what! That you were right… and Seth- look at me." Carefully Seth lifted his vision from the paper and turned towards me. "I'm sorry. I should have spoken more, and more for real with you before I… you know…"

"Let Ryan move in with us?"

"Yeah."

"The thing is…" Seth finally put his pencil down and turned the chair to look at me. "Ryan's cool. And I like the… I like not being alone you know… it's like having a brother and I… but then there are times and I just… I just believe I do it for you, that I wouldn't want it. But really I'm not doing it for you but for me and mum too… and then…"

"Seth? Do you know how many times I wished Lucien or Dora out of the house when we were little?" He shook his head. "At least a couple of times… a day. Now… I spoke to Ryan. And as it turns out he's already been getting contact with some of his old friends… It's not because of you but it's like he says… this isn't his world. I'd like to help him make it but… it's not as simple as that."

"Ryan lived as long in Chino as I have here. I couldn't ever imagine what it must be like… you know."

A memory passed by from when I'd come from New York and to college and…

But I was an adult! And I'd chosen it myself.

"Me neither… I'm sorry." I tenderly laid my hand on his cheek and pushed away the ice pack. "I shouldn't ever have laid a finger on you. If someone else did I would… I couldn't live with anyone else doing it so why did I?"

"It's okay dad. It didn't hurt that bad. And I did deserve it."

"No Seth. Don't you say that. You didn't deserve it and I shouldn't as much as lay a finger on you- and I'm sorry."

"Yeah…" He looked up when we heard the door downstairs. "I left that album downstairs… HEY MUM."

"Now…" I mumbled to myself holding the frozen peas bag in one hand. "Now how am I going to explain this to her… Maybe she won't even see."

"What happened on your face Seth?"

She saw!

"I… Accidentally hit myself with the PlayStation control." Kirsten only looked back at him with a raised eyebrow-he had done that before but right now she saw right through his lies. I took the frozen peas and laid them back in the freezer, behind Kirsten's back I looked back on Seth and nodded slightly. "…dad slapped me."

"What?"

The reaction didn't let wait for it. I could hear it in her voice and her eyes were burning when she turned to look at me.

"I… ehrm.. Hrm." I cleared my throat. "I did… Look! I feel terrible. I'll never do such a thing again." Kirsten grabbed me by the shirt. "Really? I hate myself for it. I would never."

"You better not."

"I promise… I know how bad I feel about it now I couldn't imagine what…" I gasped. "I promise."

She let go of my shirt. Damn! She could be one mama bear!

"Please. Don't tell Ryan. He's always so afraid of getting hurt and… just… don't tell anyone. Okay?"

I could still see the anger in Kirsten's moves where she stood with her back against me. Seth on the other hand had gone into the living room to watch a movie.

"I can't wait until I get rid of this cast so I can play video games again." Seth sat in the corner of the sofa as usual and I pushed a hand's fingers through his hair. "You already said you were sorry dad… And I still think I deserved it."

I didn't answer that, but was suddenly hit by a thought.

"Seth… is it that someone else… hit you or anything and said that you deserved it?"

Seth shrugged, then looked at me from under his fringe and back to the TV.

"I've never watched this movie before."

 **Can you guys just believe me when I say that Ryan's telling the truth when he's saying that it wasn't Seth nor Kirsten who made him want to move back to Chino?**

 **Random fact**

The fact that Sandy slaps Seth was actually not planned until I thought of a way to continue. I kind of feel bad because Sandy's just the cutest. Still, with what Seth kept saying and everything he just sort of snapped… Do you hate it? Should I just delete the chapter and write it again without the slap?


	42. The too busy

**Thanks to Guest for reviewing.**

 **Okay, I don't know anything about fostering/ adoption, but I'm doing my best and I found a page about it with a lot of info. And whether I find it there or I'll use things to suit the story (Because I'll do that too) You'll just have to trust me that I'll make it work.**

 **This chapter is told from Kirsten's pov.**

"But whether we'd like it or not Ryan still has a guardian." Sandy was frustrated where he sat by the breakfast table with his forehead leaning in his hand. "Frank's his guardian And no matter what we say he's in charge."

I thought back to the Frank that had been standing on our porch, shouting he wouldn't by any means want Ryan in his life, throwing up at our porch and kept calling me Christie as if he couldn't even bother to remember my name.

How was he going to rule over a child?

But Sandy had told me about what both Ryan and Seth had said yesterday when I went to do some shopping. And after everything I wanted to think that we could take Ryan into this house and live happily ever after. If nothing else than for Sandy…

If nothing else then for Ryan! Mostly for Ryan!

I couldn't help it when I couldn't quite trust Ryan. He was something else than Seth and mature for his age I knew but there was just something inside of me that I couldn't understand or even help.

"One day we're going to be able to look back on this." Sandy had his hand lying on the table and I moved mine and laid it over his. "And I hope we're going to know we made the right decision. For us too but mostly for Ryan." Sandy gave a weak smile, lifted his hand from mine and stroke over my hair. "I have to go now. I've got that doctor's visit already in half an hour and then I have to go to work."

"I have to take Seth to the orthopedic later on. I'll check if I can ask someone about what Ryan needs too. Is it okay with you if I leave them alone here afterwards? Only for an hour or two? I'm going to punch in at work, see what they can do for a family lawyer." Sandy sighed. "God knows it would be amazing if I could just lay down and sleep and then all of this is over when I wake up."

I gave Sandy a quick kiss and took my bag and my cardigan, nodded to Rosa where she just came around and just as I came outside moaned- that stupid nausea!

"So, here we are." By Dr. Harris' desk she sat down on the other side of it from me with some paper sheets in front of her on the desk. "Nauseas you say. And you said you might be suffering from some PTSD. If I understood it right on the phone you were in Thailand at the tsunami?" I nodded. "So how are you? And Seth and Sandy?"

"We're all okay."

"Phew. Then of course. That sort of stress can cause all kinds of symptoms. Both mentally and physical…"

"Ever since we came home a couple of days later, I've gotten nauseas and thrown up in the morning. And sometimes when there's a bad smell or taste… I'm absolutely sure it's just got to do with stress from the trauma we went through. But I'm mostly doing this for Sandy. You know him! He's a worrier."

"I know… so let's go back to what your symptoms are. You tell me you've been nauseas a lot, particularly in the morning… " She took a riffle in her papers. "Is there any chance you're having a baby?"

"No. That's what Sandy thought too. But as he would know that would mean it would have to be some weird kind of virgin pregnancy. We've been so busy the last year and so tired when we're not at work all we've had time and energy for is eating and sleeping. Barely even for things like meetings at Seth's school or meeting up with friends, let alone sex… That's why we went to Thailand in the first place. Not to have sex but to get some time to finally be able to relax and not be busy twenty four/ seven."

"Hmmm…" Dr. Harris didn't seem so sure. "And your period, has it been regular like it should?" I rolled my eyes. Then tried to remember and counted on my fingers.

"It should have started in between Christmas and New Year's but it didn't. And since I was eleven and had my first period I've always been like a calendar and a clock. But you do know just as well as I do that that too is caused by the stress and trauma and maybe with one problem sorted out with the nausea and everything that will come back as it usually does."

"So you haven't had a period since… end of November- beginning of December." I couldn't help but sigh deeply. "I'm sorry sweetheart. I have to ask."

"No. But it doesn't matter. Can you just write me a prescription for Zofran? I got that when I was having Seth and it worked without side effects. I'm pretty sure it will this time soon until things slow down…"

"Have you been drinking any alcohol or anything of that matter while…"

"I don't get what that has to do with anything. But I did have a couple of glasses of whine a day or two after Seth came home from the hospital. And I've never had such nightmares so I haven't dared to drink more."

Dr. Harris looked down on her papers and noted something again before she looked up again and dropped her pencil.

"That's it then. You're probably correct but I'll draw some blood tests just in case. And I will write a prescription so the first thing you can do when getting out of here. You're not afraid of needles so it shouldn't be a problem! Do you just want to stay there sitting or do you want to get up on a stretcher?"

"Just take the tests." I rolled my sleeve up. "And I'm not worrying. Sandy and Seth are."

I could just as well ignore the fact that I was kind of tired of chucking my guts up (as Seth so nicely expressed it) every morning.

"I could also write you a medical certificate. Then you can take some time off work and rest."

"You know my dad would never accept that."

He sure wouldn't…

 _I wish my mum was here… She'd know what was going on and sort it out._

 **Random fact**

I just made it so Dr. Harris knew Kirsten and her family somewhat from earlier visits… I'm not sure if it would work like that.

Mentioning "period" at all is sort of outside my comfort box… then I remembered a oneshot I wrote years ago with Jody from the dumping ground having her first period- if I could write that one I could write this and that is how it turned out.


	43. The orhopedic

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9 for reviewing.**

 **Hey. I was going to tell you in the A/N for the last chapter. But I wrote another oneshot. This time a birthday fic because I wanted to and it's my birthday on Friday. If anyone would read and review it would make me sooooososo happy.**

The morning after the big fight had occurred was a quieter one than I had ever experienced. Ryan was mostly the same with me, but as usual didn't say much. Seth was another story, and refused to look neither me nor Ryan in the eyes- he wasn't looking up at all really.

"Let's go then." I was quite relieved when the morning was finally moving on and we were going to the hospital. Seth was finally getting rid of his huge cast. And I'd have to talk to someone about Ryan. "It's time to go."

The boys didn't look or talk to each other during the car ride neither. Seth sat at the front and Ryan on the other side and in the back and both of them silently watching out the window.

I could see in the look in Ryan's eyes he saw the mark by Seth's eye and where it came from. He then looked meaning to me. If I could just have the last twenty-four hours undone. I hated seeing the boys like this…

It certainly wasn't any better when I sat in the waiting room on the orthopedic ward with either of the boys by my side and on different sides with both of them a couple of chairs away from me.

Talk about monkey in the middle!

"Seth Cohen?"

I breathed out when a nurse came and called Seth's name, he didn't seem relieved at all.

"It's okay son." I patted his shoulder when on the way out of the waiting room. "It will be nice to get away that clumsy cast won't it?" Seth just shrugged. "He doesn't like hospitals." I said to the nurse, he shook his head a bit.

"We see this every day." He led us into a small room with equipment stocked up among the walls on every single centimeter except for a large sink. Seth backed away as if he wanted to run away. "Here is the machine I will be using to cut the cast." The nurse took a saw that looked a bit too much like something that would be seen in a workshop. "It looks scary and it makes a lot of noise. But don't you worry about it. It's not going to hurt you and neither can it. And then when it's done, I will use the equipment over there. And the cast will only be on your forearm and a whole lot smaller than that one. That will be nice, won't it?"

Seth didn't look as if it was by any means nice.

"Do you want to stay Mr. Cohen?"

"No… there are some other things I have tot sort out." The nurse smiled at me when I left the room and started going over what I had said. "Ryan…" I was knocked off when I found Ryan already in the hallway following another nurse. "What's going on?"

"Already when Ryan was a sort of full- time patient here we took some measurements on his stump. We start by making a temporary prosthetic leg that can be used to get used to while the swelling goes down but we haven't been able to reach neither him nor his dad… Anyway. I recognized him when I found him here today and he tells me he's waiting for his… well… I don't know what to call it really. But the prosthetic is already made and we could get some new measurements and we can also let Ryan try out the temporary prosthetic and take it with him home to practice. Because this boys- will not be as easy as it sounds. In here is the rehab."

I stepped in after Ryan and looked around the room, a younger girl, perhaps kindergarten- age sat slumped in a wheelchair with a pout and arms crossed over a chest while a man- probably her dad and a male nurse were kneeled down on either side and tried to talk to her.

An older boy- high- school age with the wildest curly hair I had ever seen and glasses stood with the nurses and joked about something.

"Wait here for a second."

Ryan sat down on a bench by the wall and I sat right next to him, a door on the other side of the room had a sign that said "swimming pool" on it and with bars and boxing bags and balls and everything else one could imagine I thought that this must help the patients more than I'd ever known.

"Hello." The curly- haired boy came and sat down on the other side of Ryan from me. "My name is Tom." The boy- Tom held out his hand to Ryan and Ryan shook it. "Tom Jackson. Well, Thomas actually but my mum only calls me that when I've done something bad. I'm this place's mascot. I always talk to the new ones."

"Ryan Atwood." Ryan shook the older boy's hand.

"It looks as if it's your first time here. Is it?" Ryan nodded, Tom pulled up his slack and showed a prosthetic where his right leg should have been. "May I ask what happened to you." There was silence when Ryan didn't answer, but I saw him gesture towards the boy. "I know. Not everyone likes to talk about it. It has happened that someone attacked me for asking the question. I had cancer… But don't…" A woman with the same curly hair as her son came up to the boys clutching her handbag and about to leave when Tom leaned closer to Ryan and almost whispered, loud enough for everyone to hear it. "Don't tell my mum about it. She'll be so worried, she won't stop fussing until I've been NED for at least a couple of years."

There it was again and a kid who couldn't appreciate their parents. I just hadn't ever seen it before despite where I came from too.

"We can leave now if you want to."

"I don't want to mum. Can't you see I'm making friends here. This is Brian."

"Ryan."

"Oh yeah…" Tom looked up on me. "So are you Mr. Atwood?"

I had a feeling it wasn't the last time we got that.

"Cohen." I answered and he raised an eyebrow. "It's a long story… But if you don't mind me asking questions. You mentioned NED. What does it mean?"

"When someone has cancer there'll always the risk of it coming back. How big the risk is, is depending on what type of cancer. During a number of years after they've been put as NED they have to come for regular checkups. How long too depending on what type of cancer. And if nothing new turns up and they're declared healthy. Meanwhile there's hopefully No Evidence of Disease- NED."

"Here we go." The nurse just came over again holding a prosthetic leg in her hands. "Time to learn how to do this, and take care of it in all the right ways… But if there's anyone who could teach you it's Tommy here. We won't get rid of him no matter how hard we try." Tom made a face towards the nurse but she just ignored him. "As I told you this is just a temporary one. We'll take some measurements before we put this on.

Wow! This whole thing with prosthetic was a whole piece of science in itself.

What it must be like for Ryan when the nurse took measurements of how his big his stump was and telling him how to wash the new leg his head must be spinning and I wouldn't be surprised if he fainted.

And he hadn't even stood up yet.

"Should we try and stand up?"

What was it with nurses and them always using "we" rather than "you" like it really was.

"Can you get right over from that bench and into this wheelchair and I'll push you right over to the bars." Ryan nodded and with my support he managed to get into the chair from jumping on one leg. The prosthetic sort of hanging to the side. "That feels weird doesn't it… Here we go." A part of the floor were covered in mattresses, right so by the bars in which one could walk with support on both sides. Here. You can start with doing simple tasks, standing up and sitting or lying down, walking on a flat surface. Then move onto try and get yourself up if you fall- but. Unlike many others…" She glared towards the curly haired boy nearby who whistled innocently. "Don't hurt yourself on purpose when you pretend falling to try it, walk in stairs. Do you live nearby the beach?" Ryan looked at me with a frown. For the moment… He nodded at last. "Try going there, walk in hills, get outside and wear slacks if you don't feel comfortable with people seeing. Literally do anything and everything you'd do in your life if you still had two full legs."

"That unfortunately means you have to clean and tidy as well."

Tom had followed us and blinked at me. I was about to answer him, then I saw a, very small smile on Ryan's lips and took a step back quietly.

"Now." The nurse shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Are you ready to stand up and try to walk?" Ryan drew a deep breath and then nodded when she patted one of the bars she had next to her and sorted them out in the correct height. "Whenever you're ready." I held my hands out, ready to catch him but the nurse made a move as if she pushed me away. "We prefer parents to stay behind even at the beginning. So that the kids can learn in the way and the time they want. It sounds unreasonable and mean but…"

"There are parents who won't let the kids make a move by themselves or let them learn."

"I think it's time for you to shut up now Tom Jackson. Are you ready?"

Ryan gave a very slight nod and locked the wheels of the wheelchair, then reached up to grab the bars and pulled himself up to stand up.

"There we go."

I pressed my lips together, and refused to make a sound until Ryan sat again- whatever sound I'd make I would end up destroying something for Ryan while he moved his hands forward and took the shortest step forward.

"Look at that! Can you try and take a longer step now? And of course- switch in between putting your weight on your new leg and moving it… awesome. Whoa?" A couple of steps into it Ryan stumbled and fell and only at the last moment managed to catch himself up on the bars. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"You can tell us if you need a break…"

"No." Ryan took hard grips around the bars and half pulled half limped his way over the mattresses floor, then turned and almost fell again. "Sandy? Weren't you supposed to get Seth?"

Oh, yeah… I was.

Seth wasn't about to be any less mad at me or Ryan- or even himself when I forgot about him and at last ran back to the casting room. I didn't need to find it again luckily, Seth sat in the hallway on a plastic chair looking sick and tired with everything.

"Seth." I threw my hands out in an apologetic move. "I'm so sorry. There was so much happening there I completely forgot about…"

"…me!"

"Ehrm, yeah. And I'm sorry for that. Here. Let me see your arm." Seth's whole arm- cast had been changed into one smaller over the underarm and a smaller sling. "Awesome! You can play video games and computer again now… or do you still have to keep it still?"

"No, I can play again."

"You must be over the moon!"

Seth didn't look as if he was over the moon with joy. He didn't look happy at all!

"I'm sorry Seth. I really am."

Then what I was sorry for, really?"

"For Ryan over here this is going to take a while. I just have to stay with them, I want to make sure they don't send any more bills back to Frank." I realized I had never done it earlier and even to myself when I tried to figure what to say it sounded creepy. I sighed and with it decided that the best option was to take it with me to work and change Ryan's address before anything else. "Do you want to come with me?" I waited for a moment before Seth shook his head.

"I saw a new comic in the kiosk when we passed it." He mumbled. "I have my own money…"

I couldn't help but sigh deeply, it felt like the millionth time today.

"I'll go back to Ryan and he's right in here." I turned into the rehab room. "Hey. Look at that! You're quite the fast learner!"

"He's learning way faster than I did." Tom pouted. "Not fair!"

Ryan jokingly glared to both me and Tom before he turned again and walked back up along the bars again.

Seth soon came back. He looked around the room, as if to check if I was there and then walked out the room, when I followed he had sat down right in the hallway with the comics he had bought and I walked back into the room.

"If you're tired we can end this here today." The nurse told Ryan because he was honestly starting to move without the energy he had from the start. "Do you want to sit down?"

"No." I had never seen Ryan like this when he fizzled in between his teeth. "I want to go on."

For more than one hour Ryan paced back and forth. First along the bars and then with his crutches. It wasn't like he learnt just like that. But he had just made up his mind he was going to be able to put one crutch down and then have one hand free while moving.

"Hey Ryan." Even Tom had turned calmer. "You're going to have the hell of a soreness tomorrow… Come on now. You've done enough. It's pancake day in the cafeteria."

That finally caught Ryan's attention, hearing the older boy talking about pancakes out of everything. He looked upwards to the clock to see how long he had been here. It was right then he stumbled and fell flat.

"Come on." I supported him to get up. "I think it's time to go. Tom's right. You have done enough for today and you're going to feel sore."

"And it's pancakes day in the cafeteria. You can't miss it!"

Yes! He really was way too excited but whatever worked for him.

"Well, we've got to try those if they make them so good Tom makes them sound.". Come on boys…" I laid one hand each on Ryan and Seth's shoulders. "It's past lunch time anyway."

"Follow me."

I was pretty sure we didn't need to be led down to the cafeteria. It was right by the big, revolving doors one passed to get into the hospital. But if Tom wanted to march ahead of us then I couldn't blame him.

Those pancakes were the best!

"It was nice of you to stay with us." Mrs. Jackson told me when she and I sat down on either side of the table towards the wall. "I'm sure Tom appreciates it too. He always makes new friends…" She glanced to Tom and Ryan who sat down on either side of the table too a couple of chairs away from us. And then Seth at the furthest end of the table with fork in one hand and comic in the other. "He's going to eat and read at the same time?"

"He's done it before!"

And none of those moments were like this one.

Even in a place like this, after doctor's visits, even though the boys didn't have the worse it was nice for a place like this and someone to chat with. Something else then where we had ended up the last month and what would happen next…

"Mr. Cohen? Just let me ask. Are you single?"

"No…" I started laughing- I could see where Tom got his none- shy ways from and Mrs. Jackson turned bright red. "I'm married…" I held up my hand before I remembered. "We… we lost our rings in…" I glanced to the boys that seemed caught up in their talking, or in Seth's case, a comic. "…We… ehrm… we were in the tsunami in Thailand…" Mrs. Jackson dropped the fork to her plate with a BANG and caught the boys' attention- and about half of the people in the cafeteria. "I know… Just a second… you can just go back to whatever you were talking about." I waited for another couple of minutes before everyone had gone back. "I need to find another way I could have lost things until people have calmed down about this… anyway. What I meant to say was that we… we lost a lot… Ryan lost his family. I and my family lost a whole lot of things but we're all okay- including our wedding rings. And the rest is just a whole lot of a long story."

"Oh…"

I already wished I hadn't said anything. Why couldn't I just had said we had lost our things and then left it at that?

"…that poor thing… so many people lost so much… Well. Sorry Mr. Cohen, you probably don't like to talk about it like this."

"It's fine…" I laid my cutlery to the side- I didn't feel hungry anymore. "I'm the one who mentioned it. But so much I can tell that I'm not single… and I really need to get some new rings."

I smirked to make it seem like a joke. But Mrs. Jackson didn't buy it and she neither seemed able to eat anymore. Which seemed at the right time anyway, because a couple of chairs away from us the boys were finishing their meals too.

"Hospital food is never the best." That Tom could sure chatter just as well as his mum. "Not even in this cafeteria. But… Do you know something they make really well?" Ryan shook his head. "Desserts." Tom pulled his own wallet out from his pocket. "My treat. Or…" He looked to his mum. "Do we have to go home?" Mrs. Jackson shook her head, so did I. "Do you Mr. Cohen?" I shook my head. "Well then. You go on!"

"Awesome! And…" Seth still held his comic but I could see him throwing an eye at us others. "Sam was it, right?"

I was about to answer myself. Then stopped myself, knowing Seth was almost a teenager and perfectly capable of correcting the older boy himself.

"Seth."

"Oh, yeah right. Anyway, they've got the best carrot cake ever. And… well, I've had time to try it all. All of their things is to die for really- except the mint cake… Do you want some too?"

Seth hesitated, looked to Ryan, looked to me, bit his lip and then shook his head.

"No thank you. I'm good."

After everything I couldn't help but feel distressed and quite sad for my son. I knew he had said some terrible things but I hated seeing him like this, it wasn't him! And the one reason he was, I knew was mostly about feeling bad. Hated himself and what he had done more than anything else.

"Well, if you're sure. Come on Ryan. You can't go any faster than that?"

"Can I…." Seth sighed and hesitated. "…Can I just go back to the car and wait? I remember where you put it. I still have more than half of this left so you don't have to stress back."

"Yes…" I leaned down over my jacket that hung over the back of my chair and got the keys out of the pocket. I handed them to Seth. "Lock the doors and leave the belt unbuckled."

"Yeah… Seth?" Seth had stood up and taken his comic book. He still wasn't looking at me while he mumbled a thank you. "You know you can always talk to me. We don't have to go on and on about yesterday. And I love you no matter what- so even when you've done something bad you can talk about it."

"Yeah. See you later."

"There…" while watching Seth leaving the cafeteria, I could see Mrs. Jackson watching me in the corner of my eye- but I didn't want to spread the words that had gone in between the boys, it wasn't on anyone else's business. "…was a fight. In between the boys…. And I think that Seth feels bad for what he said himself more than anything. He should but… I just hate seeing him like this- usually he won't shut up."

"There are… They are…" I turned back to Mrs. Jackson when I couldn't any longer see my son. "…strange human beings, aren't they? Every time they're supposed to be mature and get what's right and wrong and everything. I know my son loves me and I love him but still he's taking every chance he gets moaning about me fussing too much. Just like you say you can't just take it on and on and on. If there's anything Tom's taught me it is to always look forward, and never look back." She sniveled and suddenly a tear rolled down her cheek. "He hasn't mentioned it all morning…"

"Mentioned what?"

A bad feeling in my stomach was threatening to turn my whole stomach inside down and make me throw up.

"Tommy always likes to go to the rehab rooms and, for example help someone who's going through the similar things he has been through… This morning, right before you came we found out he has relapsed. And it doesn't look well."

An invisible hand had gripped hard around my throat, as I turned I could barely see Thomas Jackson where he was pointing and laughing at something he could see amongst the rows of cakes and sodas.

Only a couple of hours must have passed since what Mrs. Jackson mentioned had happened and Tom was laughing as if there wasn't a care in the world. Right next to him Ryan was laughing for the first time I had ever seen.

"Geez mum." All of a sudden Tom and Ryan were back and Tom saw his mother crying. He sat down, put the plate with carrot cake on the table before he wrapped his arms around her shoulders from the side. "You know. This feels like shit for me too. But you know what it is I always say."

"You say quite a lot of wise things Tommy."

"That's true. But there are three things that fits mostly right now."

"Always leave the terrible inside the examine rooms." She said with a shaky voice. "Don't let the sun go down on your anger, and tomorrow is always a new day."

"Good girl." Tom said and patted her head as if she was a dog. "Hold on. Chocolate makes women happy." He pulled a bill out of his pocket. "I'll go get you some chocolate cake. Do you want anything Mr. Cohen?" I shook my head. "I'll be right back."

"Argh." Mrs. Jackson dried her tears with a napkin. "I hate crying." I saw Ryan in the corner of my eye, looked at him and he gave me a meaning look back. "He says quite a lot of weird things that boy…"

Tom just sat down and Mrs. Jackson leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

"Mu- um. That there are some extra cells in my body right now still doesn't mean I like you doing that… and besides. That middle one isn't mine, it's from the bible."

 **About the relapse I didn't have the idea until I was writing it. Anyway I love Tom, I don't know what will happen to him now but just as Clark or Hector he'll have his moments in the story while not having a bigger part. Did I make the right decision putting him in there or am I putting too much characters and details into one story?**

 **I'm aware that I should have made more research about prosthetics and everything before I started writing it and I thought I did but didn't really. Anyway. I'm doing some now (and found that about a temporary prosthetic at first) And I hope it will work out.**

 **Random fact**

I really kind of feel sorry for Seth. He did say some hurtful things and all of that. But he does regret it and would do anything to take it back. He's also watching Ryan be this person who makes friends wherever he goes while it's not so simple for himself.

Just one more thing- Sandy tells Seth to lock the doors and leave the belts unbuckled when alone in the car. Things like that (as well as the hand breaks) were things our dad would tell my brother and I if he had to leave us alone in the car. And even now, at twenty-four. I do it if alone in the car.


	44. The parents

**Thanks to Dixie f. 9 and guest for reviewing.**

" **Jumps up and down in frustration" I do know what Seth said was cruel and hurtful. But they can't go on and on and act awkwardly and barely even stay in the same room forever. And not everything Seth does is because of being spoiled; he is without a doubt. But he feels terrible and ends up even pushing away Ryan now and Tom because he's afraid of making things even worse. He also just wants to have a friend, a brother even. But he just doesn't… He just doesn't know… I don't know how to describe it. He just doesn't have the "correct" social skills… how do I know? Because I was Seth! Heck! I am Seth, and I'm an adult. And of course he'd be jealous of people who could more easily make friends while he is left outside alone, no matter the reason.**

 **I just want everyone to stop shaming on him and hating him. He's going through some quite traumatic too- and once again, it's not as bad for him as for Ryan but… it's not about who's off better or worse.**

 **Did I say it all? I think I said it all. Next follows another note- this one is of a happier kind.**

 **For the last three years I have applied to a school hoping to get in. And last week, on my birthday of all days, I found out I finally got in. The term starts at the end of August and after then I don't know how much time I'll have for writing and stuff. But of course, I'll still do everything to update all of my stories and at some time finish all of them.**

 **Is that it now? I think that's it now. I hope you enjoy the chapter.**

"You're getting quite a hang of this walking- with- prosthetic- thing."

The day after Seth had gotten a new cast and Ryan a prosthetic leg Seth had played video games pretty much every second. He would come into the kitchen, get a bagel or a bowl of cereal and then go back into the living room.

And not even when I stood by the kitchen counter and sorted out coffee or a bagel for myself Seth said a word or even look up at me.

It was like I couldn't move from the kitchen all morning, just in case either Ryan nor Seth came into the kitchen. Seth did several times, Ryan not so much. But just as I was about to go out into the pool house to at least make sure he ate the patio door opened and Ryan came limping in with only one crutch supporting him.

"I guess." Ryan made his way forward. "I just… I'm a bit hungry so I'm just going to get something to eat." I moved away from the kitchen cupboards so he could get what he wanted. He then stumbled and before I could catch him he fell flat on the floor. "I'm okay. I'm okay." He supported himself to get up on his one leg. "I guess I have to learn this on my own…. At least I did it faster then when I fake fell on purpose to try." He was up within seconds.

We could hear Seth in the living room- or more likely we could hear the silence from him, as he would usually talk to himself and to the game and now we just heard the movement of the control's buttons and the fans of the PlayStation. And Ryan right away seemed awkward and hurrying with his moves.

"It's lunch time soon." I told him. "Do you want to come here or should I take some outside for you?"

"I'll…" Ryan hesitated and took the plate and glass in one hand. "No, it's okay. I can do it myself. I can come inside. Hey Kirsten." Just as Ryan was about to leave my wife came home.

"I thought you were working today." Kirsten had a strange look on her face, as if she was chocked and not knowing what to say and I stroke her cheek. "Are you alright?" I moved my hand up and felt her forehead. "Did you go back to the Doctor's today already? What did she say?"

"Ehrm…"

We were both interrupted when Seth started yelling and talking to himself again.

"He was quiet just a second ago…" I forgot about what I was about to talk to Kirsten ago. "You know… those boys.

"I know what Seth said was hurtful but… I hate seeing them like this."

"Sandy."

For some reason I just barely heard her calling my name.

"All quiet and awkward and regretful."

"Sandy."

"Nothing can change what they said."

"Sandy"

"We can't go on and on about it forever."

"Sandy."

"I should have stepped in right away when that… discussion started of."

"Sandy I…"

"I'm supposed to be an adult and know where I need to do things that's better for all."

"Sandy…"

"Just a second…"

"Sandy. I'm pregnant."

Now that finally caught my attention!

Hadn't I just thought the other night that that was it and Kirsten had told me there was no way?

For a second we just waited and listened, but Seth seemed long gone into his video games while I in confusion lifted a hand to my hair and wondered what I was going to say.

"Dr. Harris called me this morning and told me to come in. She had gone through the blood tests we did yesterday… I thought there was no way I would be pregnant but… she said… it's common. With a trauma you suffer from memory loss. And suddenly I remembered."

Remember… remember… remember…

I did my best to remember back to what had happened right before the wave and Christmas day. But for one moment, the only fading memory was one of a huge Christmas tree in the hotel's reception and those stairs and long lines with doors…

"Seth wanted to get away from us and have his own room about as far away from ours as he could come… we agreed on one in each end of one hallway." Kirsten nodded. "I… I…"

As fading memories came by and disappeared before I could catch one.

Then one, just a few, memories in my hands of unhooking her bra, my lips against hers and her hands on my chest…

"Oh…. Yep. You could definitely be pregnant. Now just as much as when none of us remembered anything… you're pregnant!" Kirsten nodded slightly and she started digging for something in her handbag. "We're having a baby." She handed me some small photos from an ultrasound picture. Black and white, the shape of a growing baby so little.

"We're having a baby."

My words were barely more than a whisper.

"We a…"

Both I and Kirsten jumped when we heard the patio door open and Ryan came in, I held the photos behind my back quickly and with a raised eyebrow Ryan looked from one to the other.

"I'm sorry if I interrupted in something…" I waved it away. "… I forgot something in the living room the other day so I'll just go and get it."

I saw the moment Ryan heard that Seth was in the living room.

For just a moment I was going to ask what he needed and go myself. But I took a step back and pushed my lips hard together. To keep the boys away from each other would do us no good.

But the silence was thick and it felt like hours until at last Seth suddenly said something.

"Do you want to play?"

"Sure."

Ryan had only needed a second of hesitating before he answered and I heard his crutch and feet moving across the floor while Seth got a control and they both sat down.

"Really?" Kirsten questioned me. "Is that just it? They've been fighting for days and now they're playing a game and that's it?" I shrugged. "Were you like that when you were there age?"

Of course I wasn't! I had never had a fight with anyone.

And especially not with my brother.

I sent Kirsten a meaning look- I had been exactly the same.

"Boys!"

"Would you rather like they fight and fight and never talk to each other again? Because that's more of a girl thing I think whoa!" I had to step away quickly when Kirsten threatened to hit me with the knife she had. "Maybe we'll know when we're meeting her…" I laid a palm towards Kirsten's belly over where our little baby was growing. "…Watching her grow up with boys and hormones and stomping feet and slamming doors…"

"What makes you so sure it's a girl?"

I shrugged, before I spoke it had just seemed obvious.

"It just feels like it is."

"You just want it to be a girl so you can spoil her rotten and call her daddy's little girl."

"Do I?" I pretended that I hadn't thought so. And right then we heard Seth shout at his game, but what it was was hard for us to understand. "Well, when you got that one and you've been spoiling him I can have my fair share can't I?"

Once again we heard Seth shouting and then Ryan's quieter voice, and Seth's annoyed yell when Ryan won over himself in whatever game they were playing.

"Please." I joked. "Please not another one like that!"

Kirsten pretended to slap me, I loved Seth with every bit of me. Even when he was a sore loser, and she knew and felt that in every way.

"But Sandy, let's not tell Seth about his little brother just yet. Just in case something goes wrong."

"Brother? I thought we agreed that she is a sister."

I listened closely to make sure neither of the boys could hear us and figure what was going on. But both of them seemed lost in their game and competing.

"No Sandy. You said he was a sister. But… I don't know… It's just like I can feel inside of me that it's a boy… You wouldn't understand the feeling."

I stroke Kirsten's hair, and laid my other hand on her belly. Where, underneath my hand there was a new life growing.

"I love you… and I love the little one in here. And…" I nodded towards the living room. "I love both of the ones in there."

Kirsten didn't answer. But while I couldn't understand her feeling I knew that she could not understand mine.

"NO, NO, NO, NO."

I couldn't help but laugh and shook my head.

"After all times we wanted for Seth to have a sibling." I sighed and couldn't help to laugh- even though this wasn't funny in a tiny bit. "And now we're in this mess…"

"NOOOOO"

Kirsten didn't laugh but smiled and leaned her head against my shoulder while she mumbled. And I couldn't help but agree.

"I wouldn't trade this mess for any mess in the world."

 **Random fact**

Wow! Maybe I should have made one chapter only about Seth and Ryan but,,, now this is the way it is and I'm actually quite glad with the way it ended up.


	45. The wanted unwanted

**I'm so sorry for not updating. I'm having such a writer's block! It's crazy. I hope it will go away…**

The beginning of 2005 was a strange part of time. It felt like time was standing still, and yet the time kept on going and the seconds kept ticking by at the same pace as always.

Driving up the streets towards Chino with Ryan by my side in the shotgun seat the car was silent. It usually was, yet I couldn't help but worry- maybe it came from my son never shutting up if we were left alone with him.

Ryan span his phone in his hand and looked through the window. Every now and then the screen lit up and the phone buzzed with another message.

"Who is it?"

I couldn't help it- I had to have something to say.

"Tom."

"Here we go." I turned into the blocks of Chino. "You'll have to lead me from here." What Ryan had said earlier went through my mind. "You know I'm not going to make you do anything. And I've dragged some threads and am in contact with a family lawyer who works with adoptions. But whatever the future holds, your voice will sound the loudest. Okay?"

I turned to him as long as I could take my eyes off the road, he looked back and gave me a slight nod.

"Where we're going first?"

"In here." We were close to Ryan's own old home when he pointed into a side street. "I used to… Twins, Jeremiah and Josiah. Their parents gave them prep names and hoped it would help them out of this his du… Sorry. I didn't mean to just talk like that… Anyway… they're only thirteen but I think that if there's anyone who wouldn't be able to get ou… That was mean!"

Ryan didn't have to say those full words- I could have said the same myself.

"I get what you mean. But I don't know them… Don't worry about it. We don't have to tell anyone about anything you or I say- nice or not…"

Ryan gave another slight nod and then led me into a smaller side- road. With all the side turns and bumps in the road I had to keep my vision on the road not to go straight into the dike."

"Here." He pointed up a driveway to a red- painted, very old- looking house. "They live here… You can just park on the yard, they won't mind." I hesitated slightly, then drove the side of my car into the small parking lot that held several old, broken and dirty cars. I heard Ryan sigh slightly next to me before he unbuckled his belt and we got out on either side. "It's okay. I can take it from here."

I leaned against the car to show I wasn't going to follow him, he looked quite grateful looking back at me.

"I'm gonna make sure everything works out, Ryan."

He gave a slight nod, then turned away. Just as he limped up the driveway two boys stepped out onto the porch. They looked exactly the same so obviously they were these Jeremiah and Josiah Ryan had mentioned.

"Ryan?"

"Hey Jer."

"Where have you been dude… And why do you have a crutch… and where have you been? And why did we… you've sent some text messages to our dad and back and forth and… and… and…" Who must be Josiah looked at me weirdly.

"And who is that?"

"Ehrm…" Ryan looked back on me. "That's Sandy. But it's a long story… are your parents home?"

Both of the boys ahead of him noted and said something. I had already forgotten whom was Josiah respective Jeremiah but they did go inside and closed the door after them so all I could do was wait.

I had brought a book with me and hoped it could take my concentration during these long whiles of waiting. First when Ryan was inside at the twins' and then at the house of another friends, both times coming back outside, looking at me and shaking his head.

"You know," when he pointed at which road I should take. "My friend Theresa… like… she's my best friend… I've spent the night at hers loads of times but… this… if it could be… then it's forever… this is what I expected of both the twins' and Gus's parents but… Theresa's parents are… different. Here they live… oh!"

In the garden was already a woman who must be that Theresa's mum. Leaning over some tiny flower pots by the door and only looking up when I turned over in her driveway.

"Ryan?"

I didn't hear her voice but could read on her lips when she spoke his name. I had only stayed outside by the twins' house and turned the engine off and leaned back in my seat while Ryan limped over to her.

He said something, she laid a hand over her mouth and Ryan stopped again. Then gestured towards me.

The woman wrapped Ryan tightly in an embrace and then stroke her hand down Ryan's arm. I couldn't hear whatever they were saying to each other. But I could see a tear rolling down her cheek and the caring way she led Ryan up the driveway and through the doorway, where I couldn't see them anymore.

I took the book again- but couldn't concentrate for a second of the two hours Ryan was inside.

He didn't have to say anything. The disappointed look on his face spoke louder than words.

"I think… Eva is… she's the kindest, sweetest, most caring person I know but… it would be forever and with her husband and both Theresa and her brother." He gave me a meaning look, I patted his shoulder, turned the engine on again and started driving what felt like the millionth time today. "There is one more I know well enough… when my dad was away one night or… for a bit my mum ended up being unfaithful and there is that guy… His name is actually Anthony James but he's mostly called A. J…" There was that look in Ryan's eyes. Under no circumstances did he want to live with- or even know this guy. "He lives right here. Ryan pointed. "…I guess I…" He took his crutch and stepped out of the car, I leaned back in the seat but opened the door and didn't have to wait for long. Only having waited for a couple of minutes a large man threw the door open, ripped Ryan by the shirt outside and pushed him away.

"AND DON'T COME BACK!"

Before he slammed the door after him I barely had the time to spot him, he only sent me a look and then disappeared while the whole house shook and I went to help Ryan up.

"Here." Ryan had more or less gotten up but dropped the crutch and I picked it up and reached it to him. "Are you alright?"

He nodded and took it. I looked Ryan into the eyes for only a second before he looked away. But that second was perfectly enough, right then he could barely hide how much he was hurting.

I could never have blamed him. Eleven years old and rejected by everyone he'd known, upon that what had had happened to Trey and Dawn and the thought of that he had come with the idea of going to Thailand and his own memories of the wave…

Wasn't it strange, just as well as heartbreaking that the young boy could even stand up and get on every day?

"I guess…" Without me noticing it I suddenly noticed I had gone up the street where Frank lived. "I have to… I just have to talk to my dad…" I gave a nod and turned into the driveway. "It'll… I think with my dad it's only going to take a moment really."

I nodded and turned into the Atwood-driveway. Ryan got out and I wasn't so sure what I should do before I got out too.

I had explained all of what I knew about adoptions to Ryan, spent all my free time finding out more…

If there was just one way to just know what was the right way?

"Hey dad." Frank sat by the kitchen table with a beer bottle when we came in- did he always do that. "Ehrm…" Ryan stepped up, glanced to me and took a deep breath. "…I just… I don't want to go around… I think there… I think there will be a whole lot of paper sheets for you to sign."

"Mhm… what papers?"

Ryan hesitated, and I remembered that not once had any of us actually spoken to Frank about things.

"About… ehrm… well, since mum isn't coming back. And we thought… well… we talked about that I might have to be adopted."

CRASH!

"ADOPTED?"

Thankfully the crash that made me jump was only the glass beer bottle in front of Frank falling to the floor and as good as exploding.

"Why would you have to be adopted? Your mum won't come back but you've got me. And you'll be living with me when… when I've just sorted out some things and… you." Frank's voice turned cold, almost wheezing when he looked at me. "You're hoping you will be adopting him don't you?"

"Ehrm I…"

If it had only been so simple.

I just wanted Ryan to have the best life possible, where he wanted. And whether it was with us I did not know…

"Maybe we wouldn't have to do this right in front of Ryan."

I sat down facing Frank and Ryan had started trying to get the bottle and drink from the floor.

"Do you need some help?"

"No, I'm okay."

"He's a tough kid isn't he?" I nodded agreeing. "And he gets it from his dad, me."

I wasn't so sure about that- well, the first of it.

"He is my kid. Not yours."

"I know that."

"Then why are you trying to take him from me?"

Him? He had a name. And he was standing right behind his dad and heard every word we said.

"I'm not…"

I was in loss of words. I wasn't like Frank who had practically given my kid away to someone I didn't know.

"Who are you?"

"I?"

"Ryan is my son."

"Yes of course…."

Frank would probably have liked to say more but coughed instead and I took my chance.

"That Ryan's your son there's nothing I can do. Or anyone would want to do about. But it has seemed to us that you didn't… want him when you left him at ours."

"You promised you'd take care of him. Why couldn't you? Why can't you take care of him until he's eighteen?"

"It's not that simple."

The tension in between Seth and Ryan had pretty much gone away. And there was so much more. But it was Ryan who had wished to go back where he came from and I had to grant his wishes.

"Then make it that simple… Ryan, son? Have he… have… Stephen here, and Christie… and their son- I can't remember his name… have they treated you well?"

"Yes sir."

I cringed. If there was something I couldn't stand it was parents who made their children talk to them like Ryan obviously had to talk to his dad… to anyone like him. And it didn't go any better for any of us when Frank sat for half an hour and watched us while we were almost too nervous to breathe for what would come next.

"I have…" He said at last, then heavily walked outside and stopped, staring towards my car. Walking after him, I couldn't see any reason of why he'd do that. "…I have some things left to sort put. But then you bet, you'll be coming back to live here. And with me."

 _And what does Ryan want and think?_

Ryan hadn't seemed so sure before neither but I couldn't imagine what he felt like now. All the kid wanted was some peace and quiet and somewhere to stay but…

We could both see that wasn't going to happen any time soon. And it seemed like it less than ever now. While we saw Frank pace back and forth and stumbling, then waiting and straightening before he sighed and looked to us again.

"I need a car first of all. And then when I have a car, I'll send you a text- because I have the phone you gave me. And I'll come pick you up. And…" He stopped when he suddenly saw something. "You have two legs. Did you grow a new leg?" Ryan shook his head and pulled his slack up only slightly. "Oh, that makes sense… But… now we have everything. You have a new legm we gave phones and everything. I just need a car and then I'll come and get you from… from… from…"

"Newport?"

"Yeah, that prep place where you've been living. Although…" He looked up on me. "I wouldn't mind if you kept paying the bills. I sure as hell don't have the money, but you do… So can you take Ryan's bills at least while he still lives with you… actually, can you keep on doing it afterwards too?"

"Of course."

I could see on Ryan how mortified he was when Frank went inside, took a pile of envelopes from the counter and reached them to me. But I- like Frank had probably figured, was more grateful the bills would be paid at all than for any money.

"Well then… can you leave so I can get… I can get a car and then I'll text… or call you about when I'll come pick you up… Gosh. These phones are nice things aren't they?"

He kept talking to himself when he turned and slammed the door. I and Ryan looked to each other- none of us were going to talk to him any more today and none of us was interested in doing so neither.

However Ryan knew it what I was thinking or I knew what he was thinking we got back into the car and then only sat there while I tried to figure what to say for ten minutes at least.

"I know I said it before. But if you don't live with me it doesn't mean I'm letting you go and forget about you… Wherever you are and whatever it is you just have to give me a call or send a text and I'll be right there. Okay?" Ryan hesitated and then nodded slightly. "If you don't want to explain what it is then you don't have to… even if you did something bad."

Ryan only gave me a look, that seemed to say anything and everything…

"Thank you, Sandy. For everything."

I really only did what any responsible adult would do.

"Don't mention it." I just had to say more. "You're a good kid Ryan. Don't you ever doubt that."

Ryan didn't look as if he believed me. But I saw the moment and left it at that while I turned the key, geared and made sure I didn't have anyone behind me.

I was in luck, had I started backing a second sooner I'd hit right into a young kid, dressed in a way too big T- shirt and sneakers who came out of nowhere.

"Hey Maxi." Ryan was out of the car and over to the kid- obviously named Maxi. "What are you doing here? You know what mum tells you about getting in the road on your own." Maxi threw his arms around Ryan's legs. "Did you miss me?" He nodded and I couldn't help but smile- and notice how incredibly alike Ryan and Maxi looked. "Let me see how fast you can run home. Okay? Three, two, one go! Sorry about that." Ryan limped back half leaned against the car. "That kid gets everywhere, I should have warned you about him."

"Is he family? You look alike."

"No… I've heard that one before… But I'm not sure he won't get right back so look out when you drive…" I geared again and carefully hit the gas. "You wouldn't imagine how close Maxi have been to getting hit by cars or how many times… I wouldn't mind to pack him in my bag and never lose him out of sight."

I couldn't help but smile- Ryan never said much but I could tell he loved this kid to bits.

"Let's go home."

But wherever this "home" would be for the blonde kid next to me I had a feeling none of us knew.

And if it gave me a stomach ache I couldn't imagine what this whole mess was like for him.

 **Little Maxi was a version of when Ryan sees a younger version of himself at the very beginning of season two. But since Ryan is younger here than in the series I had to make the kid younger too. I was about to delete it all along but I sort of liked it.**

 **Poor Ryan, poor, poor Ryan. I hate that I'm doing all of this to him but still I had to get through it.**

 **Random fact**

The biggest OC fans will probably be able to notice some lines in this chapter that are from the series. But in difference from there, they're not all at once place. Can you spot them?


	46. The baby things

**Thanks to Dixie. F. 9. For reviewing.**

 **I have put up a oneshot if anyone wants to read it. It's for Epilepsy/ seizure awareness and I put it up on the day four years since I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. If you want to read it, it's on my profile (Duh) It's for life unexpected and it's called body shaken.**

"We should do something for them…" I thought out loud the next day for something I had been thinking of since I saw the little kid Maxi when I had been in Chino. And over and over I saw all of him in front of me- including the T- shirt ten times too big, his lower legs and arms flushed almost blue from the cold…

"What should we do?" Kirsten asked me. "And for whom?"

"You know, I went to Chino with Ryan today. And being there… it also reminded me of the Bronx of course but it reminded me of you know, not everyone are as lucky as us. I met this kid who was just standing in the middle of the road wearing that huge T- shirt and sneakers…"

"What are you talking about?" Kirsten asked. "What are we supposed to do?"

"We have tons of Seth's old stuff only stored up in boxes in the attic. And not everyone are fortunate enough to just go shopping for a whole day- many days like you or I could for a baby. What if we went through everything, every little thing and then I bet we could give away to them who actually needs them for anything else then stored up in the attic and not used. I bet some of the things are brand new and the price tags haven't been taken off."

"I didn't think Chino was that poor…"

"They're not. But going to Chino gave me the idea and there are loads of people out there… we're lucky you know…"

When I moved here from the Bronx I was pretty sure I thought I wouldn't forget what it was like having all money in the world…

"It's not way too bad idea is it? Can you help me first? We need to start with all those boxes down from the attic.? We might as well go through them all."

Suddenly I felt in a weirdly good mood. Like I finally did something that mattered and well… I couldn't help but think that this was quite easily done in difference from everything else that we were going through.

"Good morning." Just as I had tipped the last moving box of baby clothes onto the living room sofa Ryan came in and I couldn't help but to think it was quite new seeing him on two feet and one crutch instead of one foot and two crutches. "What are you doing?"

Just as he'd asked I saw Rose writing "give away" with a big, black pen on one of the carton and then left it open. I didn't answer but Ryan understood quickly.

"Ehrm… if this is about Maxi- Maxi does have clothes. He just refuses to wear them and if his parents makes him he takes it a… almost it all off except for T- shirt, diaper and sneakers, off."

I couldn't help but give a short laugh. Seeing that little dude take most of his clothes off as soon as anyone tried to make him wear it made quite a funny picture for me.

"It was him who gave me the idea." I hold up a shirt. "Wow- I'd like this shirt too. I wonder if they come in adults' sizes… Well, if not Maxi then someone else for sure. Anything can be better than stored up in boxes at some rich people's attic or what do you say? Here. You can help if you want to. If it's clean and whole just put it in that box."

"Not all people will just accept a gift like that. They don't like as- they call it. Getting pitied."

"We'll take it to the red cross then. Or something- I'm sure it can be used for something better than being stored up in boxes in the attic. Hey Seth." My son was just coming in from the living room. "Here." I picked up an overall from a box with the oldest clothes. "Can you imagine that you've been this little."

"What are you doing?"

Seth gave a strange look glancing over all the millions of things that laid around the kitchen couch, on the table and even around on the floor.

"We thought we'd go through all of the baby things we stored up when you were little." I let go of the clothes and picked up a teddy bear. "You were given this for Christmas. But it was in a box. And then you kept playing with the box so much you forgot all about it." I showed it still had a price tag left in its ear.

Seth sat down on one empty corner of the and took the teddy in one hand. While I reached for another pair of small socks that were hanging from a price tag holding them together, folded them as much as they could. And then laid it in the box.

"Is it my things?"

"Yeah. But you couldn't ever use it again would you? That shirt is small enough to fit on your hand only?"

"But you couldn't give away my things without even asking me about it?"

"No." I stopped sorting and left a fisher vest- size baby, laying on my lap. "But there's no way you could ever use them again."

"I still don't want you to give away my things." Seth looked around, "What even is this? Just look at this." Seth picked up a shirt from the table. "What if this was the shirt I wore the very first time I came home from the hospital?"

"That shirt's way too big for a newborn." I reached in another direction and took a blue bodysuit. "This is what you were wearing the first time you came home. Until five minutes later when you puked all over it and you had to change and we changed you into… this." I took another red bodysuit and held it in the other hand.

"There are still things… there are still… memories and they mean something. I don't want you to give away MY old things."

I suppressed a sigh- I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it coming.

"Like, what if you ever have another baby? Or if I have children of my own and then I'll have nothing that I need for them."

"You can buy them. And you having babies is still a long time away in the future…" Seth pouted and glared up on me. "But you're right. We couldn't give away your old things and certainly not if you don't want us to…" I turned to Ryan and Kirsten and gave them a meaning look. "We can at least sort it. I think all of these socks is enough for one whole moving box!"

I just wanted some way to show my son what we were doing and what we were doing it for. Instead, silently I sorted the things in boxes along with my family until I reached a few last bagss and had to laugh- if anything could change Seth's mind!

"When you were three we just couldn't find a way for you not to need the diaper. But we were tired of having to go to the store every other day and buy new ones. So…" I gestured over several paper bags filled with only packs of diapers from size newborn to three years old. "…We stocked up with like eight thousand packs of diapers and of course then you decided that you were going to be able to use the toilet instead of diapers…" Seth was red in the face of what I was telling him and the lot of bags. "…Can we give away those?"

He just glared at me.

If I promised never to mention that story to anyone ever again I probably could. But putting them to the side to take them to where they were more needed than here (even when the baby came these diapers would be way too big, and we still had the money to buy new ones.) There must be at least something I could say before these boxes were back in the attic.

"Look, you're right. The things are actually yours and we won't. But…" I took a shirt that still had the price tag left on it. "Can we at least give away the things that haven't been used at all?"

"What do you want to do with it anyway?"

I was taken aback from it, wasn't it obvious?

Obviously not to Seth, and quickly I told him about it. Then, for quite a long while he sat with that soft teddy bear in his hand and looked thoughtfully into its brown glass-eyes.

"Wait." He almost shouted when I grabbed a carton to take it back up the stairs. "You're right dad… There are people who needs these things more than us and people who can't afford buying new things all the time…" He wrapped his hand tighter around the bear. "…I think I'd like it if my old things helped someone."

I had to breathe out gratefully and in relief. Seth still held onto the bear and I could see the sad look in his eyes- no bear in the world could replace Captain Oats.

"Wait." He said again once all boxes were in the car and the teddy bear "Bubba" sat on top of it all Seth crawled up in the car and grabbed the small, soft bear. "I just want to keep Bubba."

I ruffled in his hair when he came back and waited as he got in the shotgun seat to go to the Red Cross… Or wherever else they could take this all. There were quite a few places in town that would.

"It feels good doing this doesn't it?" I asked Seth. "Knowing you did something that wasn't right for yourself but for someone else?"

Seth didn't answer, he was quite knew to this and I sort of felt bad for not doing this ages ago…

"It does." He said at last. "Those things are just things… It feels better for someone who needs them to have them than what it did having in the attic for… well for all my life really."

 **There's a line in this chapter… a shirt big enough to fit on his hand… Actually, I have a row of old stuffed animals on the back of my sofa, where one wears a shirt I was wearing when I came home from the hospital, two months old (I was premature) and it fits right on my hand. XD**

 **Random fact**

I sort of like sorting stuff and giving away/ selling like that. But I had some trouble with what Seth was going to think so I have a friend on here- x snow- pony x, that I always chat with ideas and stories and I asked her about it(and basically everything else under the sun) And she then said that she's the same (as Seth) so she wouldn't know XD.


End file.
